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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/beijinger123
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Review of Untitled (Step)  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey there, interesting poem. I agree that reads like an early draft, it looks like you may have a lot of work in editing, but the content and themes are definitely there. Especially the last line. Love the last line. It effectively redifine's the meaning of the focus word step for the whole poem. Awesome.

As for how you can improve it, I have a few suggestions

General Disclaimer: The following is just my personal opinion and as such should be considered with a grain of salt. I would like to suggest- I wonder if anyone actually reads past the first few words of the disclaimer, oh well, I’ll tell you a story instead. A Moroccan smoking monkey bit my sister once. Seriously, it’s true. He spit out his Camel cigarette and took a bite. My sister didn’t tell anyone because she thought the monkey would get in trouble. Now I wonder sometimes if she has monkey rabies- that everyone takes my advice as simply just that, advice on self improvement.

First off, I think that you should commit yourself to free form or patterned poetry. It reads like you are vaccillating between the two. My general philosophy is that I either fully commit to a pattern unless there is a specific focus on one or two lines, or I ignore pattern altogether. Sometimes its really effective to start a pattern and then break it, but you first need to establish the pattern well.

I was goofing around, playing with your words, which were really fun and interesting, and I changed up one of your stanzas. I'm not suggesting you use this, but you are definitely welcome to. Something like this would be easy to set up a pattern against for future stanzas. Primarily, three step lines, the 2nd and 3rd line end rhymes, and the 4th and 8th end rhymes. I hope you don't take offense that I altered your work.

Step -see the light-
Step -see the leaves-
Step -breathes the trees-
And the grass grows green, lean and long
Like the lazy vacation afternoon
And the interminable
Time-ticking
Song
Of the grains of sand
falling.

You had great imagery with that stanza, so it was really fun to rearrange it a bit.

Otherwise, I'm not sure to reccommend. If this is a bad review, I'm sorry. If its helpful, cool. Nuetral, I can dig it.
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