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1,551 Public Reviews Given
1,552 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.
I'm good at...
Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.
Favorite Genres
I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.
Favorite Item Types
I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.
Least Favorite Item Types
See previous section.
I will not review...
Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Seems to me that Douglas and Patrick have far too many possessions. When I was young, I moved my family several times with just a car and a borrowed truck. And that was in one day. Of course, we didn't have much in those days and it might take a bit longer if we were to attempt it today. But still, I think these two need to have a yard sale before they move next time.

That's my reaction to the piece and it may be true that others have many more things to transport. But the matter has some bearing on the tale as well. All this toing and froing does not make the most interesting or gripping reading. The constant decision to do a bit more the next day becomes tedious, especially as virtually nothing unusual happens in the course of each day's events. Only the weather provides a little relief by raining sometimes.

That is the main problem with the story, that very little happens beyond going in between the old house and the new. But not enough is explained of the setting. As an example, consider the first paragraph. What is this about a guard post? It's never explained. And who or what is released by the pressing of the button? Complete mystery.

What the story needs is less concentration on how many journeys were made and instead a compression of it all into fewer trips but more accidents, more things going wrong, more humour in other words. Moving is a traumatic experience, even if you're trying to write in the meantime. Make it an adventure that repays the hard work with memories to look back on.

And my advice is to avoid the present tense. It should only be used if there's a very good reason for it. I heartily approve of the font used however. Makes for a very easy read.

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Beholden
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2
2
Review of Beginnings  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
A pleasant little story with a surprising ending. Just what the doctor ordered, in fact. The dialogue is tight and believable, the flow steady and carefully paced to the storyline, and the characters emerge quickly from the spoken word. These flash fiction pieces require confident handling by the writer, so much having to be said in so few words. And this particular story is an excellent example of the genre.

Altogether a most enjoyable tale.

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Beholden
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3
3
Review of Sinkhole  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Karma is a wonderful thing, on those rare occasions when it works! We all love happy endings and this story supplies exactly that. Its only problem is that the denouement is weakened by being telegraphed so far ahead of the ending. By the time we get there, there is no surprise, since we know all about the burial ground, the old Native American, and the place disappearing into a hole in the ground. These would be better released much later into the tale or even not mentioned. Give the reader something to work out for himself - that way he'll own the tale just as you do.

Pace is a bit hectic as well. It feels hurried as you race through the narrative will very little description to create atmosphere. I know it was written for a contest and this is what causes the problem, I think. But, if you take out the telegraphed info, room would be created for a slower pace with description to build mystery and atmosphere.

It's not a bad story, after all, and the writing is good. Just needs a little more hiding of the cause of the ultimate disaster.

There's one paragraph that gave me a problem. "Good. There's one survivor—somehow. Let's interview them." It's that one survivor being described as "they." Yes, I know this is accepted these days but it's incongruity is emphasised by the proximity of the fact that's one person we're talking about. If I were you (and it's only my personal preference, I would avoid the issue by saying something like, "We have an interview to do" instead of "Let's interview them."

It's a minor problem however. I'm sorry to have to be so apparently negative, but my immediate feeling on reading the story was that it was too rushed and needed to slow down. It cries out for atmosphere. And I think it deserves a longer format, so that the menace and doom can loom slowly into view. Let the reader become immersed in the tale and begin to own it. It has great potential but needs a little work if it's to stand out against others.

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Beholden
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4
4
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I get the feeling that, because I'm not American, I'm missing some of the jokes. Which is something to be remembered when writing something like this - is local knowledge essential to the understanding of the piece? Generally Americans can be fairly sure that foreigners will get the most obvious aspects of their culture but, when writing of things more locally dependent, the finer points can get lost. And I think this piece has tripped that particular wire.

Not that it has to matter, of course. You may be aiming particularly at your countrymen with the piece. I point out the possible flaw in case you're interested. Which reminds me - is the fact that Stew is driving a red 1963 Ford Falcon of importance to the tale? Specific points like this are usually introduced to indicate social status but I can't tell whether that's the case in this instance. Again, just a point to be aware of.

Which probably sounds as though I'm being really picky. But it's what I noticed in reading the piece and I have to be honest. The fact is that it was an enjoyable story in spite of the slight (and it is slight) feeling of missing out on a few minor laughs. It's certainly full of local colour and atmosphere which is a huge attraction to us foreigners. The movies and news services have made us so aware of American culture that we feel almost at home in it.

And that brings me to the meaning of the piece, if I may make so bold as to have a stab at it. It seems to me that Stew and Maryann are southerners (their liking for southern food is the clue here) but have been out-southerned by Russ and Evie. The directions given are almost incomprehensible (kudos to Maryann for writing them down), which is evidenced by Stew being as mystified by the necessity of visiting the bait shop as I am. As "almost locals," Maryann and Stew will be able to extract enough meaning from the directions to eventually make it to Bubba's. Presumably. But we're not told that - the fabled Show & Tell strikes again.

In conclusion, I must say that it's a merry and amusing romp. Wonderful writing with attention to accents (always a good idea in my book). Don't take too much notice of my quibbles as a foreigner - it's a fine story and foreigners can either sink or swim in it.

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Beholden
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5
5
Review of A Step Ahead  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Ah, very clever of the young lady. Clearly she has a career path laid out toward evil genius. She doesn't even need minions since she is so good at using those around her. But there is risk in her scheme, as you have pointed out. All hinges on the Principal deciding to offer her a deal. And, to be honest, it's not something I see any Principal doing. I would have thought they were all too stuffy and hidebound to come up with such a plan.

There is also the businesslike way in which he agrees to Madisyn's terms. That reeks of the ways of commerce and seems a little unlikely in academia.

But perhaps he is an exceptional Principal. There are stars in every profession, after all. And the story is too amusing to drop it for such a minor quibble. It's well written and without errors. Plus it's told with enough subtlety not to telegraph the ending, so surprise is maintained. Altogether, it's an enjoyable read and a clear demonstration that stories do not have to be long to entertain.

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Beholden
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6
6
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice idea, well developed and amusing. It's easy to rewrite fairy tales, of course, but this one is particularly good in that there are several surprises in it. Always good to take the road less travelled.

I have two minor quibbles on it, however. The first is a misplacing of quotation marks. “Who would do this?” Daddy. I read it first as a novel way of indicating the speaker. The next sentence makes it clear. The quotes should come at the end, so it should read, "“Who would do this, Daddy?”

Then there's the matter of the bears' discovery of Goldilocks. The bears retreated from the room. “We’re not going to hurt you. Why did you smash our house up?” Mummy bear asked. It seems strange that the bears would leave the room before speaking to the girl. Just doesn't make sense somehow.

Apart from those two niggles, the story is fun, well written and an enjoyable read. Good work.

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Beholden
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7
7
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Haha, nice twist in the end. But never name a character Sheila. For one thing, it means a generic female to Australians. And for another and more importantly, it'll come out as Shelia or Shiela at least once in any brief text. There's one in this piece (Shelia) but I won't say where. And that's a bugger of a typo to find. *BigSmile*

Otherwise, it's an amusing little tale, perhaps a bit too easy to guess the ending. But it's not a mystery or detective story, so I guess that doesn't matter too much. The last sentence justifies it, after all - the irony wasn't wasted at all.

Apart from the typo, I found no errors and the whole thing flows very well. Conversation is realistic and creates characters quickly. Altogether it's a charming tale with a decent sting in the tail - and the homonyms are starting to appear so I'd best shut up.

Keep up the good work!

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8
8
Review of A Happy Night  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I was a bit surprised by the local patois at first but, as I read on, it struck me that it produced an atmosphere exactly appropriate for the tale. I think it's very effective and speaks volumes about the narrator and the company he keeps. So much better than describing it all from an outsider's point of view. And that is so often our view as writers - we observe and then report what we've seen.

But this was different, and it pulls us into the scene so that we care as much about the cause of Duke's dispute with Willy as all the characters. Of course, I'm no expert on American accents but it seemed authentic to me, especially the refusal to translate any slang used. Context is all in this, just as in real life.

The result is a story that grips from the start and holds the reader to the last. All that and a bit of a history lesson too! It certainly shone a light on the days of prohibition and its repeal. A most enjoyable read.

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Beholden
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9
9
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
So you wrote it as a story. Not sure that qualifies as holding to your promise.

But it's an amusing tale and, apart from a few unlikely facts known by Nessie, the reader happily suspends disbelief and goes with the plot. I particularly like the old man in the pub for his accent. Very well transcribed, I think. And the story unfolds smoothly, if a little quickly.

It could do with a little more description to slow things down somewhat. Nessie certainly deserves to be more detailed - she is the point, after all. I know that would lengthen the tale but I see no indication that it was written for a contest with a word limit. It deserves a bit more embellishment.

Apart from the rather hurried feel to the writing, I found the piece to be most enjoyable and a pleasant break from the usual run of stories. Just needs a little polishing, as suggested.

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10
10
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Identity crisis indeed. This is a delightfully light-hearted look at the matter of identity that yet has important things to say. One can sympathise with the pencil's situation but it remains a problem for all time. No matter how we rail against fate, there are some things that cannot be changed.

I approve of the brevity of the piece. To have one's say in only fifty words is an accomplishment. There is no need to say more - you have said enough to make your point and know when to stop. There are some writers who could learn from that.

So it's a pretty little thing, amusing but also relevant to today. A shame, therefore, that the quotation marks are in somewhat of a knot. I'll say no more, preferring to assume that this was an oversight, rather than uncertainty. It's hardly important, anyway.

Nice, neat work without pretension or puff. Well done.

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11
11
Review of Deep Breaths  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Interesting. I've often wondered just how different the atmosphere was in earlier ages and this piece proposes a radically different answer. It doesn't really matter whether the scenario written about is correct or not - the point is that the air was different in former periods. It has changed because it was developing and life changed with it.

You have lebelled the piece as fiction and it may well be (although it's a reasonable guess). It's really a vignette using imagination to paint a picture of a very different world. And I think it does a very good job in that case. Too often sci-fi and fantasy tales of time travel assume that the air we breathe remains the same whatever the eon arrived in. Which is demonstrably incorrect - the atmosphere was once unbreathable and only became more amenable to life as it evolved to the state it is in now.

Your essay reveals this very well and makes us think about problems with time travel that had not occurred to us. As the saying goes, someone had to do it! A most enjoyable read.

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Beholden
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12
12
Review of the paradox  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I gather that it's a contest or activity. In which case, I don't think it's allowable to include the prompt words as names. Which is a shame, really, since they make wonderful names that fit perfectly well within the story.

However, the contest or whatever it was must have closed ages ago so you can do whatever you want with the prompt words, including using them as words. And that's why I'm reviewing this piece. It has so much potential and creativity that it begs to be finished.

You didn't realise it wasn't finished? Well, it's not, because you haven't supplied it with an ending. As it stands, there's no reason for the tale to be written - it goes nowhere. And that, too, is a shame. You really ought to think up a ridiculous and funny ending to it. You've done the hard work of creating three marvellous characters, put them into a bizarre situation, and almost thrown them into an adventure. They deserve one.

Finally, you need to get over your aversion to capital letters. At the beginning of sentences, I mean. It may seem unnecessary to you but it's the convention and aids in getting people to read your stuff.

Other than that, you have, in this little piece, the beginnings of an excellent tale. Your writing is vivid and full of imagery, your characterisation fine as well. There's nothing wrong with your imagination either. Okay, there's a grammatical error or two, but that can be solved with the application of a free grammar checker like Grammarly.

Just keep writing and it will all come together nicely.

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Beholden
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13
13
Review of playing the part  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
What an intesting little piece. You hadn't defined it in the header (now I see why) and I wasn't expecting anything as a result. But what a pleasant surprise. Your writing is quite poetic in its way, the metaphors fascinating in their aptness yet originality. Clearly you have talent and need to keep writing.

You should try short stories to begin with. Not that there's anything wrong with personal reflections but there's no real market for them apart from the psychiatrist's couch. And the second half of this piece is at least partly story in that there's development in it. Which is no surprise realy - social anxiety is almost a prerequisite for writing these days. After all, wouldn't we be jabbering if we weren't constrained to write by inadequacy?

In writing you will find confidence and self assertion. There's no better reason to continue what you have started. And, from what I've seen, you're made for the task. That ability with language was not given for you to waste it.

But, in the meantime, let me congratulate you on a superbly written piece. These few words are stuffed full of meaning, vivid imagery, and sheer competence. It's really quite beautiful, even if you found it quite difficult to write. Self confession is always a bit of an ordeal.

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Beholden
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14
14
Review of Playin' Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
It's a well written piece, nicely paced without error and with a strong storyline. Characterisation is as good as it gets in a short story.

There was one phrase that I fell over and I think it needs a little work. "...he was working too hard to be there for her." First time I read it, I thought it meant that he was really working hard at being there for her. Which didn't make sense. Then I realised that it was the usual gripe, that he was working so hard that he was never there for her. Needs a little adjustment to avoid that trap.

Also, I think you telegraphed the ending very early with, "...they looked alike. Similar facial shape, nose, jaw." I immediately thought they must be related. Which turned out to be correct. Since this is kinda crucial to the surprise at the end, I think you should just cut that description out and let the similarity sink in when he's reconsidering things later.

Other than those two minor points, it's a well constructed tale and an enjoyable read. I could have done with a more complex and devious detective story but that's just me. I'm looking for that kinda stuff because I want to get into the game myself.

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Beholden
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15
15
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A well-told tale with a strong moral in the tail. I must admit that I think the sentence delivered was rather draconian given the age of the narrator. But it's certainly true that practical jokes are rarely funny for the victim and there's a time when we all should grow out of them.

I want to stand back and assess the story from a completely unbiased standpoint but I find that the punishment meted out is too severe to be ignored. Apart from his weakness for practical jokes, Martin has demonstrated considerable maturity in finding himself a regular job and sticking to it. A lesson regarding the nastiness of his tricks would be adequately provided by a much easier sentence that did not include incarceration. Just the threat of it would have been enough to break his silly habit, I'm sure.

But enough of this - I know it's not my place to argue with the story. The point is that you write well and maintain a smooth and appropriate pace throught the text. I found no errors, grammatical or typos, so there is nothing for me to say on that score.

It's a good read, well constructed, and enjoyable apart from raising in me the ethical questions already mentioned. And that's something we face in life, like it or not.

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Beholden
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16
16
Review of The Fight  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I do like a bit of sci-fi occasionally. And this was a particularly interesting one, especially because you gave me some work to do while reading. It's a good technique, this letting the reader fill in the explanations and descriptions that are not provided. Makes them part of the story and gives them a sense of at least partial ownership. I bet your image of the alien creature is scarier than mine!

You do a bit of head-hopping, however. We learn quite a bit about Ayin to begin with but then transfer to the alien once Ayin is dead. Plus there's the quick hop to Grant's point of view at the end. It's not entirely forbidden but has to have good reasons for doing so. All in all, I think it's not too obtrusive in this piece but I'd be careful about doing it in the future. Might be a good idea to allow the central character to survive to the ending as well. Readers get to know and even identify with characters so it's not good technique to kill them off early.

Format is a bit odd, with each sentence getting its own paragraph, but this works rather well on the internet. It introduces plenty of light and space for pauses (necessary if the reader is to work out the choices presented in the tale) and doesn't overwhelm with too much text squeezed together.

In summary, it's a tight little story, told very vividly, and ideal for so short a piece. Well done and keep writing!

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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17
17
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Interesting. The theme of rivers and water running through the tale, constant reminders of wetness and drowning. It's very vivid, full of emotion and death. The style is like a necklace of sharply received flashes of vision, all connected loosely in a string of events that allows each jewel to slide up and down as it will. Loosely connected, in other words.

Each sentence, phrase, is strung together with others, sometimes loosely, at others with unexpected clashes of familiarity, so that the string that holds them together comes and goes with maddening insubstantiality. It's an experience, yes, and a powerful one, but story tends to recede until lost in the waterfall of images presented.

So the piece succeeds admirably in communicating feeling, but fails to involve the reader in story. And that, I fear, may be sufficient to lose most readers. Personally, I like it and am only slightly disappointed in the story being so vague and hard to grasp. The intensity of it and the strange metaphors make it well worth it, in my opinion. And it is only my opinion after all.

I do think it needs more story to link everything together and give reasons for events. Something to hang on to. But beautifully written, even so. So much so that I think it deserves the five stars I'm going to give it. Wonderful stuff, if slightly flawed.

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Beholden
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18
18
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Rather more fun than expected that day!

It's an amusing tale with a dramatic ending, a grand day out that delivered way beyond the usual. And you have written it with admirable flow and humour, even though you were the butt of the joke. I particularly liked the language used - you are very correct in your writing, grammatically, that is.

Which is why I was so surprised to come across this sentence: "As he was looking at my back upside down, deciding he was going to bite me." Much better to say, "...he decided he was going to bite me." If you are writing to an exact word count, as I suspect, it shouldn't be too difficult to make an adjustment elsewhere. Not that it matters now, since any contest it was written for must be long over.

Apart from that, it's a lost enjoyable read. And I didn't peek in my imagination once, I promise.

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Beholden
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19
19
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
One of the video makers that I follow on YouTube made a video of the abandoned house he found in the woods. The place was falling apart and full of rubbish but, in one corner, he found an old camera. There was a film in it and he sent it off to be developed. He made a video of what the film contained but it wasn't very interesting, so I've entirely forgotten what it showed.

But the point is that the finding of old undeveloped film can indeed be interesting. There's a certain magic in the question of what was recorded and lost. And this gives your story considerable intrigue and hookability. That it should lead you and your husband to fresh impetus for fitness and looks is quite amusing. I can only hope that it resulted in success, especially as I'd have been a good deal more reluctant to go along with the idea were I in your husband's position!

Very ably written and I found no errors, grammatical ot typo. Altogether an entertaining little story, given extra interest for myself because of the aforementioned video. My hope that you found something more interesting on the film than I did was fulfilled.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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20
20
Review of The Airlock  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I don't usually review a story from an author immediately after having reviewed another story by the same guy, but I was hooked into reading this before I realised it was yours. The style made me check and there it was - another gem from you. And I was too far in to throw it away.

All of which is a compliment to you and confirmation to me that I got it right the first time. Here's another new world created with impressive ease and believability coupled with a story that, while interesting enough, could do with extension into something weightier. This time there's a bit more to the story and it's saved by the imperious unflappability of the aliens. I can only hope that, if we ever do encounter aliens, they turn out to be as easy on punishment for infractions of their laws and rules.

Your writing remains excellent. The subtlety with which you introduce new concepts without any explanation (not important in sci-fi as long as they sound possible) is the secret. I love the way your characters speak so conversationally as though the reader has full knowledge of the technology being revealed. No info dumps for you! Which is the right way to go, of course - readers always want to get on with the story rather than try to follow a dense discussion of how a flux condenser works.

So my advice is just the same. Keep making these wonderful future and alien worlds but allow a bit more room for the story and give the reader a roller coaster ride throughout.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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21
21
Review of The Ghost Net  Open in new Window.
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Impressive world building, believable technology, creating an authentic atmosphere. Your only weakness is storyline - it seems a bit pointless. That is probably the result of there being insufficient tension built into the tale. You paint a very sound scene that deserves rather more of a story than you allow.

I don't know whether there was a word limit on the piece or not. Restrictions like that can cause problems if they're too limited. But I suspect that you fell into the classic sci-fi trap of too much interest in the mechanics and not enough time spent on an original plot in consequence. Basically, you have invented a solar system that functions well and the technology entirely suitable to such a world, and then your story (which should be the point of all this work) describes a brief arc of gathering conflict solved rather easily by passing the problem to the authorities. We need more involvement of the characters so that the reader can care about them and their troubles.

Your writing is excellent and well able to carry a story. My advice has to be that you should keep the world you've described but work on the story, perhaps even to the point of taking it beyond the short story format. Sci-fi fans will appreciate the imagination involved in creating the technology and background, but they need story as much as any other readers. A world that works perfectly is also a world where nothing ever happens. So the reader needs conflict and should see it in action, not just be told about it.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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22
22
Review of Reversion  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Ah, so mermen are sorta the opposite of mermaids - sirens of the sea too, but in an entirely different way. I like it, particularly because it was so unexpected. Both the fact that Caleb was a merman and that he should so easily be diverted in the end.

I was getting ready to ask where Caleb had been (on the yacht or in a nearby boat?) when he saw Selene fall into the ocean, and then you unveil his merman identity. So that quibble disappeared. And then, at the end, I had time for only a suspicion to germinate before that final revelation of the fickleness of mermen was revealed. I saw the end coming up and had to wonder how you were going to tie it all up quickly enough.

And you did. Very neatly, so that suspicion and revelation came at almost the same moment. It is, in the end, a very well managed tale, sure in its inventiveness and execution. So I'm left with nothing to suggest as an improvement and can only applaud so enjoyable a tale. Wonderful stuff.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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23
23
Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Excellent. The style of a former age is flawlessly reproduced and applied appropriately to a tale of deep horror. Everything about this piece is so well done that I can only express my admiration. If only you had failed somewhere, in some small and unimportant matter, I could have filled out this review with pompous and self righteous advice on correcting the slight fault. But no, I am forced to be honest and applaud the talent and hard work that produced this astoundingly good offering.

It's a brave thing to do, to mimic the style of an era that has passed. To pull it off, there must be no mistakes in language and grammar - they were so much better educated than we are that even a typo would cry aloud that this is mere pretending to the stature of those on whose shoulders we stand upon. And then there is that long windedness that their times so preferred. Here it is delightfully imitated - so well as to seem the real thing. I love the way you have expressed the story in so roundabout a way, with vivid and extended descriptions, metaphors, and similes, exactly as the best writers of the time were wont to do.

When I like a piece that I'm reviewing, I usually say that I enjoyed it, but that is not sufficient here. I more than enjoyed it, I loved it. I am in awe of your talent and almost tempted to spend the rest of the day reading my way through your portfolio. "Almost," because I have too much to do already and have promised myself to attempt it all. But, if I get a moment...

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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24
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Review by Beholden Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well, well, well, a moral tale. The moral being that the lie will always be found out. In this case, that's arguable, since both interested parties agreed on the matter, but to everyone else it's a lie nevertheless. I could even make the point that, by Christian morality, the thought is as bad as the deed, so it could be said to be true after all. But that's getting too heavily into details, I think. The point is the story works and contains considerable satisfaction in the fact that the perpetrators get their just comeuppance in the end. That's where the comedy lies, after all.

I debated with myself over the double parentheses of "my (soon-to-be) (hopefully) ex-wife" but decided to let it pass for the sake of the joke. But the repetition of the phrase does get tedious, just as any joke will when told more than once. It would give away the punchline to delete the repeat performances, since you need to avoid calling the lady "your wife" - but I think the repetition is a worse sin. Perhaps best to give her a name and then use that after the initial joke.

Otherwise it's an amusing enough story and I enjoyed it. There were a couple of minor errors and I made notes on them which I'll copy here:

"I thought about how this had begun. It began when my wife and I..." All this beginning, clumsy. Best to combine the two sentences into something like, "I thought of how this had begun when my wife and I..."

"...to get a divorce in this state there has to be either physical cruelty or divorce." I think you mean "cruelty or adultery."

And that's it - nothing that can't be mended with a quick edit.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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25
25
Review of Squeaky's Pencil  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Love the names. The story seems a bit pointless but has interest enough to hold a reader. Don't put too much credence in what I say, however, as I like things that break away from the norm and this does, certainly. In your portfolio a dozen years, the piece has yet to attract a review and I must presume that this is because of its difference. Most people don't like things that refuse to go along with the accepted norms, that say what they want without bothering about the reader's understanding. They don't like being made to work to grasp what is going on.

So you've broken new ground and now you suffer the consequences. I would guess that it's worth it. There will be those who get it and like it (there's me, for one). The problem now becomes whether you want to remain in this vein or break ground elsewhere. To which I would have to say that you should write in every way that you fancy. Be broad as well as different. Even try the old ways - it might be interesting, being understood for once.

Of course, it may be that this little gem of a piece was a lone experiment and the intervening years have produced all sorts of stuff, none of it with anything like the delightful Squeaky and Pencil. In which case, ignore my advice and continue. But keep experimenting, too. It's where the real achievements lie.

Didn't spot a single error or typo, by the way. Nicely done and most enjoyable.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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