Beholden's (beholden) Reviews

Review Requests: ON

1,449 Public Reviews Given

1,450 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.

I'm good at...

Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.

Favorite Genres

I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.

Least Favorite Genres

Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.

Favorite Item Types

I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.

Least Favorite Item Types

See previous section.

I will not review...

Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.

1

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#4802709

Review of Allies of Gratitude

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Reviewing signature for the B.E.A.R. Fund.

Well, I had to do a bit of research on buckeyes for this. It's what we Brits call a horse chestnut or conker. One of those rare occasions when local differences get in the way of understanding. But now I know all about buckeyes!

It's an interesting story and one that I have no difficulty in believing, having had a similar encounter that involved myself, a hornet and a caterpillar. There is more in heaven and earth than is dreamt of in our philosophy, indeed.

Your powers of description are in excellent display in this piece. The scene was set to create an atmosphere that the reader becomes immersed in and is quickly drawn into the events. I was particularly taken with the idea of the pile of clippings used by all the neighbours. What a good and sensible idea that is, one I could have used myself in former times. And then the interaction of human and animals is so natural a development that the reader happily goes along with it.

The result is a charming story that remains with the reader for some time. My one concern is the matter of buckeyes. Rather than suggesting you interrupt the story with an explanation of what they are, I would suggest that you describe this particular one in some detail. This would enable an ignorant foreigner such as myself to work out that it is a nut of some kind - and that's all that would be required.

It's such a well written and pleasant story that it should not be marred by any misunderstanding.

Bulbul signature which links back to the group page

Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
2023 Quill Nominee

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4802541

Review of Proposus Interruptus

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hah, that was different! And a little lesson for us all hidden away in the tale. It's a light-hearted, amusing story of a man deterred from proposing by his girlfriend's reaction to another couple going through the usual scene in public. But the story's real bite comes from the fact that the reader can't help but see the implicit lesson. How often do we spoil what life has to offer by being hypercritical?

And then there's John's course of action to consider as well. If he had the courage of his apparent conviction, he would have done better to go through with the little scenario in spite of his newly awakened realisation that his girlfriend's attitude made acceptance unlikely. It was the possibility of a test, after all. If the girl was so shallow as to reject the offer because of the way it was made, how genuine could her feelings be?

In fact, that is where you caught me out. I thought John would have to go through with it and that Marsha would accept with glee, suddenly unaware of how different her attitude was when the matter concerned her, rather than some stranger. But that's the thing about the tale - it may be short but it contains plenty to ponder on. Very nicely done, in fact.

Actually, now I think John had a lucky escape. I think Marsha's a flibbertygibbet.

Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
2023 Quill Nominee

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4802188

Review of Andrea Smiled

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Well, it's an interesting reflection on bringing up children. Is it really fiction? I sense somehow that it may be based on experience!

As a short story, it's a bit short on content. It would probably be best to describe it as a vignette, thereby avoiding any quibbles. But it reads well and amounts to an enjoyable and generally true (in my experience) statement regarding children's eating habits.

The first paragraph is a bit clumsy, however. Consider this: "She had gotten her unexpectedly today because her mother had been called into work unexpectedly. Apparently, the woman, who usually works on Tuesday’s unexpectedly went into labor." That's a lot of "unexpectedlys," isn't it? Repetition, unless resorted to for emphasis, tends to distract the reader. It's always best to look for another way to express the same thing. For instance, you could say: "She had gotten her unexpectedly that day because her mother had been called into work without notice. Apparently, the woman who usually worked on Tuesdays had gone into labor." Very little has changed but the word "unexpectedly" is no longer repeated.

Apart from that, it's an amusing piece perfectly designed as a quick read for the internet user looking for something brief but entertaining. Well done!

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4802008

Review of THE DEVILS MATCH

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

The first thing that struck me about your poem is a matter of presentation. The whole thing being in capitals is not only unusual, it's distracting for the reader. On the net, that is regarded as shouting and I'm sure you wouldn't want it to be perceived as that. So the best advice I can give you is to change it to lowercase type.

That will then introduce the matter of punctuation (if you were using the capitals to avoid the issue, don't - it's worth the hassle of punctuation, believe me). Traditionally, poetry used capitals at the start of each line but that's old hat these days. Modern thinking is to punctuate naturally, as though it were prose. So you'd start each sentence with a capital, use commas where appropriate, and end the sentence with a period. It's quite permissible to compromise by starting each stanza with a capital, ending it with a period, but ignoring punctuation otherwise.

If that's a problem, I suggest you get a grammar checker (there are a few available online for free - try Grammarly) and let it do the work for you.

And so to the poem itself. It's impressively long and I'm not sure that's a good idea these days. People have shorter concentration spans thanks to most of their reading being done via the screen, and they tend to prefer shorter pieces. Having said which, it's a narrative poem and they do tend to be longer. So I'm not criticising here but encourage you to think about cutting it back a little.

There are several errors and typos in the text. I've listed most and will include this at the end of the review. Again, I would suggest you use a free spell/grammar checker.

Your rhymes are very good and fit quite naturally into the flow of things, but there are occasions when the meter is a bit lumpy. Try reading the poem aloud and noting the occasions when the rhythm falters or proves difficult.

I've been to your portfolio and appreciate that this is an early effort to begin writing. Although the poem is entertaining and quite fun to read, it does have the telltale signs of someone who has not written a great deal over the years. The errors I've mentioned are typical of this. But I would encourage you to write more. There is nothing as good as practice for improving one's abilities and style. You have some talent, that's obvious, and it would be a pity to give up on account of a few easily mended mistakes in your first efforts.

Another thing you can do is to read. Read as much and as often as you can. It's not as hard work as writing and yet it helps just as much with improving both style and technique. But above all, keep writing!

Notes:

IN HIS HAND A CONTRACT
WITH A COLD DEMONIC GRIN Reads as though the contract was grinning. Something like, "In his hand a contract, he smiled a demonic grin."

HIS VOICE WAS LOW AND COURSE "Course" should be "coarse."

AS EARIE AS WAS SILENT "Earie" is spelt "eerie."

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR LOOKING FOR?"
"I LOVE YOU, NOW YOUR FREE" In both of these, "your" should be you're."

OF THE MYSTIC SPELL TO BRAKE "Brake" should be "break."

YOU SEE THERE WAS A CO-DECIL "Co-decil" is spelt "codicil."

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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5

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#4801817

Review of A Drummer Boy - In Christ, With Victory

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is very good. The tone is more spiritual than your original draft but the piece loses none of its power. You have extended our vision to see more of the battlefield and understand more of the boy's part in rallying the men. It is now a very strong piece with firm affirmation of faith that is unusual in today's climate but sadly needed as a result. It's time is coming, as the times, too, are changing, and patriotism finds a new expression beyond a simple understanding.

You don't actually state it but I see the setting as being the American Civil War or, possibly, the War of Independence. Not sure on this but drummer boys were probably still used in the later war. The setting matters only in that both sides would feel that their faith justified their stand and the opposing major would have delivered a similar speech to his soldiers. Certainly God would be more interested in supporting the boy through a difficult time than in siding with one faction or another. And the piece now gets closer to giving expression to this, I feel.

I particularly like the idea of dividing the story into sections and giving them titles to summarise their content. They are not chapters, the whole being quite consistent and self-envompassing, but there are defined phases in the battle and your sections accentuate this. I would, however, make the titles more obvious by emboldening the font and/or italicising it. Consider, too, centering them as additional indication that they are titles within the text.

Apart from that, the piece is a very powerful evocation of an aspect of war that has been largely ignored over the last several decades. The times are changing and it may well be that the story is perfectly timed to be in line with the swing of opinion towards a more balanced view. Well done indeed.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4801625

Review of Young Hiccup and the Tribe

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Fascinating story. And the names are wonderful! You've described it as a draft and it's clear towards the end that you still have work to do on it. I wish you would - there's a tantalising build-up throughout the story and I really want to know what happens. According to the dates, you haven't touched it since you first put it in your portfolio and that was six years ago. Time to pick it up and develop it further, I think.

There are a few typos and/or errors in the text but that's only to be expected in a draft. And there's an odd break halfway through which looks as though you deleted a part and then omitted to replace it. Plus your notes at the end concerning where you want the story to go. All point relentlessly to the fact that the story needs continuance. It really is worth it, I assure you.

Regarding previous reviews and ratings, I can only assume that people were not aware that it's a draft. Can't think of anything else that would cause such low ratings. I'll try to counterbalance that with my rating as I feel it has tremendous potential. But, above all, it cries out for finishing! Delightful reading.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4801417

Review of Demons of Science

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

It's an old argument and one that doesn't really have an answer. Perhaps the most interesting thing about the atom bomb is not whether it was "right" to have dropped it on Japan (and there can be no doubt that it ended the war almost immediately), but that the scientists took an even greater chance in testing it in the first place. There was a theory (poosible but not hugely likely) that it would set off a chain reaction that would set the earth's atmosphere on fire. Now that was real hubris from the scientists, to take the chance that life might be ended there and then. I think that might be a better subject for consideration of the real moral problem inherent in the matter, but that's just my opinion.

As regards the story, I must admit that I spent the first half thinking that it would make sense to have something a bit more defined as the actual invention they were working on. Of course, such thoughts were immediately dismissed with the big reveal near the end. But it does illustrate that it might have been better to introduce the bomb at an earlier stage. While the two scientists were working it was hard to get involved without knowing what they were working on. I thought it might be something a bit more current, such as messing with human DNA. As it is, I think you're entering the argument a little late. The moral implications had been wrestled with for twenty years in the sixties, when I was young, and no conclusion was reached then. Not sure it serves anything to bring it up again - we're too used to the shadow of nuclear war hanging over us now. The morality of the invention hardly matters at this stage, especially when you consider all the alternative evils we've managed to conjure since.

So my suggestion, if it's worth anything, is to change the invention to something more currently pressing - the DNA thing, for instance. Great story telling, of course, but a change in actual object might make it better.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4801300

Review of Loss

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

This is a powerful little piece. Almost makes me think you must have been a police diver at some stage. Which means, of course that you've done a really good job of transferring to the reader the horror of finding the girl and what death had made of her. The repetition of "mush" and the open eyes are profoundly affecting and it will be some time before I can forget them.

The question is: is it a story? In the same way as Hemingway's "For sale: baby shoes, never worn" it is, but is that really the point here? To me, it seems that the piece is an extremely emotive essay that only incidentally tells a very brief story. I would be tempted to change the description of it to Essay or Fiction. At least that would satisfy those who insist on a beginning, a middle and an end to qualify as story.

All that is debatable, of course. I mention it only because I know some would complain that it's not story. But as a piece of writing it's without flaw. And much of its power is vested in the unusual choice to make the reader the subject, always addressing the diver as "you." That's a difficult thing to do, writing in the second person, but this story is just perfect for it. You handle it very well too.

Which leaves me with little to say but well done. It's not enjoyable but wow, is it effective!

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4800876

Review of A Drummer Boy - In Christ, With Victory

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Well, it's an unpopular view but I'm not here to comment on one side or the other. It's no secret that, as much as humanity may assume that God takes their side in war, the truth is much more that He stands apart with interests far from the causes of war.

What you have asked me to do is to judge the quality of the writing and in this I can find no technical fault. The piece achieves what it set out to do and provides an interesting and affecting account of the drummer boy's emotions as he leads the way into battle. It is accurate in that war is part of man's history and any flat denial of the value of patriotism is simpliistic and too likely to result in worse than what it seeks to nurture.

Meaning that it's a complex subject and not easily dealt with. I think you have done a decent job of putting your view on it, and I can only assume that other reviewers have allowed their personal feelings on the matter to interfere with their judgement on the actual writing.

What advice I can give you, however, is to recognise that the piece is unlikely to receive fair judgement as a result. It would be best if you were to deal with the opposing viewpoint in addition to the one given, thereby showing that you are fully aware of the bad aspects of war as well as its necessity at times. There's no denying, after all, that war is nasty, brutish, and hard to justify, however much it may be in defence of freedom. In displaying both sides you will be the better writer, I believe.

Excellent writing, however. Maybe pick a less controversial topic next time, hey?

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4800577

Review of Blue Tuesday

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This story brings to the reader some sense of how terrible is senile dementia and its effect, not only on the sufferer, but on those around as well. We feel for Mrs Harper, trapped in her world of eternally waiting for Tuesday and her daughter but, in some ways, it's harder for the carers who have to suffer with her and face the hopelessness of it all. The constant repetition can be very hard on the listener and I know that from experience. My grandmother suffered in this way and was, coincidentally, 97 when she died.

A difficult subject and tackled very accurately and well in this flash fiction story. The details included are precisely what is required to set the scene, introducing a sameness to the day proceeding and, ultimately, to reveal the truth - that Mrs Harper's daughter will never arrive. It's well written, so much so that I hesitate to mention the one error that I found. But, in the final sentence, the statement, "Her daughter died fifteen year ago," it would be more natural to say "fifteen years ago."

A case of stumbling at the end of the race! But a minor slip indeed. A powerful little story, even so.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4799351

Review of Christmas and interdimensional physics

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A fascinating story and an interesting way to tell it. The device of putting it all in a letter (and also in a letter in a letter) is sufficiently different to hold a reader. My one slight disappointment was that it didn't really go anywhere - there was no denouement to tie things up with a great big bow.

As one who has very little understanding of quantum physics and related fields, it seemed like a pretty sound summary of the underlying science to the story. Certainly enough to satisfy anyone who reads short sci-fi anyway. Your writing, too, is confident and effective, drawing the reader on with interesting discussions of matters way beyond the ken of most of us. I found no errors and was hooked from the moment I started reading.

It's just that ending. Natural enough for the end of a letter, it needs to give a bit more to the reader of short fiction. And that means a twist or unexpected development that brings the story from scientific speculation into the area of literature. It's true that the letter contains more than enough interest to be called entertaining. But to earn the description of short story, it should go one step further. And that means it needs an ending beyond just signing off.

Even so, I found it to be most enjoyable and my one quibble is probably the result of my leaning towards the arts rather than sciences. It's very well done.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4798549

Review of Cleopatra's Jewels WC 283

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Nice twist at the end. And the story has me thinking, mainly about entrapment and what crime has been committed, but it's still thinking. And that's what is intended, surely.

I like the story because it achieves a lot with very few words. The use of dialogue is excellent, being the main vehicle for telling the story, and the occasional descriptive links are few and completely natural. I did have a little trouble working out who belonged to which name at first, but this was quickly dealt with. Just one extra dialogue tag would have helped in this.

Otherwise, it's an amusing tale that flows well and leads the reader easily into the final surprise. I found no errors or typos, so you can edit as well as write, obviously. It's just those thoughts that arose once I finished reading. The entrapment thing is probably void since it's clearly Steve who pushes the thing along. But the matter of which crime is committed remains. The intent was certainly there but, in the event, they didn't actually take anything. Breaking and entering doesn't count because there was no breaking.

They're minor quibbles, however, and no doubt Tony will come up with something to charge Steve with. ultimately it's a very enjoyable read.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4798431

Review of The Great Ship

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Of course, it's the Titanic and some of it, the band for instance if not the violinist, is true. It's an excellent evocation of how it must have been, with some panicking and scrambling to escape somehow, while others played the game to the very end. What a strange world it was, in some ways like ours, and in others completely weird. I can't help but feel that those rich drunkards and their steward are most like us.

It's a great idea, to zoom into those few experiencing the thing in their own ways, and well written too. I noticed two typos but nothing serious. Even the jumping from one group to another was entirely fitting and well handled.

I must admit that the Titanic story has always puzzled me - I can't understand why it, above all others, has held the attention of the world for so long. There were other tragic sinkings that were just as awful and with even fewer survivors. I suppose it was the extravagant claims made before the ship sailed - "unsinkable" seems just asking for it. But that doesn't stop me from appreciating the quality of your imagination in setting forth these stories within a story. An enjoyable read.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4798253

Review of A Speck of Adventure

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

That's easy. Ride one and get her to ride the other one. Seriously though, I like this story. Nothing wildly dramatic, easing its way at a leisurely pace, smooth as silk and an ending surprising only in its fitting so well with the rest of the story.

What stands out about the tale is the writing. You have an easy, confident style that allows the reader time to appreciate the story and its setting. There's no hurry to get to the end, just a slow and deliberate build up as the reader becomes ensnared with the charm of the tale. This transfers into the dialogue, which is natural, unforced, and yet tells us everything we need to know. I found no errors, no clumsy phrases, not even a typo.

Which leaves me without a suggestion for improvement. It's a great read, offering a quieter view on life than usual and a hint of philosophy too. Definitely a most enjoyable tale.

Just a word of warning to David Anzalone, however. He is going to find that riding that bike is an exhilarating and addictive experience. It is extremely hard to give up such a glorious adventure, so my advice is to take care, indeed.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4798089

Review of Realm Rangers

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

An account of a journey to a world in another dimension. The world described is an impressively different construction to the usual kind of thing imagined in scifi tales, although it does remind me of such early writers as Jules Verne and H.G. Wells. That is more due to style than the actual construct, however.

By this I mean that the writing is rather bare of adornment, reading rather like a report in that it deals mainly with events leading one from another, without much detail to fill in the picture. Although it could benefit to modern eyes by being a little more descriptive, it does have that appeal of early writers who were more interested in the facts than the characters' feelings.

There are also several typos and errors that make me suspect that the piece was written by voice to text rather than typed. Some are errors but there are some where the spelling is the giveaway. I've listed some of them below.

Just being round them is feels very scary. Should be either "is" or "feels."

It was a grueling experience but I finally was finally declared an official Realm Ranger. Just one "finally" will do."

What if I get loss? "Lost," not "loss."

At last, the inhabitance of the Nether Earth entered... "Inhabitants," not "inhabitance."

What reasons are you hear human? Clumsy. Better to ask, "Why are you here, human?" Note the correction of "hear" to "here."

Apart from these minor errors, the piece has excellent imagination and a different approach to recommend it. With a little more care in the editing, and more attention to detail, it could be a very good short story.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4797770

Review of Where is God?

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

This is an unusual story, keeping the reader guessing as to where it was leading. In the end, it appears that much has changed - I might almost say "been healed." I confess that I couldn't follow the math but I don't think that matters. The important thing is that it shows Valeria is particularly gifted in the subject. Which gives a good reason for her to go to college, of course.

The friendship between the narrator and Valeria is a bit hard to understand, as they seem to have little in common. Even their attitude to atheism seems vague and unexplored. But maybe that's true of some atheists - they can't all be convinced worshippers of science, I suppose.

Things do come together once they enter the church, however. From that moment the story gains pace and we begin to see a reason for the tale. The point that it is wrong to make assumptions about someone purely from hearsay is well made and it is entirely believable that Valeria should strike up a friendship with Rose. The awkwardness of Paul's relationship with Kelly is also something that may well come from real life. Certainly, it is very different from other relationships described in fiction and I suspect that this is because it's based upon something observed by the writer.

Overall, the writing is competent although I did notice a couple of typos that need fixing. You have an unusual style that is actually quite attractive - it makes things more interesting in that it poses questions at the reader quite unconsciously. This is a far more effective way of reaching readers than the usual religious moralising. Altogether, the story is an enjoyable read and I was happily surprised that it never resorted to preaching.

Well done indeed.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4797662

Review of Lost Time

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

I like this one. The explanation of the science involved is handled very well, so that it doesn't intrude upon the flow of the story. Having it introduced as part of the conversation is clearly the way to go, rather than an info dump at the beginning. Not that I understand the science - with these scifi constructions I tend to trust the writer that they've put something at least vaguely workable together. If it has a glaring weakness, I usually notice but this one sounds very strong.

That is mainly because you write well, of course. I think most people take such theories as given, just as I do, so it's the writing that gives one the confidence to go with the explanation. Having three characters involved is also a good idea. It gives more room to reflect differing reactions to the idea than just two would. James is obviously the one with the doubts and it's no surprise that he's proved right in the end!

And the end is excellent. Saved right to the final sentences, it provides the sudden surprise that short stories really need if they're to have impact. You handled this very well.

The one weakness that occurred to me as we journeyed through each portal (or pocket) was the advantage of having the factories in different time zones. Were they selling their wares in their own zone or exporting to other ones? And how would this benefit the owner? I suppose that having several factories allows more money to be made but that is true if they're all built in the same time anyway. It's not clear and might be better if a comment or two sheds light on it.

Otherwise, I enjoyed the story immensely. Very inventive and well told too.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4797354

Review of Jasmine

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Fascinating story, with an intriguing premise, a well told development, and an ending that leaves the reader with a mystery to ponder.

I was particularly impressed with the way you lead the reader into the story, a knock at the door leading to an encounter that seems to have no reason. This becomes a mystery that traps the reader with the characters in its unusual questions. In many ways, it resembles the usual trope of the person with amnesia, but this is deeper in that there is recall of early life until a certain event twenty years ago. This is followed by a complete absence of memory until the knock at the door. Various possibilities are considered but none seem to fit all the circumstances, the pair develop a relationship and then the lady disappears again. The writer is left alone for years and finally sees the lady in the street. She has no memory of him.

Particularly intriguing is the matter of where she has been in the lost twenty years. Her subsequent repeated disappearance and reappearance would seem to indicate that she has a different life somewhere without connection to the alternative existence. This is unsure, however, and the power of the story is in this very uncertainty. It gives the reader plenty to think about. And your telling of the story is quite memorable too, in its quiet unveiling of the facts and measured consideration of the possibilities.

The one possible weakness in the story is that we are told almost nothing about the narrator. We never get to know him and this makes it difficult to identify with him. If we knew just a little about him, why he lives alone and perhaps some of his history, we would understand more fully how he was drawn into the relationship with the girl.

But it's a minor quibble. The story is very strong even without these details. A most enjoyable read.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4797065

Review of Unseen

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

You had me wondering when the required words were going to show up! Vast relief right at the end...

A very pretty poem that draws the reader in with the progress made from the welcome mat, the kitchen, to the fireplace. I love the "footprints weeping snow across the floor." But I have a typo to report! Those "less waterspots..." are surely "lest waterspots..." Easily missed because "less" is a word although it doesn't fit the context.

But that doesn't change the fact that this is a well written poem. I forgot to mention that the reader is also drawn into the poem by the fact that he is addressed as "you" and so it's him (in my case) that tracks his snowy footprints across the floor. There's a pleasant breath of optimism in the approach of spring mentioned in the last line.

Perhaps the most interesting thing is that the flowers insisted upon by the prompt are so casually mentioned that they almost disappear beneath the impression made by the house and the footprints. The poem is really about the change between winter and spring and I like that you have not followed the obvious line and talked about the flowers.

Really nice little poem.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4796980

Review of The Water Rages On

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a very vivid portrayal of the Katrina disaster in New Orleans. It is very well written, without grammatical errors or typos, in simple but descriptive language. Avoiding the danger of reading like a news report, it concentrates on the experience of one family, allowing the reader to imagine what it must be like to flooded out of one's home and to wait for rescue on the rooftop.

I found it to be a moving account, reinforced by the fact that I remember the Katrina hurricane very well. This account really brings it to life.

There was one sentence that distracted me for a moment. "Rita stared for a few seconds in disbelief at what Howard was saying." In that instant it gave me a picture of Rita staring at something that was said - as though that were possible. Just one of those doubletake things and easily mended by a quick rephrase such as "Rita heard with horror what Howard was saying."

Other than that minor quibble, the piece is very affecting and beautifully written. Terrible memories were awoken for me.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4796493

Review of Kayda Saves the Day

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a delightful tale of a dragon and her interaction with the inhabitants of a nearby village. Aimed at a young audience, it is too long to be suitable for very young children, but from about five onwards I think it would be greatly appreciated.

When I first looked at this piece, it seemed very long, perhaps too long to review. But then I made the mistake of starting to read out of curiosity. And, of course, I was hooked. It's quite a fascinating story of a dragon's adventures told in simple yet vivid language. You write very well, without grammatical errors or typos, and the text flows smoothly and naturally. I would guess that the expected audience would be enthralled.

The one thing I found a bit odd is the use of the present tense to tell the story. It works well at first but becomes a bit wearing after a time. The effect of such writing is to give the narrative more immediacy but, when extended for too long, it can cause the attention to tire and eventually wander at being prodded so constantly. Safest would be to use the past tense (I know, how pedestrian, but it works - that's why it's so common). But it's up to you. This may be a matter of personal taste, after all.

You could also consider breaking it up into more easily digestible episodes. This would enable you to reach a younger audience as each episode could become a bedtime story. Also, I'd suggest cutting down the number of Returns between each chapter. The huge gaps are disconcerting online when they have to be scrolled through. Try instead showing the break with less of a gap and a symbol inserted in the centre. I use a text form like --ooOoo-- but anything will do.

So my points are more about presentation than anything else. The story itself is charming and very well aimed at a distinct clientele. I must congratulate you on the quality of your writing.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4796378

Review of Not To Worry

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

This is a story we might all have experienced in one way or another - it's the way that it's told that makes it stand out. Your descriptive powers are very strong and the piece is full of lusciously described places and events. If you have a weakness in this area, it's the danger of going just a little too far. Description is important in the prescribed doses but an overdose can easily destroy pace and flow. This piece is fine but beware of getting too flowery.

And then you go and invent a word! I love that, probably because I do it myself occasionally. Unfortunately, I checked and the word "grooping" does exist (though obsolete) but not in the context you use it. Apparently a "groop" is a trench or small ditch. Or was in medieval times. But, no matter, I'm perfectly prepared to imagine frogs grooping.

Otherwise everything flows quite naturally and you build tension and concern quite well. There's just one sentence that is a bit awkward and that is, "Something has had to have happened." I think you may have invented a new tense there! It's probably safest to avoid the issue and just say, "Something must have happened."

As I said, the story is quite common but you make it special with your writing skill and style. You wrote this many years ago so I presume things have moved on a great deal since then, and any advice I might give is probably hopelessly out of date as a result. And anyway, I like the story too much to say more than I have already. An enjoyable read!

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4795983

Review of Moon Rover

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An amusing little tale. Certainly, it has a beginning, a middle, and an ending and so qualifies as a short story but it could be a little better. That final surprise needs to be delivered with a bit more punch if it's to be truly effective. As it is, the surprise is delivered and the story winds down into an anti-climax.

The mistaken arrival at expected destination is the whole point to the story. As such it should be revealed as close to the end as possible. Perhaps the clue needs to be more obvious so any explanation becomes superfluous. The robot coming across a sign announcing Death Valley, for instance, or a service station claimed as the last chance for gas through the Valley.

Otherwise, the tale is well told, with the adventurous and inventive pair progressing through the various stages to ultimate denouement smoothly and without error. And you included the required words quite naturally. Nicely done.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4795823

Review of The Road Home

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Very well described, a tense, gripping tale that belies its simplicity. Your handling of tension is impressive - you were able to make the reader feel present and still you had time for interesting little details like "Several signs salting the surrounding area." And then you immediately spring the surprise of Pepper Drive! Salt and pepper, hey? Very clever.

Your writing is excellent, turning what is really quite a simple tale into a strong and cliff-hanging journey. Of course, we know that Henry will either get home in time or he won't, but you succeed in making it matter to us. And all the time the phone is nagging at us, just it does to Henry. It just makes everything so immediate.

I do think you should increase the font size a little - it's sorta borderline between strain and easy at the moment. Nice handling of italics and different fonts to indicate the phone's contributions and Henry's thoughts however.

Altogether it's a truly delightful tale, totally absorbing and yet quite economical with words. You are very talented.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4795609

Review of Cow Convention 2024

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I never realised cows had such a rich culture and civilsation! And now it seems they have mooses too (think about it - better still, say it!). A telling story of two cows deserted by their mooses and conspiring together for inspiration. It's a fairly quiet plot given greater depth and amusement by the details of bovine life inserted artfully into the text.

To some extent, it's every writer's fantasy transferred to the page but disguised in another world's clothes. It would certainly do as a child's story but I wonder whether there are deeper psychological clues embedded within. I am reminded of someone's advice on how to find your true love - stop looking.

There was just one thing that gave me slight pause in the reading. That business of the drink on the menu of the convention - "milkshake" skates a little too closely to cannibalism for me. Other than that, everything fits together rather well and I found no errors at all, grammatical or typo-ish. It's a jolly romp with a happy ending. Enough to satisfy any child, I'd think.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .