Beholden's (beholden) Reviews

Review Requests: ON

1,471 Public Reviews Given

1,472 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.

I'm good at...

Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.

Favorite Genres

I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.

Least Favorite Genres

Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.

Favorite Item Types

I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.

Least Favorite Item Types

See previous section.

I will not review...

Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.

1

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#4812847

Review of Static Becomes a Relic Here

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Surreal, unsettling, at times poetic, and hinting at meaning that is never grasped. It's different and therefore worthy of consideration. My only problem with it is that I'm unsure that you understand it as well. Without that, it's more of a flow of consciousness, a game of unrelated words that signify nothing in the end.

Which is not to disparage the piece - James Joyce's Ulysses, entirely attempting to record stream of consciousness, is highly regarded after all. But yours is rather different. There is intent behind the selection of words and phrases. Which implies meaning, of course. The only remaining problem would be that the meaning is not clear to the reader. And that leaves you only with emotion to reach him.

And the piece certainly does that. It evokes a response from the reader and that is what makes it unsettling. It's hard to accept feelings when their cause is unknown.

Usually, I don't like second person POV. I object to being told what I do and how I react. But, in this case, I think you're quite right to use it. It's a part of the unsettling intent of the piece and plays a definite part in its construction therefore.

Altogether, I think it's a brave and successful attempt to break away from the usual run of things. Beyond that, the apparent lack of meaning is a drawback. I would recommend that you keep the piece and develop it from time to time, but don't limit yourself to experiment. Everyone needs to express their thoughts at times and communication is the ultimate goal in this.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
2023 Quill Nominee

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4812585

Review of Just One Wish

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

A million is a good start, even if it's not very original. Not sure the devil would be as picky about language as depicted but it's a minor point. And necessary for the story to proceed.

I enjoy this kind of story that imagines a rather different personality for legendary or mythical characters. There's no reason their sophistication should not keep pace with the world, is there? And the devil would surely have a lot to do with the way the world is developing.

And so we come to poor old Bill Gates. I admit I've used him in a story or two as well and he probably deserves it. But I do like using his computers. As for the story, it's a nice twist to identify the hobo at the last moment. Gives everything an entirely new meaning. Very neatly done.

It's flash fiction so the brevity of the tale is quite appropriate and you cope easily with the pace and flow of the genre. Altogether a neat little story and enjoyable as well.

Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
2023 Quill Nominee

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4812294

Review of The Secret of Holloway Manor

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

This is a rollicking tale, a roller coaster ride from one desperate sitiuation to another, and a mystery older than time itself. It is gripping and full of tension but at times does overstep slightly. The ending I found particularly deflating since the crisis had long passed by then.

But the story is very imaginative and engrossing. Most of my comments are regarding what the movie makers describe as continuity - breaks in the understanding of the reader regarding the exact positioning of things or characters. I've made several notes as I read the piece and these are included below:

The explanation of the family history in the first few paras (5 and 6) is slightly laboured. Too obvious an info dump, I think.

May be a good idea to embolden and/or enlarge the font for the chapter headings. They disappear otherwise and are useful to the reader as place markers.

There is little distinction between the two detectives. They react in similar ways and are brave and afraid in equal measure. They need to be differentiated a bit more and, perhaps, speak differently so that their voices are easily identified.

This I like very much - the idea of something being made from malice is quite poetic: "He was something else, something unnatural, something made of shadows and malice."

Chapter Four - The door becomes a problem. The detectives are in the room but intend to leave and the door shuts. It won't open. Then Dr Holloway appears in the doorway. Is the door open or shut? It's not clear. Sam's position is also confusing. She tries the door, it won't open. Then Holloway speaks and Sam turns to see the doctor standing in the doorway. But Sam had been facing the door - how could she turn and see Holloway?

Overuse of the expression "the very ... (walls, place, etc.}" Seems a bit outdated and does little to add to the description. One usage should be enough for any short story.

Chapter Six - continuity again. As they land in the pit, Elliot reaches for Sam but can't find her. Then, after his conversation with the apparition, Sam is suddenly available to be grabbed and spoken to. Seems an unnecessary confusion, this being lost and suddenly found again.

Watch the temperature - it drops several times but recovery is never mentioned. Does it get colder and colder? They'll be frozen soon!

Chapter Eight - The race to find the crystal. They had fallen a long way after seeing the crystal but now it seems as if they are back on that level. I think mention should be made of how they climbed from the pit up to the level of the house.

I don't recall the shard of metal. Are you sure it has prior mention? The concoction used against the crystal was a complete surprise. Amazing that they should have the foresight to prepare this.

Not sure about the final chapter. Is it really necessary? Much of the tension has been dissipated by then and to try resurrecting it may be more than the story warrants. Just my opinion, however.

These are all detail quibbles and are easily mended. The story is, as I have said, imaginative and well described, so it's a pity that these occasional distractions spoil its full effect. A final edit should make the piece a good deal stronger.

Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4805487

Review of A Face to Freeze You Solid

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

I like this one - always up for a good revival of a mythical tale. And you handled it very well. The connection with Medusa is very obvious, right from the first inkling that the bag contains a head, but I thought it was going to be a case of mistaken contents, perhaps a greasy bowling ball or something. So you caught me well and it was a surprisingly pleasant surprise not to see (or rather to avoid seeing) the old gorgon's head emerging from the bag. Nicely done.

It's well written too, with suitable pace and not a typo or mistake in sight. Always makes my job easier if I don't have to go into explanations of why an expression or apostrophe is in the wrong place. So I was able to sit back and just enjoy Perseus' return to fame without bothering to make notes. What more could one want from a short story? Nothing indeed.

I do wonder what they were going to do with the two statues of policemen however.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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5

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#4805347

Review of Lenore

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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Very atmospheric story, full of foreboding, and ultimately leaving the reader to imagine the events that caused a disappearance. It's that last that worries me slightly. Of course, I can infer all sorts of endings and any of them might be true. But it still feels a little like cheating somehow. Maybe it's a matter of taste, but I would prefer a more definite statement at the end.

The story is beautifully constructed, fine detail adding atmosphere to a plot that is never overstated, and the darkness of the time, the weather, and the events all creating a mood of dread. The final paragraphs are the ominous result of this gathering storm and the story succeeds well in pursuit of its stated genres.

It's amazing how much meaning is packed into that little word "Poe." It establishes so much of what can now be used in the creation of atmosphere - Edgar Allan Poe's name hardly needs the addition of "raven" and "nevermore" to be the iconic master of the dark tale of weird and terrible things. Brilliant use of the name.

And a most enjoyable story. Well done indeed.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4805241

Review of Jesse

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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It's a powerful piece, full of the horror typical of the event described. The concentration on unremarkable details sets the tone and atmosphere at the beginning. This is exceptionally well done but may just edge into trying too hard. There are times when this brushes with incomprehensibility - I've made a note of the few that gave me pause and I'll append it below.

Otherwise, it's a very effective piece that elicits exactly the response required. It deals with a terrible event, after all, and so the piece is as hard to read as it is to think about such things. Art does not have to be beautiful for it to be good - just honest.

I found no mistakes beyond the slight advances beyond comprehension that I mention below. The fact remains that it would be hard to write a more effecive piece on this event and I can only rate it at five perfect stars.

Notes:

they seek refuge on motionless humans; some too buried in somber thoughts to care The flies are buried in thought? It's not clear who you mean at first and would bear a little rewriting.

squints down the quiet street; odd despite the many that litter it. The many what? It becomes clear, if the reader continues, that you mean people, but the damage has already been done. To refer rather to "many people" would avoid the problem.

a bitter reminder of the depth of his loneliness Whose loneliness? It's not clear who you're talking about until the reader moves on to later sentences. I think you need to somehow mention the prisoner before discussing his feelings.

So there we have it, a few minor quibbles but nothing that can't be mended with very little effort. Altogether a truly excellent piece.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4805000

Review of A Bad Bet

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Reviewing signature for the B.E.A.R. Fund.

What a wonderful tale and how disappointing that it has no ending. I must presume that's the reason for the stingy award of three stars from your previous reviewer. And it's true that the story cries out for a denouement.

But I think the story deserves much more for its originality, how well it is told, your delightfully leisurely pacing, and its gripping atmosphere. I love it so much that I can only deduct half a star in the hope that it might encourage you to finish it.

I suspect that you haven't spent much time on the story since putting it down eighteen months ago. The clue is in the odd little errors I stumbled over in my reading. All of them very minor but I would have expected them to be discovered and mended by now. Perhaps evidence that you don't go back and reread a piece once you think it finished. I urge you to change your ways if that's the case - it's how you eventually come to see how good (or otherwise) you are.

As for the errors, I made notes and will append them here:

The chairs shadows jumped onto the wall - a missing apostrophe! "chair's"

There was something familiar to to cadence - a repeated "to" instead of a "the"!

For a split second they shown bright - Interesting one this. My immediate thought was that "shown" should be "shone" but then I remembered that "shined" is more common in America. But that seems a bigger jump to "shown..." Either way, it ain't right.

So that's it. Absolutely beautiful story, told like a professional, and just requires finishing. A most enjoyable read.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4804764

Review of Sweethearts Forever

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Interesting. For much of the piece I wondered where you were going and only figured it out near the end. An unstated story that coalesces from the mists. Very pleasing in construction, yet loses none of its horror as we rebuild meaning from the beginning. That's the real shock - the realisation that all these extravagant protestations of love proceed from a twisted mind and the brief perceived answers are like whispers from a ghost.

Initially I thought the two-word responses from Candace were the result of some sort of constraint by a contest requirement. Their brevity and limited relevance to the narrator's questions were unsettling but did not hint at their true cause. Which makes the final revelation all the more horrifying, of course.

Essentially, you've written a chilling story that builds in tension towards a dreadful (a good thing in the context of horror stories) denouement. I found no errors and can only applaud the idea and its execution. Bravo!

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4804583

Review of Beneficence

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

A tale of two halves. Very realistic at first, it describes Bertie's experiences and pains quite vividly, painting truly atmospheric pictures of the morning mist and the fields. And then Bertie gets drawn to the pond and suddenly we're somewhere else quite demonic. It's done very well and I think most readers will adjust to the change quite readily.

What is consistent throughout the piece is your descriptive power. The opening scene is quite beautiful and even the demon, terrible though he is, presents us with an impressive picture. He is, indeed, suitably demonic. Michael, however, does not seem so representative of his nature. He is a little flippant and finds amusement in jokes that jar against the serious nature of the occasion. Perhaps it's a matter of taste but I'd prefer him to portray rather more of a supernatural nature. The story is quite realistic in the main and Michael's banality feels out of place to me. It wouldn't take much to fix it - just give him a bit more gravitas.

Other than that it's a very effective tale, well told and painted with great expertise. Most enoyable in fact.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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10

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#4804380

Review of Flash

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Interesting structure to the story. Taking the reader step by step backward through time is a novel and fascinating idea. Not sure that it works with the "flashes" between each image (they become irritating) but there may be other and better ways of telling it. The point is that it's a brilliant idea and worth a bit of thought to get its presentation absolutely right.

I was relieved that you eventually told the story in the correct order - it would have been terrible to be left trying to figure it out purely from the backward version. My only regret is that the poor goldfish came to such a sudden and brutal end.

So I think the story is excellent, largely because of the way you told it. In conventional form it would merely be the tale of an evening that went disastrously wrong. But you injected so much interest by running it backwards past us in the first place. A substantial taste to whet the appetite! I love it!

And so to the errors scattered through the text. I made some notes as I read and they follow:

The last twelve hours or so are such a blur I feel as if my memory's as poor as the one this little guy supposedly is. It's not clear who you're referring to with "this little guy." The next sentence clears this up but it's too late - the reader is already confused. Best just to say "as poor as the goldfish's."

he looks into me, opening and closing its tiny mouth Make up your mind - is it "he" or "it?"

my wife and I's favorite restaurant Should be "my wife and my." Take out your wife and "I's favorite restaurant" looks and is wrong.

To bring her and I back to what we used to be. Should be "her and me." Same test as above.

he looks into me, opening and closing its tiny mouth Another instance of both "he" and "its" in the same sentence. Choose one and stick with it, at least in the same sentence.

And that's it. They're little niggles but so easily sorted out that it would be a pity to leave them in. It's really a most entertaining and different read.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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11

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#4804019

Review of Dear Krista

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Interesting description, How to ruin a life. And it turns out to be true. An oft-repeated story but one that never grows old.

You handle it very well, enticing the reader by gradually unfolding the situation, reluctantly letting out facts so that the picture becomes clearer. In the end, it's the letter that reveals all, the story presenting itself in stark fullness through the words as they're written. It's an effective technique, holding the reader to the last.

Some readers might object to the story ending as abruptly as it does, but nothing would be served by continuing. We all know how it will go. Perhaps even Todd does, aware of his shame as he is (the determination not to tell his parents until they have to know and the need to cross a state boundary to be legal).

It's a powerful little story told in an indirect manner that holds the reader most securely. I found no errors and must congratulate you on such a tight and precise tale. Clever to allow the reader to supply their own contribution as well. Well done indeed.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4803634

Review of Dinner Plates

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is the kind of thing I love - minute observation of ordinary things that, for most, pass unnoticed and uncelebrated. The result is a poem that is full of love and genuine feeling for the small things that underpin and hold together the things we treasure most. How beautiful this poem is as a result.

I particularly love the unhurried approach, the willingness to explore each little detail that occurs and relate each one to the life that gives it existence. These things become a part of us and, as the poem explains, give meaning to the time we spend on this earth.

All this is seen through the eyes of one who loves the person washing the dishes. No one else would notice and appreciate such minor aspects of a daily life. And yet these are the very aspects that the reader can greet with recognition, recalling incidents in their own lives that speak as deeply. As a poet, you deal with what makes us human and this poem is just one spell in your book of magic tricks. May you write many more.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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13

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#4803170

Review of The Rehearsal(First write, just a draft)

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a very effective little horror story, given its brevity. It has much potential and could easily be extended to a longer story, perhaps even a novel. Which is not to decrease its quality in its present form.

The idea is original and comes as quite a surprise. I do think this could be increased if less time passed between the discovery of the room and the arrival of Anna. Elliot's viewing of two other tapes gives the reader time to consider outcomes and it's inevitable that top of the list is that Elliot will be caught before he can leave the room. I would spend more time on the blooming romance between the two before the revelation of the hidden room, thereby making the denouement even more shocking.

It's a minor improvement, however, and there's no doubt that the story succeeds just as it is. I mention the possibility of adjustment only because I think it would be a little more powerful that way. And it's only my opinion. Otherwise, the story delivers quite admirably on its promise of horror.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4802849

Review of Weary Warrior

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

I kinda like these tales focusing on the thoughts of inanimate objects. there's an art to getting them right and this story is an excellent example of how to go about it. Leaving the revelation of the narrator's true being until the end is the right way to go with this one. The reader becomes engrossed with the old warrior's thoughts on his fading career and this gets him firmly on the narrator's side.

Which, of course, makes the surprise of his turning out to be a toothbrush that much more affecting. In this way, you're able to talk about both things - the faithfulness of sworn servants and the glory of dependable tools. They share a great deal and that, surely, is the point of the story.

All of which is to point out that you have done your job rather well. The reader has been entertained and educated at the same time. To do so much within only 309 words is pretty good. Unfortunately, your failure to make even one tiny mistake leaves me with little more to say. Well done!

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4802709

Review of Allies of Gratitude

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Well, I had to do a bit of research on buckeyes for this. It's what we Brits call a horse chestnut or conker. One of those rare occasions when local differences get in the way of understanding. But now I know all about buckeyes!

It's an interesting story and one that I have no difficulty in believing, having had a similar encounter that involved myself, a hornet and a caterpillar. There is more in heaven and earth than is dreamt of in our philosophy, indeed.

Your powers of description are in excellent display in this piece. The scene was set to create an atmosphere that the reader becomes immersed in and is quickly drawn into the events. I was particularly taken with the idea of the pile of clippings used by all the neighbours. What a good and sensible idea that is, one I could have used myself in former times. And then the interaction of human and animals is so natural a development that the reader happily goes along with it.

The result is a charming story that remains with the reader for some time. My one concern is the matter of buckeyes. Rather than suggesting you interrupt the story with an explanation of what they are, I would suggest that you describe this particular one in some detail. This would enable an ignorant foreigner such as myself to work out that it is a nut of some kind - and that's all that would be required.

It's such a well written and pleasant story that it should not be marred by any misunderstanding.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4802541

Review of Proposus Interruptus

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hah, that was different! And a little lesson for us all hidden away in the tale. It's a light-hearted, amusing story of a man deterred from proposing by his girlfriend's reaction to another couple going through the usual scene in public. But the story's real bite comes from the fact that the reader can't help but see the implicit lesson. How often do we spoil what life has to offer by being hypercritical?

And then there's John's course of action to consider as well. If he had the courage of his apparent conviction, he would have done better to go through with the little scenario in spite of his newly awakened realisation that his girlfriend's attitude made acceptance unlikely. It was the possibility of a test, after all. If the girl was so shallow as to reject the offer because of the way it was made, how genuine could her feelings be?

In fact, that is where you caught me out. I thought John would have to go through with it and that Marsha would accept with glee, suddenly unaware of how different her attitude was when the matter concerned her, rather than some stranger. But that's the thing about the tale - it may be short but it contains plenty to ponder on. Very nicely done, in fact.

Actually, now I think John had a lucky escape. I think Marsha's a flibbertygibbet.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4802188

Review of Andrea Smiled

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Well, it's an interesting reflection on bringing up children. Is it really fiction? I sense somehow that it may be based on experience!

As a short story, it's a bit short on content. It would probably be best to describe it as a vignette, thereby avoiding any quibbles. But it reads well and amounts to an enjoyable and generally true (in my experience) statement regarding children's eating habits.

The first paragraph is a bit clumsy, however. Consider this: "She had gotten her unexpectedly today because her mother had been called into work unexpectedly. Apparently, the woman, who usually works on Tuesday’s unexpectedly went into labor." That's a lot of "unexpectedlys," isn't it? Repetition, unless resorted to for emphasis, tends to distract the reader. It's always best to look for another way to express the same thing. For instance, you could say: "She had gotten her unexpectedly that day because her mother had been called into work without notice. Apparently, the woman who usually worked on Tuesdays had gone into labor." Very little has changed but the word "unexpectedly" is no longer repeated.

Apart from that, it's an amusing piece perfectly designed as a quick read for the internet user looking for something brief but entertaining. Well done!

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4802008

Review of THE DEVILS MATCH

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

The first thing that struck me about your poem is a matter of presentation. The whole thing being in capitals is not only unusual, it's distracting for the reader. On the net, that is regarded as shouting and I'm sure you wouldn't want it to be perceived as that. So the best advice I can give you is to change it to lowercase type.

That will then introduce the matter of punctuation (if you were using the capitals to avoid the issue, don't - it's worth the hassle of punctuation, believe me). Traditionally, poetry used capitals at the start of each line but that's old hat these days. Modern thinking is to punctuate naturally, as though it were prose. So you'd start each sentence with a capital, use commas where appropriate, and end the sentence with a period. It's quite permissible to compromise by starting each stanza with a capital, ending it with a period, but ignoring punctuation otherwise.

If that's a problem, I suggest you get a grammar checker (there are a few available online for free - try Grammarly) and let it do the work for you.

And so to the poem itself. It's impressively long and I'm not sure that's a good idea these days. People have shorter concentration spans thanks to most of their reading being done via the screen, and they tend to prefer shorter pieces. Having said which, it's a narrative poem and they do tend to be longer. So I'm not criticising here but encourage you to think about cutting it back a little.

There are several errors and typos in the text. I've listed most and will include this at the end of the review. Again, I would suggest you use a free spell/grammar checker.

Your rhymes are very good and fit quite naturally into the flow of things, but there are occasions when the meter is a bit lumpy. Try reading the poem aloud and noting the occasions when the rhythm falters or proves difficult.

I've been to your portfolio and appreciate that this is an early effort to begin writing. Although the poem is entertaining and quite fun to read, it does have the telltale signs of someone who has not written a great deal over the years. The errors I've mentioned are typical of this. But I would encourage you to write more. There is nothing as good as practice for improving one's abilities and style. You have some talent, that's obvious, and it would be a pity to give up on account of a few easily mended mistakes in your first efforts.

Another thing you can do is to read. Read as much and as often as you can. It's not as hard work as writing and yet it helps just as much with improving both style and technique. But above all, keep writing!

Notes:

IN HIS HAND A CONTRACT
WITH A COLD DEMONIC GRIN Reads as though the contract was grinning. Something like, "In his hand a contract, he smiled a demonic grin."

HIS VOICE WAS LOW AND COURSE "Course" should be "coarse."

AS EARIE AS WAS SILENT "Earie" is spelt "eerie."

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR LOOKING FOR?"
"I LOVE YOU, NOW YOUR FREE" In both of these, "your" should be you're."

OF THE MYSTIC SPELL TO BRAKE "Brake" should be "break."

YOU SEE THERE WAS A CO-DECIL "Co-decil" is spelt "codicil."

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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19

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#4801817

Review of A Drummer Boy - In Christ, With Victory

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is very good. The tone is more spiritual than your original draft but the piece loses none of its power. You have extended our vision to see more of the battlefield and understand more of the boy's part in rallying the men. It is now a very strong piece with firm affirmation of faith that is unusual in today's climate but sadly needed as a result. It's time is coming, as the times, too, are changing, and patriotism finds a new expression beyond a simple understanding.

You don't actually state it but I see the setting as being the American Civil War or, possibly, the War of Independence. Not sure on this but drummer boys were probably still used in the later war. The setting matters only in that both sides would feel that their faith justified their stand and the opposing major would have delivered a similar speech to his soldiers. Certainly God would be more interested in supporting the boy through a difficult time than in siding with one faction or another. And the piece now gets closer to giving expression to this, I feel.

I particularly like the idea of dividing the story into sections and giving them titles to summarise their content. They are not chapters, the whole being quite consistent and self-envompassing, but there are defined phases in the battle and your sections accentuate this. I would, however, make the titles more obvious by emboldening the font and/or italicising it. Consider, too, centering them as additional indication that they are titles within the text.

Apart from that, the piece is a very powerful evocation of an aspect of war that has been largely ignored over the last several decades. The times are changing and it may well be that the story is perfectly timed to be in line with the swing of opinion towards a more balanced view. Well done indeed.

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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20

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#4801625

Review of Young Hiccup and the Tribe

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Fascinating story. And the names are wonderful! You've described it as a draft and it's clear towards the end that you still have work to do on it. I wish you would - there's a tantalising build-up throughout the story and I really want to know what happens. According to the dates, you haven't touched it since you first put it in your portfolio and that was six years ago. Time to pick it up and develop it further, I think.

There are a few typos and/or errors in the text but that's only to be expected in a draft. And there's an odd break halfway through which looks as though you deleted a part and then omitted to replace it. Plus your notes at the end concerning where you want the story to go. All point relentlessly to the fact that the story needs continuance. It really is worth it, I assure you.

Regarding previous reviews and ratings, I can only assume that people were not aware that it's a draft. Can't think of anything else that would cause such low ratings. I'll try to counterbalance that with my rating as I feel it has tremendous potential. But, above all, it cries out for finishing! Delightful reading.

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Beholden
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#4801417

Review of Demons of Science

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

It's an old argument and one that doesn't really have an answer. Perhaps the most interesting thing about the atom bomb is not whether it was "right" to have dropped it on Japan (and there can be no doubt that it ended the war almost immediately), but that the scientists took an even greater chance in testing it in the first place. There was a theory (poosible but not hugely likely) that it would set off a chain reaction that would set the earth's atmosphere on fire. Now that was real hubris from the scientists, to take the chance that life might be ended there and then. I think that might be a better subject for consideration of the real moral problem inherent in the matter, but that's just my opinion.

As regards the story, I must admit that I spent the first half thinking that it would make sense to have something a bit more defined as the actual invention they were working on. Of course, such thoughts were immediately dismissed with the big reveal near the end. But it does illustrate that it might have been better to introduce the bomb at an earlier stage. While the two scientists were working it was hard to get involved without knowing what they were working on. I thought it might be something a bit more current, such as messing with human DNA. As it is, I think you're entering the argument a little late. The moral implications had been wrestled with for twenty years in the sixties, when I was young, and no conclusion was reached then. Not sure it serves anything to bring it up again - we're too used to the shadow of nuclear war hanging over us now. The morality of the invention hardly matters at this stage, especially when you consider all the alternative evils we've managed to conjure since.

So my suggestion, if it's worth anything, is to change the invention to something more currently pressing - the DNA thing, for instance. Great story telling, of course, but a change in actual object might make it better.

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Beholden
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#4801300

Review of Loss

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

This is a powerful little piece. Almost makes me think you must have been a police diver at some stage. Which means, of course that you've done a really good job of transferring to the reader the horror of finding the girl and what death had made of her. The repetition of "mush" and the open eyes are profoundly affecting and it will be some time before I can forget them.

The question is: is it a story? In the same way as Hemingway's "For sale: baby shoes, never worn" it is, but is that really the point here? To me, it seems that the piece is an extremely emotive essay that only incidentally tells a very brief story. I would be tempted to change the description of it to Essay or Fiction. At least that would satisfy those who insist on a beginning, a middle and an end to qualify as story.

All that is debatable, of course. I mention it only because I know some would complain that it's not story. But as a piece of writing it's without flaw. And much of its power is vested in the unusual choice to make the reader the subject, always addressing the diver as "you." That's a difficult thing to do, writing in the second person, but this story is just perfect for it. You handle it very well too.

Which leaves me with little to say but well done. It's not enjoyable but wow, is it effective!

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Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023 and 2024
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#4800876

Review of A Drummer Boy - In Christ, With Victory

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Well, it's an unpopular view but I'm not here to comment on one side or the other. It's no secret that, as much as humanity may assume that God takes their side in war, the truth is much more that He stands apart with interests far from the causes of war.

What you have asked me to do is to judge the quality of the writing and in this I can find no technical fault. The piece achieves what it set out to do and provides an interesting and affecting account of the drummer boy's emotions as he leads the way into battle. It is accurate in that war is part of man's history and any flat denial of the value of patriotism is simpliistic and too likely to result in worse than what it seeks to nurture.

Meaning that it's a complex subject and not easily dealt with. I think you have done a decent job of putting your view on it, and I can only assume that other reviewers have allowed their personal feelings on the matter to interfere with their judgement on the actual writing.

What advice I can give you, however, is to recognise that the piece is unlikely to receive fair judgement as a result. It would be best if you were to deal with the opposing viewpoint in addition to the one given, thereby showing that you are fully aware of the bad aspects of war as well as its necessity at times. There's no denying, after all, that war is nasty, brutish, and hard to justify, however much it may be in defence of freedom. In displaying both sides you will be the better writer, I believe.

Excellent writing, however. Maybe pick a less controversial topic next time, hey?

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Beholden
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#4800577

Review of Blue Tuesday

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This story brings to the reader some sense of how terrible is senile dementia and its effect, not only on the sufferer, but on those around as well. We feel for Mrs Harper, trapped in her world of eternally waiting for Tuesday and her daughter but, in some ways, it's harder for the carers who have to suffer with her and face the hopelessness of it all. The constant repetition can be very hard on the listener and I know that from experience. My grandmother suffered in this way and was, coincidentally, 97 when she died.

A difficult subject and tackled very accurately and well in this flash fiction story. The details included are precisely what is required to set the scene, introducing a sameness to the day proceeding and, ultimately, to reveal the truth - that Mrs Harper's daughter will never arrive. It's well written, so much so that I hesitate to mention the one error that I found. But, in the final sentence, the statement, "Her daughter died fifteen year ago," it would be more natural to say "fifteen years ago."

A case of stumbling at the end of the race! But a minor slip indeed. A powerful little story, even so.

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Beholden
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#4799351

Review of Christmas and interdimensional physics

Review by Beholden

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A fascinating story and an interesting way to tell it. The device of putting it all in a letter (and also in a letter in a letter) is sufficiently different to hold a reader. My one slight disappointment was that it didn't really go anywhere - there was no denouement to tie things up with a great big bow.

As one who has very little understanding of quantum physics and related fields, it seemed like a pretty sound summary of the underlying science to the story. Certainly enough to satisfy anyone who reads short sci-fi anyway. Your writing, too, is confident and effective, drawing the reader on with interesting discussions of matters way beyond the ken of most of us. I found no errors and was hooked from the moment I started reading.

It's just that ending. Natural enough for the end of a letter, it needs to give a bit more to the reader of short fiction. And that means a twist or unexpected development that brings the story from scientific speculation into the area of literature. It's true that the letter contains more than enough interest to be called entertaining. But to earn the description of short story, it should go one step further. And that means it needs an ending beyond just signing off.

Even so, I found it to be most enjoyable and my one quibble is probably the result of my leaning towards the arts rather than sciences. It's very well done.

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Beholden
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