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Review of The Disappearance  Open in new Window.
Review by Magicmama Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Chapter I review--am doing my notes in blue. Most is just basic edit work. If you have any questions about why I suggested something, just let me know. Check on the paragraphing, as I made a few changes, not in blue. Hope this helps!!!

At ninety-five, Evelyn - or Nana - as Em called her - was as stubborn as a mule.Evelyn (or Nana, as Em called her) was . She could outdo anyone when it came to working in the garden, cleaning house, or just walking in the woods. On many occasions Ems' momSue, tried unsuccessfully to talk her mother into finding some help, but sheNana refused. When old Doctor Burford called and said she had fallen and broken her collar bone and wrist there was no stopping her mom,9delete Sue. Arrangements were made, Wayne, Em's dad, put a "For Sale" sign in the front yard, and the packing was done. They were on their way to Arkansas.

Em had delete shed many tears of sadness on leaving the only home she had ever known, and all the friends she had made through the years, but she was getting excited about the move.

She thought about the many summers she and Brad had spent with Nana. They both loved the mansion's vast open backyard with its pathways of white gravel that wove down and around the ferns, the gingers and the flower beds of roses and purple delphiniums surrounding the old trees. When summer was over and the family went back to Florida, the smell of perfume wafting from Nana's roses, lingered with Em throughout the school year.

The one dark spot in Ems' mind was the menacing forest at the back of the yard. Its trees plunged high into the sky shutting out most of the light from the sun. She remembered the terror of being lost in it when she was four. Even thinking about it now, she could hear the wind howling throughout the branches, sounding like a pack of wolves on the prowl.

As the car sped quietly along the highway, Em closed her eyes to take a nap and thought about all the times she had been with her grandmother. It was funny how she remembered Nana always being there. She couldn’t help but laugh thinking about Nana saying to her “Em, try and concentrate, you can see the faeries just like I can.”

Em would say “Aww Nana, you know that aren’t any real faeries.” Even when they found her in the forest, Nana held her tight for hours, and said, “Em you’re safe, the faeries helped to find you. We love you.”

Ems' mom was happy enough to allow her mother to hold onto her. Em and Nana had a very special bond, just as Nana and her daughter, Sue, did.

When Em would come to visit for the summer, they would play with Nanas’ faeries together, and Nana said, “Em you name some of the faeries for me.” Em named quite a few. When they worked in the vegetable garden Nana would say, “Watch out for the faeries, you don’t want to hurt one of them.” When they cooked spaghetti and meat balls together, Nana would always say “Be sure and don’t burn yourself Em.” When they read about faeries and ghost, Nana would continue to say “Em, you must open your eyes to seeing my faeries. Some day they will be yours to take care of.”

One thing about Nana, at five feet two inches and weighing in at one-hundred and ten pounds, she was a "tough cookie," as her mother phrased it, and she could do anything she put her mind to. She kept up with the large mansion she lived in and she made sure the gardens were kept in perfect shape. She let a man come once a week and use her riding lawn mower to mow the grass, trim bushes and pull weeds. If she had some new flowers, she would have him plant those with her instructions.

But the time Em treasured the most is when she was in the which? room with Nana. She talked about fairies and how they were real. She told Em she was capable of seeing them too. Em would say again, "Oh Nana, I have yet to see any faerie and I have stayed with you many times!" Nana would smile, and say nothing more. Em and Nana loved each other so much. Em would spend the night with her every other weekend. There was a bed built into the wall in the large dressing room. This is where she slept. Nana said it used to belong to a maid who lived in the house many generations ago.

Then she would begin her story tellingtelling her stories of past generations. Em felt like she was listening to her read a book and Nana would substitute family names in it as she went along.

“Brad! Stop kicking the back of the seat,” Sue said with a raised voice.

Em sat up and rubbed her sleepy eyes. “How much longer do we have, mom?"

“We still have several hours to go Em,”

Em laid lay back and closed her eyes again and quietly drifted back to sleep. She thought about how what it would be to live with Nana. She remembered this-delete There was one weekend when she was sleeping overshe had asked “Nana how did they get water in the kitchen and bathroom before it was updated?” Em asked.

“Well, at one time there was a system on the roof that would catch the rainwater. The water would then wind its way through the pipes into the bathrooms. Did you know rainwater was the best for your hair and skin? As for the kitchen, there were young men to bring water up from the lakes.”

She pictured Nana working in her garden with the sun shining on her head. It brought out her beautiful silver gray hair. She looked up and saw a very tall man going towards her. As he came closer she could see how handsome he was. He had a smirk on his face. Nana looked up and threw her hand over her mouth. She tried to get up as fast as she could, but this man was too close. He swung his hand at her and knocked her down.
"No, no, go away!" Em saidshouted. "Stop it. Leave her alone!"

"Em, Em, wake up! You're having a nightmare. Come on, we're here.” Em jumped up and slid out of the car. After two and a half days on the road, they had made it one hour before the Moving Van pulled in. Em was really excited. Once the van was unloaded, everyone got busy unpacking boxes and settling into their new home. As Em walked through the front door with her last box, Nana called out.

"Em, can you come help me?"

Placing the box on the floor, she ran through the parlor to Nana’s bedroom and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Nana sat in her overstuffed chair looking thinner than Em could remember. Her arm was in a sling and her wrist had a cast up to her elbow. Em could not ever remember seeing her grandmother so pale and with dark circles under her eyes.

"What can I do for you Nana?"

"Would you hang my crystal chimes back up by the window, and then take the bowl of water and cloth back to the bathroom for me? My crystals needed a little bath to get their sparkle back."

"Sure," she said and hurried with the bowl and cloth through the dressing room into the bathroom. She loved the old bathroom. It was huge and had a claw-foot tub with gold spigots; the toilet still had a pull chain. It was one of the things Nana refused to change. She had new plumbing, wiring and the necessary things in the kitchen updated a few years back, but she wanted to keep her bedroom and bathroom looking the same as it always did. Setting the bowl and cloth down, Em walked back through the large dressing room, glancing over at the maid's bed built into the wall. It was special because this is where she slept during their "girls" night together. It was her favorite time.

Em came back into the bedroom, took the step stool from the side of Nana's feather bed, and pushed it next to the wall by the window. “Is this where you want it Nana?”

“Yes hon, right up there on that hook.”

Em climbed up and placed the chimes onto the hook next to the window. She heard a little giggle. "Did you hear that Nana?"

"Hear what, Em?" Nana said with a smile.

"That giggle." Em said.

Nana laughed with her soft laughter and said, "It's one of the faeries. They love my crystal chimes."

Em laughed too. Sure it is. She loved the way Nana talked about faeries and unworldly things such as ghost. She was the best story teller in the county. Em paused for a moment; Nana's room did have an air of mystery to it. It wasn't surprising though; the entire house had its own amount of mysteriousness with its secret hiding places, fake walls, doors, cabinets and panels. Em thought to herself, I do remember thinking I saw one of them move. Oh, but that’s because I listen to Nana’s stories. I know it can’t be real.

"Look, the sun is shining through the crystals making a rainbow. They're so beautiful."

"It’s special Em, and one of my favorite things," said Nana.

Em thought about a part of her dream when she was asleep in the car. “Nana, do you remember when I use to play faeries with you?”

“Indeed I do Em, Nana said as she sat in her overstuffed chair. “You gave several of them a name. Do you remember what they were?”

“Mmm, let’s see,” said Em as she walked over to NanasNana's dresser. “This one is Agatha,” and she pointed to one with red hair. “There are so many I have forgotten though."--delete

“Oh! And this one is Samantha. There’s Daphne and that one is Lillith. I think you named her, not me.”

“You do remember a lot of them. You use to fight dragons with them and when you won, you would give them one of my necklaces or bracelets as a medal.”

“I remember, Nana. They hung around their tiny necks and would slide off down onto your furniture.”

“That’s right. Have you tried to see them, Em?”

“Oh Nana, you know they aren’t real. Anyway, I have to go finish unpacking the boxes in my room. I’m so excited about our living here with you!” Em exclaimed as she walked out of the room.

“Me too, Em,” Nana replied, “Me too.”









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2
2
for entry "PrologueOpen in new Window.
Review by Magicmama Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi! This is a review as of your auction package! After reading "Voyager"/”Prologue,” I have the following comments to offer. Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently! Thank you for allowing me to share with you, and my hope is that I can be of help to you. I am also part of Showers of Joy group.





*Pencil* Overall Impression: I read and enjoyed the Voyager version before I read the Prologue. The Prologue works, and had I not read the other one first, I would have been completely satisfied with it. Frankly, I fell in love with the sibilant sounds in the first one. The characterizations of Mikael introduced with the longer versions made me more interested in what happened to him. The nasty food he is delivering had me cringing, but also understanding what Mikael and the crew have been going through. That understanding is missing in the shortened version.

*Pencil* Initial hook: In the shortened version, I don’t think the storm is as strong a hook as it seems that it should be. To begin with, there is no connection with a character as it begins. I do agree with you that the longer version might be more than you need. I would just like a little more of Mikael before he goes out in the storm. Maybe just skip the food for the crew part, and have him sent out with the tea for the Captain. The descriptions of being in the galley really made me feel a stronger sense of the storm.

*Pencil* Mikael is a strong character. I love the way you introduce the native characters. Really makes me want to know them

*Pencil* Dialogue: fine, there isn't really any in the short version, but that works as it stands. In the long version, the dialogue in the galley works

*Pencil* Suggestions: I do suggest that you use something to indicate thought. Italic seems to be the most common designation, but you can also use “*” around them or quotes and “he/she thought." I find it disconcerting to be reading along and suddenly have to back track because I didn’t realize I was reading thoughts.


*Pencil* Setting: great setting; I love that you are using Alaska and tying in Russian characters. I always loved fireweed, and while we have some lupines here, it’s not the same variety.



*Pencil* atmosphere/ tone: strong


*Pencil* Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: none that I saw.



*Pencil* What I Liked: A lot! Judging by the prologue, I’m in for a good read!


Thank you for sharing your story. I’ll get started on the next chapter asap. Great job!!





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
3
3
Review of The Disappearance  Open in new Window.
Review by Magicmama Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! This is a review as of your Snail Mail auction package! After reading The Disappearance, I have the following comments to offer. Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently! Thank you for allowing me to share with you, and my hope is that I can be of help to you. Although this is part of the auction package, I am also with the "Showers of Joy" review grougl





Overall Impression: I want to give you some overall thoughts and impressions. If you would like for the rest of your package, I can go over it Chapter by Chapter with more special comments. The overall story is wonderful, and something that many young people today would like very much. Your reading level appears to be at about a middle school level, so you might consider looking at it with an eye to an upper elementary level—not by dumbing it down, but by explaining some things more. I believe in challenging our children’s reading, but doing it in such a way that they learn; you have good material for that here.

Initial hook: The passage set in the 1800’s is quite a hook. The problem is you jump straight into the present and it doesn’t cleanly connect. Nor is there any more to expand that hook. I finally figured out the connection, but I’m not sure a child could. We need more bridge to help us understand.
1) Expand the opening section, giving more information before going on with the story.
2) Possibly more of the backstory scattered throughout the piece. Brief paragraphs could explain bits of the backstory. If you italicized the hook and those bits of backstory, it would make them stand out and you could still maintain the mystery Em is trying to solve.
3) Expand the conversations between Nana and the faeries to slip in more about the backstory.
You might try bits of all of these, part of these, ore something completely different. No matter how you do it, my hope is to give you some thoughts to get your grey matter working.


Storyline: I think you have a great overall storyline. I’d like to see some embellishment and detail. You have three great storylines here. The relationship between Nana and her grands works well, and you use it to advantage to introduce historical ideas. Your history lesson is wonderful, but you might want to do some time line work to make sure you have details from Nana’s youth historically correct. I do that sometimes just to make sure I don’t get mixed up! I’m not saying that you are though, just a thought to keep the trickster storis in line. Someone nintysix today would have been a teen/young woman during WWII. Still, you want to keep it vague enough to not date it. It’s a fine line, but I think you are doing it..
The second storyline, that of Nana and Em and the fairies, is delightful, and you have worked in some nice foreshadowing. My question though, is why Em couldn’t see them when she was a tiny girl, before school perhaps that made her think they were make-believe.
The third storyline of the Trickster is quite scary in concept. Upper Elementary love scary (in a safe way—see goosebumps!) Play with that more! I want more!!!!


Characters: Love ‘em! Need more on Trickster!

Dialogue: Most of it is very believable. Some of Em’s language and vocal manner as written reminds me of the 10 year old in Spirited Away. If you haven’t seen that check it out. The story is set in Japan, but includes their version of fairies, or spirits if you will.


Suggestions: My suggestions are overall. It is easier to read if you either indent or double-space between paras. And yes, I know when you paste into the WDC port it scrunches everything together. I find it annoying, too. But it makes it easier to read if you go back and fix it.
Thoughts read as thoughts easier if you italicize them. You might try a special notation for the “fairy speak.” You could set off their conversations with *, or a different font.
To avoid a long list of paragraphs of just dialogue, you might add in more detail. Ex …she said, and picked up a tiny china fairy. It was the pink one, and had long been her favorite. A brief memory stirred in her mind, but disappeared before she could capture it. She continued speaking. “…


Setting: great setting



atmosphere/ tone: strong



Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: a few errors, nothing a good edit won’t pick up



What I Liked: A lot! The overall story, the characters, the history, the fresh use of the fay—neither Tinker Belle nor Queen Mab. There’s a lot to like here!



Thank you for sharing your story. Let me know if you want me to do a chapter by chapter edit for you to finish out your package.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
4
4
Review by Magicmama Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi!!! Thank you for sharing your story on the Newbie site! After reading Chapter 1 part 1, I have the following comments to offer. Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently! Thank you for allowing me to share with you, and my hope is that I can be of help to you.


Overall Impression: You seem to have a strong and solid story. I have the expectation of a multi-layered, complex story set in the midst of a space war, adventure.

Initial hook: Starting with a funeral draws the reader in, I wanted to find how what was happening.

Characters: I can see you have a good handle on your main characters. I would suggest that you create a character sheet for your four main so that you don’t have trouble keeping things straight. If there are a great many more characters, a list may even be helpful.


Dialogue: Your dialogue is very believable. Good job! However, a technical hint is that only one character speaks in a paragraph. It helps the reader keep up with who is speaking.


Suggestions: Again a technical issue; your paragraphs are a bit difficult to read. A more standard layout would help—at least double space between the paragraphs. I know this is a first draft, but it will help you to review sections if the paragraphs are more distinct. Show, don’t tell is a mantra we all live by. You have some good sections, some that need a little work. Hudson’s description could be done in a manner that will show more. However, your description of the funeral itself was believable. When Hudson gets to the bar, you again have some great sections, but it is very difficult to read at the moment. You might need to slow it down a little, make the description a little more active.


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: minor issues.



What I Liked: It seems like just the type of story I would read. You’ve got a great start! I really like the overall imagination of the tale. Wonderful ideas!
Thank you for sharing your story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
5
5
Review of Six Takes  Open in new Window.
Review by Magicmama Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi! This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group!” After reading Six Takes, I have the following comments to offer. Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently! Thank you for allowing me to share with you, and my hope is that I can be of help to you.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
*Bird* Overall Impression: This is a very modern style piece, with a kaleidoscope of images. You seem to be taking a style similar to Hemingway.

*Bird* Storyline: Feels to me like it meanders, but that is also the nature of the style. It seems to work with this piece. I think that it feels that way to me, because this is not a normal style for me to either read or write.
*Bird* Characters: Overall good characters.

*Bird* Dialogue: It seems to work, although I am not sure about not using quotes in this style of writing. Normally, one uses quotes, and do not have more than one person speaking in the same paragraph. I suspect for the style of writing you use, that you have the correct style. Still I would caution making sure that it is clear who is speaking. I had to read sections slowly to keep up, but it was clear when I did that. Someone else might feel differently.

*Bird* Setting: Works very well.

*Bird* atmosphere/ tone: appropriate for the piece.

*Bird* Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: minor issues.
Ex. Paul? I say. Yes? Yes, well listen, Paul. Are you doing something. Not that Im trying to be pushy or anything.
Paul? I say. Yes? Yes, well listen, Paul. Are you doing something(?) Not that (I’m) trying to be pushy or anything.

Sometimes in this style they use minimum punctuation. However, it needs to be consistent throughout the piece. Either way works with the style.

What I Liked: the main character’s persistence in seeing the movie. It reminds me of a friend I had about the same time period—he would drag me to the same movie over and over!

Thank you for sharing your story! Keep Writing!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
6
6
Review by Magicmama Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! This is a review from "Showering Acts of Joy Group " ! After reading Dr. Zhivago and the Cheesecake, I have the following comments to offer. Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently! Thank you for allowing me to share with you, and my hope is that I can be of help to you.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*SnowMan* Overall Impression: Very humorous! You caught the very nature of the cat!

*SnowMan* Initial hook: I love the way you explain Dr. Z’s name, and the hint that he is more like Spock is a great hook. I had to see how it played out.

*SnowMan*Storyline: Progresses very naturally, and is well paced. I can just see the blinking stare of Dr. Z. Each escapade draws the reader further into the story. Pacing is well done.

*SnowMan* Characters: Very well done. You can see frantic mom, the uninterested brother, and the little sister. The story reflects a strong voice with Cassandra, and she is very likable. The one thing I would change is how Cassandra introduces herself, that she is just Cassandra. I feel young people have so many issues, that we should not reinforce poor self-image in any way. This is a pet peeve of mine and not intended as criticism. It does show how Cassandra feels about herself.

*SnowMan* Dialogue: Natural and believable. Also, Cassandra’s inner dialogue is very well written, and I like its tongue in cheek nature.

*SnowMan* Setting: Works very well.

*SnowMan* atmosphere/ tone: Again, tongue in cheek.

*SnowMan* Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: While I understand you are writing from the viewpoint of a fourteen year old, there are a couple of grammar issues that I noticed. Correcting those will not delete from your Characterization of Cassandra.


“Nora, my baby sister, and me stared at each other.” I stared.
"What's wrong," I asked? “What’s wrong?” I asked.
“He grunted, and no one knew if that meant 'okay', or 'I'm not listening'.”
Although or but no one knew would read smoother. The punctuation goes inside the quotes.

What I Liked: Dr. Z without a doubt! What a lovable rascal! The whole thing is very funny, and I enjoyed it very much! You have some lovely alliterations in the piece, and very nice descriptions. Good job!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
7
7
Review of Summertime heat  Open in new Window.
Review by Magicmama Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This is a sweet story. I love the characters, and the way they interact. It feels very real and strong. However, I would have liked a little more information. Where does it take place? Is it in Florida or Texas? New York suburb? Is Jemma a girl? I suspect you had to keep it under 1000 words, but there are a couple of places you could have tightened it up a bit, to add a little more detail. You did a great job of working your required words in naturally. Your dialogue flows very naturally and smoothly. You did use my pet peeve: alright. Per Associated Press Handbook, it should be spelled as two words--all right. If you are spelling colloquially, I would add either an apostrophe or spell it with a "h" or "awl." Overall, though, it is a wonderful little piece, and one to be proud of.
8
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Review by Magicmama Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
You've done a great job using the prompt words and staying within the 300 words. The story flows well and rings true. I like the characters, especially Daisy. Mark seems like someone you want to dislike, but you gave him a good quality at the end. I especially like the title! I was a little lost by the mistress comment at first; then I realized you meant Bill Grayson. Your setting works well, and I saw no grammar or typing errors. Thanks for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of Flashes of Earth  Open in new Window.
Review by Magicmama Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
You've created an interesting piece. It is very clear that you have spent a lot of time putting this story together. I believe you have a solid plot, and the character of Jon Wexler has the potential of being well developed. However, all the time you spent with the thesaurus has actually hurt your story instead of helping it. While it is good to use a wide vocabulary, using so many words that are unfamiliar to most readers will turn them off, rather than attract them.

Still, I like that you spent time exploring Wexler's feelings, and explored using several of his senses. That shows that you do have good instincts in your writing. I can tell you worked very hard developing a sinister feel to your piece. There are many positives here, so keep on writing!
10
10
Review by Magicmama Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Your surprise ending made me laugh. It was such a sudden switch, and that really added to the humor of it. It is hard to balance that in a short piece; I applaud your success in keeping the tongue in cheek. The only thing that might improve it would be a stronger foreshadowing, but I honestly don't know how you would do it. Your concept is also something that will appeal to many people: who doesn't wish for animal abusers to get a just return? Good job!
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