\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bebog
Review Requests: OFF
35 Public Reviews Given
70 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by lochinver Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hello ChrisDaltro-Chasing Moonbeams Author Icon I found your story listed on “The Power to YOU Review Raid”
Please note that I am only trying to offer a reader’s perspective, as best as I can. You are free to ignore my opinions and suggestions but I hope they help! *Smile*
Here are my views:

*Jackolantern*Overall impression*Jackolantern*
This is a simple story; told in a rather simple, linear form. Honestly, I think it could become much more interesting if the plot was executed differently. There is a conflict here, but the way it is presently, it did not hold my attention till the end. A lot of emphasis is laid on Agnes rather than Temperance, even though I believe she was the more important character. You could generate a certain amount of curiosity as to why Temperance can’t cross over into her next life; that would help to keep things interesting till the end.
There was some really good imagery in the following part:
Agnes’ hands were warm but the room felt freezing cold; the air became icy, and still, as if time had stiffened.
Good job there! *BigSmile* I wish there was more of such imagery, it would create a better mood.

*Jackolantern*Tone and mood*Jackolantern*
I think the tone kept wavering from casual to spooky and serious, thus on the whole I wasn't left with any definite mood. I’ll give you a few examples where the tone was casual:
Agnes remembered her first ghost, many years ago
They like to make noises, and scare you, though
“Please, Temperance, before we start, tell me something I always wanted to know. What’s the spiritual world like?”
The last part especially seemed like it was forcefully put to let the reader know details about the spiritual world. I mean, if Agnes has dealt with ghosts before, shouldn’t she have already asked this question to some other ghost/spirit? I did like the details that followed though, they added to the spooky mood. I think you could keep them as part of the narrative.

*Jackolantern*Grammar and punctuation*Jackolantern*
*Pencil*Agnes jumped in her armchair!
Another loud sound in the room, right over her head!
She looked at Agnes who was smiling, and crying --- pointing at the light that was growing in brightness, and intensity in the corner of the room!
Despair! Helplessness!
The exclamations in all these places are not required.

*Pencil*‘our’
‘door’
Again, the inverted commas here are not required.

*Pencil*Answer these following questions.
Should be: Answer the following questions.

*Pencil*Her skin, looked so pale…
No comma after “skin”

*Pencil*….forgetting whom you are
This should be: ….forgetting who you are

*Pencil*She lit a thick, lovely white candle and the candlelight illuminated Agnes small, round face
Should be: ….Agnes’ …face.

*Pencil* “You were going to be my mother, a cavernous voice replied.
Should be: “You were going to be my mother”, a cavernous voice replied.

*Jackolantern*Some other suggestions*Jackolantern*
*Pencil*A tree softly brushed the window outside, its branches eerily scratching the glass.
…….to an eerie figure of a lovely woman.
I’d cut the “eerie” in both the sentences, since the sentences themselves do build up the “eerie” image you’re trying to build.

*Pencil*Her smile, overflowing with frustration.
This sounds wrong. My suggestion:
Her smile overflowed with frustration.

*Pencil*Agnes could see right through her; a misty human figure, trans lucid; marvelous, bluish purple, and white, amazing.
The “amazing” at the end sounds like it was put there for lack of a better word. I’d suggest removing it.

*Pencil*“That’s so … lovely, Temperance,” and continued, “Were you afraid of dying?”
Here, I don’t think “and continued” is needed. You could simply write it as one continuous dialogue.

*Pencil*A wonderful feeling of peace and bliss, and a past memory of the peace felt inside the womb overtook Temperance.
I really liked the analogy with the peace felt inside the womb in the latter half of the sentence. I’d suggest doing away with the first part of the sentence for better effect of the analogy.

*Pencil*Wham! Oh such pain! ...
I think this part should’ve been a new paragraph. I got a little confused as to what was happening there.

That's all! Thank you so much for sharing this. I hope you'll edit this soon. I'd love to read the edited version

Write on! *Pencil*
Lochinver

Image Protector
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Open in new Window. (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of Five Minutes  Open in new Window.
Review by lochinver Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello BIG BAD WOLF is Howling Author Icon I found your story on the Power Reviewers’ “Review Me list”
Please note that I am only trying to offer a reader’s perspective, as best as I can. You are, of course, free to ignore my opinions and suggestions but I hope they help! *Smile*

Here are my views:

Overall impression
The last five minutes of a person’s life can be an interesting premise. I think your story had the novelty factor, but there were a few things missing, which could’ve definitely made a bigger impact on me, as a reader. The story has a logical flow, it doesn’t sag anywhere. In fact, it seems just a little rushed, and I felt it should’ve been a little longer.
I really liked this simile you used:
As high as a kite
All in all, it was a good read; only it felt a little incomplete.

Grammar
Although the grammar and punctuation were perfect, here are a few corrections I’ve made in red:
*Pencil* I didn’t bother wasting time- I charged at him

*Pencil* “Very well. Your five minutes was up anyway.”

*Pencil*“See you in the next life.”

A few suggestions
*Pencil*In the beginning I mentioned lack of a few things. Description would definitely be one. For example here:
I lifted my head to look at the person who had talked to me, and put my good hand on the hole in my chest.
You could write more about the excruciating pain he might be in, blood gushing out, his agony, distress, fear etc. But the way you write it sounds way too casual.
Also, you have a lot of scope to describe “Death” as you would imagine the character to be, but you provide no description at all.
Basically, you could give the reader more details to imagine your characters and surroundings in the story the way you do in your head.

*Pencil*Another issue I think was the use of too much passive voice. Passive voice kind of distances the reader from the action, and thus, the story. A few instances of passive voice in your story are here:
That was when I saw the figure in the black robe,
It was when I was serving in Iraq and the humvee I was taking a ride in had triggered an IED
After I was discharged from the hospital, I was given a medical discharge
 Dealing with the Passive Voice? Open in new Window. (E)
Passive Verbs haunted my writing. I now possess the answer to curing this Black Death.
#1758458 by Rixfarmgirl Author IconMail Icon

I found this link pretty helpful, hope it helps you too!

*Pencil*I did not know what IED was, but I found its meaning. However, not all readers might want to do that, as they regard books and stories as sources to learn more from, and they’d like their authors to give them the information, not Google it. Thus, I think you should mention the full form in the story. You could even tell the reader what it exactly is, briefly, of course.

*Pencil*My former coworker turned and saw me, his face in a state of shock.
“Impossible,” he said, as he turned towards me again, his face full of fear.
In both these instances you use almost the same expressions to describe the co-worker’s feelings. Maybe you could change that to avoid repetition.

*Pencil*In the climax, you can add a lot of drama, to make a better impact. You know, like having your hero stutter, the boss at a loss of words, the bittersweet feelings he experiences, his happiness at being saved himself, but grief losing a dear employee. All these things would heighten the drama element and help the reader connect with the scene and actually feel it.

*Pencil*“No, but my son did during the first Gulf War…... I accepted it in his stead.”
“Coffee and water is all I’ve got at the moment.”
The above parts of dialogue seem too inappropriate in those moments; the first one is too casual and rather long, given the circumstances. The second one is casual again. Since this the end of your story, you could revise the dialogue in this part to have a long-lasting impression on the reader. I do like the part about his writing a last note to his wife and kids, though.

That's all! Thank you so much for sharing this. I hope you'll edit it soon. I'd love to read the edited version! *BigSmile*

Write on! *Pencil*
Lochinver

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review of A MANLY THING?  Open in new Window.
Review by lochinver Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello DRSmith Author Icon*Smile* I found your poem while looking for a random read.
Please note that I am only trying to offer a reader’s perspective and you are free to ignore my opinions and suggestions, but I hope they help!*BigSmile*

Here are my views:

This is one funny poem! I think the flow of thoughts was brilliant, as you narrated the story without wasting a line or straying from the plot. Also, I loved how you rhymed the poem almost effortlessly. I find that to be one of the most difficult parts of a poem.

There’s just one place which I’d like to point out to you:
But truly has my int’rest piqued.
The rest of your poem is narrated in the past tense, and here you switch to present. It should be:
But truly had my int’rest piqued.

Also, I'd suggest a slight change in this sentence:
She lifted her skirt and dropped her drawers.

That's all! Thank you so much for sharing this. I really enjoyed reading it *Smile*

Write on!*Pencil*
Lochinver

*Snow5**Snow5**Snow5*This review is a part of "Over the Rainbow POWER Raid!" Open in new Window.*Snow5**Snow5**Snow5*

Image Protector
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Open in new Window. (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
4
4
Review of The Final Breath  Open in new Window.
Review by lochinver Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello evilroad Author Icon *Smile* I found your poem while looking for a random read.
Please note that I am only trying to offer a reader’s perspective and you are free to ignore my opinions and suggestions, but I hope they help!*Smile*
Here are my views:

*Bird*Overall impression*Bird*
Death is a subject that has long since fascinated writers, especially poets. No one knows what the final breath feels like, but you paint a great picture with your words. The poem is lit with fantastic visuals; the use of imagery is great. I loved the last stanza, where you give a brilliant description of what happened to the man after his death. Great job*BigSmile*

There was a line, the meaning of which I didn’t understand:
nothing can last as long as it should.

One of my favorite lines from the poem is this:
Purpose now turns its youthful back upon me

Although I couldn’t guess the purpose of the format of your first stanza, it wasn’t distracting either.

*Bird*A suggestion*Bird*
*Pencil*As darkness begins to shroud both my eyes and my mind,
I’d write this as, As darkness begins to shroud my eyes and mind,
I think it flows better that way.

That's all! Thank you for sharing this. It was a very good read*Smile*

Write on!
Lochinver


*Snow5**Snow5**Snow5*This review is a part of "Over the Rainbow POWER Raid!" Open in new Window.*Snow5**Snow5**Snow5*

Image Protector
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Open in new Window. (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
5
5
Review of Lost  Open in new Window.
Review by lochinver Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hello Pessimistic Author Icon *Smile* I found your poem while looking for a random read.
Please note that I am only trying to offer a reader’s perspective and you are free to ignore my opinions and suggestions, but I hope they help!*BigSmile*
Here are my views:

*DoorGr*Initial impressions*DoorGr*
The sorrow of losing a beloved one is the theme of your poem. Though it is evident through the poem that the grief is beyond repair, you didn’t quite make me feel the same grief. This could be because your thoughts are rather scattered and thus lose meaning. Also, there was a lot of repetition of ideas, which reduces their impact. For example:
Down I fall
I feel nothing at all,

Deeper and deeper I fall
Through these heart breaking memories I crawl.
Away I fall into the dark

The last stanza was touching, and a fitting end to the poem. Good job there! *Smile*

*DoorGr*Suggestions*DoorGr*
*Pencil*my heart has been shredded by a serrated knife,
You could remove the word “serrated” as it affects the rhyme.

*Pencil*Down I fall
I feel nothing at all,
I’d write this as:
Down I fall,
Feeling nothing at all

*Pencil*There were a few lines which I felt could be edited completely, as they only elongated the poem, thus reducing its emotional impact on the reader. Here they are:
I am broken without you
I long to be with you
Away I fall into the dark
on a journey of misery I embark.
Hell hath no fury and cannot compare to the pain I feel
My life is empty and nothing seems real.
I have lost all virtue
and sense of happiness without you.
That's just my opinion, of course!

*Pencil*How can one thing so small mean so much?
and blow my mind with just a simple touch?
These lines made me feel as though you think of love as a very small and unimportant thing. They sort of contradict the rest of the poem. I think I’d do away with them!

*DoorGr*A couple of punctuation errors you’d like to fix*DoorGr*
*Pencil*and you are gone too.

*Pencil*deep eyes

Thank you for sharing this. I enjoyed reading it, and would love to read the edited version*Smile*
Write on!
Lochinver




*Snow5**Snow5**Snow5*This review is a part of "Over the Rainbow POWER Raid!" Open in new Window.*Snow5**Snow5**Snow5*

Image Protector
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Open in new Window. (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
6
6
Review of The Way We Are  Open in new Window.
Review by lochinver Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello D.L. Robinson Author Icon *Smile* I found your story while looking for a random read.
Please note that I am only trying to offer a reader’s perspective and you are free to ignore my opinions and suggestions, but I hope they help!*Smile*

Here are my views:

*BurstV*Overall impression*BurstV*
The title and description of the story are interesting. The opening sentence, "I guess getting married is kind of like being planted", was good too, except that it hasn’t been explained. You do use the analogy of a tree through the piece, but I was waiting for some kind of punch line to follow the opening line.
There were a few sentences that were very, very well-written and highly original. Great job there*BigSmile*
Here they are:
There will be no more shade from the sun, no shelter from the rain, no reaching branches to cradle birdsongs in the spring.
“Come on in, I’ll put on some coffee,” I garbled in yawn-ese.
Around 11:30 his expressive brown eyes took on a life of their own changing into magnetic pools that drew me in deeper and deeper.
All in all, you left me with some memorable sentences, but the story could be made more memorable.

*BurstV*Story and characters*BurstV*
The characters seem interesting but I'd liked to have seen more of them. The love story was well-narrated. But in some places I wish you’d shown more and not simply 'told' about it. For example here:
He consistently got my jokes and matched my odd sense of humor point for point.
I would have loved to see some witty lines there; it would make the characters a lot more memorable.

*BurstV*Tone and mood*BurstV*
The tone at the start of the piece is sort of pessimistic, and I wasn’t sure whether you were supporting marriages or no. This is mainly because of the mention about the negatives of marriage and also statements like, “I think it was as sound a position to have as any when you consider the divorce rate was right around fifty percent.” Also, because you mention a lot of “bugs” that can bite you, and most of those examples are not very “good bugs” themselves.
The change of tone was a problem because then, on the whole, the story doesn’t leave you with a strong mood. Thus, I’d suggest you tone down the negatives a little.
The last two paragraphs are amazing, where you describe the novelty of a relationship and the ups and downs it faces. Here you have an optimistic tone.
The last sentence is great and provides a fitting end.*BigSmile*

*BurstV*A few changes you’d like to make*BurstV*
There were just a few places where you seem to have overlooked the grammar and punctuation. I’ve made the edits in red:
*Pencil*As we had (cancel one "had") agreed he would.

*Pencil*Who actually gets somewhere on time on a holiday morning?

*Pencil* “I know we’re supposed to be working on the garage but it’s a Holiday and it’s pretty warm outside. Why don’t we go down to the lake for a swim!"

*BurstV*A suggestion!*BurstV*
*Pencil*I never planted a tree but then I never dug up one either. At the age of twenty-nine I’d never been married, but I’d never been divorced either.
These lines didn’t add too much to the story, and since they’re right at the beginning, the reader may lose interest. Thus, I’d suggest you edit them completely or replace them with something that hooks the reader. That is just my opinion, of course!

That’s all! Thank you so much for sharing this. I enjoyed reading it, and I’d love to read the edited version*Smile*

Write on!*Pencil*
Lochinver

*Snow5**Snow5**Snow5*This review is a part of "Over the Rainbow POWER Raid!" Open in new Window.*Snow5**Snow5**Snow5*

Image Protector
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Open in new Window. (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
7
7
Review of Knock Knock  Open in new Window.
Review by lochinver Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Angus Author Icon *Smile* I found your poem while looking for a random read.
Please note that I am only trying to offer a reader’s perspective and you are free to ignore my opinions and suggestions, but I hope they help!*Smile*
Here are my views:

*Jackolantern*Overall impression*Jackolantern*
This is a sweet little story. The storytelling style is new and refreshing. However, in the process you seem to have left out a lot of details and description. Even with this kind of a narrative I think you could add a little more description. For example here:
Here, let me move those for you.
You could say, “Here, let me move those blankets/clothes/papers for you”
Okay, maybe those were not very good replacements, but you get the picture.
I liked the hypnotic effect you try to create at the end, very original!
All in all, I think if you add a little more description about Seumas, and a few more details; you will probably have the spooky effect you set out to create. Right now, it seems you have the basic outline in place with a lot of filling to do.

*Jackolantern*Grammar and Punctuation*Jackolantern*
There are a few changes I’ve made in red:
*Pencil*Luther doesn't like him at all.

*Pencil*I wonder how long that's been there...

*Jackolantern*A couple of suggestions*Jackolantern*
*Pencil*What the?
I get what you’re trying to say here, but maybe this should be, “What the…?”

*Pencil*Angus?
Shh. Not now.
Here, it’s a little unclear as to who’s talking to whom. Maybe you should make it,
“Angus?”
“Shhh. Not now, Seumas”

That's all! Thank you for sharing this. I enjoyed it and would love to read the edited version*BigSmile*

Write on!*Pencil*
Lochinver
*Snow5**Snow5**Snow5*This review is a part of Winter Wonderland Port Raid Extravaganza!*Snow5**Snow5**Snow5*

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.
8
8
Review by lochinver Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Angus *Smile* I found your story while looking for a random read.
Please note that I am a fellow writer and offer my perspective as a reader, as best as I can. You are free to ignore my opinions and suggestions, but I hope they help!*Smile*
Here are my views:

*NoteB*Overall impression*NoteB*
The title and description of your story drew me in. You start off very well, piquing the reader’s curiosity and enticing him to read further. But the opening sentence “Last year I took what was probably the most memorable vacation I’ve ever had” indicates that you’re back from the vacation. You could add a line saying you’re still stuck there.
The mood of the story for most part was mysterious, and indicated something more to come, and thus had me hooked. The length was also perfect; and the pace, quick enough not to lose the reader’s interest. I loved the ending, where you leave it to the reader’s imagination as to what happened. I think the one thing the story lacked has to be imagery. Perhaps a little more of imagery and showing, and not telling, would definitely make the story shine!

*NoteB*Grammar*NoteB*
*Pencil*A good part of showing is using a lot of active voice. Your story was riddled with passive voice, which sort of distances the reader from the action, and thus the story. Here are a few instances of passive voice in the story:
Luck was finally shining down
I packed up my bags and was on a small twin engine plane
I was still having my doubts
I was always filling out my name
I suggest you check out this link on passive voice. It helped me a lot.
 Dealing with the Passive Voice? Open in new Window. (E)
Passive Verbs haunted my writing. I now possess the answer to curing this Black Death.
#1758458 by Rixfarmgirl Author IconMail Icon


*Pencil*There was maybe thirty of us on that plane
Should be “there were maybe 30 of us”

*Pencil*there seems to be fewer and fewer
Should be “there seem to be...”

*Pencil*I'm going to lay down.
Should be “I’m going to lie down”

*NoteB*Suggestion*NoteB*
“You’re doing your country a great service…It was all taken care of.”
“The funny thing is that some of us believe this line of crock. ….. on the days we’re allowed out for our one hour of exercise.”
The change of tense between these two paragraphs is sudden and abrupt. You could add a partition between the two.

That’s all! Thank you so much for sharing this. I enjoyed reading it and would love to read the edited version*Smile*
Write on!
Lochinver

*Snow5**Snow5**Snow5*This review is a part of Winter Wonderland Port Raid Extravaganza!*Snow5**Snow5**Snow5*

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.
9
9
Review of I WILL BE STRONG  Open in new Window.
Review by lochinver Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello fancyfati *Smile* I found your poem on the WDC Power reviewer’s Review Me List.
Please note that I am only trying to offer a reader’s perspective and you are free to ignore my opinions and suggestions, but I hope they help!*Smile*
Here are my views:

*MugV*Overall impression*MugV*
The title of your poem is very optimistic. However, the poem itself isn't. In one of the lines you say “I know better than to curse life” but sadly that’s just what you do throughout the poem. Please don’t get me wrong.

One can understand through the poem that there must be a lot of resentment in there, but it never quite comes across. This is because you use a lot of vague terms to describe life’s pain, like “normal headache”, “horrendously horrific”, etc. but then most people's life is full of these things. There is a certain indication that there may be a health problem, but again lack of details, imagery and more versatile vocabulary doesn’t let the poem grow on you at all. You never get the reader to actually sympathize with you at any point. Only the last stanza offers a firm resolve and hope.

There were a few lines that did not make sense to me. I suggest you revise and edit them.

Is bitter wid in
beacuse it’s just a slice of my lowlife
For the future have good wishes and happenings
And it awaits my pleasure
There will be lots of questionings
But it all shall be at my leisure
Everything looks like it’s against me
For life may truly be

*MugV*A few grammatical errors*MugV*
*Pencil*Is bitter wid in
Correct: within

*Pencil*It’s all going to be a past
Correct: in the past

*Pencil*For the future have good wishes and happenings
Correct: has good wishes

That’s all! Thank you for sharing this. I’d love to read the edited version*Smile*

Write on!
Lochinver
10
10
Review by lochinver Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Xlych*Smile* I found your story while looking for a random read.
Please note that I am only trying to offer a reader’s perspective and you are free to ignore my opinions and suggestions, but I hope they help! *Smile*
Here are my views:

*NoteV*Title and Plot:*NoteV*
I found the title and the initial description very interesting. The story was innovative too, a girl wanting to be a cat; and not just a so-called better version of herself. The plot moves true to the story line, and is pretty engaging. The beginning is intriguing and I couldn't wait to read further.
There were a few places where I felt the plot slackened and could do with some editing. For example this part-- It was not just politeness that caused him to say this. He was too short to reach the woman's face while she was standing.
We already know that the magician is short, so this seems a little unnecessary. The part about the magician’s mother was also a little long, and could probably be removed completely.

*NoteV*Characterization:*NoteV*
The central characters, the magician and the girl, are both portrayed believably. Details about their physical appearance, the magician’s shyness on seeing the girl without clothes, his refusal to lie, the reason why she wants to be a cat, all lend a very realistic touch to the characters and makes them memorable. I also liked how you explain that everyone wants the magician to do something grand to make them believe that he’s actually doing some magic. It steers away from the conventional belief about magic, and is refreshing. Great job! *Smile*

*NoteV*Tone, mood and imagery:*NoteV*
The tone isn’t very preachy, and goes with the narrative. Though not outright, the story sends out a sweet message in a subtle way. The story involves magic, and in the beginning itself you set the mood perfectly. I also liked the imagery throughout the story.

*NoteV*Punctuation:*NoteV*
Though the punctuation was accurate throughout, it seems these two places were overlooked:
*Pencil*"Would you show us the door to the alley, please?"
*Pencil*"What's this? A book of spells?"

*NoteV*A few changes you’d like to make:*NoteV*
*Pencil*Right after I tell him's when I wanted you to turn him into a donkey.
This should be-- Right after I tell him, is when I wanted you to turn him into a donkey.

*Pencil*"As long you're certain that's what you want."
There is an “as” missing after the word “long”.

*Pencil*Also, I found it weird that the first time the police visit Wilfort they don’t ask him why Irene visited him. This only struck me after reading the story for the second time though.*BigSmile* Perhaps you could add a line or two there.

Thank you for sharing this. I enjoyed reading it, and would love reading the edited version*Smile*
Write on!


*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Cupcakey**Gifto**Partyhatr*
*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey* WDC POWER REVIEWERS *Cupcakey**Gifto**Partyhatr*
*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Cupcakey**Gifto**Partyhatr*

Image Protector
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Open in new Window. (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
11
11
Review of Mariposa  Open in new Window.
Review by lochinver Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi! Here are my views of your story…
What I liked:You have a brilliant way with words.The way you describe Marilyn's depression conveys what she is going through...The flow of the story is smooth enough to keep your reader going and the end leaves the reader satisfied.
What I didn’t like:Marilyn's grudging against God seems over-the-top.You could probably work on that and make the reader an active participant in this fight having an opinion and not merely a spectator
Other comments:"Depression was a vacuum sucking the joy out of anything that once stirred her soul."...This line clearly displays your brilliance with words!
Thanks for sharing …Write on!
12
12
Review by lochinver Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
An interesting essay ,it portrays the relationship of the child with his mother.Being from a celebrity family comes with its own set of pressures and this is well-illustrated in the piece.I particularly like the way you 'show" and not simply 'tell' the reader about what the child is facing.The reader can also feel the proximity and special bond between the mother and the child,the fact that despite all his mother's detractors, she is still his star and idol. Only the end seemed a bit haphazard,the piece could have been ended more impactfully.
Thats all.I truly enjoyed reading and reviewing the piece.Keep writing!!
13
13
Review by lochinver Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
A delightful piece this,clearly illustrates the writer's love for such leisurely days .More importantly it arouses the reader's interest with some brilliantly written lines and interesting observations...However if the description part could have been edited a little more it would have maintained the crispness of the piece.A very good attempt though.
14
14
Review of Newbie Again  Open in new Window.
Review by lochinver Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
An interesting poem this, it expresses precisely the anxiety and nervousness we go through ,standing on the threshold of yet another academic year....However some lines do seem unnecessary and take away from the crispness of the poem,though I understand that it was done to maintain the rhyme scheme.......A great attempt though!
15
15
Review by lochinver Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)


A daughter's distress expressed in the most touching way........the mother unknowing of her disease,unable to fathom the reason for her daughter's woes ,unable to comfort her in any way........the story instantly strikes a cord with the reader....!!!!!!!!!
15 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bebog