Please consider changing: "my performance falling way below what I'm capable of, and for the first time in my working life, not caring", (dropped instead of falling).
Then consider following up after "not caring" by writing a reason. Not caring because how much I love(d) you or because all I think about is you. See, here is a great opportunity of allowing the user the feel connected, but the reader needs something positive to relate too, even a subtle phrase would work. Good job, but bring clarity to areas to end like the first example I've provided. Keep up the good work.
Nicely written story with a few grammar errors and either I’m right about some misspelled words or this is intended slang? Interesting, hold’s readers attention.
The old rust-splotched truck rattled down the lane toward a wrought iron gate. [Nice visual opening, but would you consider using "wreaked" instead of wrought?]
of dat [spelling, did you mean “that” instead of ‘dat’?] big house back in 2005 in Jersey.
We’ll deliver dat [second occurrence of ‘dat’, is this a new word or just duplicate error?] to an address in up-state late tomorrow.”
Clew began packing up the living room belongings including theater stereo surround sound systems, wet bar, stools, and other high end [recommend using hyphen for adjective high-end] peripherals.
“This stuff will fetch a fortune at the auction house,” Zane blurted out as he made the last of ten [numbers above nine are better expressed in digits, when not first word of sentence]
“Take some more of those boxes I taped up out, [no need for comma after out]
one of dees [capitalized names, Dees] houses apart, and sold it off. Mmmm… see I tol [told?] ya she made the best.”
I enjoyed your story very much as it sounds like a real-life expereince for you. My comments are suggestions in the realm of grammar and I hope you will consider them. Thank you and keep those stories flowing.
Tom Mitchell moved next door to Sarah Nicholson when they were both six years old. That was ten [Express numbers higher than nine in digits (when not the first word in the sentence)] years ago. Sarah could just make out his white peeling house from her front yard. In upstate New York, next door was generally more than a stone's throw away. She could just about reach it with a stone if she really tried, which she did from time to time. Her father said she had a better throwing arm than most boys her age.
Back then, it wasn't [Better to not us contractions--write it out] an unusual occurrence for her to torture boys verbally and sometimes physically. She realized later that she was probably just a bit jealous that they were able to [Wordiness: this phrase can be simplified to one word--"could"] play sports and fill Tonka trucks with dirt without getting comments that they should be playing with dolls instead.
She thought Tom was nicer than most boys she met. That is, he didn't [again, contractions –better to write it out (last point out] give her a hard time every time she played in the mud or picked up a baseball bat. He didn't seem to care that she had scraped knees and long, brown hair, which was tousled more often than not So she refrained from torturing him like she did [Grammar "like" is used in a comparison before a phrase; "as" is used before a clause--torturing him as she did] the others.
Outstanding shape and spacing as if it were alive. I loved the form. A few comments.
“It-
was a walk,”
I recommend you remove the dash and use dashes only for occasions to set off material that deserves special emphasis. That dash distracted me early into the writing.
Run on sentence: As a cat rubbed against my leg,
it was inescapable
but to lean over and utterly dreadful to touch it.
Recommend: As a cat rubbed against my leg,
it was inescapable (insert) --
(remove) but to lean over and(end remove) utterly dreadful to touch it.
As a cat rubbed against my leg,
it was inescapable--utterly dreadful to touch it.
This dash in this case gives the sentence more power and removes any hit of a run on sentence.
You’ve done a great job and thanks for sharing.
Beas
Oh, I'll try to be some help. I've not written for quite some time. First, love the opening stanza.
---
"I can't catch my breath
(gasp, gasp)
Please somebody help me
I can't get out
Somebody free me
can't they here my shouts?"
---
Change "here" to hear
---
"I'm having trouble trading carbon dioxide
for oxygen.
please don't hide
come on in.
My confusion may subside.
Can you be my freind?"
---
The above stanza is very interesting but I would rather you lead the reader toward a different outcome than you do. My concept that your giving is, "the grass is greener on the other side", or "since I'm drowning--your coming with me. So, I would recommend writing the rest with a sense of compassion and intervention, EVEN if the outcome is fatal. That's up to you. Pretty good job.
Ann,
Interesting writing, short and to the point. I like the metaphors used and descriptive language as well. These always make a story easily understood and imaginable. Maybe this one really occurred, maybe not, but it's the write that makes one believe it. Very well written
I wish the world could lie on this beautiful beach:
How about inserting “my, his, her, and their” world…
I think to make is more personal is better and after
All how can the world lie on a beach, although I understand your intention.
Also check spelling on two words, honor and color.
I do like very much how you have illustrated a peaceful setting, such as a lovely beach and parallel it to what the would should or could be, very lovely.
Hello Ann,
I often write in the same manner-after observation of something in real life, which I believe is what you have done so well at with "The Seagulls Cry". I have a similar poetry item called, "The Fisherman's Hook".
About the time you begin talking about the 5 year old boy and his thoughts are father will rescue me it gets a little too much, at least for me. I would recommend toning down the dramatic, descriptions at that point.
Hello,
I like your poem but the bitterness comes through too strong. I feel a sense of personal gaudiness and bitterness from the poem, so I would recommend refining it to no be so personal or at least not to “push” emotions of your own onto another. she became shocked at first appearance.
Strict control is a ban on my soul.
In order to be free I must soar, fly and be free
What’s it mean, living life in a goldfish bowl?
Well, you may not see my tears or see them magnified.
You want me to be serious, haughty, and hate again!
You’re so serious and I laugh drunk without wine, so fine.
My appearance may be fat, like a Michael of more.
I am a sheep in following a Shepard ashore.
Ann,
I really like what you've done here. You have created artwork and poetry. Its beautiful just to look at or frame behind some background. Have you thought about putting a background to the poem and framing it. Maybe you could sell this poem too. I love this line
Show strength and with the meek
stop the world's sinful streak
and the power of the writing and honor it brings to God. Are your a Christian?
Love can be what you want love to be
Come around love, engulf and surround me
Love is emotion
Love is sensitive
Love is anxiety
Love is to prevail
Do you have anything to add?
that may contribute to love?
Loving eyes
Loving skys
Fractious ways
You’ve got a nice stanza set of three but one really, really, needs to almost meditate in order to understand where your going in the first stanza—but what a minute, your using italics which could be a hint or sign. I’ve included a few suggestions into the puzzle poem that remains on the dark side, at least as far as I can understand it.
The melody played in his head forever.
His sad, darkened thoughts could not know surcease.
He felt a chill and began his endeavor,
Lighting a pyre to burn up his niece.
Brittle and dry, the leaves of Autumn burnt strong. (autumn does not need Caps here)
Confusion reigned as the young body flamed.
Uncertain, he was, as this action felt wrong,
But in the end he would never be blamed.
The disease claimed her, like her parents before.
She wasted away, her life incomplete.
He stood all alone, as he watched the flames soar,
And then he jumped in, admitting defeat.
Ann, Please consider my comments on your poem.
Ben
Fire! Fire! Fire!
The engine rushes to the scene (recommend using, “fire trucks rush”, be direct.
but still the children are brought out dead. (why is it but still…children …dead?)
The Devil's fire sticks are what my father called cigarettes. (how does a fire compare with cigarettes?)
I've learnt that he was right for now my charred lungs (learned, eliminate “that” and “now”)
remind me, with cough and wheeze and blood stained spittle, (recommend cough, wheeze, and blood…) – a list.
I stand in the garden, held back by neighbours as my house burns. (correct misspelling – neighbors)
The matches left on the coffee table must have tempted them. (who is them, better to specify or identify)
I only left them for two minutes to catch the post, (eliminate “only”)
I'd written to tell my mother the doctor says (I’ve…instead of I’d to keep the tense correct)
I have three months.
Now I've killed my babies and the fires of Hell await me!
The poem as a whole seems a bit lacking in organization, sorry to have to say so but you really need to put a little more effort into tense shift in and make some stanzas.
Hello,
Your Mr. Example for the use of graphics, colors, and hyperlinks to “key portfolios,” as well as information that is useful to us all. Thank you. However, that being said I do have a few suggestions on this writing for you to please consider. Verb agreement for “each's members…” Just, “each member” corrects the verb tense to agree with members and you’ll find this error twice. Other than that, I kept your enriched information as a source to my own growth in writing.com. Thank you for the information and GPs.
Ben
Jimmy,
Another well written story with a challange attached to it. Hmmm, to guess the secret. I'm guessing at the clues, are in italics, and comments about the nose, scent, eyes, and the return of the Command. All I can imagine is the Sentry is a dog.
"The Sentry" did you mean to Cap..in the middle of a sentence?
Jimmy,
Another well written piece. Your an expert! I do have a few suggestions. "I fear it is only we in all the world." Instead of, all the world, maybe better to use, "the entire world" as your referring to a single item, "world". "Then came the roar, the tremors."
This sentence appears to be passive, but then again that is ok, if your emphasis is on roar over tremors, although I would recommend using, Then the roars and tremors came to elinimate any verb confusion.
Hello Angelac,
What we have here is a classis short story enriched with imagery and dialogue. Very well written and I'd say it gives the reader a sense of completness. I would what your verb tenses to ensure they do agree, but keep up the good work.
Ben
K.S. Reetz,
I'm not sure if "pretend insects" works very well, try replacing pretend with some more visual to the reader.
Now the 2nd stanza has a tense disagreement with the 1st stanza.
This line doesn’t work so much for me and did you mean braless hook?
stuck on hat and vest with barbless hook.
The last stanza is my favorite, but you still need to clarify it a little more. Like:
The cool morning mist is houvering
just above the creek in a slow dance.
Houvering just above the surface creek and
obeying the rhythm of the water's symphony.
Anna,
I've given you write some suggestions, adding rhyme and rhyme but not taking away from your powerful write. Those in () I recommend removing, [] I recommended to add. Your doing well keep it up and try to added a beat to your stanzas--this part I did not address, however you off to a really good start.
Ben
You killed Christ, he said
I was eight years old.
I was sure I hadn't.
Sometimes when winter comes early
you can write your name [backwards] on car windows
(Backwards) so (passers-by) [passersby's] can read it
In a Nazi children's book
with colorful illustrations [--]They called me
a poisonous mushroom that must be [fumigated] (removed)
In order to save humanity--Can you please explain?
Counting [from six million] back (from six million) to zero
[can resemble (is like) a ["]ring-around-the-rosy
[Ashes, ashes, we all fall down"]
[Are you (get) dizzy or do you] (and) fall down[?]
[Ashes, ashes-- why do we all fall down?]
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