I like the use of magic and the mention of "elementals and fiends" with is probably foreshadowing potential villains.
I don't like the way you left the details about this scroll so vague. So far its a pretty shallow mcguffin but I guess it serves its purpose.
Still loving the three main characters and appreciate that none of them are human (humans are usually the protagonists of fantasy stories and its rather boring in my opinion).
Tone and overall Impressions
You set the inital tone with the "Murder of crows", creating an eerie unkept world. This is effective and impactful. Then you move on to the old man and really cement the setting as an old western story with his appearence, only having one good eye completing the "old grumpy prospector" stereotype. This proves to be a major strength of this first chapter. Yes there are a number of stereotypes that are usually connected to western stories and here you are using one to your advantage by taking this stereotype and building on top of it.
Then theres the appearence of the Threader Jension, who assumes the role of a mentor to Deal (albert briefly) and passes the mantle of "Threader" onto Deal. The dynamic between the two, which is oddly reminicent of a mentor and a pupil, shines as another major strength of the piece.
Characters
Deal- The protagonist of the story. Starts off as an old prospector type. Then you take a twist on is character by making him much much younger. As of yet, I feel as if he has been under utilised.
Jension- Deals predecessor and mentor. He was easily the most fun character, just because he felt almost like Gandelf. For the record, the mystery around him was perfectly exceptable considering wow early in the story this is. However some of his diologue does still feel very clunky and cliche ("we're all doomed" being a key example).
Conclusion
A fair start to what seems to be a fun story. I'll be reading on whenever time allows.
This was fun, though it would have neen more fun as an interactive story, that what you would enable readers to really experience what it's like to be a demon. On top of that it would mean success isn't a forgone conclusion with is an annoying part of the story these questions hint at.
You realise being aware of the fact that you're ranting doesn't excuse the what you did right?
Secondly, you had to tick very teen sterotype didn't you. In two paragraphs you defined your main character by how popular he is and reduced him to a sexuality (understand that I'm not saying being gay is bad or undermining people brave enough to come out). Believe it or not people are more than their sexual orientation, you shouldn't be labeling people like that and if you want to introduce you main character as gay there are less 'on-the-nose' ways of doing so.
In the end I feel like the biggest weakness you have is that you tell us expositional points that could have been shown to us. If you want to introduce a character as unpopular than show us a scene of him getting picked on or (better yet) don't say anything on the matter, let him start off shy and awkard and leave it to the reader to pick up the memo.
As for how to establish he's gay. Well then he's going to have to do something gay, check out a guys ass or have a crush...who happens to be a guy.
Theres a very interesting story you could tell about this character coming to terms with who he is and you ruin all that potential the second he came out to the reader.
This is assuming you want the story to be about the fact that he's gay. Though even then that well is going dry -fast. So it could be worth playing with ideas that mix things up. Make it less about a character being gay in this new school and more about him drawing on his experience to help others.
And finally...don't write a fanfiction...please just make up your own stuff. If your work is loosely based off of something else then it doesn't count as fanfiction. If not, then (in my opinion) you should have a good think about what you're writing and then write something that isn't a fanfiction (I hate fanfictions).
These are my opinions, in case you couldn't tell. I'm not a professional so take them with a grain of salt. And I'm sorry if any of this affended you but I can't (in good coniscous) ignore this.
Cool, I wrote one of these (for the same emotion and everyting) just recently and I can't help but compare the two, so humour me while I try to keep this objective.
Your Strengths: It seems that your piece excels in that it uses the emotion as the basis of a short story, its a single scene from a wider narrative as oppose to a single beat (for those who don't know beats are small events, decisions or movements that make up a scene). Because of this a reader gets a much deeper sense of the characters in this piece than my own. As a result your work makes the reader feel more for your work as they know the characters more. Alternatively one could argue that keeping the identites of the characters unknown means a potential reader can put themselves in that position and thus, emphasis more.
My Strengths: Based on what I've read I'm the more descriptive writer, this plays to my favour, especally when it comes to the whole "show don't tell" moto of the contest but again I leave very little context until the very end, and alot of my descriptions especally of the facial expressions) is far from a realistic depiction of remorse.
Your Weaknesses: Because you say more with you item you unwittedly give off more than the emotion remorse. Granted I did the same, but with the range of emotions you show here the focus, namely remorse can be lost behind the others e.g. the pride and fear. That being said its also true that some readers may find that this complements the main emotion, remorse. As I said I'm guilty of it too and so its a weakness that we both share if anything.
My Weaknesses: The final line. Unlike your story which is very much grounded in what could be an ordinary event, I go for the cheap shock factor that comes with using a sensitive topic like rape. If this was a fight, that was me punching you below the belt and while yes it may prove effective its not particularly honourable.
I'm not going to ask who's better, thats for the judges to decide, but do you agree with my analysis and what do you think of my own contest entry?
A fun action packed little story. The Lion was probably my faviourite character with its showy ruthlessness.
Then theres the gun. Which is kind of annoying, your strengths really shined with the bloody melee between the animals by comparisons the introduction of guns felt flat.
Also I didn't lie the way you intergrated diologue with action. If you somehow seperated the action sequence from any major diologue I would feel alot less lost, and more importantly, you could probably throw more detail into the actual fight.
(P.S.: If you like action you should check out my story at "The Phoenix: A Tale of Rebirth" just promise me you'll send a review or two my way)
I usually have reservations about reviewing a story built around ones actual life. You started off with an intriging voice and you maintained it. The sibling rivalry, while not explicitly talked about, is interesting and actually ressonates alot with me.
What I liked: The use of direct address and the intentional lack of names makes it very easy to relate this piece. Everyone at one point has been through what your talking about.
What I disliked: It wouldn't hurt to paragraph your work though, as it is, its a wall of text that (while short) is still intimidating to read and hard to follow. Aside from that its a real shame its so short.
Recommendation: I haven't seen anything else on you portofio but I would challenge you to write a fuller story, perhaps using past expierences as a base.
Obligatory self-promotion: While I'm here I would ask that you try some of my stuff.
A cool little story. I enjoyed the begining, where you started at with the surrounding area and worked you way inwards, I know that it is a common convention but you setting seemed very clear to me.
My biggest question, is where are the adults shouldn't someone being looking for the cousin if he's been missing for hours. I don't know, it just seemed like something you could have at least acknowledged.
In either case I enjoyed the piece and think you should keep on writing, improving and hopefully growing more ambitious.
Speaking of which, you might just like my own stuff (at my portolio). Make sure to throw in a review while you're there.
An interesting premise. Personally I'm not a huge fan of the execution, the overuse of rhetorical questions can get combersome after a while.
If your aim was to get me thinking then there are other ways to do so, try: anitdotes (short stories)or just general word play like similies, metaphors and the many variations of alliteration. All of which can get a fun little idea stuck in the readers head as effectively as a rhetorical question. Granted this may require a bit more wit on your part. Its still worth mixing it up, I mean, theres a question in almost every stanza (and theres enough questions in stanza two to make up for the lack of questions in the seventh stanza).
That aside, I like the humanising idea of a supposedly all powerful being having to wait for toast. Also, please note I'm not a professional that these are my opinions, take them lightly.
And finally in anwser to your question: Does God wait for his toast?
-Only if he wants to wait.
Hi, this is my opinions of this chapter (yes I know its chapter 2, dont worry I'll read chapter 1).
First off, the idea of having an avatar act for your character is actually pretty cool. That being said, the actions of your characters along with some of your sentences are somewhat hard to follow.
Also a few of the action sequences are somewhat sloppy. I mean, the first real action sequences ends with a "fade-to-black". Also you switch the voice of the narractor to the character just to aknowledge how strong the oppenont is, which didn't really work for me (as a fellow wannabe-writer I respect your creative decision I just wouldn't like it).
Behond that I didn't see any gramma mistakes, so congrats on that.
Oh and check out my portfolio for my own little story, its a fantasy tale that you might just like.
This first chapter is closer to a teaser than an actual chapter. Outside of some characterization of the frustrated writer there is nothing really setting up the plot. I'm not saying that this isn't good, I want to read more, its just too brief with too many unanswered questions for be to call it a good first chapter.
As far as I could tell there wasn't any issues with spelling, grammar or punctuation.
More Importantly your introduction is awfully meta (which comes off as if your trying to avoid writing an actual introduction) and Sej as a character seems suspiciously like an author avatar, which may not be so bad depending on whether or not you make him fallible in the future- just a warning.
In the end, this an exciting first chapter, I can't wait to see what you come up with next. Keep on writing.
This reminds me of a lot of Wilfred Owens poems. Most notably "Disabled" which is about a man who was crippled by the war and the despair that he goes through. Real sombre stuff. Kind of like this. The fact that you can bring up such emotion for me to compare you with one of the most famous world war one poets of all time kind of says it all.
A truly troubling ending. I almost regret this being the first thing I see of yours, as it really doesn't work without context. Yet between your use of dialogue was so effective, despite its briefness, I almost have to know more.
To conclude, as a part of a greater narrative (which I believe it to be) this could easily very compelling. It just falls short on its own.
Honestly I don't have anything helpful to say, so I'll tell you that I enjoyed this opening and can't wait to see the greater narrative. But for the sake of nitpicking I'm going to have to ask about the character names. Also a bit more direction would go along way (as it is I can't see where exactly this is going).
Just my opinion, and I'm by no means a professional.
In either case this was a good start, don't stop writing.
While the introduction of the married couple was incredibly cliche and forced -memories of their "wedding dance", really- the story became much more solid after the arrival of the daughter, who seems to me to be the most naturally portrayed character of the four.That being said Dave was easily the least authentic character. While I understand that as the main character Monic would be the centre of the story the fact that Dave has nothing going on or any work of his own to do makes him feel incredibly flat. Not that you have to write about Dave, but giving him his own agenda would be enough.
An interesting dive into a magical system, would help if you offered a comprehesive list of "elements" as it's never made how many or what the scope of these elements are is it merely: fire, earth, wind and water, or does this system include lightning or something more abstract like time.
While this is just a suggestion, taking ideas from pre-esablished (fictional) magical arts and trying to make your system lead to those results could be interesting .e.g. how would necromancy or alchemy work with this magic of yours. Also establishing a backlash to usng magic one isn't ready for.
Still it got me thinking about how magic may work in my own work, so for that, I thank you. (Check it out it at http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2062...)
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