You had me until "bcoz". Beginning with the typical love rhetoric, this poem rose above that because it seemed heartfelt. and then there was the line beginning with "bcoz". Not only is it the gross mispelling of a simple word that sent this poem spiralling but the change up from a dumping to god taking her away. I think that this poem, reworked from that line could have potential.
It seems that the narrative character has reached a breaking point as this somewhat tragic comedy of his meltdown ensues. The story reveals to us that this is not the first time this character has had a meltdown. his boss asks him simply, "Don't you ever tire of this?" almost as if our narrative character throws computer monitors around his office on a regular basis. As a story this one is short. I like the subject matter, a sort of stick it to the man moment. The somewhat timid character of Ted is a nice addition, although I think there are more imaginative ways to describe him other than simply the "guy in the office behind that wall." I think it could be better if we were allowed deeper into the narrator's thought process in this moment of madness.
I clicked on random read and was pleasantly brought to this poem. As something silly and fun this poem is mission accomplished. The poem has a nice flowing rhyme to it, and a wonderful little twist at the end just for fun. After all that, it's not a squirrel it's a mouse!
A pretty good story Coffeebean. I didn't even know it was written with a prompt, probably for a contest until the end, which means it was tactfully inserted with great care and skill. Donna is a great character with the sense and flaws of a real person, in fact she is such a great character that it was very easy to develop a dislike for her. I felt so bad for Paul and Jimmy, those poor boys.
Thank You,
(I think you know what I mean when I say that.)
A touching poem that puts the familiar thread of hope and love into a dream context. I like how it ends without gratification, yet positively with hope. At times there was a feeling of forced rhyme, which I would warn against for example "Into the shapless bog" because it rhymed with fog. I think it would be improved if you took all the best lines and filled the spaces inbetween with meaningful lines that fit without rhyming to replace the currently empty rhyming lines.
A good poem using plenty of good words and not slipping into a sing song limerick. A bit on the melodramatic side, but it's difficult not to when the subject is death. I really like that you didn't restrict yourself by trying to make all the stanza's the same amount of lines and just went with what felt right.
Basic straight forward sort of letter style. It is written just like your average joe would write a letter, natural and at ease. I did find it strange that a man would think to write his mother from the honeymoon, but then I'm not his wife so his maternal attachments aren't my problem! There were a few things I didn't quite understand. Everything was left delibertatly vauge. There were only two specific references the first being Region Three, which could be anywhere to me living in the New England states and growing up in western Canada, I have no idea what Region Three means and it's significance. I think many readers would feel the same. The other specific reference was the pet name for his bride. Other than that there are no proper nouns at all leaving us with alot of mystery. Mom the person to whom the letter is addressed however would most likely understand and the letter leaves us with a sort of feeling like we found this in a box of old letters abandon by strangers, interesting but without more solid reference points quickly forgotten.
This poem is touching and full of all sorts of wonderful memories and feelings. I would recommend that before sending it to dad and grandma to really check for spelling. The one I can see is near the end "morning" should be mourning.
When it comes to family poetry and dealing with loss however you needn't strive for style points just let the words flow from the heart and you can't go wrong.
"Annoyance turned back into fear"
how about pain? Elbows and chin hitting rock would hurt.
"unless, like before, Tal Natha and the others had kindly refrained from telling her about yet another species native to the Island."
Tell me about it.
One thing I have noticed about Manitou Island is that it is constantly introducing new characters without fully developing the existing ones. I know that to you the writer and creator of this world every character is like an old friend and you know them intimately, but for a reader it seems like a character slips out of the story just as they were starting to get interesting only to be replaced by a new one in this case the eccentric Chepi Queen of the Windwalkers.
The word "Stupid" returns in all it's splendor and as you well know by now that if there was a single word that I could strike from Manitou Island forever it would be that one.
110 Chapters and next is 55.....the half way point!
And yet once again after a lengthy absence I return to Manitou Island.......but this time I am armed with just a little more knowledge than ever before. I have recently returned home from a short vacation to Mackinac Island the quasi-setting for this epic story and have seen such places as Arch rock, Fort Holmes and Sugarloaf with my own eyes.
Now for a few notes in review:
She "scrabbled" to her feet and hurried
did you mean "scrambled" .
At first I thought perhaps this was a word in your vocabulary usage that had a meaning that I am not familiar with. (for example snitty). So this time I decided to look the word up to see if that were the case. My discovery was that to scrabble is to scratch frantically at something with a hand or paw, or to scribble. Neither of those definitions seemed to fit Charmian's actions like the word "scramble" would.
Tal Natha has always been one of my favorite characters, the powerful and mysterious dreamspinner. (Even in this chapter Tal Natha is described as one of the more powerful Ocryx's and Justin being weak in comparison) His description in the prolouge and near the beginning paint an awesome picture for the fantasy adventure to come, but fifty some chapters later his power has diminished so much that I cringe at every confrontation knowing that Tal Natha will once again be keeling over in pain. At first I was disappointed with that but having read through chapters a second and in some cases a third or fourth time, I have come to realize that as the guardian of the Island, Tal Natha's very spirit is linked to the Island itself just as Ocryx is and as the very existance of the Island is in peril so too is Tal Natha.
I like the inkling of Charmian's inner powers beginning to manifest themselves more as she stabs Ocryana with the icycle.
[Tal Natha, what did she do to you?"
Tal Natha put out his foot and slowly pushed himself up again. She...needed to do very little.
He didn't clarify; Charmian wanted him to}
And I wanted him to clarify as well, but all in due time I suppose.
Lastly, and I must ask.....Why on earth does Justin offer his necklace to Charmian? Is there significance in this action to the plot later or is it something trivial that just happens?
I really do enjoy reading Manitou Island. Thank you for sharing your world with us.
"Justin Dupries will reach his twentieth year sometime in the new year. And so yes, you are correct about this. It means little though."
Tal Natha's response to Charmian seems disjointed here. Almost as if it were simply an excuse to give us Justin's actual age. Charmian complaining about the age difference seems like a normal defence against a harmless accusation, but age is really meaningless when it comes to feelings. How many students have had crushes on teachers 10, 20 or even more years older? Tal Natha is supposed to be a wise Guardian and Dreamspinner and his response is juvenile.
"Men! Always so childish and suspicious when it came to women..."
and yet Charmian is not yet a woman.
At the end Tal Natha get's leveled once again. That makes twice for him and then there's X getting thrown about as well. After all the trouble of getting the crystal the first time.....It felt a little redundant and Tal Natha's powerful facade has completely fallen and the powerful and mysterious Dreamspinner has been reduced to cannon fodder.
A good poem all around with symbolism and meaning without going overboard. I expecially like the second stanza with it's relating storytelling to an artistic labour. It does end kind of melancholy with the trees old and thin and the muse growing too tall, maybe a fourth stanza giving a ray of hope in some way would be nice, but then life isn't the movies and sometimes it just ends that way.
"She knew the Ocryx was not stupid"
This is the second time in Manitou Island that the word stupid which I have found fault with so many times is actually used well.
"Do you think you can hold her off?"
Why would Charmian pit X against another Ocryx knowing that the only way an Ocryx can be killed is by another Ocryx's horn. This would mean a leathal battle between them where as if X were to fight the other beast which is already wounded he would have a much better chance and would not be in danger....This of course would also depend greatly on Charmian's abilities. Could she possibly fight the tawny Ocryx and win?
"She could almost hear action theme music playing in her head as they backed toward the rock" LOL I hear the batman theme song.
"and held up the stick to block"
What kind of stick is this? Is it a walking stick? finely crafted or is it simply a stick picked up off the ground? What type of wood is it? Is it a strong oak or a weak dead branch? Has it been crafted sharpened at an end? Is the bark still on it or is it peeled? How long is this stick is it short like a cudgel or long like a quarterstaff? A stick is more than just a stick when it becomes a weapon in a fight for life and death.
"Come on, Ugly! You want a piece of this, then come get it!"
The action theme music abruptly cut out and she winced. Jeez...that was lame." Yes it was lol and it was great lol
The talk with Tal Natha about Justin Dupries is very interesting. Justin consorts with Moon Wolf who is training Charmian and yet he assisted Shadow Water who for all intensive purposes seems to be the tawny Ocryx, his alliances do seem more complicated than most and his intentions are not always clear.
Chapter 51 and I feel as if I am just now getting past the introductory stage and into the meat of the story which has epic porportions considering that there are two sequals of great length as well.
how does a "rainbow" in the moonlight become a "moonbow"? It's not like it was a "sunbow" during the daytime.
"mimic of the dog on the RCA label"
There is a good possibility that many readers will have no idea what this means.
"She was reminded of her dog"
Charmian consistantly is reminded of her dog when she is examining the expressions of an Ocryx, yet we know so little about her actual pet. What type of dog does she have? Does it have a name? Wouldn't Charmian think in terms of, (she was reminded of "Fido insert dogs name here ") instead of the generic term dog. A dog owner thinking of their own dog would have a stronger affinity to it than just thinking "dog".
"Why do you trust people so much"
One thing I have noticed throughout Manitou Island is that Creatures and Demons and mist like entities are all referred to as "people" as if they were all human.
The action sequence at the end was nice and the cliffhanger was there as usual with the tawny Ocryx appearing once again.
When using a word like "Emerikan" in place of the common usage of the word in this case American, you should first explain why you are using the alternate spelling. If not then a reader does not know your purpose and a part of your message is lost.
Your introductory paragraph is quite lengthy. Too long in fact. The thesis is wrapped up in the final two sentences and all the generalizations of the American work force inbetween would have been better off had an actual example or statistical facts were used. Nobody is convinced by generalizations and stereotypes.
The main body of the essay continues along the lines of the introduction. More generalizations and stereotypes to support the argument with no facts.
The essay completely changes it's tone after a paragraph or two. It goes from "Emerikans are apathetic" to the totally absurd "the decriminalization of every known narcotic would not only boost the economy...."
The long and short of it is that this essay isn't really an essay at all. It was clearly written with the intent to be funny rather than have a point and it wasn't even that.
This story has a good purpose. Writing is an excellent venting and searching of feelings tool.
"too king"
was this supposed to be too kind?
"you were obviously compensating. “Obviously…..” It was also obvious "
the words obviously and obvious are redundant here.
He said as I blew on The persepective changes here. Once speaking directly to you it now changes to He from this point the perspective changes of and on.
"....she almost felt like tossing a Frisbee." This line kills me.
"...stupid twits.." Old Mother Manitou must have picked up the word twit from Drake, it's far to slang to be common speech for an old lady manitou ....
"Stupid brute"...."you who does that. Stupid"
If I could erase one word from Manitou Island forever it would be the word "stupid" I've seen it at least 100 times by now and only appreciated it once.
The title is well thought out and fitting and there's a cliffhanger ending again which are Manitou Island trademarks.
I was rather surprised by the lyrics showing up at the top of the page of this chapter and I know the song well...it has now become Manitou Islands theme song like it or not by association. The passage of time is made known, I would have liked to have seen a little more worry from Charmian and Drake about being away from home for so long....it was touched on a little early on but that was before an obvious several weeks to a month of time passed in quick succession. Even though time on the mainland isn't the same, Charmian and Drake would still have felt it....I do like the return of Drake into the story he is one of my favorite Manitou Island characters.
"Francois had paid them all a visit."
the word "all" seems wrong here.
"but Red Bird and Silver Eagle Feather and OMM"
I still don't like the acronym OMM for Old Mother Manitou.
After Drake and Charmian's dialouge in which Charmian made sure to address Drake as a "dolt" which was paramount to calling him "stupid" I could really sense the change in Manitou Island. As the season changed and as the story passed time there was a definite different feel to it. Charmian spending her time at Cave of the Woods with Moon Wolf, Mani and Sikt and Drake spending his time with Dahk, Old Mother Manitou and the recovering Tal Natha at Sugar Loaf.
the title "Interim" says it all. Uneventful except to catch up with whats been going on over the time that was "skipped" over to allow for Charmian to become more adept in her "Island knowledge". It doesn't end with one of your classic cliffhangers but some suspense has been laid out there.
the word "dealt" might sound better than "deal" in this spot.
the exchange of north and south and country and rock was good. It was a bit of reversal though because usually it is the south that goes with country and north that goes with rock but it matters not it works in this case because it has that "real" feeling to it.
There was also a twist that indicated a possible homosexual theme as "he was from the north" and later "I'm just a laid back kind of guy" I don't know if this was intended or not but the early reference to different cultures helps fuel the thought, it was fine though this is 2007 not 1957.
The white GeeBee like creatures are intriguing. Yet another form of life on the island that would not be found on the "mainland".
"He was still in here waiting for her?"
Why does this sentence end in a question mark? I would think that after hearing Mani's whistle that Charmian would be excited and it would go more like,
"He was still waiting for her!"
"She wished this thing were wider!"
The word "thing" once again seems too generic. Thing also refers as if to an object not a place such as the Crack.
Once again the words "stupid" and "idiot" run rampant as a part of the characters vocabulary.
"They seem part GeeBee," Lady Dupries murmured, "but as for the rest of them...I cannot be certain..."
Just once at some point I would like for a character to be "certain" about something.
"with mashed potatoes"
Charmian must be very happy I can recall an earlier meal eaten at the native village where she lamented the lack of the starchy vegetable. The entire wine sequence of course once again seemed more weird than it needed to be.
Charmian's new clothes are a welcome addition to the story.
"It was mid-October by now, with November on the way, and after that December."
This sentence tells us a little too much of the obvious. Ending the chapter with this makes it only more redundant:
"For now, autumn still reigned, but winter was coming soon to the Island."
Wow, is the very first thing that I thought getting about half way through this rambling "masterpiece" of randomness. It felt much like stand up comedy at times. Some of it was funny, some wasn't. I do have one question however. For most of the writing the paragraphs are done in a block style with no indentation, but near the end for no apparent reason the paragraphs began to be indented. That was about the time you were talking about thinking better when under the influence of "lots and lots of sugar."
This piece was too long for stand up comedy. As for satire well the sarcasm and human folly were abundant it just never took an actual direction. I am glad your sandwich was good. Lucky me!
I really liked the sequence of discovering the field of flowers and the replica of Charmian's dream underground. It is very intriguing and leads back to the reason that Charmian came to Manitou Island in the first place. That there was something special about her.
the "dopey lemurs"
in this instance I think the adjective "dopey" could be omitted.
"Seeing the thing in a dream"
I am pretty sure there's better substitues for the word fountain than "thing"
"I cannot tell you this now"
and the mist just like Moon Wolf, Sikt, Dakh, Tal Natha and Silver Eagle Feather has no explanation. What the mist does do is give us more and more questions to be answered building the suspense that at some point all of these questions will be answered!
By now we are quite used to the fact that it is Augwak who is acting and speaking and the term "Pomiere-Augwak" as in indicator that it is Augwak in Pomiere's body is somewhat redundant.
Justin goes from really concerend about Charmian's saftey when she first heads for Moon Wolf's cave and confronting Ocryxana to nearly indifferent when she returns from Ocryxana's lair. Perhaps it was Shadow Water's effect on him, but it seems out of character from what he has exhibited in his earlier actions. Either way it seemed necessary for Justin to be elsewhere for the plot to continue and Charmian proceeds into the Crack in the Island. For being wise about the ways of the Island, Moon Wolf and Sikt are unsure, don't know or cannot say about a great many things in much the same way Tal Natha and Silver Eagle Feather were before them. Once again Manitou Island leaves us with a cliffhanger style ending with Sikt leaving Charmian's mind.
Although containing some interesting thoughts, I had to rate your essay rather poorly for the following reasons:
“smacks you across the head with his big, mean bat” The essay loses credibility with exaggerations like this. I would suggest doing some research and giving an actual example of “God” in the Christian sense punishing his worshippers for sinning.
“hundreds of thousands of years” …..and yet Christianity has a mere two thousand years of existence. Even religions such as Hinduism and Judaism have existed for less than six thousand years. This shows a lack of research done in regards to the subject and weakens your argument.
The thesis of this essay, I must conclude is trying to convince others that your belief in the existence of “an interpersonal Divine Intelligence” is in fact true.....however your first main body paragraph begins “The concept of God, I believe…” but what you believe is for the introduction and conclusion, the main body of an essay should be proving your points with facts.
“On the mental plane we have Free Will” Why is free will capitalized?
Your use of a source, Ms Rhonda Bryne’s book “The Secret” is insufficient because you summarize and don’t specifically quote the book. If you did so you did not reference a page number or follow any form of citation which without, a quote would be considered plagiarism which is a taboo. Referring to the attention that Ms. Bryne’s book has received as “hoopla” is a generalization and could be better described by explaining exactly what kind of attention the book has been receiving.
In a nut shell, your essay falls short of its intentions not because of the message you wished share but because of the way in which it was presented.
poetry doesn't have to rhyme. There were times when lines were forced to rhyme when they would have been better served with different words. For example "That I Saw" This could have ended with simply "the last" or perhaps even "my last" if you wanted to keep it personal.
There are some words inserted that seem unnecessary and bog the poem down. for example: (life "ever" gets) and (find "any" flaw)
The subject of the poem is its strength. Appealing to nature is powerful because it has always been a part of the human experience.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bcgirl
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.14 seconds at 11:23am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
