Very interesting subject. I like to write similar things sometimes. The idea is good and in line with my thinking. Very deep and profound concept. No suggestions because everything has been done so well that I can't think of an improvement. Listing God's attributes while aware that the list could never serve as a comparison or do justice to its attempt. A beautiful failure, you might say.
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Good wording and weaving of thoughts and ideas. It is moving to the mind. I always like to see at least a little repetition. I think it hightlights main ideas and catches/helps maitain the reader's attention.
The repetition you do here handles that task well. I think this creates a nice effect. I love the way the end leave an open interpretation as to what the future would be. I think I should incorporate this technique into my writing. Good work.
Nice concept and nice images to re-enforce it. Powerful words and imagery and well expressed. The ideas of choas and beauty contrast each other, especially with the shift in mood at the end. I have felt similiar feelings and had the same thoughts when I've written a poem as expressed here...
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I like repetition because I think it creates a rhythm. It also fixes the reader's attention on a main idea or concept. Your stanzas are matched to the repeated line. You have a grammatical error:
Should she leave , should she stay
You need to move the comma to the left.
I like the way the last line changes. This technique makes for a memorable ending.
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Inventive use of metophor. I would like to see this colored up a bit by the use of more adjectives and description. This would give your poem a much stronger sense of imagery.
This piece is very reflective. I like the way it casually begins
"I saw a man the other day I used to know so well...."
... and then it continues
"He once was sweet and kind and giving
But the man I saw from what I could tell
Looked like he was barely living"
...and then, only later, identifies the true nature of the relationship w/ the other person
"Brother, come. I've found a way
to rid you of your shame, your pain"
This is a subtle yet profound device.
The only things I would change is I would put punctuation at the end of the 3rd stanza and also at the end of a few lines in order to highlight a seperation between thoughts:
"to love and joy, the chains broke with a clatter"
and
"He once again is sweet and kind and giving"
Then I would work on the last 2 lines more. Make them more clear and understandable.
Nice to see a Shakesperean sonnet written so nicely. Your wording seems to me to be excellent. The lines flow smoothly; the thoughts a deep and complex but not outside the grasp of an attentive reader. A very enjoyable piece of writing with vivid imagery.
The wording and language here draws the reader in to make them empathize with the writer.
The expression is plain and emotional; a good thing here when the sincerity of the writer adds to their believability and the reader can let down their guard and sympathize.
The lack of punctuation allows the reader to follow the thoughts smoothly from one line to another. This structure compliments this particular piece very well and has a "magical" effect.
It's a fine balance of frank statments a artful expression.
I love it. Short and simple. Rhythmatic and rhyming irregularly but w/ perfect timing. Natural and heart felt. This gets a rating of 5. The first time I have given a perfect rating. A rating that I rarely hand out.
Very expressive and well worded. The words seem to dance line to line.
Maybe I would throw in more punctuation to seperate ideas and thoughts so that they don't run together but maybe you are going for a different effect and I could see how leaving it out would be a good way to go.
I think punctuation will put accent your individual thoughts and make them more distinguishable and distinct. I think it will make your expressed ideas stand out and it will give more strength and impact to your words.
But if you are wanting to create a "ethereal" and "surreal" effect, then leaving out punctuation could seem to do this. I like the soft, thoughtful ending. It has a subtle power about it. Keep up the good work!!!
Very emotional. This poem does not hold back in its intent to express. It is very vivid. The images flash in my mind. The wording is strong and direct. It is also eloquent at the same time so as to make it much more than crude in its conveyances.
I would only put a "?" at the end of the poem to bring the question more to the readers attention. I think this would strengthen your ending.
Very concise and precise. I have trouble sometimes being brief. You handle it very well. Good use of grammatical devices and spacing to put accent on certain lines and divide thoughts. You give me some ideas on what I can do for my own writing.
Good. Comes from your heart and is full of expressive emotion. I think that every day people can easily relate to this poem. The language is more like normal everyday talk at first then becomes most poetic at the end to express your dilemma. I think this puts strong accent on the close of the poem. I never thought to do anything like that myself but it seems like an interesting technique.
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