A very impressive and philosophical series of Haiku. Normally, reading non-traditional haiku turns me off... but this seemed a valid format for this poem. The short, concice statements presented a point and an idea, without overwhelming the reader with too many choices.
"Where are the fighters?
Are fractured wings blinded eyes?
Who will lift us up?"
I LOVE this. Especially line 2. Such an impressive comparison, such an intimidating idea. It gives me chills and I can read it again and again. Definitely your show piece here.
I can't wait to read more, thank you for the fantastic piece.
Well, this is very impressive. I thin the poem could use a little refining, which i will get into soon, but my initial thoughts are: "Wow."
I especially enjoy how the images move from harsh at the beginning of the poem, to soft and luxurious towards the end. It creates a sense of evolution, maybe... understanding? I like it alot.
I also really like how your word usage changes as the images become softer. Moving from harsh words like pierced, shredded, and brushed, and moving to dainty, delicate, winged, scented... very nice work.
Some of your images are slightly prosaic- metaphor statements such as "asparagus-green" are a big clunky, and I think could be changed to further the whimsical nature of the poem.
Near the end of the poem I think you are overusing alliteration. It makes the sound of the poem choppy as I say it aloud, which I believe is the opposite of what you are wanting come the end of the poem.
All in all I am very impressed with this. Good work, great read.
When I read this poem it invoked feelings of desperation, fear, self loathing, etc... I think it is a very strong, important message, and many people feel the same thing. The fact that it is so easily adaptable to any other person's situation makes it all the stronger for many readers.
The image is very strong through the majority of the poem. Moving from hiding from yourself, to dreaming of how you want to perceive yourself, glides along through the words and founds itself solidly. The last two lines, however, I feel are out of place. Where the majority of the poem represents how the narrator views theirself, the last two lines turn the subject of the poem to another person. I find the transition jarring and misplaced.
What I liked the most were the images of the narrator moving through nature. The perception is strong and formal, but I think the words used are cliche, and could be improved with more original images.
Other than that I like the strong message you portray. Self beauty and self acceptance is very important and a very emotional subject for most people. Good work.
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