 Greetings! I enjoyed this piece, but I have a couple of tips as well as thoughts.
 Things I Noticed
First of all, this does not fit the qualifications of an E rating. I would go and read the article available on rating your items ("Content Rating System (CRS)"  ). This story contains "h*ll" "d*mn" and a "fr*g" all of which are well above a E rating. The last one, particularly, might earn this one a 18+. Also, getting hit by a train, a choking scene, and other violent elements of this story would make it disturbing to some audiences. I would suggest you take the rating up to at least a 13+.
I only noticed one spelling error:
 chocking should be: choking
I also have a couple of punctuation suggestions:
“ It’s nice and sunny outside, Gunter,” Otto said lighting his pipe as he sat down at the corner table. No space between the quotation tag and It's, also a comma after "said":
“It’s nice and sunny outside, Gunter,” Otto said, lighting his pipe as he sat down at the corner table.
Also in the next dialog:
“ I like the cool darkness,” Gunter said flipping another page of the magazine. I can still read here and the darkness links me with the past... No space between " and "I", comma after "said" and a starting quotation mark:
“I like the cool darkness.” Gunter said, flipping another page of the magazine. "I can still read here and the darkness links me with the past...
Other examples of the same:
“ It’s a strange watch,” Otto said as he brought it out of the inner pocket of his jacket.
“ Surprisingly, it started ticking again the day the Berlin wall came down,” Otto said thinking back on the day the nation became one again.
“What do they say, an idle mind is the devil’s workshop, isn’t it?” Gunter said as he caressed his cup of coffee.
I would break this up:
“And, are we, are we one people?”
Try:
"And are we? Are we one people?"
“And, are we, are we one people?” Try: "And are we? Are we one people?"
One thing you might experiment with is the way you describe the things in the past. You recount a lot of history in this story, and in the thoughts of two old veterans, but you tell it in an impersonal way. I think it's interesting that most people don't remember events in words, but in pictures. So try making pictures; try showing, instead of telling. I would try it for the Berlin Wall, when Gunter is rescued, and especially in the ending.
This would also be improved by some extra details. I've never seen a group of Turks in my life, and haven't a clue what they look like. What do you mean by pillars coming alive? I would also cut out the explanations in this paragraph:
Otto couldn’t believe what he saw. Axel was slowly chocking a man to his death with a chain. He was definitely out of his senses acting like a madman. He gave a demonic scream as he squeezed. He had to be stopped. Otto felt the aches and burden of his age slip away. In front of him he saw the Polish battlefield and a new strength flowed into his veins.
This is a wonderful moment in the story, but I couldn't see it at all. Because it's an action scene, you've got to write vividly, clearly, and quickly.
Vividly: colors, sights, sounds.
Clearly (this is just an example): not, "Jack hit Harry," say, "Jack drove his fist into Harry's jaw." Give specifics.
Quickly: Don't waste your time. It's not so much about not using time; it's about using time well. Explanations, such as why Otto tried to stop Axel, are not needed; the reader will know why.
 Things I Liked
I really liked the watch part. I think you could bring that out more. I also liked the setting and plotline; I think it really says a lot about courage.
Keep writing!  |
|
| (3.5)
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I enjoyed this poem; I can really feel the love and skill with which you handle words, so essential for a poet—especially the lines, 
The dragon is second only to the phoenix on my list of favorite magical creatures, so I really enjoyed reading about your vision of them, even though it's very sad! The picture of the night and the moon on the lake is especially good. Here are a couple of suggestions:
Check out the second paragraph--I feel like it's backwards; it's certainly backwards chronologically--you describe Kreylures' tenure in the lake before her families'. I think switching these two would create a better sense of flow; perhaps you should even leave the description of the hundreds of years until the very end—emphasize her loneliness even more. 
Good work and keep writing! 
I also think you can expand the sentiments and give the reader more time to savor them. For example, the lines, "Never felt this way before./ Once I had given up," The concept is unique, of a woman who cannot fall in love. Over and over we see stories of women who have been hurt or rejected when they loved. But what of a woman who is frozen inside herself? If you could expand this with images... try sights, sounds, feelings, colors to give it more life. 
Once you've established this theme, maybe you can find a turning point. What about the one you love is different? What happened? How did he teach you to love? I suggest you explore this as well. 
I felt a little lost. Not completely lost, not lost enough to demand that you fix it, but confused enough to mention it in my review. I think I will have to say it was because of all the curve balls. I love the curve balls, but the Holy Mother and the She-God and the Greek and everything didn't really have my mind in the story. I was trying to piece together your theology; I was trying to understand what kind of beings everybody and everything was; I was trying to find some sort of foothold within the story, a perspective from which to approach the book. I can pinpoint the exact moment I found that perspective—when Jasia says, “You will go to the Material Plane as a Fallen, but you will live among the humans as a human.” Why? Because it's a connection to things I know, it grounds everything else in the human earth. And I think it is ultimately the human that makes literature work. Do with that analysis what you will.
Okay, some concrete suggestions now. 
She drew from nowhere a sword... This is a little vague. Why is she drawing the sword from nowhere? Do you mean that it appeared suddenly and nobody seemed to realize it was there? Or did she really draw it out of thin air, and if so, why not say as much? 
Finally, don't make the exclamation points do your work for you, because they can't. Rather than putting one, two, and eventually three exclamation points as God thunders in heaven, just make her thunder. The “mighty thunder clap” is a step in the right direction... emphasize her rage by having her storm up and down, black clouds billow, the ground shake, her face turn red... really, exclamation points are just not as exciting. 
What a cool story! First it reminded me of the snowstorm we had on Easter this year--in Texas that's really something else! Then it reminded me of the story of St. Christopher carrying the Christ child across the river. I love your description of the girl... for some reason the red scarf is just the right touch for her, beginning to end. It gives her identity and character within the story in a simple, easy-to-remember and imagine way. Good job!
There was one sentence that stuck out to me as awkward: The road trip had been fun until he had driven into this icebox otherwise known as North Dakota. I think it's an instinctual awkwardness rather than technical; the former is caused by simply using more words than is really necessary; the latter comes from actual grammatical errors. Here, I think "otherwise known" bogs down your sentence. Try "...this icebox, North Dakota." Or, "North Dakota, more like an icebox than a state." 
The only big suggestion I have would be to format this; use the WritingML tags to indent the paragraphs; and instead of this: ********* try centering three stars spaced apart, like this:
The other problem was the first chapter... It's a difficult portion for the reader to piece together, which I think has to do with the order in which you give the details--it's as if the entire first paragraph was arranged backwards. Think of it as if you were painting the scene; you would probably start with the backdrop first and then add the details on top of it. The first sentence, for example: A rip opened into the unknown on a strangely quiet night. What are you ripping? At first I thought it was the sky, and I think I eventually figured out it was the ground; but it would be far more effective if you set it up by painting us a picture of the night plain--and make sure the details stay consistent (For example, grass may be brown and yellow in the brilliant sunlight, but at night they will probably be shadowy, blues and grays). Then tell us what happens there. 
Art--and I think all creation is art on some level, if not museum-worthy--is about humanity. about life and who we are and what we experience. It's what makes writing and reading enjoyable but also spiritual and beneficial. If it doesn't, then what, I would ask, are we all doing? Why do we bother, why do we write with our souls? My main suggestion for you is to really step back from this story, short though it is, and ask yourself, what is my reader going to take away from this? How will they be changed or effected? It could be something as simple as a beautiful person/character or a mood. It could also say something deeper about the meaning of life itself, of courage, of love, of faithfulness. What do you want to say about first love, about relationships? Most people believe true love is forever... why, especially, did this one end? Answers to these questions is what is going to give your writing it's real content. 
I love the example "all kinds of pitches." But I'm not so convinced on the shoes. Steve Madden? I'm not particularly fashion-wise by any means, but that means nothing to me. I would recommend a more universal example. 
I'm going to talk about something else.