You have presented many ideas, themes and characters in a very short amount of space. This is a good foundation for a longer story.
Now it is time to rewrite...
Break this into its natural sections and focus on developing those individual scenes. The journal format is perfect for this. Breathe life into your characters by giving them dialogue and physical characteristics. Make the reader feel your settings. Details, details and more details. Think of your senses. Describe things in the context of sights, sound, feel and smell.
This is quite a thought provoking piece. You make the case for our dependance eerily well. I don't think people think about this very much, myself included.
I would like to see you continue with this and explore life after the screens go blank. What would we do? Would we have the humanity neccessary to interact or did it all go away while we stared at the screen?
I think you have a very tight story here with solid descriptions, characters and dialogue. I found myself being pulled away by some of the cliched romance narrative like seeing an ocean in her eyes. I liked the ubrupt turn when she began to pull him down. It really helped to transcend this from the genre. I think a subtle style change at that point might make the piece fresher.
Well done.
Thanks for the art.
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