Not sure if I'm missing the point, nonetheless, there are a couple of things you might want to look at.
Line 1. Did you mean plural or possessive.
Line 3. Did you mean 'their'.
Line 5. Did you mean 'their'.
Line 6. 'Way'
Think of editing before posting. There are a couple of good lines that might benefit from a rewrite.
This is a nice little poem about the fun of doing activities with children.
Life is so confusing. The Devil tricked us into believing he did not exist and god tricked us into believing he did exist.
The only thing I can trust is myself; cogito ergo sum.
Wow. You have a great sense of rhythm in your writing and a great use of words to draw perfect pictures. Another great read. I feel I should have a pint in one hand and just nod my head as you read aloud. I think delightful is a good adjective for your work. I am a fan.
Great read. Love the sense of control over our happiness and sadness. It is just me of course, but I refer to this type of commentary as an "Irish view of things". The rhythm is fantastic and made reading it aloud fun. Partly because I could use my own punctuation or more accurate perhaps; each sentence is its own punctuation.
Thank you, you made my day.
A wonderful read. You managed to capture feel/smell/touch . For me these are remembered things brought back to the present and for that I thank you. Not sure of the inclusion of "now" in verse 1 & 3. To me they don't seem necessary/ visual yellow sticky notes. I read the piece with and without "now" and without allowed me a pause to reflect on the senses you referred to.
The rhythm is sweet; I feel good inside reading this.
The first seven lines create a poem that could apply to not only the physical but the emotional.
As with a lot of people who are legally blind as opposed to totally blind I am as in the dark as you. However, for me it is the constant and unending struggle to utilize what I do have more than bemoaning what I don't have.
I understand the sentiment but have to say the notion as presented is too stereotypical.
Barr
Great read, written to be read out loud. I like the rhythm, its hard hitting. Story line flows nicely and transitions well . Good read, thank you.
Barr
One persons opinion only.
The first line moves too quickly for me and emotions are jumbled: moving stopping moving stopping. Again I say its only the opinion of one person.
I think it would be more hard hitting if each word was on its own line. The pause would give the reader time to digest the power of what you are saying.
2nd verse I really like because of the mental see-saw but I would like more of a show rather then tell.
Enjoyed the read, thank you.
Barr
Your poem leaves me in the same unsettled mindset I had before reading it.
For one thing the murder of the young man proves once again the danger of allowing Cowards to carry guns, because only a gutless piece of sh-t, be they vigilante or cop, would be so scared as to shoot an unarmed person. I'm from Canada, but we too are seeing more gun crime so this is not a holier-then-thou comment.
Thanks for posting this poem because It was playing in my mind.
Barr
I love the story and the way it progressed. Very original.
ONLY one mans opinion. It would do well with a little more work. If you read it out loud you'll hear how choppy the rhythm is so you might want to get rid of some of the extra words. This piece is well worth the extra work.
Thanks for the good read.
barr
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