I love your story. Well written and most enjoyable. If I had to comment, which you can see, I'm about to, I might suggest the addition of a little description of your characters. I could see your kitchen and the camera, but you, your wife, and child all remain faceless.
Very nice read. Keep on writing. Barbs
Thanks for sharing this facinating information. I am a big fan of the Grimm stories and want to try my hand at childrens stories, too. They make it look so easy. I know that I'll find the opposite to be the case. Thank you for this interesting read. Well written. Barbs
Hi Raymond
Thanks for sharing this poem. I like the sentiment and the way it flows. Good use of imagery in so few words.
I saw no spelling problems.
My only comment would be regarding the lack of punctuation and capitalization. I realize this is acceptable but, for me, it made the reading of this piece dificult, tedious, really. Color me an old fossil but I have to be honest.Since this is a purely a subjective matter, I did not lower your rqting because of it.
Thanks for listening.
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Barbs
First, I want to welcome you to Writing.com. If you enjoy writing poetry, you've come to the right place.
Thank you for sharing this poem. I think that you have a cute and clever sentiment and you have expressed it well. I was tickled to read it.
I do have several suggestions for you to consider as you edit your work.
1. I think that if you edit your punctuation, you could improve the readability of this piece. For example,
"I asked you if you liked me, you said no."
"I don't like you, I love you."
These suggestions are offered in the spirit of wanting to be helpful, not critical. They are, of course, only suggestions and you should feel free to use any you want, and discard the rest. The points that I mention are not major issues, but correcting punctuation problems will make your work much more palatable to your reader. This is a fine beginning to your presence here.
Thank you for listening. Write on!
First, I want to welcome you to Writing.com. If you enjoy writing, you've come to the right place.
Thank you for sharing this monologue. Your writing is so laden with emotion that I cringed as I read it. If this in autobiographical in nature, I can only hope that you have resolved these issues. To carry this much raw hatred is not a healthy thing. Further, if you are still being stalked, I urge you to get a restraining order or move or do whatever you need to to unhook yourself from this person before one of you does something that you will regret.
I do have several suggestions for you to consider as you edit your work.
1. typo, Where is old judge. .
2. induce. Did you mean inflict it on you?
3. Every year I went by living miserable I want you to feel it too. This sentence needs revision for clarity. Perhaps, "For the years that you made me miserable, I want you to suffer now." or something similar.
4. The entire piece needs to be punctuated appropriately. Many commas and periods are missing.
These suggestions are offered in the spirit of wanting to be helpful, not critical. They are, of course, only suggestions and you should feel free to use any you want, and discard the rest. The points that I mention are not major issues, but correcting wording and punctuation problems will make your work much more palatable to your reader.
Please write and let me know how you are doing today. Thank you for listening. Write on!
Dear Steph,
This is a well written and informative interview. Your questions are open ended and require a thoughtful response from your subject. Good follow-up questions, as well. I see no spelling or grammar issues.
Good job overall. Thanks for sharing.
Barbs
Dear Josie,
This is a powerful outpouring of feelings and emotions. It socked me right in the gut. I was fortunate not to have experienced this kind of childhood and I am crushed to see how many in this place write of such things. I salute you for finding your power and working to make yourself whole with it. If you have not already done so, you might consider visiting "Invalid Item" . It is a forum for any who have suffered the same indignities as a child.
Thank you for sharing this touching poem.
Barbs
Hi Lobelia,
I really enjoyed this little story, maybe because my hubby does the same thing. For years I let him dress the way he wanted, but at some point, I just took matters into my own hands and "retired" articles which no longer fit, or were too shabby for words. I had purchased new things all along, he just never wore them until the old regulars were "still in the wash." lol.
First, I want to welcome you to Writing.com. If you enjoy writing poetry, you've come to the right place.
Thank you for sharing this poem. Your sentiment is clear and well expressed.
I have no suggestions for you. You have done an exceptionally nice piece of work here. I saw no spelling, punctuation or grammatical problems.
There is a poetry contest beginning this week and you would have until Friday at midnight writing.com time. That's Eastern Daylight Time. The way there is "SLAM!" . Click on this link and the rules and directions are there. Anyone who writes this well should participate, or at least think about it.
Thank you for listening. Write on!
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Barbs
First, I want to welcome you to Writing.com. If you enjoy writing poetry, you've come to the right place.
Thank you for sharing this poem. Your sentiment is clear and well expressed.
I do have several suggestions for you to consider as you edit your work.
1. Please correct the spelling of loneliness in your item description.
2. Line 2, comma after "need" The word "from" seems awkward. It might sound better without that word.
3. Line 3. Darkness gnaws at my soul.
These suggestions are offered in the spirit of wanting to be helpful, not critical. They are, of course, only suggestions and you should feel free to use any you want, and discard the rest. The points that I mention are not major issues, but correcting spelling and punctuation problems will make your work much more palatable to your reader.
Thank you for listening. Write on! I hope we will see alot of your work in the coming months.
First of all, welcome to writing.com. As a poet, you will find yourself in good company here. In that regard, check the site "Invalid Item" . There is a corner for poets.
This is a well written piece. Your sentiment is clear. You've made especially good use of imagery. I felt I was out in the storm with you. And, you've captured the beauty, the rapture of a thunderstorm. Very nicely done.
I found no spelling problems.
I think that you can eliminate the comma after the word "here" in the last line.
If this were my poem, there are a couple of very minor things I might do differently to improve the flow of the words.
In the third line, I would eliminate the word "I'm."
Fourth line, eliminate "the"
Line eleven, "earth seems to cry out to"
last line, "beauty as I define it."
These are subjective issues and what you have written here is fine as it is.
This is such a nice piece. I'm pleased to be giving you your first review here. Thank you for sharing this enjoyable read. Write on!
Thank you for sharing this glowing account of the Friule-Venezia-Giulia region of Italy. When we were in Europe, we spent nearly all of our time in the eastern European countries as my husband is Hungarian by birth. We also traveled through Austria, Switzerland, and Germany. There seems to be no end to the beautiful cities and towns everywhere, and the people of those areas couldn't have been nicer.
Like you, we'd like to return, but there are so many other places that we haven't seen, it's a tough decision. Lovely story and thank you for listening.
Welcome to Writing.com. If you love to write, you have found the perfect place.
This is a touching and tender poem that you have shared. I'm not a poetry expert, but I will give you my thoughts as I have read and reread this piece.
The sentiment is clearly conveyed.
I realize that this is free verse but the flow seems a bit choppy as it comes off the tongue.
In that regard, I have made some suggestions for change to help the smoothness of the reading.
As night flies by,
My heart races.
I hear your voice
And I feel safer.
Closing my eyes,
I dream of a place
Where we can be,
You and me.
I hear our song
And I recall,
Just how I feel
When we're together.
The distance separates,
The stars connect.
I look up to them
Before I slumber.
And hope that you
Are looking too.
I drift in sleep
And dream of you.
Poetry usualy calls for the first word of each line to be capitalized.
Spelling is quite good. Only separates needs correction.
Punctuation needs some work. Personally, I prefer to have poetry punctuated. It is acceptable to write with no punctuation. You have used it in places and not in others. Whichever you choose, be consistant.
This is a very nice first piece here. You will be a wonderful asset to this community. It is my pleasure to offer this review for your consideration. Thank you for listening. Write on!
I see that you are new to WDC and that this is your first item here. Welcome to this place. If writing is your passion, you've come to the right spot.
Thank you for sharing this poem. I'm more of a prose person, but I can give you my impressions. Overall, your sentiment is clearly expressed. I would have only a few comments to offer for your consideration. In the second verse, "I've lost my way" sounds better.
You might want to spell out the number twenty. And I wasn't sure of your intention for the word "they." Were you refering to the twenty years, or did you mean "there are strong. . ." refering to other memories. And last, the word "strong memories" seems awkward to me. Might "nagging thoughts" be a clearer, smoother reference?
These are just my impressions and you may ignore any/all of them.
Overall, this is a very nice entree to this site. I wish you good fortune in your quest to realize your dream. Be fearless in the seeking.
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Barbs
Dear Angela,
WOW! You are making progress, girl. This is great.
Your rhyming words at the end of lines 2 and 4 in each verse are excellent. When writing poetry in verse like you have, it is good to achieve a rhythm in the reading of the piece. That means having the same number of syllables in each line. I have made some suggestions for you to consider in that regard . They bring the rhythm into an easy 5 or 6 syllable pattern that allows the reader not to stumble over a sudden shift in the rhythm when he reads it. See what you think.
Powerful sentiment here. I'm so proud of you.
Goodbye to the anger,
Goodbye to the pain,
Goodbye to the fear,
Goodbye to the shame,
Goodbye to the nightmares,
Awakening me each night.
Goodbye to the person,
For he is out of sight.
Goodbye to my shell,
To all the hurt inside.
Goodbye to the sadness.
I've come out in stride!
This poem tugged at my heartstrings and brought to mind those pets, now gone, who also gave so unselfishly of themselves.
Hopefully everyone has had such a friend in their life, and knows of what you speak.
This poem is well written and its meaning is clear. I see no errors. Thanks for sharing it.
Thank you for sharing this cute story. I have worked for 30 years as a RN and gave many injections to children for a variety of reason. Your description of the process is very good and quite typical.
Your story line is logical and proceeds smoothly. I saw no spelling or grammatical errors.
Nice write! I'll be looking for more from you. Barbs
Another sterling write. One sees it all in a hospital if one looks, keeps eyes and ears open, notices.
"There's another one down the hall dying: Maude,
Pressing herself stubbornly into the book of time,
Drying slowly, keeping her color, breathing every breath life has to offer.
Continuously attended by daughters or friends,
She is a woman rare who knows both the give and take of love."
First, welcome to WDC. Thank you for sharing this story.
Your article is well written and the story line is clear znd logical. You've used lots of good descriptors which make the scenes vivid in my mind's eye.
The text is clean znd free of errors with the exception of one typo: decoded. . .did you mean decided? Also, the sentence "Everything was gone. . .felt sunken as deeply so." seems awdward, especially the last five words. Might "felt as demoralized as I." work any better?
The other suggestion that I have is that your paragraphs will be more reader friendly if you reorganize them into shorter thought groups and separate each paragraph by a blank line. Read some other pieces on this site to get a feel for this.
Overall, this is a very nice start to your presence here. I look forward to more from you.
Dear Victoria,
Get out those bifocals, there's a typo in the second sentence. Proof positive.
This is a delightful look at what's coming for all of us gals eventually. For some, like me, we've already hit the first two speed bumps and are careening toward the last one.
A friend of mine told me, "Once you hit the big 50, it's maintenance, maintenance, maintenance." He was right.
Well written aqnd lighthearted. I can relate. . . .
Barb
Hello Raymond,
Thanks for sharing this gentle sentiment. You have conveyed this thought smoothly and in a way that allows the reader to take it in comfortably. The lines and words flow with an easy rhythm. You did a very nice job here. Thanks agzin.
Barbs
Welcome to WDC and thank you for sharing this poem.
Sentiment: Appreciation for the sacrifices that soldiers make on all our behalfs, is a laudible topic for a poem. I think that your focus wobbles a bit in this regard. Is the message how selfless their contribution to preserving freedom or why men have to fight in faraway places and how awful it is there. Lines 1,2,3,4,12,13 seem to address the former and 5,6,7,8,9,10,11, the latter.
Punctuation and grammer: Color me an old foggy here. I like to see punctuation in writing. I realize that it is acceptable to write poetry without it so no foul there. . .just my preference.
Regarding your format in all caps, it feels like you are shouting the whole poem at me. Save caps for special emphasis, the beginning of sentences, first lines of poetry, and proper nouns and adjectives, etc.
Thanks again for sharing this piece. I will be looking for more from you.
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Barbs
First, welcome to WDC. You will find many poets and poems here to study.
Regarding Rainbow Bridge, what a lovely sentiment this poemn expresses. Anyone who has had and loved a pet can surely relate to it.
Readability: The first verse rolls effortlessly off the tongue. It is smoothe and the rhymes work well. The subsequent verses are not so smoothe. I am not a poet but my sense of it is that you have tried to pack too much into them. Too many adjectives, too complete thoughts.
"when an animal friend dies
one close to you or me
their gallant spirit now awaits
reunion soon to be.
Just an example of a trimmed down verse.
The other alternative would be to flesh out the early, shorter verses. Whatever you can do to allow the reader to get into a groove and not be jolted out of it in the reading.
Spelling/Grammar: I saw no issues here.
Overall a very lovely poem. Reminds me of the numerous wonderful pet friends I've loved over the decades. Thank you for sharing it.
Dear Melted,
First, welcome to WDC.
Nice job! This is a cute piece. You developed the plot and characters in a believable way. It is written in a light style consistant with the main character. You hve a good command of the language and grammatical rules. Overall, a very nice story.
I have only two suggestions that you may wish to consider when next you edit this piece. They are:
third para of the letter: 3rd sentence: abuse of the school's
5th sentence: typo red this week.
Keep up the good work. I'll be looking for more from you.
Barbs
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