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12 Public Reviews Given
12 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by backwardsbarbie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
For a change, Father Phinnius Benedict slept peacefully until just before dawn. He awoke to the sound of the monks and nuns performing their early morning tasks. [I'd like to know what kinds of sounds these were, just to get more of a sense of the environment] Lying in the dark, on his straw-filled mattress beneath a warm cover of fleece, he marveled at how good he felt. [Perhaps an exclamation mark here]

[Love the definition in the different voices, you can really tell them apart]
       
When he closed it, he felt relieved, although confused. ['and', rather than 'although'?]

Chimneys were exceedingly [repetition of 'exceedingly'] rare and found only in the very largest shops and [the] homes of the wealthy. Fouling the air with their acrid odor, the thick plumes merged and spread across the sky to further smudge the gloomy dawn. [Such a lovely evocative phrase]      

        "Did you know she was raped?" Michael stared. "Raped and strangled, like the others?" [At the time, would they have used the word 'raped'?? Or something more like 'violated']

I really am enjoying reading this book! Looking forward to the next chapter in a minute!
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Review by backwardsbarbie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow, I literally have so few criticisms or advice to give. This chapter is beautifully, almost flawlessly, written. I am completely hooked and, since I see there's a second chapter, have every intention of going on to read that now!

There are a couple of points, in the interest of constructive criticism, which I will point out. To be honest, they are almost entirely just minor points of grammar. Things which you would no doubt have picked up on the next time you went over it. There are a couple of word choices I might change, but that may just be personal preference.

His thoughts reverted ['returned' rather than 'reverted'] to last night, and the tears shed by [the] frantic parents who [had come fearing] feared for their daughter's life.

Seemingly ['Perhaps', rather than 'Seemingly?' it just sounds smoother and more accurate, but personal preference] grateful for the rest, the dark steeds nickered and snorted [comma] dragon-like plumes of misty vapor [comma] into the chilly autumn air.

He bent down, gently laying her on the floor as one might place an infant in a crib [comma] so as not to wake it. When he arose, he found himself confronted by the gangly priest whose [add adjective e.g. tired, soft etc] blue eyes, normally so kind and accom[m]odating, narrowed and burned with flinty resolve.

Avoiding the cleric's eyes, Albert spat out the rehearsed words [comma] for which he obviously had no taste

Decorating the rich, leather-bound cover were intricate swirls ['sworls' rather than 'swirls'?] and loops of inlaid gold that glimmered like unearthly flickers of flame [full stop, remove 'as'] as his fingers brushed across the cover.

"Open it," a voice [inside his head] commanded. - If you get rid of the words 'inside his head' you can introduce them a couple of sentences later on. Just helps build up tension and suspense, creates an added mystery. Plus it's a little repetitive with the line that I'm putting below...

"He to whom you pray, Phinnius Benedict." Again, the priest clearly heard the deep and powerful voice [, though he now realised it was] within his mind.

The second voice [said], [not comma, :] "Lord Blackstone is hosting a festival this weekend to celebrate the date of his birth. You must attend [comma] in order to be sure that this book is delivered to him [full stop, remove 'and'] and presented as a gift." - No need for the word 'said', it's unnecessary and it would make the dialogue less repetitive if you got rid of a few unnecesary words here and there, make it read more smoothly.

"But," the priest raised his hand to make a point. "I've not been invited, and after the scathing [different adjective than 'scathing' because it was a little more than that] message I sent through his vassal —" [Should be three dots ...]

"Leave that to me," [the second voice interrupted.] - Again, by just removing a few words, it makes the dialogue less choppy and repetitive. The reader doesn't NEED to know exactly which voice is speaking at every point, they can surmise.

"Rise up, Phinnius. You need your rest," [the first voice advised.] - Same as above, it would be better just having one or the other introductions of the speaker.

So, as you can see, mostly the odd grammatical point. Nothing major. A few word choices I personally felt could be improved on, but that's really personal preference I suppose. A couple of minor points on rhythm etc.

I absolutely loved this chapter! I cannot wait to read the next part! You have such a great writing style and voice, the characters are very vivid and carefully drawn, and I am truly caught up in the narrative. It really does everything a first chapter ought to do!
I was making 'Dracula' comparisons throughout, to be honest, in terms of style, period etc... So I don't know if this is going to run on similar lines but I can't wait to find out.
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Review of A Cold Night  Open in new Window.
Review by backwardsbarbie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, I really liked this short story. It had a great sense of pace, great suspense, it was mysterious, and even at the end it left you wanting more. The characters seemed very real, acting and speaking in a quite believable way. Very enjoyable to read, so thank you.
There are a few things I would change, a few bits that maybe need some work. Some of my points are probably just personal preference, but, reviews requested, so here's my penny worth of thought...

'It was a cold night.' - I would put the first and second sentence together, and maybe do a quick re-write of the temperature description. It's a little disjointed, and a bit repetitive. Something like: 'It was a cold night. Not quite freezing, simply an absence of warmth. No humidity and no assaulting wind'.

'The sky was clear, and [with] a full moon glowed [ing] prominently in its center. A chorus of stars surrounded it, not all of which could be seen from inside the city. [Re-write possibly, as it could just read a little more smoothly: 'A chorus of star couldn't all be seen from inside the city' or 'A chorus of stars, only partially visible from inside the city']

'The young man sat alone. His legs hung [dangled from] off the ledge of the rooftop, swinging back and forth impatiently. He wore a plain, gray jacket. [with no hood and two pockets, into which he had tucked his hands] No hood, only two pockets--into which his hands were resting--, [cut to full stop] and a slightly worn zipper. He wore jeans [now] of a similar color, [only they were probably] originally [a] dark blue, some of which could still be seen [along the seams]. A cheap Chicago Cubs hat adorned his head.' - some of this is just grammar points, some of it's things which seem disjointed or could be put more clearly.

His ['The man's' instead of 'His', because it's a more clear way of starting the new paragraph] eyes were focused on the full moon, but his mind was elsewhere. The man ['He', so as not to be repetitive] tapped his fingers on the concrete next to him in a rhythmic pattern. [join with comma, remove 'He'] He let out a deep sigh, and his breath danced before him, [; not ,] temporarily visible in the cold [, then remove 'before'] before quickly dissipating.

On the street below [comma] [a few] cars [raced past, but they were nothing but an infrequent buzz of noise, blur of colour, and then they were gone] could be seen racing along the street, few and far between. It was late, and most of those outside wanted to get home in a hurry. The sounds below could [hardly] not be heard from the rooftop, [; not ,] not that the man would [have noticed] notice them [add 'anyway', or 'in any case' at end of line].

'access door five feet behind him [,] opening, and a figure walking out.'

The *click* *click* *click* of hard, feminine shoes finally drew his attention [delete to full stop] when it got close. He turned his head to see a girl about his age [comma] wearing a bulky hoody. She also wore a grin, one that a blind man couldn't miss if he knew her. [Rewrite sentence, something like 'her face was lit up by a grin that even a blind man couldn't miss']

"Hey." She said simply, sticking her hands in the [remove 'double-sided'] double-sided pocket sewn to the front of the sweat shirt. Her voice had a sweetness to it. [Elongate sentence, re-write, something like 'her voice had a haunting sweetness of tone' or 'her voice was captivating in its sweetness']

"Hey." The man returned the greeting, but with less than [barely not 'less than'] half as much enthusiasm. He returned his view to the moon. The woman walked forward, and [remove 'and'] took a seat on the ledge next to him. Unlike the man, however, she faced the roof itself, instead of away from it. [Add something about why?]

"What's up?" She asked, trying to keep the slight[est] hints [hint] of worry [from not 'out of'] out of her tone. The grin was still there, however. [Hanging on by a tenuous thread]

The man gripped the ledge tightly. He exhaled deeply, still looking at the Moon, as if it would have any answers for the question, other than his own. [Rewrite, something like 'as if it might hold an answer for the question which differed from his own']

"What's up?" He repeated the question, rhetorically. "What's up? 'What's up' is, I'm confused, I'm angry, I don't know what to do, and there's nobody I can ask."
[Push two sentences together]
There was an intensity to his voice now. It wasn't angry, at least not yet, but it's something that wasn't there before.

"You're sure?" The girl asked, the grin now gone. Her eyes showed genuine worry now [repetition of 'now', get rid of one of them], though that was [get rid of 'though that was'] partially because the man wasn't looking. "You're sure there's nobody you can ask at all?"


The girl spoke in a mock-indignant voice. "Me? I wouldn't have any answers for you?" She gestured to herself with her hand as she said this. "Well, quite frankly, I'm insulted!" She crossed her arms ['faking anger'] in fake anger, and looked away.

"So [comma] this is just some big joke to you? Like how everything else is?" There was [definitely] anger in his voice now, and he was looking at her. [comma, not full stop] "This is the most important thing in the world to me right now. After what happened today, everything else lost priority."

She looked away for a second. The boy [boy, or man? Does he seem like boy now because he's worried, whereas before he was man?] was slightly impatient.

His own eyes widened, his mouth opened slightly. "Is that true?" [Maybe 'is that right', not 'true', because 'is that true' might be asking her to verify the prophecy, rather than asking if she's telling the truth] He asked.

The girl simply nodded her head, not looking at him. [She wasn't looking at him now] The man looked away for a second, not sure if it was a joke. But then he thought back to what little Latin he'd picked up from just being around the woman when she had been taking the classes. [Get rid of sentence or chance to something like ' He considered what she'd said']

Except the strange man. [Add in something like, 'Apparently.' otherwise it sounds like the man knows for a good reason, no because of a gift or a prophecy or something]

He turned back to the girl, who was still looking away. He brought his hand to her chin, and gently turned it so that her face was fully visible [to him]. She looked slightly off [nervous, other descriptive term], no longer brimming with [her usual] confidence as she usually was.

The boy [man or boy?] tried to keep his jaw from hitting the street below. He thought back on everything now [remove 'now'].

His hand had never left her chin, and he was just now noticing that. He started to pull it away, slightly embarrassed, but her hand stopped his. She looked him in the eyes, her expression [remove 'now'] now blank. ['And' instead of the word'She'] She brought her face [slowly] close[r] to his.

As I've said, I really liked the story. It gripped me, was very interesting and entertaining. Mostly the things I've pointed out are grammatical points, or where the lines could run smoother. Over all, very nice though.
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