Hey there,
I am reviewing your work. "A Beautiful way to die."
I would like to take this opportunity to point out how very creative and descriptive your lines are, from beginning to end. Perfectly written and expertly selected to create balance of mood, suspense and scenery.
The story is tragic but written beautifully. I haven't selected favourite lines to demonstrate or highlight, because it is all good.
Wonderful piece that makes readers of writing.com proud.
Well done.
Keep writing.
Hey John.That was awesome. I have heard of this sale madness in America and like you, have wondered. "Is purchasing material goods, more important than Christmas spirit? And at what measure would one go? Put one's own safety on the line?
This was a very heart felt account of what it is really like. The madness and the rush, and the loss of all things Christmas and honest. You wrote this well. Your descriptions are spot on. It touched the reader and is thought provoking. Thanks for sharing tradition and the importance of Thanks Giving and Christmas. I know more about America now.
That was interesting. It was a little frightening but mostly intriguing. It would of course be scary to be alone in a house with something unnatural outside your door. It was well written. I can see it being told at a school camp to frighten children before bed time. It had a real teen feeling to it. I enjoyed it. Have some gift points.
Hey Jon,
Your story just keeps getting better and better. My 13 year old daughter would love it, as would my 9 year, almost 10 year old boy. Are children the genre your going for, though I must admit I equally love it! If I was a publisher I would publish it on the spot! You are so talented. I so hope I see it in book stores one day, or E Books is another way to sell. You descriptions are so detailed and captivating. I love the way you write. I hope others come across your talent on this site. Have you been writing long? Pardon the questions....Are you young yourself? You write like a pro. Like someone whose written for a while, and other children's writers ought to take a leaf from your book. I am so happy that you are trusting me enough to review your precious pieces.
Oh wow! How very gruesome and sad. Your descriptions of the scenery around this frightening story is so vivid that it kept me intrigued and coaxed me to keep reading. It seemed so shocking to me because it was set in such an ordinary location that so rapidly turned strange and abnormal. It was horrifying to think that this crazy sick man was luring young people into his shack and doing some terrible things to them. I imagined such terror that Allie must have felt in being in such a place.
Well done, I loved this piece. Sent splintering shivers down my spine.
I loved your piece on RIP Grandpa. The descriptions and emotions expressed with such beautiful use of words. They created the most tender of images and showed such an amazing view inside the places of the grieving. It was interesting and heart felt. The scenery captured were amazing. The way the rain was described, the trees, the floral cloth,the other people, the tears. All so wonderfully written and understood.
What a fantastic read.
I am sending along with this review some gift points for you to enjoy
Thank you for sharing.
Hey Jon,
Reviewing your wonderful piece. "The Thing Upstairs." Let me tell you, after a crummy morning, s***ty week ( Please excuse the French) It is reading great work like this that redeems it all and makes things more bearable!
Firstly on the characters: "Fantastic." MOLLY is believable. She has all the wit and energy of a young, perhaps witch, or something of a fantasy world. I like the way she moves through each scene, zipping from place to place with an exciting intriguing way that gets the reader to like her straight away! She is brave, she is matter of fact and she get's about her ordinary day which is very extraordinary for the reader. Yet there is not too much leaked about this character which means that the slow building of who she is gives time to develop, allowing the reader to want to know more.
SPRATT: I love this character as you have brought him to life. You have given an inhuman being- ( A cat) a human quality by giving him the gift of speech so that we can understand what he is saying....Or even if Molly is able to understand what he is saying or what he could say if he could talk, then we as the reader are also able to understand it, and this helps us to feel a bond between the cat and us straight away. Physical descriptions are depicted well..."Clawing the wooden table top" Oh and I absolutely love this description of how the Spratt talks: "Trickling out like warm honey...." I also love Spratt's sense of humour. "You must have better air freshener then rotten veg and bleach sent." (Please excuse that it's not written exactly as in the story)
ROGGS- The descriptions of these huge characters are interesting. You get a wonderful detail of how these creatures are. I like the way they move and what they do, and well done on using your imagination to create your own beast totally unheard of, that doesn't fit into the normal status.
The "Him Upstairs." Though little is said about him, suspicions are raised that he holds a great amount of hold over Molly as she is hunting for his food and bringing it up to him to keep him happy. Your description suggests that he is huge and enjoys large meals that are hard to satisfy. Very intriguing to find out more about him or it.
THE MAN: We see that when Spratt brings the man to Molly, that this is something completely new to Molly. Perhaps man doesn't venture to these strange parts, and so this is going to add a whole range of dynamics to the story. Maybe a pivotal character that moves all others. I have the feeling that the man seems to be smaller. physically in comparison to Molly, perhaps in Molly's world the species is a lot larger? Maybe just a thought I'm having.
LEAD UP TO PLOT AND CLIFF HANGER: This fantastic piece is a well written descriptive introduction to a very successful story. There is much going on in the little piece but is not over powering and easy to follow. It ends with Molly seeing the man, and the reader is left wondering what will happen next. Will he be a threat to Molly? Will he add some interesting differences to Molly and Spratt's already strange existence. I for one, would love to see and wish you luck with the future of your story!
Very very worth the read! Well done.
Here is some gift points.
Thanks for sharing.
Unicornstar.
Hey,
That was so sad but so well thought out and carefully laid. Emotionally charged and so raw and heart felt. I cannot flaw this. Love the way you spoke of the candle, so tenderly talking bout the going's on inside of the mother, the loneliness, the dark, the missing. This was written well. I loved it.
Hi Wow!]
This poem is very emotive and I thought it really portrayed such feelings of anger and injustice well, so thank you for sharing that.
Might I add a suggestion or two? Just a little advice perhaps, if you choose to use it.
Some spelling eras I noticed were as such: "Breathe in, and breathe out." Instead of breath in, breath out.
Also, I'm uncertain what was intended here: "Screams a than vulgar." Maybe: "Screams are more than vulgar?" Screams are then vulgar?
Some grammar concerns also: "Low flung insults I choose not to hear." As everything has been put in present tense, the word therefore should probably be choose not chose.
Also, consider. "If I had a group of my kind....
Then oh! What a war it would be." That is smoother than: then oh then a war would be.
I do like the alliteration of C's in Comments and Compliment...very clever use of words, they sound great together.
I would change the sentence " Would Force my team to choice: TO "Would force my team to make a choice..."
These are just some little things to consider if you'd like to and have the time.
I did enjoy this poem as it illustrates the causes which lead to violence and maybe perhaps restraint.
I am giving you 50 Gps to enjoy.
Dear amagrah,
I am reviewing this poem "Rejected Offspring." As requested. It is perfect and flawless. Beautiful lines throughout, perfect flow and emotional scenery setting up a really deep and strong view point. A poem which many people can relate to I think. There are so many beautiful descriptions in these well thought lines. I especially love this one: "Teen spirit turned me to anger, cloaking me in hot embrace." So very emotive. Maybe people haven't reviewed this poem as the title may not jump out at them. In the past I've changed titles of my pieces three times, to see if it made a difference and often it did....Just a suggestion, though the title's not bad. Maybe a playing of words sometimes works, like alliteration in title's, or letters that sound the same. "Never knew You,,," "Poisonous Past", lonely love....Or sometimes simply one word..."Rejected." It doesn't give away why the person is rejected and may intrigue the writer to read on.
Well all in all, a lovely, heart felt poem and I am certainly glad to have read and reviewed it.
Unicornstar.
Wow, your descriptions here are amazing. Could not stop reading! You are a master of words and a maker of emotions. So so powerful. I so want to pick some lines to highlight my likes, but every line I love. So so fantastically you write!
Well done.
Unicornstar.
Hi Amagrah,
Wow! What a piece of great work. The imagery evokes sadness, hopelessness, but then a glimmer of hope sparkles at the end, asking and waiting for help. Beautiful, easy flow, Lovely short lines. The ability to say so much using such small sharp words and sentences. To the point. I can feel everything the person feels in every line! Good use of alliteration: "Pick up my pieces." ( Last line)
Beautiful descriptive words: "Crippling pain, broken soul, Diminished light, Voice....silent." Absolutely beautiful.
So intriguing to read.
For such great work, I am awarding you some gift points to enjoy.
Thanks for sharing.
Unicornstar.
Hi,M.I. Melis:
I have read through your poem:
You have some good ideas, but clearly need to define what it is you are trying to say. Perhaps you might feel encouragement by brainstorming your ideas on a piece of paper first, choosing a theme and thinking about all the related words that fit that theme. Then you need to really concentrate on what flows well, not just for the rhyming quality. I think I know where the poem is leading, I believe you have some strong emotion that can touch the reader and so this poem has potential, however needs some editing and fine tune work. The poem captures the art of feeling some kind of pain, and persisting through it, pushing through it....I think that you have tried to show the reader about suffering and why some choose to fight the good fight although apparently their battle is already lost...." That's what I perceive from the poem. All this is from my experience as a writer, giving advice to you, of what in the past has helped me. The more you write, the better you get, so never give up on what you love to do, and I commend you for putting yourself out there. Read widely, other writer;s work on this site, participate in writing activities and join writing groups where others read their work and you read theirs. This site is a good place to start.
Face to face groups work well as you not only see what people write, but you see them in person as well. You get a feel for the person behind the work. You will learn in time that there are some very descriptive words and sentences that can add volume to your writing if used to their full advantage.
Keep writing. Unicornstar.
Alyssa,
I liked your little piece. Very descriptive and truthful. Brave girl. It does hurt to graze your knees and other areas of skin. You described it so well that I was stinging myself. That is what marks a well written piece from another. The ability to touch the reader so that they feel connected to the character that is being written about, to compel a person to feel the pains and emotions that the character feels, and relate to them as though they were the character.
My children fall off their scooters and I run to them to assess the damage. Bravely they say. "I'm ok." Inside their probably crying, cause scratches and bumps sting.
Wonderful use of expressive words like: "Oozing, open wounds, zooming, "Squint your eyes, barely seeing anything at all, what a rush."
Well done, because you appear young but have the makings of a successful writer, worth publishing some day! Practice makes person.
Welcome to our site and best of luck!
Unicornstarxxxxx
Your story "Holding On." Was so well written. The words so so descriptive and sensitive that it built up emotion as it went on. Powerful characters and the true ability of showing the reader the story instead of just telling it. This was such a wonderful piece! Sad but truthfully written. So real! Got me wondering whether your life was touched by such a disease in some way, as was my Nonna's many years ago.
I liked this piece so much that I am giving you full ratings and sending on some gift points for you to enjoy.
Firstly, if you drew the picture, wow! Congratulations. Someone who can draw as well as write, what a gift!
Your carefully chosen words create such strong imagery in your poetry, that intrigues the reader from the beginning. I believe your story is one of "time." If I'm not wrong, it is about the way in which time is so quickly taken from us, and somewhat unmercifully.
These lines, particularly struck me as winners: "With each blow, with each driven nail, he chooses a soul to share the pain." Also: "Souls hang on the pathways he has made....Each yielding the semblance of light.."
So many, many more of your lines are filled with descriptive, strong words that create terrifying images. It is great the way you can transport the reader into another place and time. It is like I literally felt everything that was being described throughout the poem,
I really enjoyed reading it and finding such an easy format and structure to follow. The flow seemed spot on, as did the rhyme.
If there's any advice to give, and that would be few, perhaps to me, I was wondering whether the evil laughing character in this story was just "time." Or was time some sinister creature that enjoyed taking lives because of his own bitter life, never being able to enjoy light.....Oh and just a teensy bit interested in finding if I understood that this Time monster gets in the way of the time ticking over to a new year, so every new year's he takes a life to end their life because? he feels that he cannot have light or the next day, so why not have them live in darkness like him? Am I on the right track or have I completely stuffed up?
Anyway, all in all a great poem, good job.
Unicornstar.
I like this poem because I am a hopeless romantic that happens to have a thing for happy endings. This poem delivers all those needs and ticks all the boxes for me. Well done, I really liked it.
That was such an interesting piece, my new friend on Writing.com. No matter the religion, the faith, or any aspect of one's life, clearly to laugh, to have laughter is universal. Whatever path you are on, whoever moves you to the direction that you are now, it is important to laugh and live life to the full!
Life is already so full of the serious, the mundane, the ordinary. It's good to be a little quirky, perhaps a little crazy at times, and I have known to make the quietest of my daughter's friend's laugh so much that the milk they were drinking came out of their nostrils! Hmm, it is great to have that affect on people.
Now some call it the creator, the divine, the path and to believe in something is better than having no belief at all. Something that makes you laugh is perfect, because you are saying that you are happy, that you are right with the world. Too many gatherings, spiritual or otherwise are often dulled down by the mundane. The need to put on a front, an act. That is sad, I take my hat off to people like you, who have no need to hide who they are and your character is surely a strong one, one that seems sure of herself. This is all very positive and will spread out to the people you meet.
The fact that we breathe is reason to be grateful every day! Why not laugh? I do and I agree with you entirely. It is so important to share your natural ability to share joy.
I loved your piece, it was so interesting and honest and gave me insight into a different lifestyle which I never knew I could relate to.
Thank you, keep laughing.
Unicornstar.
That was a beautiful, amazing poem! I particularly liked the ending. "That day the sleeping tigers shall awaken from my garden. the scars appear and I will drown again."
How magical and wonderful that you were able to put life into your feelings in such a unique way! Describing fear, ( Waking tigers) like the reality of waking from a really good dream. I love this poem and wish you well!
I loved this poem because it was so deep and meaningful without being too sickly sweet. Just the kind of love poem I like. I absolutely love the way you wrote that you were in a void and had been saved by a woman. There's something to be said about a person that admits this and is not too proud to share these emotions here on writing.com. Your poem is clearly different to to the others I've read in this contest. It was so beautiful and descriptive. It not only spoke about the way love made you feel but you used the softest of words to describe this so uniquely. Your poem was more than just simply being a nice little rhyme that could be put on any Valentines card then forgotten about. This was filled with raw emotions, something with meat that you can sink your teeth into!
I especially liked the way you described the woman, the way you made this beautiful creature come to life! "Then she appeared, Her hair flowed, gorgeous smile, angel that picked me up! ( Beautiful, amazing descriptions) I love the use also of alliteration, ( Solitariness subsided)
There is much, so much I love about this poem. To me, it has all the qualities of putting one's heart out there, of the rescuing of a lonely soul! It appealed to my senses immensely from the very first line and so, I'm awarding you gift points for encouragement and will definitely be looking up your port to read more.
Hi Drifter,
Thank you for sharing such an inspirational piece. It is sometimes in stumbling and losing our way that we find God. Truly, like the bible says. "Knock and the door shall be opened to you....." You certainly did. You called for God and he answered. This piece definitely speaks of hope, searching and triumpth, which you have done so well. You've added also, the pesronal touch of family's influence and their journey thus far.
A fantastic read, Drifter. I am awarding you some gift points too.
Very lovely and informative piece which one can learn a lot from. I think also, in terms of forgiveness, ( To me) I learned the hard way that on earth, here amongst other humans, that forgiveness does not mean to accept what has been done to us but to move on. It is about not holding onto grudges or trying to get back at those that have done us wrong. It's about silently understanding that someone has cut you deeply, hurt you beyond belief and broken your trust beyond measure. Yet, you will not let another day go by of these feelings festering inside of you, You will not let it shape you into the person you are today. Being hurt deeply many times, I realize that I cannot and will not sit around waiting for someone who has wronged me to say sorry because often these people have a problem with admitting their failures. Often these people don't even know they've done something wrong and have already gone off to do other things. Sadly, wrong doers seem to get over this quickly whilst they leave their spilled baggage of their bitter gifts behind.
In short though, I think of Jesus when he was on the cross. Right at the bitter end, he looked up to the heavens and said. "Father forgive them, they know not what they do." You know, if a person stopped to think what it is they are doing and if they put themselves into someone elses shoes for a minute, they may never go through with saying those harmful words or doing those terrible acts. Yet we are only human and God is the only supreme forgiver....Yes you are right by believing in the fact that if we try to give of our best to others and forgive others around us then we will be closer to God and be with him forever, we will see the ultimate forgiver and all will be well.
I really liked your piece because it is a topic seldom talked about. Well done! Only suggestions, if you like. Swap the word Persons, to people.
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