I like the repetition of this, it varies the type of headlines as the subject's life gets more difficult/changes, which is very clever. It also gives the piece balance, which makes the poem structured. The theme isn't touched on terribly often, which makes this more interesting then the typical poetic direction (love, pain etc.). I think my favorite line would be "split" because it's just enough to make the reader realize in all of this the subject has gone through some heartbreak as well, but it has not been dwelled upon to the point it becomes a tiring topic.
Excellent.
Keep writing,
Nina
This illustrates your setting in a gloriously atypical way that really captures a reader. I was completely ensnared in the scenes you painted here, as the line "The moon, fat and yellow as a summer squash..." immediately had me hooked. My only suggestion to you would be to continue writing, as your work is inspiring.
This poem was a delightful read. It made my day a little brighter reading it, and as hopefully a one day illustrator for children's books it inspires me to go sketch out such a cute scene. Keep writing always.
The repetition here stresses her struggle, but I believe 'she' wasn't always needed and could have even been dropped some lines. The first stanza is my favorite, because the repetition there isn't tiresome. the flow was decent and the vocabulary used added a lot to the piece.
The rhyme of this is NOT cheesey or cliched in any way, which is refreshing. So many poems can sound forced when one decides to include a rhyme scheme, meaning you have talent in crafting your words. The whole tone of the poem is very tranquil to me and I feel every reader can get that wave of emotion imagining themselves enjoying a hot beverage and reminiscing.
First hand the line "as far as the eye can see, which is not far" made me giggle, I love poetry that can have both beautifully crafted lines as well as this element.... Anyhow, the imagery of this piece is profound and unique. I am deeply inspired to keep writing because of this poem, excellent work.
You captured a fear of change very well. The vocabulary at points but I feel what I've read you could have done a lot more with this. When you use words like 'elated' it captures interest, but when 'excited' is used twice it brings down the quality of your writing a tad. I also recomend revising lines such as: "because you really went away longer ago than that." it seems to be a confusing wording. With poetry you want to find new tactics vocabulary to express day to day emotions. I see potential in your writing.
Sweet and to point, yet you rearranged the way this would normally be worded (mainly in the first line) It leaves more of an impact in that aspect I do believe. Like.
Very good visuals here. "Your gray hair you may now stroke" really strikes me as a great line that compliments the next line: "In your new employment." perfectly. It just flows.
Nice, quirky twist at the end. I would really love to see flash fiction of yours that's a few paragraphs longer, that gives the same form of unexpectedness that this story did. (Granted after reading this I probably will browse your work looking for more chuckles)
I love that the end this poem is humorous. This is both a fantastic visual, and a quirky tale of being cursed with allergies. " the hues a gift of tearing eyes. " is my favorite line, even though I didn't exactly get its relavence to rainbows. Not knocking you down after putting you on a pedestal, I'm just intrigued to know this line's meaning, as it was executed beautifully.
"So you cannot dance upon my bloody muscle", I am an artist and you can put lines like this into an image so easily. Even though this poem isn't something I would consider my taste, you expressed yourself well.
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