Well, I'm not going to lie. Review this particular item is not going to be easy. However I agree with the authors sentiment. This is a great site with a plethora of tools, documents, articles and willing members to provide help and feedback. FREE.
I myself will be looking into the paying membership at some point this year. However for now I am more than happy with everything Writing.com enables me to do for FREE!
So I will take this opportunity to thank you and everyone else involved in the engine room that is Writing.com. Without you this site won’t be possible and all of us would just be one more writer\poet\storyteller floundering in a sea of misspelled words.
A interesting story and place where we have all been in our lives. Falling in love and the person who we so yearn for don’t notice or is unable to reciprocate.
Your story flows nicely and I could feel the pain and confusion he was going through.
Please see my corrections in brackets below please not that all my corrections are suggestions only. I do not want to change the author’s voice or style.
Repeating it over and over. And over. (Try instead Repeating it over and over…and over.)
Check your excerpt for unnecessary filler word like THAT. You can cut them by half and tighten up the story.
THAT= 33 times
You start a few sentences with AND. Cut the AND’S
barely seeing myself in the bathroom mirror I faced,(CUT I faced. We already know you are looking at the mirror)
"Hello?" My usual brisk, businesslike(HYPHEN or SPACE) bark fails me,
Nothing on the other end of the line at all for a(CUT a) what
I swing my lags(LEGS) over the edge
Funny enough I have written a very similar story called Love Limbo that can be found on my BIO if you are interested. Well done with the story and good luck with the rest of your writing!
W.G.
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