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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/babyblues
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2 Public Reviews Given
19 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by daydreamer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sarahfitz,

I really liked reading this piece. I was first captured by the style of the directions and the mile markers. That's a clever approach! Even the signage along the way goes with the themes of each section.

And I really like how you brought out the theme of water-- everything from tears, to the icy bridge, to his sweat, to the time spent growing up at the Ligthhouse. I think your pacing and escalating emotion are right on.

I love how you take the reader back to being a child at the river with her cousins! I have similar memories, and I would venture to say that is a universal idea. And so is starting over after hearthache... unfortunatly.

One minor point: I would edit the spacing between paragraphs, or indent, so that it is easier to read.

A tightly, cleverly written short story with excellent word choice! Good work!

Write soon and often-- you're talented!
Daydreamer
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Review of Three Hours  Open in new Window.
Review by daydreamer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Geri,

I like this. It is honest and real. I liked how the characters have no names so that they can be Anyone. A very common experience for married people. I like the deep internal conflict within the woman that is not resolved. I like the sense of danger or adventure, which is what she is attracted to as well, that is present outside.

I think if you were to go back and critically look at your pacing and word choice, especially in the third paragraph, you could heighten the emotion. You could really put the reader at the will-she-or-won't-she stage!

Is there a particular reason you did not use direct dialogue? Sometimes that helps the reader connect to the characters. Though, if your intent is to keep the focus on her, then actual dialogue might take the reader out of her internal struggle. I found at times it hard to tell what she spoke and what she thought. You could use italics. Also, I woudl conside using the semicolon at times. I'm not big on critiquing mechanics, so don't take it as a huge thing. You could improve the whole thing with punctuation detail, though.

I enjoyed reading this. Especially, when I wonder what your main charcter would think of Kate in my story "At The Edge". Do they have similar views on womanhood? If you do more with this piece, I'd like to read it! Good work.

Write soon and often,
Daydreamer
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