I enjoyed the story. You have some talent at description but it needs to be refined a bit, to add credibility. For example: "Meat juices slithered down his chin." Wouldn't there be meat juices if the hamburger was hot, or even raw?
Another example: "Fear ran cold down his veins..." Wouldn't the fear run through his veins?
Puntuation needs some work also. For example: "Move boy, barked Officer Champs lifting his foot to nudge at the still body of the boy!"
Would be better as: "Move, boy!", barked Officer Champs, lifting his foot to nudge at the child's still body.
I'm not a pro at this - this being my first review - so take it for what it's worth.
I did enjoy the story.
Enjoyed the story. You have a talent for description but it needs to be refined a bit, to add credibility. For example: "Meat juices slithered down his chin." Meat juices would be credible if the burger was hot or even raw. Another example: "Fear ran cold down his veins..." Wouldn't it be better if the fear ran through his veins? I must say, though, the talent is there.
Also, punctuation needs some work. Example: "Move boy, barked Officer Champs lifting his foot to nudge at the still body of the boy!"
Would be better this way. "Move, boy!", barked Officer Champs, lifting his foot to nudge at the child's still body.
I'm not a pro at this so take it for what it's worth. I did like the story.
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