I loved this story! It sounds as if it were true, but I don't want to assume that it is lol I am new to this site and just figuring out how to review in my own way. So far, I like to take examples from the piece and modify them to show my meaning. I don't mean any offense or anything like that, it's just how it is for now. Anyway, this was a great story and I loved the details. I don't say that often, either. I love detail and description, I think it adds so much to the story. Maybe you could work on getting the emotions across a bit better, but I don't know how to tell you to do that, just to bring it to your attention. Here are two examples of something I felt was off in this story, however.
My brain swung into gear the phrase 'let's try this again' burst into my mind and my heart lurched a little, but whilst I was trying to work out whether I could genuinely cope with the idea she added, “But I don't mind if you're involved.”
(This seems a bit like a run-on sentence and the beginning doesn't make much sense. I would suggest something like, "As my brain swung into gear, the phrase 'let's try this again,' burst into my mind and my heart lurched a little. However, whilst I was trying to work out whether I could genuinely cope with the idea, she added, 'But I don't mind if you're involved." Also, something I noticed through out this piece was the lack of correct grammar. Not spelling, but using commas and semi colons mainly. These things can help break up a sentence and make it far easier to read.)
We kept it simple, when she was free, Jennifer would come and spend the odd weekend; from time to time we'd go out as a triple.
(Here's an example of the semi colon I was just talking about. My advice would be to do something like this, "We kept it simple; when she was free, Jennifer would come and spend the odd weekend with us. From time to time, we'd even go out as a triple." In this case, I just feel the semi colon isn't used in the correct place to help the flow of the sentence. I, personally, love long, descriptive sentences. However, sometimes you need to break them up to help the reader understand and be more willing to continue reading. It would be tragic to have a master piece of literature, then have no one read it because it took too much effort to follow. Anyway, those are the main things I saw and wanted to bring to your attention. I hoped this helped you, at least somewhat lol
-A.J.H. |
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