Wow! What a great story! You're quite good with descriptive words.
Just a couple of small things: in this sentence, "The drive to Lake Erie was like closing a book - a really s***ty book, and placing it back on the shelf." The metaphor misses the mark in my opinion. I went into that sentence expecting to hear how the drive was like an oasis in the desert and you flipped the whole thing on its head. I just think, given the quality of your writing, that you are capable of much better.
Also saw a few mistakes that careful editing would fix, i.e. either omitted, incorrect, or extra words as in "and she was attending the three days a week."
Aside from these minor issues, you write really well and it was fun reading this and wondering how it was gonna end.
What a delightful short story! Even though there's not much to it in terms of word count, it still manages to say quite a lot.
When I read the line, 'And sometimes if I dig and dig under the sandpit I can see the stars under the ground' I hear a question mark at the end of it. But that is a very subjective comment, so take it for whatever it is worth to you.
Nicely written, easy read with good flow. I guess it still holds true that good things DO come in small packages. Lovely piece. Write on!
I was curious about these 100-word pieces. By their very nature, they are succinct--but this one absolutely told an entire story which I was doubtful it could do in so few words. I especially enjoyed the "twist" of him finding his wife being unfaithful in the very house he chose to burglarize.
I think of pieces like this as what I call quiet humor. No slapstick, no guffaws-and-belly-laughs humor--just one sneakily comical mental image after another. I chuckled each time yet another cute-in-small- groups (except for the snakes, of course) creature was added to the mix.
And your story within a story was certainly not your run of the mill, sitting-around-the-campfire-ghost-story but every bit as effective as those--at least in terms of nightmare-inducing potential. Said potential was, however, quickly diffused by the no-nonsense mom's scolding of Grandad.
I thoroughly enjoyed every bit of it!--and LOVED the punchline ending!
Wonderful prose! I could drown in your descriptions and die a happy woman.
I could actually feel Penny's blush as you meticulously described it, hear the beep of the register, and feel the perplexing conflagration of emotions felt by this young man as he experienced Penny's commanding presence. Seems he wants her but doesn't want to want her.......delicious contradiction and, yes, irony.
How sad! Just illustrates how things don't always turn out the way you'd like or expect them to. Nice that you're still so concerned and caring even now. It's situations like these that help me do things today that, left undone, I will regret tomorrow.
I would change the title. It too freely offers up the punchline so the reader sees it coming. If you don't want to change the title, then at least make it match her quote exactly! I must say that I think coming up with a different title would make the ending more of a surprise and, therefore, funnier.
Also be careful of your word choice. With words you don't use frequently, check to make sure they have the meaning you intend to convey. There are several words throughout the piece that don't deliver the meaning I believe you intended for them to.
Funny essay with a nice, long build-up to the abrupt and humorous ending.
I love the overall flow of your poem. Nice imagery.
Two things to watch out for--unnecessary shifts in tense, and reaching too hard or far just to achieve rhyme. If you miss out on a rhyme, you can compensate for it through the rhythm of your words.
Write on!
Awordqueen (Deedra)
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/awordqueen
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 5:09am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
