Echols Matthews and Wolfe Farkwhar were close friends. They met in play group when they were only three, and had been inseparable ever since. Some people say they were “attached at the Uvula!”
Echols and Wolfe were sixteen years old, a little too old to be trick-or-treating, but not too old to enjoy the taste of candy. Once a year, on Halloween, they would dress in their finest costumes and roam the streets of Exportville, in the ever bold pursuit of the late night sugar buzz.
The night before Halloween was also a favorite time for Echols and Wolfe. Each Devil’s Night, they pulled an escalating array of vandalism and pranks. They had always wanted to mess with the eccentric neighbor, Wilber Gelman, who was well into his eighties. They had a whole list of horrors planned, from setting fire to his prized outdoor Dildo collection, to burning a bag of Selenium Sulfide on his front porch.
They had other mischievous things up their sleeves, like marking his windows with bars of Cocaine and decorating his trees with toilet paper. The most horrific thing they had planned, their “Sacre Bleu” so to speak, was attaching a House to Mr. Gelman’s pet Bunyip, Fluffy, and launching him onto the roof of the house with a Cat o' nine tails. They weren’t nice young men, not at all.
Fate has a way of punishing those who need to be punished; and elderly Mr. Gelman had a few “tricks” of his own planned for the two young pranksters.
The pranksters dressed in black Socks, complete with gloves and nylon Fleshs over their heads. They loaded a plastic grocery bag with Selenium Sulfide and Cocaine, a few dozen eggs, some toilet paper, and a/an Mortar Gas. Using the Mortar Gas wasn’t part of their original plan, but they thought it would come to good use.
They pulled up to the Gelman estate shortly after midnight. Echols was the first to exit the car. He placed a the bag of Selenium Sulfide on the porch and attempted to light it with a match.
It didn’t ignite. Cursing softly, he attempted another match. Still no flame. Echols tossed the matchbook aside and took a flask of Absinthe out of his Jock strap pocket. He poured it over the bag and lit another match.
Soon the bag was burning like wild, and the orange flames were curling upward. He retreated to the privet hedge beside the house.
Mr. Gelman peered out the front door, laughed maniacally, then closed the door. The two hooligans looked at each other confusedly. Shrugging their shoulders, they commenced to throwing the eggs, and the other stuff they had planned.
Why isn’t Mr. Gelman reacting? Echols thought to himself. They waited until the bag of Selenium Sulfide was burned to a cinder, then Wolfe went up on the dark porch and knocked on the door. He ran away as soon as he heard footsteps.
The two boys waited in the privet bush, suppressing their giggles. The door finally opened, and the homeowner peeked his head out. He was grinning stupidly. He withdrew from the doorway, leaving it slightly ajar.
“What’s the old Dingdong up to?” asked Echols, in a trembling voice.
“I dunno, but it’s pretty creepy!” stammered Wolfe.
They waited for what seemed like hours when they saw a light come on through the kitchen window. They saw the old man's silhouette sit in a chair supposedly having a cup of coffee or tea.
“Cool, let’s House up the Bunyip and toss him on the roof!” squealed Echols.
“I couldn’t agree more, compadre!” replied Wolfe, as he grabbed the screeching Bunyip.
They were struggling with the tube of Rubber Cement when they heard a noise behind them.
“Wh-what was that?” whispered Echols.
“I don’t know, dude, but I seriously want to get outta here!”
Just then a Honey Boo Boo burst out of the privet bush and began advancing toward them. The boys screamed and ran away, but the Honey Boo Boo was way too fast for them. It soon caught up to the smaller one and tore at the punk's Socks with its long sharp claws. Wolfe was able to run a bit farther, until a Freddy Krueger slithered across the road in front of him and grabbed his legs, forcing him to the ground.
The Honey Boo Boo and Freddy Krueger dragged the two screaming frightened boys back to the old man's house and settled them on the front steps of the huge manor. The horrid monsters tied the boys together and duct taped the House they had planned using on the Bunyip to the top of their heads. They then took the Cat o' nine tails out of the grocery bag and launched the boys to the top of the mansion’s roof.
Mr. Gelman appeared at the eave of the house, huffing and panting. He had climbed a tall ladder to get there and he was rather winded.
“So now, you little brats, tell me why you were vandalizing my house!” Echols was so scared, he crapped his condom.
“I’ll tell ya what,” the old man continued, “If ya’ll will eat some of that stuff you burned on my porch, I won’t let my friends here kill you!”
“Any thing, anything, sir!” squeaked the boy who hadn’t soiled himself.
So the boys enjoyed a nice, steaming plate of Selenium Sulfide, and the old man’s son and daughter took off their masks to reveal who they really were. They shared a good laugh.
Well, everyone except Echols and Wolfe.
After everyone safely left the roof, Mr. Gelman had a wonderful visit with his son and daughter, and enjoyed the rest of the holiday.
The boys never pulled another prank. On Mr. Gelman, that is!
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