\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/autumns
Review Requests: OFF
4 Public Reviews Given
4 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Sphinx  Open in new Window.
Review by AutumnS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like it, the rhythm, the flow and the consistency in the thought. It's easy to follow and I like the way the "p's" resonate through the piece (no pun intended).
2
2
Review by AutumnS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi John!
I was drawn to your piece primarily because I read Martin, Tolkien and the like and was drawn to the idea of a novel set in medieval times.
With that being said, I recognize your talent. You have a clear strong voice and are able to give a nice sense of peasantry in your dialogue. I love the line about the wrath of women--very nice!
In the first couple of lines I would ask that you make it very clear who the speakers are as I was stopped by that and had to go back and re-read to clarify it for myself. (Part of this could be the problem with the formatting which could be a writing.com thing.)
Unless Raff is going to end up being our hero, I'm not sure his name says "peasant farmer" to me. (Skyheart sounds more like a warrior than a peasant). Consider either refining your character (making him worthy of the name) or, if he's not our hero, try a different moniker.
The presence of "the box" grabs your reader's attention, but I was imagining a much larger item, when I found it had earrings I had to change the way I saw it in my head. It's another small detail to consider giving your reader early on.
Omit most of your -ly words (eerily, finally, excessively) your writing is strong enough, they aren't necessary.
The line about Raff not being bright but not being stupid is author intrusion and a showing/telling issue. I was getting from his language and his wife that Raff might not be such a smart guy, you could easily omit that sentence.
All in all, a great piece, it was a joy to read and I wish you the best.
2 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/autumns