Your story was beautiful. I got tears in my eyes at the last line. Throughout the piece, you do an amazing job of painting a vivid picture of the protagonist's inner and outer worlds. I like that the magic to calming the dog was in gentleness; that moment felt very poignant.
Only a couple of small things caught my attention, and I hope you don't mind if I offer a little constructive criticism. I love that you started the story in a story-teller-spinning-a-yarn style, but the second line felt a little awkward and I stumbled the first time reading it. I feel like if you replaced "It was on my birthday" with "It happened on my birthday" it might run a little more smoothly and maybe even enhance the story-teller vibes. Also, in the second sentence of the second paragraph, there is no need for the second instance of the words cars. Obviously, the suggestions are super nit-picky, but that's because the rest of the story ran together so well and I don't have any further thoughts on how it could be improved.
Thank you for the lovely, uplifting story! I'm glad you decided to share it.
Congrats on the cramp win! I really liked this story, you did an excellent job with the prompt. Jack is a strong character, far more clever than he realizes, and very likeable. Miles is well done as well, and the quick details about Jack's mother paint a vivid picture. Great characterization and dialogue.
My only criticism is that the beginning is a bit abrupt. I'm sure it's just because of the word count limit, but if you wanted to come back to this story post-contest, beefing up the beginning with a bit of "showing" would do a lot to strengthen the story and grab the reader's attention.
I hope my thoughts are helpful to you! This was a very fun read, and I appreciate you sharing it.
This is really cool! There are so many interesting elements to this story, and Ignatia is such a compelling character. You've indicated a lot of character growth for her in this short story, and to me it almost reads like a first chapter, like this incident sparks a change in Ignatia where she grows more in tune with her feelings and learns about socializing and such. There's so much potential!
As for the story itself, the end was shocking in such a good way because even though it was extreme it worked with the story. I do think it could be better supported with a bit more slowness and detail about both the surroundings and Frida's feelings as they discover the ruined village, and Ignatia processing what this means. I also felt a similar impression at the beginning, like the story would have started stronger if it began with a paragraph that set the scene for the reader a bit before jumping right into dialogue. Or maybe just a sentence, but some visual cue before the spoken words would have helped ease me into the story.
The vibe between the characters is strong and believable, and I like them both. Heck, I already feel like I could follow them for a novel. The character development is strong and the emotions feel right. I also like the style of your writing.
I hope my comments were helpful! I enjoyed your story very much, thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your story! I enjoyed it, so I figured I'd share a few thoughts. First off, your characters are very well-written. I felt a bit of disbelief at the woman's reactions to the man at first, but you created a character that these reactions made sense for. You also managed to make the narrator quite likeable despite his very obvious flaws, which is hard to do. There is a lot of complexity to these characters, and it's a huge strength in your writing. The dialogue is also extremely well done and believable, and does a good job keeping the reader engaged and pacing the story.
If I may offer a bit of constructive criticism, I feel like a bit more description in the opening paragraph would help to set the stage for the reader. As much as "hang over dialed" is a clever turn of phrase, it seems to me as a reader that I would like to feel more of the main character's hangover pain and see more of their surroundings. What does his home look like? What physical sensations exist in his body? How can these aspects of his life create a deeper connection between reader and character?
Anyway, these were just the thoughts of one reader. I hope they were helpful! Thanks for sharing the story, I genuinely enjoyed reading it.
I definitely felt an involuntary smile tugging at my lips as I read this. The humor is well done and kept me engaged through the vignette. I particularly enjoyed the image of the lady zigzagging through the parking lot.
One thing that could help strengthen this piece is grouping the sentences into paragraphs. Making each sentence its own paragraph messes with the flow of the words for me as a reader, and breaking the text into chunks describing each separate scene would help to structure the experience. I also think adding a bit more detail about the appearance of the people could help to make the comedy even stronger, since this would add to the funny mental image you've already created.
Thank you for sharing this story! I needed the smile, and found it genuinely enjoyable.
What a sweet story! Thank you for sharing this, I really enjoyed reading about Velcro and Mace, and I'm happy everything turned out alright in the end.
I assume from the writing style that this is nonfiction. The humor in it sets the tone and makes it a fun read. The narrator is personable, and I enjoy their attitude and style. I would like to see more about the part of the story where the narrator has to free Mace from the wall. That seems like it could be a whole story in itself!
As far as criticism, I feel like perhaps the story would benefit from a bit more "show don't tell," especially in the beginning when discussing the decision to get a cat and the kids' reactions. Invoking the senses to convey information could help to brighten up the writing even more.
Thanks again for the fun read! I hope my comments were helpful to you
I enjoyed reading your story. The characters were engaging, and I liked the way you organized the writing; showing each character's perspective, and ending each section with the title of the piece. It felt very well done and gave the story a nice, cohesive rhythm.
As far as criticism, I have to say that I would have liked more detail about the setting and what's going on around the characters to really immerse the reader.
Thanks for the read! I hope my thoughts are helpful to you.
You've painted a lovely picture in very few words, and captured the spirit of Kurt Vonnegut beautifully. I always loved how he would describe artists as disappearing into their art, and you've gotten that vibe across very well here. The second sentence is gorgeously constructed.
If I may, I'd like to offer some criticism concerning the first sentence. In my opinion, "moonlight spotlight" interrupts the flow. The rest of the vignette has a musical feel, and this feels like an aberration in the rhythm. I also found "lighting her up in an otherwise lightless bedroom" to be disruptive to the flow of the vignette. Perhaps it was the use of the word "light" in four iterations in the same sentence that made it feel odd to me.
These are just my impressions as a reader, and I offer them in the hopes that they are helpful to you. Again, you did a great job with this piece.
I found this story in the writer's cramp forum, and I loved it! The opening sucked me in, the characters were developed well in a very short time, you did a great job of building suspense, and I liked the twist at the end. If you decide to revisit it, a bit more about the woman's aloof behavior at the bar might be interesting, as well as further details in general. Awesome tale, though, especially with the word count limit. Thanks for the story!
I enjoyed your story, and wanted to share some thoughts. Trent's perseverance and determination made him an interesting character, and I thought you did a great job with showing these qualities. It made him someone whose adventures I wanted to follow. I also like that you didn't end it in the expected way, but rather showed him contented with his hard work as opposed to focused on the results.
In my opinion, varying the sentence and paragraph lengths and styles (especially in the beginning) would make this a smoother read. A little more detail would be nice as well. I had pictured Trent as a younger teen until his friend Felix pulled up in a car. I was also unclear as to whether he was doing archery as an after school activity or at a camp or country club, and only decided it must be the last of these when his parents mentioned playing tennis. I was also unsure of what you meant early on when stating that his arrow "joined the crowd." My first thought was that it went wild and went into the crowd of spectators. Maybe adding a bit more detail as to the visual array of arrows on the ground would help the reader to paint a clearer picture in their mind.
The plot moved along at a good pace, and I enjoyed following Trent's journey from student to teacher, all the while doggedly practicing this new interest. I also liked the meddling parents. They were a nice touch, and pretty realistic.
Thanks for the story! I hope my review was helpful to you.
This was great! I got a kick out of the seriousness of the start, followed by the wildcard ending. The first paragraph was fantastically done. You drew me right in with the detailing of how much the main character went through to get to this opening point of the story.
I have a few nit-picky thoughts. In your opening description of Cutter and his smile, you use the phrase "a thing," which feels vague and filler-like. Perhaps substituting this with, "an expression," might make the sentence a bit stronger.
The word is is missing in the sentence, "a cause as popular as it is just."
Other than that, a bit more detail as far as setting might strengthen this piece, but considering it's flash fiction, that's not terribly necessary. The story itself was a lot of fun. Thanks for sharing this piece!
I appreciated your review, and decided to stop by your portfolio to return the favor
I loved this story! It's so sweet and concise, and the bit of mysticism suggested is just right. The shopkeeper is well characterized by his actions, and has a bit of the feeling of fae about him. Just a bit quirky and magical.
I'd like to offer a suggestion, but it's definitely just my opinion. I feel like condensing the first two paragraphs into one, and changing the order of the sentences would ease the transition of the reader into the story, as they would know the object the exclamation is referring to. As it stands, the first sentence feels a little disembodied.
The premise of the story is fantastic, and if you were interested in expanding, it would be awesome to see more detail of the shop, and more about the shopkeeper's appearance. There's so much possibility for this piece. As it stands, you did a fantastic job with the allotted 300 words.
Thank you so much for the great read! It definitely left this reader with the warm fuzzies.
Hey again! I figured I'd check out one of your stories since we've been chatting, and I'm so glad I did. This is fantastic! You did so much with the allotted three hundred words. The characters are so strong and well developed. I love your man-child-genius, your assistant-mother, and the dynamic you created between them. The image of Mr. Alexander scurrying off to the cockpit was delightful!
I have no criticism to offer, just wanted to let you know this was awesome. I'll be back for more!
I found your piece on the plug page, and would like to offer some thoughts.
This is a very short, sweet little slice of life, and the two characters are clearly in love. As a reader, I would like to know more about the characters themselves. I was left wondering why she asked the question, as her partner wondered the same thing and never got their answer. More details would go a long way.
I am not sure what else you might be looking for as far as a review, but if you want feedback on anything specific, please do let me know.
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