Hello!
My comments and suggestions are below. Please remember that they are only one reader’s opinions, and that they were made with the intention of being helpful . Feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish!
Comments
Wow! That was quite the biographical piece! I guess it's true what they say, that sometimes it takes a dramatic, life-changing experience for us to get behind the wheel and take control of our own lives. I've noticed (between this piece and the last of your I reviewed) that you have quite a flair for biographical writing. That takes talent--making it both interesting to the reader and getting your story out. Great job!
Rating
As always, thanks for sharing your piece and good luck with your future endeavors!
Hello!
My comments and suggestions are below. Please remember that they are only one reader’s opinions, and that they were made with the intention of being helpful . Feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish!
Grammar
Everything looks grammatically sound to me!
Readability
Your words flow very nicely together, and you combine the right amount of description with good diction.
Suggestions
I wish I had some for you, but I enjoyed this piece as it is.
Final Comments
I'm only 19 years old, so I'm part of the "young" generation, and have often heard my parents tell stories similar to yours. It is sad how our nation as a whole has seemed to take a turn for the worse. But, like you said in this piece, I also believe that most people are inherently good, and this belief is constantly reinforced by the people I interact with every day.
I especially liked the part about knowing when your cat's peeved at you. I know the feeling.
Rating
As always, thanks for sharing your piece and good luck with your future endeavors!
PLOT
The plot was unique in itself. I haven't found many stories in the historical fiction genre on this website, and yours contained a plot that was both correct in its historical references and interesting to the reader. The main line of the plot centered around Kent escaping from the Russians, AND Kent's actions contributed to the direction of the plot as well.
PACE
I enjoyed the pace because of its quickness. Your writing seemed to fit well with Kent's actions as they would have occurred in a real-life situation. In that kind of situation, everything would be happening extremely fast, and your story conforms with that idea.
SETTING
You definitely do a good job on describing the setting. I could see the moon, feel the waters of the lake, and see the lights of the American camp in the distance. You also stuck to the historical aspects of WWII.
HERO/HEROINE
It is obvious here that the hero, Kent, has one intention: to escape from the Russians. The entire story is based on that intent. Kent is an active participant in furthering the plot, and not just a bystander witnessing the action.
COMPLICATIONS
Kent continues to pursue his goal despite the obstacles he faces: namely physical injury and the Russians chasing after him. The fact that he is injured and still continues brings suspense because the reader wonders whether or not he will fail and be recaptured.
RANDOM SUGGESTIONS My name was Alstair Kent and I was British officer
I would suggest changing the word "was" to "is" here. Though your story takes place in the past tense, his name is still the same when he is retelling it.
RATING
I give this piece a 4.5 because it was well-written, fast-paced, and character driven. Great job, and thanks for sharing!
Hello,
Below are my comments and suggestions. Please remember that they are only the opinions of one reader, and that they were made with the intention of being helpful. Feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish.
Suggestions
The snow was a combination of the real thing and enough artificial to make the right combination.
In this sentence, might I suggest you use a different word instead of "combination" the second time? Using that word twice in the same sentence sounded a bit repetitive to me, but that's my personal preference, of course.
breschetta
You might want to double check the spelling of this word. I'm pretty sure it's spelled "bruschetta," but I would suggest looking it up in the dictionary to make sure.
Why did he have a valid license, what monkey was making these rules? You know you are taught to be objective but in a case like this it is very hard.
These seem to be the thoughts of the officers, since they change tense. I would suggest differentiating them from the narrative by italics, etc, or staying consistent to one tense if they aren't giving the reader a view into their minds.
He was being home schooled and going to Rehab five days a week.
Here the words "home" and "schooled" should be separated by a hyphen, and rehab shouldn't be capitalized.
I would also suggest making some sort of visible marker when the story switches over to six months later. Maybe italicize it, or leave a few blank lines between the first part and second? I think this would make the story seem more dramatic and appealing to the reader.
Comments
Great way to bring the audience into the story in the beginning. It leaves them with just enough questions to want to read further to find the answers!
Wow, I really liked the twist at the end!
Thanks for sharing, and good luck with your future endeavors.
Hello,
Below are my comments and suggestions. Please remember that they are only the opinions of one reader, and that they were made with the intention of being helpful. Feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish!
Suggestions It was Christmas Day and the Hunter family
Here there should be a comma after the wordy "day"
It didn’t have a lot of meat but the taste was grand
You also need one here before the word "but"
Comments
This story warms the heart! You definitely have a knack for detail, and I really enjoyed the descriptions you included about the Christmas tree. This is quite a nice holiday piece! The only other suggestions I have for you is to maybe work a bit on the transitions between the action in the story. Sometimes they seem to happen a little too quickly--one after the other. Other than that, good job. Thanks for sharing and good luck with your future endeavors!
Below are my comments and suggestions. Feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish, and thanks for sharing!
Suggestions I was a no one,
but you are a someone
I could count on
In this section, you seem to be talking about the past, so I would suggest changing the word "are" to "were"
Comments
I really enjoyed this song, especially the chorus. You were able to incorporate a good amount of feeling into the lyrics. You definitely have some talent here!
STANLEY: Yes that’s very fascinating, but most of the ‘nooks and crannies’ that used to be in this building are obviously not there anymore. We can handle this ourselves from here.
Loved this line!
Final Comments
I wish I had more suggestions for you, but I really enjoyed this piece the way it is! You did a very good job of giving the reader just enough detail to pull them in, but leaving enough questions to make them want to read further. And I loved the character of Stanley! Great job!
Hello,
Below are my comments and suggestions. Please remember that they are only the opinions of one reader, and that they were made with the intention of being helpful. Feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish!
Suggestions
wetting the feet of it’s crewmen
Here the word "it's" should be "its," because it is not a contraction of the words "it" and "is."
said in the raspy voice of the old man
I stumbled over this part a bit. Might I suggest removing the word "in?"
The night had become one with ocean
Personal preference, of course, but I think this would read smoother if you tweaked it to read "the night had become one with the ocean," or "Night had become one with ocean." I would suggest using the article "the" either in front of both "night" and "ocean," or not at all.
staring at the face of the god like vampire
Here the words "god" and "like" should be connected with a hyphen.
The Count has had many loves in the past, but this one seemed to feel different
In this sentence, the word "has" should be "had," to read "the Count had had..."
I noticed that you refer to the main character as "Helsing," several times. However, his full name is Abraham Van Helsing, with Van Helsing being his full last name, making the separation of "Van" and "Helsing" throughout the story a bit confusing to me. I thought that I would point this out to you in case it had escaped your attention.
Comments
The stars and galaxies far above joined the sea in a magnificent mingle between worlds
Absolutely beautiful imagery here!
You definitely have a good idea here. I enjoyed reading about the interaction between Van Helsing and Dracula. You have a talent for description and imagery, and your story flowed together quite nicely. Thanks for sharing, and best of luck in your future endeavors!
Hello,
Below are my comments and suggestions. Please remember that they are only one reader's opinions and were made with the intention of being helpful. Feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish!
Suggestions
one sitting on top poking its nose through a slim opening,
Here there should be a comma after the word, "top."
Light pours out of the room and casts his shadow over the dead body that lay crumpled before him.
Here the word "lay" should be "lies," in order to stick with subject/verb/tense agreement.
the raccoons scurry off in to the night to continue scavenging for food elsewhere.
Here the words "in" and "to" should be combined in one word, "into."
He revs it twice, and starts driving off in to the night.
Same thing in this sentence.
regarding your character, the "Man In Black," the word "in" probably shouldn't be capitalized because it's a preposition. However, I realize that you might be doing this to emphasize some of the noticeable, visible traits of a nameless character, so it's up to you.
Comments
I have to say, I'm intrigued to see what happens next. I really like your simplistic, but interesting style of writing. This piece was very easy to read, yet it didn't leave out all the details either. I liked the way you ended the piece and portrayed the Man in Black. Thanks for sharing, and good luck with your future endeavors!
Hello,
My comments and suggestions are below. Please remember that they are only the opinions of one reader and were made with the intention of being helpful. Feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish!
Suggestions
Now that the effects of the marijuana had almost worn off,
I suggest adding something like "moments later," or "in a few minutes," to give the reader more of a sense that time, however little, did pass while the marijuana wore off.
Comments
You definitely have talent. I really enjoyed reading this piece. First of all, it was nice to read something that didn't require a grammatical correction every five words or so. Secondly, your characterization, description, and plot were all well put together and flowed very nicely. This looks to me like a very polished piece or, if it isn't, then you are quite talented with your first drafts. Thanks for sharing and good luck with your future endeavors!
Hello,
My comments and suggestions are below. Please remember that they are only the opinions of one person, and that they were made with the intention of being helpful. Feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish!
As a descriptive piece, this is excellent. Your imagery is very well-received.
I thought that the tune suited the piece very well.
Overall, I rather enjoyed this. Everything looks okay grammatically and the song flows together pretty well. I wish I had more suggestions for you, but I think you've got it pretty much covered. You obviously have talent as a songwriter.
Thanks for sharing and good luck with your future endeavors!
Hello,
Below are my comments and suggestions. Please remember that they are only the opinions of one reader and were made with the intention of being helpful. Feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish!
Suggestions She had found pieces of pottery buried in a cave near the springs as a child. Her parents didn't believe it was authentic Indian but Angela had kept it
In the second sentence here, you should use the pronoun "they" instead of "it," because what you are referring to is plural. Also, maybe add the word "anyway" to the end of the sentence, to show more of the contrast between Angela's actions/beliefs and her parents?
There were two small bedrooms.
You spent a lot of time describing the rest of the house. Why not give us a little description of the bedrooms as well?
She feel asleep right there.
Here, the word "feel" should be "fell."
Something startled her and that ended the dream.
What startled her? Was it what she saw in the cradle, the birds that were chirping, etc? I'd like to see a little more detail here.
There was the vastness of blue water with cream colored foam and the mist filled air that woke her completely and made her feel alive.
Great description here. However, there should be a hyphen between the words "cream" and "colored" and the words "mist" and "filled."
Danny and she had never wanted children
This should be "She and Danny" instead of "Danny and she."
He had a loft in Brooklyn and Danny was a corporate lawyer
I would suggest removing the word "Danny" here, because I think using it here suggests that the "he" who had a loft in Brooklyn" and the "Danny" who was a corporate lawyer, are two different people, at least upon first reading it.
She was baking a cake for my fiftyth birthday party.
Here "fiftyth" should be "fiftieth."
When she found out, she sent a Smypathy card to his Mom.
Here "Smypathy" should be "sympathy."
Comments Great job with description in the first paragraph. You really set the scene.
You seem to have a knack for detail in the beginning of this piece, however, as I neared the end, I felt as if things were being rushed and the details were being left out. Maybe take another look at it and add some more?
You definitely have talent as a writer, and with some fine tuning, I believe this piece could be great. Thanks for sharing and good luck with your future endeavors!
Hello,
Below are my comments and suggestions. Please remember that they are only one opinion and were made with the intention of being helpful. Feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish!
Suggestions But I thought too many bridges behind me I did burn.
Out of the entire song, this line seemed a little bit forced. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it might be because of the inverted grammar. (bridges I did burn, instead of burning bridges.) Sometimes this works, but it seems to obstruct the flow of the song in this case.
Comments I liked the tune of the song, even though you mentioned you weren't a singer. It kind of reminds me of some old ballads I've heard. It suits the topic of the song well.
Thanks for sharing, and good luck in your future endeavors!
Wow.
What a beautiful poem! Yours is officially the first piece I've added to my favorites. Here's what I liked about it.
The style is easy to read, yet goes beyond the surface as well. It's both simple and complex at the same time.
I think the feeling of being "on the outside" is one we've all felt at some point in time. Therefore, the reader is able to sympathize with you, which adds to the piece's depth and emotional value.
Quite frankly, I read a lot of amateur writing, both online and off, and in my opinion, this is an extremely well-written piece.
Hello,
Below are my comments on this particular piece. Please keep in mind that they are only my opinions, and were made with the intent of being helpful. Feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish!
Grammar
1) "for evermore"
I believe this line should read "forever more" to be grammatically correct.
2)Other than that, I didn't notice any grammar mistakes. THANK YOU FOR PROOFREADING! It makes my job so much easier.
Style
Personally, I really enjoyed your style. The poetry and lyrics of "the greats" often is a response to something they've personally experience. I really like how you describe your desire to bring to life those you've lost. You do a fairly good job with imagery and description as well.
Suggestions
My only suggestion to you is to not use so many inverted lines. For example: I want, to the people, respect to give To me, it seems like these lines throw off the rhythm of your lyrics, and gives those parts a bit of a forced feel. I think if you tweak them a bit, the piece overall will sound more natural. Other than that, you did a great job. Thanks for sharing.
I really wish I could give you some areas you could improve on, but I reread the poem several times and I think you really nailed it! You evoke powerful emotions in this piece, which is really what poetry is all about. An excellent job of self-expression. Best of luck in your endeavors!
Hello,
My comments and suggestions are below. Please remember that they are only my opinions. Feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish.
Suggestions "Her figure was perfection by any man's standards"
This sentence doesn't quite sit right with me. Maybe change it to say something like "Her figure was the epitome of perfection by any man's standards," or "Her figure was perfect by any man's standards."
"What could have happened, Frank wondered."
Here I suggest you put Frank's direct thoughts, such as the one above, in italics or bold to separate them from the rest of the story. I think this will make it easier to read.
"Daddy wouldn't it be wonderful to have a patio surrounded by daffodils, and mums, and trees? With cool, green grass to look at while we ate breakfast?"
Here again I think you should make some distinction between the regular narration and the dialogue.
"At 3 P.M. the officer was in Frank's office telling him that his wife's body was in the morgue, would he please identify the body?"
Using the word "body" twice in a sentence seems a bit repetitive. Maybe change the second "body" to "it?" Grammar
Grammar is perfect, as far as I can tell. Good job!
The only other suggestion I have would be to add a bit more emotion into the scenes where Frank and Julie's relationship progresses.
Final Comments
Wow. You really brought up an awkward and emotional problem. However, you managed to express yourself pretty well.
I think writing a letter to yourself as a way of documenting your New Year's resolutions is a great idea. (I might have to make one myself!)
Your resolutions seem solid. The only suggestion I could make would me to set up a tentative timeline, planning out what you're going to write when. I find that this really helps me to stick to a schedule!
My comments and suggestions are below. Please remember that they are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish!
Grammar
No errors that I could catch!
Suggestions
1)"I would banish hunger and famine,
I’d order world leaders to seriously examine
Their policies and fund less war, more peace,
Then all the crimes and war would cease."
These last four lines in this part are noticeably longer than the first two. I think this throws off the rhythm and flow of the poem. Maybe lengthen the first two, or shorten these a bit?
2)"Because children everywhere
Shouldn't have to live with such fear."
Maybe change the word "children" to people in this part? Cancer affects people of all ages, not just children.
What I Liked
1) Your theme is good, and you did well carrying it throughout the poem.
Final Comments
I think you have a fairly good piece of work here. With a little editing, it can be great. Thanks for sharing!
My comments and suggestions are below. Please remember that they are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish!
Grammar
Perfect grammar. Good job!
Suggestions
1)"killed those who were allergic within allowable limits. My son was an allowable limit and would have been thirty-one years old had he been otherwise."
I'm not completely clear on what you mean here. What exactly is an allowable limit? Remember that the reader doesn't always know the terms you know.
What I Liked
This was a beautiful tribute to all of the heroes in your life. You used good grammar, good description, and your style was easy and interesting to read.
Final Comments
This is a wonderful piece. It was truly inspiring. I enjoyed it. Thanks so much for sharing!
My comments and suggestions are below. Please remember that they are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use them or ignore them as you wish!
Grammar
1)"And so the Bingly’s were invited to Pemberly for the evening"
I believe here the word "Bingly's" should be in a plural form instead of possessive (Binglys).
2)" “This little angle belongs to me, mum.”"
I think here you meant "angle" to be "angel."
What I Liked
1)You used rich vocabulary, much like Jane Austen. Many fanfics based on her works are too simple, and nothing at all like her style.
Final Comments
Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. You did Pride and Prejudice justice. I would encourage you to write more. If you need any more reviews, feel free to email me and I will happily oblige.
God Bless,
Aurelia Rose
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aureliarose
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.14 seconds at 4:04am on Nov 11, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Grammar
heres to life, heres to you.
MY LONG JOURNEY TO FREEDOM
"What could have happened, Frank wondered."
"Daddy wouldn't it be wonderful to have a patio surrounded by daffodils, and mums, and trees? With cool, green grass to look at while we ate breakfast?" 
"At 3 P.M. the officer was in Frank's office telling him that his wife's body was in the morgue, would he please identify the body?"
The only other suggestion I have would be to add a bit more emotion into the scenes where Frank and Julie's relationship progresses. 
Reviewed by a proud member of the WDC Angel Army