This poem effectively tells the story of a young inventor named Sam who discovers the secret of making gold and faces a moral dilemma. Overall, the poem flows well and maintains a consistent rhyme scheme. Here are a few suggestions to enhance the poem:
1. Develop the characters: While the poem introduces Sam and his mother, there is room to further develop their personalities and motivations. Adding specific details about their appearance, actions, or mannerisms can help readers form a stronger connection with the characters and deepen their understanding of their choices.
2. Use descriptive language: Incorporating more descriptive language can bring the poem to life and create vivid imagery. Consider using sensory details to describe Sam's inventions, his sketches, or the atmosphere of his lair. This can make the poem more engaging and help readers visualize the scenes.
3. Show the internal struggle: The poem mentions that Sam faces a dilemma, but it would be beneficial to delve deeper into his internal struggle. By exploring his thoughts, emotions, and conflicting desires, readers can better understand the weight of his decision and feel more invested in the outcome.
4. Consider the pacing: The poem covers a significant amount of time in a relatively short space. To enhance the pacing, consider adding more stanzas or verses to provide a smoother transition between different stages of Sam's life. This can give readers a better sense of the passage of time and the impact of Sam's choices.
By incorporating these suggestions, the poem can become more immersive and emotionally resonant, allowing readers to fully engage with the story and its themes.
I read that you wrote this as a child, and for that I am impressed, and very proud of what you did. This was a great read, thank you for sharing
I thoroughly enjoyed the 4500 words, lol... I just have a few questions, like why would a criminal intent on doing murder worry about using a blinker in the rural parts of Tennessee where there isn't much traffic? based on what you wrote about the description of the roads and what not. I really like the ending where she had shot her abductor. I kind of got lost in the why he was taking her to the abandoned house to begin with. I am not really a very good writer but here are some points I thought about.
1. Clarify the purpose of the journey: While the passage sets the scene and introduces the characters, it would be helpful to provide some context or hint at the reason behind their journey. This could be done through subtle hints or dialogue, allowing readers to have a better understanding of their motivations.
2. Develop the characters' inner thoughts and emotions: While the physical descriptions of Damien and Mary Rose are well done, it would be beneficial to delve deeper into their thoughts and emotions. This could be achieved through internal monologues or reflections, giving readers insight into their motivations, fears, or conflicts.
3. Add more dialogue: The heavy silence between Damien and Mary Rose adds tension, but some well-placed dialogue would help to break up the narrative and reveal more about their relationship. Meaningful conversations or exchanges could provide insight into their dynamic and further engage readers.
4. Consider the pacing: While the descriptive language is engaging, there are instances where the passage becomes overly detailed or repetitive. Streamlining the descriptions and focusing on the most important details would help maintain a good pacing and keep readers engaged without overwhelming them with unnecessary information.
5. Provide a stronger hook or conflict: While the passage does create intrigue, adding a stronger hook or conflict early on could enhance the reader's interest. This could be achieved by introducing a problem or tension right from the beginning, making readers eager to find out how it will be resolved.
By incorporating these suggestions, the passage could be further developed to create a stronger connection between the readers and the characters, as well as maintain a compelling narrative that keeps readers engaged throughout.
I really did enjoy reading this, kind of sad there wasn't more and I am left with soo many questions...Like what becomes of Mary and does the man live? What will Pierre do? lol thank you for sharing this with me.
Hi,
Seen you pop up on the community feed, and your handle gave me the hint that you write poetry so I dropped into your port for a quick look around ...
This free verse poem effectively captures the experience of a frustrating trip to the grocery store. The use of descriptive language and vivid imagery helps to paint a clear picture of the chaotic and overwhelming environment. The poet effectively incorporates humor and sarcasm to convey their exasperation and annoyance with various aspects of the shopping experience.
The poem flows well, with a consistent tone throughout. The use of line breaks and enjambment adds to the overall rhythm and pace of the poem, mimicking the hurried and chaotic nature of the shopping trip. The repetition of certain phrases, such as "where's the French onion dip?" and "*UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA*", adds emphasis and reinforces the frustrations and inconveniences faced by the speaker.
The poem effectively captures the mundane and relatable experience of grocery shopping, and the final line provides a humorous and relatable twist that ties the whole poem together. Overall, this free verse poem is engaging, descriptive, and effectively conveys the frustrations and annoyances of a trip to the grocery store.
My favorite part was the ending, I laughed quite a bit. Thank you for this.
Thank you for allowing me to read and review this. In "Echoes of Power," the poet paints a vivid and powerful picture of societal corruption and manipulation. The use of strong imagery and metaphors creates a sense of urgency and critique. The poem explores themes of power, inequality, and the manipulation of truth for political gain.
The opening stanza sets a dark and foreboding tone, as the "Satanic echoes" symbolize the pervasive influence of corruption in the minds of the powerful and wealthy. The repetition of "through the minds" emphasizes the widespread nature of this phenomenon.
The second stanza employs powerful imagery to convey the crumbling of societal walls and the breakdown of class barriers. The metaphorical beads of glass represent the shattered remnants of a once rigid social structure, creating a visual representation of the chaos and disarray.
The third stanza delves into the realm of politics, highlighting the manipulative tactics employed by politicians. The use of xenophobic apparitions as a tool for control is a thought-provoking metaphor that portrays the deliberate creation of fear and division among populations.
Overall, "Echoes of Power" is a thought-provoking and impactful poem that shines a light on the darker aspects of society. The poet effectively utilizes language and imagery to convey a sense of urgency and critique, making it a compelling piece of social commentary.
I see no flaws in construction, or grammar, but I do have some suggestions on how to enhance this superb poem.
1. Consider refining the title: The current title, "Echoes of Power," is quite fitting, but you could also explore other possibilities that capture the essence of the poem. Maybe something that highlights the themes of corruption, manipulation, or inequality.
2. Vary the sentence structure: While the poem has a strong flow, some variation in sentence structure could add more depth and rhythm. Experiment with using shorter and longer sentences to create a dynamic and engaging rhythm.
3. Develop the imagery further: While the poem already contains vivid metaphors and imagery, you could consider expanding on them to create an even more powerful impact. Explore additional symbols or metaphors that further illustrate the themes and ideas you're conveying.
4. Clarify and streamline the language: Some lines could benefit from clearer language and tighter phrasing. For example, in the second stanza, consider rephrasing "where alternate fact / wages war" to make the meaning more apparent.
5. Add a concluding stanza: The poem currently ends abruptly after the mention of "xenophobic apparitions of terror." Consider adding a final stanza that wraps up the themes or offers a thought-provoking reflection, providing a sense of closure to the poem.
Remember, these suggestions are subjective, and ultimately, it's up to you as the poet to decide what resonates best with your artistic vision. I really did enjoy this thanks!
I will say this first, Beautifully written! It seems like you're describing a transformation from a state of conflict and tension to a more delicate and nurturing one. The imagery of ropes turning into roots and a flower growing is quite captivating. The last stanza suggests that in order for this delicate state to survive, it must be able to withstand the challenges and pressures that come with it. Overall, it's a lovely piece that evokes a sense of growth and change!
That being said I offer some points to improve, but this is just my opinion
1. Clarify the imagery: While the imagery of ropes turning into roots and a flower growing is intriguing, it could benefit from further development and clarification. Consider expanding on the transformation process and providing more vivid descriptions to make the imagery more engaging and impactful.
2. Smooth out the transitions: The poem transitions between different ideas and images quite abruptly. To improve the flow, try to create smoother transitions between the different sections of the poem. Consider using transitional phrases or words to guide the reader through the shifts in the poem.
3. Strengthen the conclusion: The last stanza introduces the idea that the delicate state must be able to withstand challenges. However, the conclusion feels a bit rushed. Expand on this idea and explore it further to provide a more satisfying ending. Consider how the delicate state can overcome or adapt to the challenges it faces.
4. Consider the rhythm and pacing: Pay attention to the rhythm and pacing of the poem. Experiment with different line breaks and punctuation to create a rhythmic flow that enhances the reading experience.
5. Revise for clarity: Some lines and phrases in the poem may benefit from clarification. Take a closer look at the language and make sure that the intended meaning is clear to the reader.
Remember, poetry is subjective, and these suggestions are just one perspective. Ultimately, it's your artistic vision that should guide the revisions
This two-stanza poem captures a sense of movement and uncertainty in life, using the metaphor of leaves in a river. The first stanza sets the tone by establishing the central idea that we, as individuals, are like leaves being carried along by the river's current. This creates an immediate sense of motion and fluidity. The use of the word "constantly" emphasizes the ongoing nature of this flow, implying that change is inherent in our existence.
The second line, "Floating with current," reinforces the imagery of being carried along, suggesting a lack of control or agency over our direction. This line also introduces a sense of surrender or acceptance, as the leaves simply go with the flow. The word "floating" suggests a certain lightness or effortlessness in this movement, further emphasizing the lack of resistance.
The second stanza delves into the unknown future that lies ahead. The phrase "Ahead is uncharted" implies that the path ahead is uncertain and unpredictable. This line conveys a sense of both excitement and trepidation, as the uncharted territory may hold both opportunities and challenges.
The following line, "Memories of past," introduces the theme of reflection and the influence of the past on our journey. It suggests that our experiences shape and inform the way we navigate the river of life. The juxtaposition of the past and the uncharted future creates a tension between familiarity and the unknown, highlighting the contrast between what we have already lived and what lies ahead.
The final two lines of the poem, "Living each day / Praying they last," encapsulate the human desire for stability and a longing to hold on to moments of joy and contentment. This suggests that amidst the uncertainty and constant flow, we seek solace in the present, cherishing each day as it comes. The word "living" implies an active engagement with life, emphasizing the importance of fully experiencing each moment.
Overall, this two-stanza poem effectively conveys a sense of movement, uncertainty, and the human longing for stability. The metaphor of leaves in a river creates a vivid and relatable image, while the carefully chosen words and phrases evoke a range of emotions and reflections on the nature of existence.
The poem appears to be well-crafted and does not require any corrections. The language and structure effectively convey the intended meaning and emotions. I really enjoyed this and I appreciate you letting me review it!
Review: Ok, first things first I will show you a few tips in proper poetry writing, which, even though this free-verse poetry, it should stil have punctuation so the reader knows how to read.
free-verse = non-rhyming poetry, Traditional poetry = rhyming poetry. I am only saying this as you may not know the difference between the two. This piece would be considered free-verse.
1: First thing you need to do is get ride of the double spacing in between lines of each stanza.
2: You have capitalized every first letter of each line in the stanza, awesome!
3: Third, you need proper punctuation in the lines.
Example of how the first stanza should appear with these 3 building blocks of poetry writing:
To my great grandpa Ernie,
Whom I never said good-bye.
To my friend,
Just a kid,
Who left it all behind.
I added a comma after Ernie, and a period after bye, as it completes the line.
If you follow my example, then you should be able to edit the entire poem. After editing is complete, I can read the poem as it was intended to be read, and in so much, will offer a higher rating, and then discuss, flow. I can not at this time base a review or rating on the flow of this poem as it needs editing. I hope this review is a tad helpful, and if you have any questions at all email me. Write on!
I think this was written by a poet who has true insight into poetical beauty. You painted a masterpiece with you words, and grammar and punctuation was definately on point. Keep up the good writing.
-Atti
There once was a little boy
with thick hair of sandy brown.
He had the most beautiful hazel eyes,
that no comparison could be found.
All beginning letters need capitalized even though it is a continuance of the first. It is for poem uniformity.
There one was a little boy
and now my heart is breaking inside.
Because I know he will never be seen
again before this body of mine dies.
Too many syllables in second line, It would read better "My heart is now breaking inside"
There once was a little boy.
How it breaks my heart to admit
That maybe, just maybe, before he was gone
my fight already ceased to exist.
3rd line you don't need the extra maybe, it murders flow.
There once was a little boy.
I am now quite depressed.
William, my son, is gone for good.
I pray for the peace that is death.
Asad, strong ending howeveryou went for a soft rhyme here unlike all the other stanzas, it just doe not work, and by a syllable count, lyrically this stanza is not like the others it seems a tad forced.
Overall- I think this is a good poem, it can be great it just needs a little TLC and cleaning up. Keep writing!
Well at the start this had a good rhyme scheme, then you fell off into a free verse style. If you start with a rhyme scheme you need to keep it for uniformity and balance of the poem.
I’m ready to let you see the real me—
ready for you to unlock my heart…you already have the key
The second line of this stanza has too many syllables and murders the flow. I suggest shortening it to a few less words to keep the flow.
I’m ready to reveal myself—
ready to take off this mask
This was by far my favorite stanza in the poem, as we all have masks and someday, sometime we will reveal ourselves to someone we feel we need to.
My overall impression is this is a good poem, it can be a great one. It just needs a little work. Thank you for the review
A truly remarkable and well written poem of care and concern and love for a friend. I hope you friend enjoyed this as much as I did. Well written, as I saw no errors and I have nothing to add to its picturesque meaning.
A short yet subtle poem. Very well written and I can feel the complex feelings of doubt and wonderment. I feel like that a lot when encountering a new relationship.
I seen no errors in spelling or grammr so great job.
For free veres it flowed well too.
I thank you for the read and look forward to reviewing more of your poetry. Write on!
You have made me laugh uncontrollably this morning with this, however you failed to mention one could also rant for free as well, lol.
I became a member in January of this year, and since then my skills have improved as a writer through interacting with other writers, and reviewing their work all for free..
I praise you for creating such a wonderful community and dor all those to help maintain this portal of literary delights,(as I am sure it is not free).
Hello, and let me tell you this is quite a good poem indeed. I felt lost in the beautiful imagery you portrayed, great!
I seen no errors of an kind i.e. spelling, or grammar.
I have but 1 suggestion, in the first stanza you went with a soft ryhme (morning,falling), but the rest of the poem used sharp rhymes, I think it would be perfect if you could make all the rymes similar either soft or sharp, just my oinion though.
A great and awesome poem for your mother(God rest her soul). This poem just flows so eloquently that I was at the end before I knew it. I do have a suggestion if one could make one to such perfection, it could be a little longer maybe some more verses showing your mother's lofe or the grief when she passed. Just my suggestion and by all means it means nothing, as this is a masterpiece of poetry.
This is truly magnificently unique in that it helps writers aspire to be greater through their writing by reviewing others with talent and sharing what knowledge they have acquired with other individuals while gaining honest recognition and 100% of the encouragement some writers need to keep writing. Thank you Rising Stars!!
Damn, I really like the message here but the rhyme scheme, needs TLC..U started then got on a completely different one again. I am beginning to see a pattern..lol, Again Good poem, could be better, but a great and honest message. Thank you for the read and Write-on!
Awww, girlie, U really need some hep witht he rhyme scheme in this one too. A good poem and one that is truly relevant about angels being among us and us being angels ourselves. The poem did feel a bit choppy as well. Maybe I am way off base, and I hope you are not offended. Write on!
Ok this one was a lot better, however the only thing that stopped it from being a 5.0 was the fact that sorrow and horror do not ryhme not even as a soft ryhme. No errors other than that did I notice. A great heartfelt and touching masterpiece of poetry.
Ok a good poem, but again a rhyme scheme problem, you started with this:
I said once, my heart had walls,
which none could scale.
I am guarded, few tried, all failed.
Wich was a fine scheme, but then at the near end of the poem, you switched the style and scheme up starting here:
there will be no forgotten doors!
This fortress will be conquered never more!
No knight shall enter, all shall flee,
I'll freely give no part of me!
So weakened is that which once was so strong.
Still for a shining knight my heart longs.
I will protect my heart , I will survive this yet,
Though I am afraid, I will never forget.
So you see, I think a little fixing to restore the scheme would make this poem perfect!
Well this was a heartfelt poem, rather sad but also uplifting. However I found it seemed like you crammed too many words in and it hurt the flow. Also you abandoned your ryhme scheme with this line:
From my Granny came Cherokee courage and Irish grit.
Even from my father, a gift, a use for the anger,
to survive and never quit.
Other than that I seen no other errors! Good job and write on!
Wow..I believe this a wonderfully worded masterpiece of poetry. I got lost in the flawless imagery you have presented. Maybe one day I will be able to create such beautiful works of poetry. I saw no spelling erros or flow problems of any kind. I also saw no spelling errors. A short but definately knowledge filled poem! Write-on!
Wow..I believe this a wonderfully worded masterpiece of poetry. I got lost in the flawless imagery you have presented. Maybe one day I will be able to create such beautiful works of poetry. I saw no spelling erros or flow problems of any kind. I also saw no spellin errors, and also a wonderful selection of vocabulary too! Write-on!!
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