Hi there,
I'd like to review your work.
Marvelous poem.
You did a really good job in conveying the sentiments of your character.
Beautifully worded.
Great job.
Keep writing.
~atiqa
Hi beastwriter,
I'll be reviewing your work.
First, wonderful job.
You've conveyed an amnesiac's feeling really well.
The fear of forgetting a day just lived. Beautiful.
I repeat, wonderful job.
Poliah your talent and never stop writing.
~atiqa
Hi.
I'd like to congratulate on you on writing a marvellous piece. I really liked the disrespectful hero you cooked up. Makes me wonder about other ways to diffuse anger and to make crier happy. This story is an embodiment of the sentiment "tough love. " 😁😂
Good job. Keep writing. Would love to read more of your work.
~Atiqa
Hi. I'm Atiqa and I'd like to review your poem.
I'll start by saying "WOW". What an absolutely beautiful poem. It clearly shows the contrast between what's on the outside and what's on the inside. The conflict is heightened by the simplicity of wording in such a complex idea. Bravo.
Keep writing. It's what you're good at.
~atiqa
Initial thoughts:
Wow. Good job. It was a fun story, starting out great. It hooked me in because I wanted to know what would happen to the trader and it had me reading till the last word. Mission accomplished.
Storyline:
A wonderful storyline. Just as we start getting into the cannons and battle... bam... time to get out of the fantasy.Quite an amusing way to tell your tale.
Characters:
As long as we're on the pirate ship; *Captain Slash
A strongly based character. He has the general bad temper of a pirate and a funny name to go with his habitual slashing. Bravo. *Tommy
Once we are pulled out of the fantasy... *enter Tommy*. He has all the characteristics of a child;
a)doesn't want to get out of the bath because he was playing.
b)whines when his mom interrupts.
Typical little boy. Nicely done. Brings a touch of honesty.
Favorite line:
Argh!
Final Remarks:
Great job. You killed it. Keep on writing.
Hi.
I would like to review this 'limerick'. I begin by saying that I absolutely love Star Trek and I am impressed.
Initial Impression:
Every piece of work attracts readers with it's title and yours was quite intriguing. The poem itself did not disappoint. Great work. Good topic. Perfect flow.
Theme and Creativity:
The theme of the poem was the friendship of Spock and Capt. Kirk and did in essence honour that bond. It was extremely creative and an absolute pleasure to read and review. You did the topic justice.
Technique:
The technique used was also good. It makes the whole poem flow and does not make reading an effort. It does have a "limerick-like" presentation and I think it would be safe to say that it is a limerick.
Suggestions:
Just one small suggestion for you.
*In the fourth verse: Not 100%, impure
I think this line would flow slightly better if you added a semicolon instead of a comma; Not 100%; impure.
In the end, I would like to remind you that my suggestion is in spirit, just a suggestion. You do not have to feel obligated to follow it. That is entirely up to you.
Your poem was perfect and it did take me on a journey through star trek again. You have accomplished your aim; to honour our dear Mr. Spock. Five stars to this wonderful poem. It made me a very happy reader.
Hi!
I would like to review your work and I start by saying "Wow."
This was quite an interesting piece. A short story that is actually short.It does tell the story of paperboys in the 60's so I would say; Mission Accomplished. Good job.
THE CHARACTERS:
a)The paperboy:
I think this is a nice character. Someone you would chat with if he delivered your paper. If you were up that early. 😆. Anyways, he seems normal and I like how he converses in the "us paperboys"manner, conveying the thoughts of the whole paper delivering community. Well done.
b)The Johnsons:
Aha! The characters we like to dislike. The characters in this story that make us wonder why they're not paying the bills... Is something wrong? Are they poor?... but... we also dislike them because our dearest paperboy has to pay their dues out of his pockets. They are good development for the story.
A FEW SUGGESTIONS:
1) Line 9:
you have used the word 'monies'.
CORRECTION: Any money "collected" after...
2)Last line:
Collect! He said.
CORRECTION: Speech marks required;
"Collect!", he said.
In the end, I would like to remind you that my suggestions are just that; suggestions. You may or may not follow them. Lovely piece of work. It was a joy to read.
A decent piece of work. It conveys the general melancholy feeling of the person who has just gone out of work.
A few minor suggestions;
1)"beginning not to care"
Full stop after 'care'.
2)"feeling I'm gona drown"
It could be phrased better.
Maybe a hyphen;
*Feeling-I'm gonna drown.
OR
Maybe a semicolon;
*Feeling; I'm gonna drown.
OR
You could use a good old 'like'
*Feeling like I'm gonna drown.
3)"Pressures pushing me down"
It doesn't read very smoothly.
It could be done like;
*All the pressures pushing me down
OR
*The pressures pushing me down.
4)"Oh no, I'm face down"
The general astonishment or surprise or distraught feeling could be better conveyed if you used an exclamation mark;
*Oh no! I'm face down,
5)"Family, finances and life's unstable. "
I believe the flow of this line would be smoother if you added a semicolon instead of and;
*Family, finances; life's unstable.
6)Full stop after 'table'.
In the end, I would like to say that all of my suggestions are just that; suggestions. You do not have to feel obligated to follow them because it is your poem after all. You have a lot of potential. Great work.
This poem made a random reader, i.e: me, feel lonely and sad. Congratulations. A well written poem that forces the reader's mood to submit to it's theme.
Wow. This is extremely written. Usually, it is extremely difficult to store all of that drama, those feelings into a poem or into lyrics but you have done so and exceptionally, I might add. You should keep on writing and if this is the stuff that's coming forward... I'll be coming back for more.
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