Your story so far is really good!!! I love how you describe the main character as having "the face of heaven... and the eyes of hell". (That's probably my favorite line in the whole chapter :). ) The whole idea is extremely creative and uncommon; I love it. However, there were some times when I was confused as to what tense you were in; it seemed to switch between past, to future, back to past, and then to present. So, if that kind of transition is what you were going for, you might want to go back over the story and make it more clear to the reader. Also, there are a few sentences that were a bit awkward to read, and I'm still not sure if I understand what you're trying to say. One of the sentences is, "And these three men who stood there and stared at me now, were indeed caught between heaven and hell." With this sentence, I believe all you need to do to make it work is make all of the verb tenses complement each other. Other than that, it is a really good piece; the way you write keeps the reader interested throughout the whole thing and you have it moving at a very good pace. Lastly, I like where you're going with it; the reader knows something dangerous is going to happen just my the combination of the two characters, but you keep your audience in suspense and encourage them to read on. This is a very good tactic to keep your readers, and you execute it effectively. I can't wait to know what happens in the next chapter; no pressure :).
That was great. I love how, the whole time I was reading it, I believed that Conner was the one who was the vamp. when it was really Rosie. Now that I think back on it, I realize that some things can have a double meaning, like, "Connor caught her in his surprisingly strong embrace." I thought, as most readers would, that it meant Conner was a vampire, because legends say the are extremely strong. Instead, I now believe it to mean that he was surprisingly strong for a human/he size. Your whole story was absolutely brilliant and you were extremely successful in using reverse psychology. For example, after you wrote that things are not always as they seem, i thought to myself,"What ever, I'm usually right anyway." But, I think your trick was by using the nouns innocent and vampire in stead of pronouns that creates the illusion of Conner being the vampire. Either way, it was an extremely cleverly written piece and had an excellent pace to it as well. However, there were a few times that I came across a sentence that confused me. An example is, ' An innocent and one whose innocence had been stolen years, no, decades before." I kind of understand what you're saying now, but, when I had read it fr the first time, I had some difficulty. other than that, I don't find any faults. :) It was a very enjoyable story.
This is a really good short story. I love how you keep the reader guessing what happened to her and the emotion you placed within each phrase. The only thing I can suggest to make it better is for you to go back and edit a few things. You tend to use certain words, like gorgeous, a lot and it tends to become redundant. You should try using synonyms and try to use the same adjectives as seldom as possible. Also, here and there, you tend to use more words than you really need to convey your point. An example is your line "But my heart becomes emptier everyday, as I get older everyday too , and my chances slip." Instead of saying "emptier everyday, as I get older everyday too," you could write "emptier as I grow older every (day, moment, hour, etc.)" Other then that, you are a really good writer, just watch out for over usage of words and you'll do well.
Sorry I'm not giving you more points. I'm new as well and I don't have many. However, if you read the story I have in my portfolio, "Dakota Girl", I would be most appreaciative. And don't be afraid to tell me what you think of it; having feed-back can be very useful. I hope I have help you progress your writing.
Dara
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