Thanks for sharing. A close friend of mine in the Marines ended up carjacking some people after he got discharged. He was one of the best people I knew. He was sentenced to 10 years in prison. I am sorry for what happened to your community and what happened to your friend even though he went on to do something so terrible. I am sorry you struggle with having been silent. I'm not going to give you any advice. As a veteran and a trauma survivor, I struggle with my own guilt. I call it the "moral injury".
Anyways, I enjoyed your poem, your honesty, and the humanity in. Write on and I wish you well.
I love the concept. It's excellent, funny, scary, and yet, with the power corporations have, not unimaginable. However, This story can be improved upon in one great way. It may sound cliche, but, show don't tell. Ask yourself when you read this "Do I feel immersed in this world?" Think about all the great stories you have ever heard, They make you feel like youre experiencing that world. Using imagery, character experience, etc.
This is, of course, a suggestion. I wish you all the best!
I liked the story for its humanity and tragedy. The flow of and set up of the story is good.
I think you can do two things to improve this story.
1) Do more to build tension and to bring the reader into the characters world. For example, when you say "took pride in" how can you show us what that would like? How can you visualize words his pride and confidence? Can you put us in Oscars head as he struggles with his memory and the trauma?
2) Explain less to the reader. For example you say:
"Oscar had played football as a linebacker when he was a younger man. It was nationally speculated that he would turn pro when he finished college, but the conflict in Vietnam changed all of that.
Oscar received his draft card and went without hesitation to serve his country."
Maybe you can try something like this:
Oscar had played football as a linebacker when he was a younger man. It was nationally speculated that he would turn pro when he finished college, but Oscar received his draft card and went without hesitation to serve his country in Vietnam."
These are of course just suggestions, I think you can do a lot more with this story. You already have the parts and there is a lot of potential to make a good story into a great one!
Thanks for posting and keep on writing (and revising and revising, it never does end for any of us).
I like your imagery and I can connect to the emotion you are expressing in your poem. However, I think it's a little wordy and you can trim back a little so the poem feels smooth. Of course only a suggestion! Keep up the great work and keep putting yourself out there!
Here's an example of what you might change. Compare it above and see how you feel. Disregard if it doesnt work for you. :)
I saw it
From the gloomy alleyways
A sharp cutlass with a cloth
Covering the luminous blade
Is it safe? Is it dangerous?
A mild interference?
Or a wild threat to humanity?
The judge said it's guilty
But the crowd speak it's innocent
Like it speaks to the gods
And it asks to the devils
Simultaneously
Uncovering the cloth can compose pain
A destructive musical piece
Where every note chips an attack
And every rest can leave gashes
Cell by cell, organ by organ
Instantaneously demolished
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