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What Works
Your opening sentence is wonderful! You definitely catch the attention of the reader and prod them to read on further.
I like your intelligent type of language. (I note below why it would be hard for a child to understand it.)
The “moral” of your story is rather well done. I am worried, however, that this type of story is overdone. You may want to consider making a few switches.
Suggestions
Here are suggestions regarding the technicalities within the story:
What most people don’t know however is that that willow tree is in fact home to one of the bravest knights in all of Ingrosol.
1-You need two commas, one before and one after however
2-You repeat is in a small space.
3-Later on you mention how this knight was responsible for many actions; I think that you should therefore change is to was.
Nobody quite knows where The Klergybird came from, or for that matter what purpose it serves other than to annoy people.
other than to annoy people is a disruption in your sophisticated language.
The Klergybird is no ordinary bird you see.
You ought to place a comma after bird.
Be consistent in your use of tenses. You tend to switch from present to past to present tense, all in a small amount of space. Determine at what point the STORY took place and at what point the NARRATION is taking place, then interweave them properly.
It will guide a lost traveler one day and then steal the facial hair off some unsuspecting gentleman another (it’s especially infuriating when it turns said facial hair, into facial grass.)
1-Cut out the comma from within the parenthesis.
2-Move the period outside of the parenthesis.
* #2 happens more than once, where you have a punctuation mark inside the parenthesis and then lack a piece of punctuation for the sentence as a whole.
You have a sentence that explains the story's THESIS? It's confusing what you are trying to do with the set-up. Make sure that your infrastructure for the rest of the piece is well molded into the story.
“Calamity!! Terror!!!” They cried in unison.
They ought to be lower-cased.
You see mobs, while terribly efficient when it comes to burning down houses and destroying public property, are unfortunatly somewhat lacking in their capacity for self-expression.
1-You need a comma after see.
2-The correct spelling is unfortunately.
3. When listening to the mobs demands always remember to look ashamed of yourself.
I would phrase the beginning part in a clearer fashion:
When listing to the demands of the mob, always remember to...
By the mobs rationale whatever injustice has been visited on them is of course your fault, and therefore humiliating you is the only way in which they can rectify it.
1-mobs should be mob's in order to reflect possession.
2-Place a comma after rationale.
Now this put him in direct violation of rule number three, (as you can imagine the mob was not too happy about that.)
1-I dislike your use of parenthesis, as they only distract the reader from the story and are being used incorrectly consistently.
2-You need a comma after imagine.
“…Clergybird!!!!!!”
1-Please don’t use such a large amount of exclamation points; it’s very distracting.
2-Should this be Klergybird?
And so he knelt down and picked up a small stone, after all he didn’t want to kill The Klergybird, just scare it away.
You should begin a new sentence with After all.
However, instead of the small stone he had thrown, it was now twice its original size, three times its original weight, and hard as stone; which made sense because it was in fact, a stone.
1-The last part of this sentence makes the entire story loose its sophistication; it’s not the most intelligent thing to say…
2-The semi-colon should be a comma.
3-You need a comma before in fact.
When he did finally wake up however, he felt, strange somehow, as though his body were somewhat altered.
The punctuation in this sentence needs to be changed. It should be this:
When he did finally wake up, however, he felt strange somehow, as though his body were somewhat altered.
Now if his face had not just been crushed by a rock, he would have asked himself.
“Why are my clothes falling off in the first place?”
Alright. What needs to happen here is you change the period after himself to a comma and bring the dialogue to a space after that comma.
But as fate would have it his face had been crushed by a rock, and as a consequence he didn't ask that question.
You need a comma after it.
Like I noted above, this story does not seem fit for children, as your description suggests. I have to note again that I like your sophisticated language, but it is not consistent. Sometimes, you seem to over-explain things, at other points, you don’t explain enough, and sometimes even you leave things vague after using that sophisticated language. My first thought is for you to remain consistent with that use of language.
Furthermore, once the actual technicalities are cleared up, this can be a great little story. However, your ending is far too abrupt. You move from all of these adventures and tales—which could possibly be cut down by half—to this ending where the knight makes his courageous choice to protect the city. You don’t justify that enough—you have to clearer explain that the Klergybird is gone and that he is the only creature that could ever turn the knight back into human form, etc. I think you are missing an important transition from the transformation in the ending, one that I can see as the knight’s pursuit of medicine, etc., or another attempt at reentering the community.
Final Impression
This is an extremely interesting creation. I understand that, at times, you may feel as if it is necessary to omit the rules of grammar, etc., in order to give the story a greater affect, but I think that, if you have done it on purpose, it is far too much. It needs to be sophisticated, because it is the words of the story that matter, not its actual physical presentation on paper.
This can be a very interesting piece. I’m not sure for which audience, as mentioned above, but it can definitely be a very nice piece once you find the technical and literal balance for your words.
Thank you for sharing your work.
May your Muse be with you!
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