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1
1
Review of Spring Love  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Greetings! *Bigsmile* I review and rate according to "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..

*Note4* What Works *Note4*

No spelling errors!

I think that the message and the images in this poem are very well done--you cover all of the aspects of the wedding and take an interesting perspective on some of them at the same time. I think you did a fine job with the literal and technical aspects of the poem.

*Note5* Suggestions *Note5*

Some poets use random punctuation as they write and have reasons for it, but as a reader I am thoroughly confused--and the flow is disrupted--when you use too many commas and not enough periods.

Additionally, make sure that as you switch from phrase to phrase your tenses remain in the same in order to prevent an awkward break.

A ceremony a technicality,
You need a comma after ceremony.

*Note1* Final Impression *Note1*

Clear up your technicalities in order to improve upon the literal aspect. I think that you have a wonderful piece of poetry brewing here and your nephew and his love will definitely appreciate it.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work. *Star*

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool*
2
2
Rated: E | (2.5)
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Greetings! *Bigsmile* I review and rate according to "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..

*Note4* What Works *Note4*

Of the images that made sense to me, I think that you did an alright job describing deception and how it's perceived (at least that's how it sounded to me).

You didn't make any spelling errors! It's surprising how rare that is. *Smile*

*Note5* Suggestions *Note5*

Here are some suggestions:

Deception in our time has every form…with the most popular being the supersized for maximum harm.
This doesn't make any sense to me. It feels as if you are either missing some words, or have too many of them.

Some deceive to receive a small tip under their sleeve…but what they misperceive is that all they will achieve is just reprieve.
Same as above.

Particular phrases of yours definitely seem forced.

I don't understand most of the poem because some of your images just don't make sense in relation to the poem as a whole; I think you need to improve upon the literal aspect of this poem, ensurin that the phrasing of your verses makes sense not only to you, but also the reader.

*Note1* Final Impression *Note1*

The poem needs some serious improvement on the literal level--make sure that your images make sense. *Smile*

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work. I apologize for taking so long with this review. *Star*

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool*
3
3
Review of Another Life  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Greetings! *Bigsmile* I review and rate according to "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..

*Note4* What Works *Note4*

I like the premise of this poem. You make a very interesting point; it's enjoyable to read because your emotion is very pure.

No spelling errors! (It's rather odd how often writers forget to run spell check.)

*Note5* Suggestions *Note5*

Here are some suggestions:

‘Coz we have just messed up
I would change 'Coz to 'Cause in order to make it more technically correct. *Smile*

Back all the words that shouldn’t be said.
This needs to be in past tense.

A time for this life, and a time for another life.
I think that, in order to improve the flow, you could cut out the second life.

Make sure to be consistent in your use of punctuation--in some verses, you use commas and periods consistently, whereas in some you drop their use. Make sure to know where you're trying to go; don't confuse the reader.

Additionally, I think you could work on tightening the poem because there are a few spots during which the poem definitely sounds repetitive, taking away from the flow.

*Note1* Final Impression *Note1*

Overall, I think you need to work on the technical level because you have some great dynamic with the emotion. Nicely done!

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work. I apologize for taking so long with the review. *Star*

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool*
4
4
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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Greetings! *Bigsmile* I review and rate according to "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..

*Note4* What Works *Note4*

You write without making consistent grammatical or spelling mistakes. *Smile*

You definitely had to be very strong to put this story in writing and I think you did a fabulous job ordering things chronologically, from an interesting perspective.

*Note5* Suggestions *Note5*

I have the following suggestions for you:

Surprise dad!
1-Place a comma after Surprise.
2-Capitalize dad.

I asked my father when I was ten why he did not take care of all these things; His response was that if something happened and she died, he did not want people to blame him.
Instead of the semi-colon, you should have a period.

I was so used to being whipped with a belt; along with all the threats that he was going to shoot me that I had started standing up for myself.
This sentence does not make any sense with the punctuation that you are using now.

On a technical level, I think that this piece is missing the type of literary emotion that would help the reader connect with you. Right now, you've put in all of the history that's necessary to know your story, but I think you could have done a better job connecting all of the pieces on a personal level.

*Note1* Final Impression *Note1*

Overall, as this is a piece of writing, I suggest improving the literary backdrop. On a technical level, the piece is strong, as you don't have many grammatical/spelling errors whatsoever. *Smile* Nicely done!

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work. I apologize for taking so long with this review. *Star*

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool*
5
5
Review of young love  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings! *Bigsmile*

*Star* Welcome to Writing.Com!

It is a pleasure to have you with us.

What Works

I like the different issues that you touch upon in this poem in order to give it meaning; you write about your age, the age of the man, and you incorporate all of that into this large piece of imagery. It functions well.

Suggestions

Stay consistent with your use of punctuation. If you are going to use punctuation whatsoever, use it consistently. *Smile* Put commas and periods where they are necessary; it will improve the flow of this poem.

The rhetorical questions that you ask in this poem take away from it, instead of add to it, because their questioning attitude takes away from the strong stance you take towards the beginning.

Final Impression

I think that the poem could use some tightening on both a rhetorical and a technical level. Tighten your punctuation as well as ensure yourself that everything you have put into this poem is necessary for its meaning.

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6
6
Review of Life  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings! *Bigsmile*

*Star* Welcome to Writing.Com!

It is a pleasure to have you with us.

What Works

I mention below that you ask too many rhetorical questions. The reason I find that useless is because you give us nothing from yourself. I do think, though, that the questions have meaning and that you should somehow find a way to manipulate it to better answer those questions for the reader.

You have a lively flow.

Suggestions

I tell this to many writers--new and old--around the site: Make sure that you are consistent in your use of punctuation. You use question marks in this poem, but then you stray away from the use of other punctuation and therefore, as a reader, I get confused because I am expecting some type of mark to help me find my way through the piece.

I additionally think that you ask too many rhetorical questions without ever answering them; it becomes less of a poem that we as readers can attach to because you open too many doors for us.

How can life feel so good?
Then all of a sudden be so empty?

Since the first line is leading into the second one, you can cut out the first comma and the piece will flow just as smoothly.

How do I feel fulfilment?
The correct spelling is fulfillment.

Happiness how can that be?
Unless you use a comma placed after Happiness, this sentence should read:
How can happiness be?

Final Impression

Overall, I think that the poem needs to be tightened on both a technical and literal scale: Get rid of useless errors but also ensure that your poem speaks to the reader somehow.

*Kiss* Isabella

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7
7
Review of Poor Old Tom  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

*Star* Welcome to Writing.Com! *Star*

It is my pleasure to review your item today. I review and rate according to "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..

If you're going to use punctuation, be consistent with it, or otherwise you will use the reader to a messed up flow.

Old Tom was having no fun
You need a period here.

I like the ending of this poem--I chuckled to myself at the thought. Overall, I thought that this could be a fantastic piece of poetry if only you had not rhymed because it sounded far too forced for me as I read. The mention of the genie sort of ruined the experience for me because I just couldn't see this man making a wish to a genie, simply because I see him in a different light.

Watch your technicalities. Overall, nice job!

Thank you for sharing your work.

May your Muse be with you! *Cool*
*Heart* Isabella

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8
8
Review of Eye to Eye  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

*Star* Welcome to Writing.Com! *Star*

It is my pleasure to review your item today. I review and rate according to "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..

Sometimes I sit
And wonder why;
Some people have so much
And others....

1-Cut out both semi-colons because they are not necessary.
2-The ellipses should only be three periods (...) because that is sufficient.

I see you;
Coming out of church;
Being so judge mental.

1-Cut out both semi-colons; replace the second with a comma.
2-judge mental should be one word.

Do you think;
It's all my fault;
And that I am;
Just a sinner?

Cut out all of the semi-colons as they are not necessary.

Because you;
Have so very much;
And me,
I have so little.

1-Cut out both semi-colons and the comma.
2-Change me to I.

I pray to God;
Everyday;
And thank him;

Cut out the semi-colons.

Your biggest problem: Your semi-colons. I have absolutely no idea why you thought that such an augmented use of semi-colons is necessary; only use it when you are separating a sentence into two individual phrases that can stand alone. You don't need it at the end of every line.

Overall, this poem sends a good message, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. *Smile*

Thank you for sharing your work.

May your Muse be with you! *Cool*
*Heart* Isabella

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9
9
Review of HUMAN MACHINE  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there! *Bigsmile*

I'm excited to be stopping by your portfolio!

I think that your rhyme is too forced. It seems unnatural to me and therefore, as a reader, I am slightly disappointed in the poem.

You don't have any grammatical or spelling errors. *Thumbsup*

I like the message/theme/premise of this piece of poetry: it's an interesting area to explore and I think that, on a literal level, you did a good job bringing out the most necessary images to make this piece work.

Write On! *Star*

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10
10
Review of Narsen: Prologue  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
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Greetings! *Bigsmile* I review and rate according to "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..

*Note4* What Works *Note4*

I know what you are trying to do with the prologue, and it's a good mechanism to set up the rest of your story, but right now, you are still lacking the critical elements that makes this type of prologue work.

Interesting name for the planet. I think it sounds very realistic, which is a plus.

*Note5* Suggestions *Note5*

Here are a few technical comments:

She was extraordinarily tall, about six feet.
You should not tell us this, but instead show it; perhaps she has to lean down to the baby, or something? Otherwise, this is disrupting to the story.

The baby quickly drank the white liquid and emptied the bottle in a few seconds.
You are missing the sentence where you explain that the woman hands the baby the drink. Otherwise, this is too abrupt.

Time flied.
This should be, Time flew.

His eyes were as narrow as a thread and nobody ever knew what’s in them.
1-what's in should be what was in order to remain consistent with your past tense.
2-I don't get what you were trying to say in this sentence.

‘Not much, mum,’ he sighed, ‘nobody wanted to make friends with me.’
1-Change the comma after sighed to a period.
2-Capitalize nobody.

All they possess were iron ores embedded deep down in the centre of the planet.
You should change possess into past tense. Stay consistent!

I have absolutely no idea where you are going with this story; your prologue is all over the place, it seems. You start with this mysterious setting, with a mother and a baby, and then you move forward, and then back, in time. Figure out what's necessary for you to have in this prologue and then aim to grant the readers that.

*Note1* Final Impression *Note1*

Overall, there are not many grammatical or technical mistakes, but there are some, so make sure to get the technical side of this piece down. Then, improve the literary quality by figuring out what exactly you want the reader to gain from this prologue--don't tell us too much, but not too little, either.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work. *Star*

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool*
11
11
Rated: E | (2.0)
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Greetings! *Bigsmile* I review and rate according to "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..

*Note4* What Works *Note4*

Your opening sentence is wonderful! You definitely catch the attention of the reader and prod them to read on further. *Smile*

I like your intelligent type of language. (I note below why it would be hard for a child to understand it.)

The “moral” of your story is rather well done. I am worried, however, that this type of story is overdone. You may want to consider making a few switches.

*Note5* Suggestions *Note5*

Here are suggestions regarding the technicalities within the story:

What most people don’t know however is that that willow tree is in fact home to one of the bravest knights in all of Ingrosol.
1-You need two commas, one before and one after however
2-You repeat is in a small space.
3-Later on you mention how this knight was responsible for many actions; I think that you should therefore change is to was.

Nobody quite knows where The Klergybird came from, or for that matter what purpose it serves other than to annoy people.
other than to annoy people is a disruption in your sophisticated language.

The Klergybird is no ordinary bird you see.
You ought to place a comma after bird.

Be consistent in your use of tenses. You tend to switch from present to past to present tense, all in a small amount of space. Determine at what point the STORY took place and at what point the NARRATION is taking place, then interweave them properly.

It will guide a lost traveler one day and then steal the facial hair off some unsuspecting gentleman another (it’s especially infuriating when it turns said facial hair, into facial grass.)
1-Cut out the comma from within the parenthesis.
2-Move the period outside of the parenthesis.
* #2 happens more than once, where you have a punctuation mark inside the parenthesis and then lack a piece of punctuation for the sentence as a whole.

You have a sentence that explains the story's THESIS? It's confusing what you are trying to do with the set-up. Make sure that your infrastructure for the rest of the piece is well molded into the story.

“Calamity!! Terror!!!” They cried in unison.
They ought to be lower-cased.

You see mobs, while terribly efficient when it comes to burning down houses and destroying public property, are unfortunatly somewhat lacking in their capacity for self-expression.
1-You need a comma after see.
2-The correct spelling is unfortunately.

3. When listening to the mobs demands always remember to look ashamed of yourself.
I would phrase the beginning part in a clearer fashion:
When listing to the demands of the mob, always remember to...

By the mobs rationale whatever injustice has been visited on them is of course your fault, and therefore humiliating you is the only way in which they can rectify it.
1-mobs should be mob's in order to reflect possession.
2-Place a comma after rationale.

Now this put him in direct violation of rule number three, (as you can imagine the mob was not too happy about that.)
1-I dislike your use of parenthesis, as they only distract the reader from the story and are being used incorrectly consistently.
2-You need a comma after imagine.

“…Clergybird!!!!!!”
1-Please don’t use such a large amount of exclamation points; it’s very distracting.
2-Should this be Klergybird?

And so he knelt down and picked up a small stone, after all he didn’t want to kill The Klergybird, just scare it away.
You should begin a new sentence with After all.

However, instead of the small stone he had thrown, it was now twice its original size, three times its original weight, and hard as stone; which made sense because it was in fact, a stone.
1-The last part of this sentence makes the entire story loose its sophistication; it’s not the most intelligent thing to say…
2-The semi-colon should be a comma.
3-You need a comma before in fact.

When he did finally wake up however, he felt, strange somehow, as though his body were somewhat altered.
The punctuation in this sentence needs to be changed. It should be this:
When he did finally wake up, however, he felt strange somehow, as though his body were somewhat altered.

Now if his face had not just been crushed by a rock, he would have asked himself.
“Why are my clothes falling off in the first place?”

Alright. What needs to happen here is you change the period after himself to a comma and bring the dialogue to a space after that comma.

But as fate would have it his face had been crushed by a rock, and as a consequence he didn't ask that question.
You need a comma after it.

Like I noted above, this story does not seem fit for children, as your description suggests. I have to note again that I like your sophisticated language, but it is not consistent. Sometimes, you seem to over-explain things, at other points, you don’t explain enough, and sometimes even you leave things vague after using that sophisticated language. My first thought is for you to remain consistent with that use of language.

Furthermore, once the actual technicalities are cleared up, this can be a great little story. However, your ending is far too abrupt. You move from all of these adventures and tales—which could possibly be cut down by half—to this ending where the knight makes his courageous choice to protect the city. You don’t justify that enough—you have to clearer explain that the Klergybird is gone and that he is the only creature that could ever turn the knight back into human form, etc. I think you are missing an important transition from the transformation in the ending, one that I can see as the knight’s pursuit of medicine, etc., or another attempt at reentering the community.

*Note1* Final Impression *Note1*

This is an extremely interesting creation. I understand that, at times, you may feel as if it is necessary to omit the rules of grammar, etc., in order to give the story a greater affect, but I think that, if you have done it on purpose, it is far too much. It needs to be sophisticated, because it is the words of the story that matter, not its actual physical presentation on paper.

This can be a very interesting piece. I’m not sure for which audience, as mentioned above, but it can definitely be a very nice piece once you find the technical and literal balance for your words.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work. *Star*

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool*
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12
12
Review of Alex & Mary  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
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Greetings! *Bigsmile* I review and rate according to "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..

*Note4* What Works *Note4*

I don't know what to think about this piece. You hurry through events that the reader has no interest in whatsoever, as you give us no time to connect with you as the narrator or Mary/Alex as characters. However, I do like the events you chose to highlight and I think that the only thing that needs to be done is to expand them.

*Note5* Suggestions *Note5*

Here are some grammar technicalities that need to be addressed:

His sickly twin brother Paul, whom he tried to protect, joined him.
1-I would change sickly to sick.
2-You need a comma after brother.
3-I think that the whom he tried to protect is too early in the piece; it does not make sense to the reader.

They were also instrumental in getting Alex beaten up several times, as the locals did not take kindly to his use of such implements.
I don't think that implements is the best word to use here.

During the war years, Alex like many other youths of that time, enlisted in the Armed Services (the Navy to be precise) and left his sister’s home and his room to join the war effort in the Pacific.
1-You need a comma after Alex.
2-I think that you should cut down his sister's home and his room to one of the two; it breaks up the flow as the reader has to stop and think about it.

About this time, Mary Morris living in Boston was engaged to be married to one Philip Edwards.
1-You need a comma after Morris.
2-You need a comma after Boston.

Philip too, enlisted (in his case the Army) and subsequently was sent to the European theater.
1-The European theater?
2-You need a comma after Philip.
3-You need a comma after the second paranthesis.

For the lovely Pacific Coast city was doing the trick, distracting her from her lost love as well as providing her with a new locale to create new memories and perhaps even call home.
Cut out For from the beginning of the sentence.

Mary, through the family friend she was staying with found a job at a department store downtown and began looking for a place of her own.
You need a comma after with.

Seeing this advert, Mary contacted Alex’s sister (whose name was Julie by the way) and agreed to rent the room.
The notation about Julie in this sentence distracts from the flow and I wonder if it's necessary. If it is, make it more sophisticated.

Caught unawares, Alex startled Mary severely when he noisily entered the bedroom and began loudly protesting her presence.
Cut out the "s" in unawares.

The next morning, introductions were made, explanations given, Alex softened somewhat and Mary found him beguiling even, somewhat surprisingly, attractive.
The last part of this sentence should like this:
and Mary found him beguiling; even, somewhat surprisingly, attractive.
Be wary of your use of punctuation.

Mary and Alex's lives, you see, are based on my parents' and I am one of those seven sons.
You need a comma after parents'.

Mary loved George until the day he died, nearly fifty years later.
Is it George or Alex? *Worry*

You have written this piece in chronological order, which is your system of organization, but I am definitely lacking a solid foundation for the events--Why do they matter? Why are they so closely involved? You don't give some events enough depth--i.e., the wedding--but others you spend unnecessary time on, i.e., moving to San Francisco. Choose which path you want to take.

*Note1* Final Impression *Note1*

I think that you need to work on tightening both the technical and literal aspects of the piece--they are currently very vague. I don't think you get the reader involved enough in the piece for it to matter. Work towards a smoothly flowing piece that tells this lovely tale of two people meeting, especially since they represent your parents.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work. *Star*

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool*
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13
13
Review of Snowy Sorrow  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

*Star* Welcome to Writing.Com! *Star*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your item today. If you have any comments about this review, please email me.

Any suggestions given are my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

Your images, when taken outside of the poetic context, are rather strong. I like your use of colors and adjectives (when necessary), as they add to the overall touch of the poem and therefore prod the reader to continue reading.

No specific spelling or grammar mistakes, yet again! *Smile*

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

Your tenses are...messed up in this poem. You go from past tense, to present tense, and back again, all in three or four lines. I think you need to sit down and figure out what exactly you're tryin to get out of this poem.

In the end, the piece is a bit overdramatic for me because I don't feel you pull enough emotions through in order to get the reader involved in the process of being blown away, etc.

Make sure to use punctuation. In some poems, it's not necessary, but I think that here you ought to use it because it will assist with the flow.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

Overall, I grant you a 3.0 for an average piece of work. You need to determine what your goal is--the overarching message--and then mold the piece technically and literally to fit it, as right now it's a bit of a mess.

Thank you for sharing your work.

May your Muse be with you! *Cool*
*Heart* Isabella

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14
14
Review of Broken Hearts  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

*Star* Welcome to Writing.Com! *Star*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your item today. If you have any comments about this review, please email me.

Any suggestions given are my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

No spelling mistakes!

Due to the fact that the poem did not make any sense to me, I am unable to offer any comments about the quality of the writing...

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

Broken Hearts??
Don't double up in question marks if this poem ought to be sophisticated.

They are the game.
They are the game? I don't understand where you draw this from, and therefore I am already lost as the reader.

Than a slew of stinkin' FARTS.
Don't capitalize to give impact; instead, use italics with the {i} and {/i} tags. *Smile*

This poem did not make any logical sense to me.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

Overall, I grant you a 2.0. I think you need to figure out where you are trying to get with this piece of poetry and then work to get there. It will require a bit of technical and literal work, but I don't have a doubt that you will get there with a bit of time!

Thank you for sharing your work.

May your Muse be with you! *Cool*
*Heart* Isabella

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15
15
Review of So She Dances  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

*Star* Welcome to Writing.Com! *Star*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your item today. If you have any comments about this review, please email me.

Any suggestions given are my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

I loved this piece of poetry! I thought it was absolutely fantastic. Josh Groban is a favorite artist of mine as well and I can definitely see, to a degree, where your images are drawn from. Nicely done.

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

The crowd is a shadow;
Enchanted.

I assume you are referring to the crowd here; if you are, then the semi-colon ought to be a comma in order to properly flow from one statement to the next. *Smile*

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

As soon as you clear up that little grammar technicality, I think that this piece of poetry will be widely enjoyed around the WDC community. You did a fine job with it!

Thank you for sharing your work.

May your Muse be with you! *Cool*
*Heart* Isabella

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16
16
Review of Longing  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

*Star* Welcome to Writing.Com! *Star*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your item today. If you have any comments about this review, please email me.

Any suggestions given are my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

I like the idea behind this poem; it was a good subject to write a poem on and I think that at most times you drew great connections from your stanzas to your title; some images represented longing very well.

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

The only issue that I had with this poem was that some images were just extremely unclear and it troubled me that I could not figure out what you were trying to say; in other words, you were very vague...

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

Overall, the poem was not bad. I think you did a pretty good job with it! Simply make sure that the images you draw are not too vague.

Thank you for sharing your work.

May your Muse be with you! *Cool*
*Heart* Isabella

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17
17
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your item today. If you have any comments about this review you're welcome to email me.

Any suggestions given are my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

Scattered rainbows--what fabulous things to write about, especially in poetic form...I think you took full advantage of the beauty of your apartment and rode with it all the way to the end. As a reader, I was pleasantly surprised and very excited by the wonderful images you had.

No spelling errors!

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

Here are a few grammatical considerations for you:

Shapes and shadows, lit-up by dancing rays
illuminating, fascinating sprays,

You need some type of punctuation at the end of the first line.

All dark recedes, is broken as when dawn breaks up the night.
This line does not make sense in context of the stanza.

Subconscious thought twists and chases an elusive dream.
Vibrant shafts of images to my mind's surface stream.

The second line is not a grammatically correct sentence, so you may want to consider changing the period from the first line to a comma.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

Overall, I think this was an interesting topic to write about! *Smile* You did a good job with the images, and there are only a few technical issues that may have to be taken care of before this is a perfect piece.

Thank you for sharing your work.

May your Muse be with you! *Cool*
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18
18
Review of Unbroken  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your item today. If you have any comments about this review you're welcome to email me.

Any suggestions given are my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

I loved your rhythm; it added to and strengthened the flow, making the poem so much easier to fall in love with! *Smile* I think that you did a fabulous job with the imagery; as I read it, I could feel the emotion and see my own visuals of the occurences, though they were all rooted back to yours.

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

"Come home,"
a plea unheard.

I don't think that a plea unheard is a tag for the dialogue, so you should add a colon or a dash, instead of a comma.

*Worry* My only slight problem with the poem was that in a few moments it seemed too over-edited, just a bit too perfect. It's hard to explain.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

Overall, I grant you a 4.5, simply because the one error you may choose to disagree with my comments; I think that it's not 100% natural, but it has gotten to the best that it can be technically.

Thank you for sharing your work.

May your Muse be with you! *Cool*
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19
19
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your item today. If you have any comments about this review you're welcome to email me.

Any suggestions given are my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

This is a beautiful piece of poetry. *Smile*

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

In order to assist you with the technical part of this poem, I simply offer these suggestions:

To my ailing mother
I think you can place a colon at the end of this sentence.

You're my angel without wings,
This is its own sentence.

You've taught me so many cool things,
Like "You don't get your head to wear hat alone"

Make the first line its own sentence and cut out like in the second.

You smiled and said, :You've done me proud,
You're missing the apostrophe.

So let me be there for you too
1-Place a comma after you.
2-Add a period at the end of the sentence.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

A touching, beautiful piece of poetry that deserves nothing but applause.

Thank you for sharing your work. I pray for you!

May your Muse be with you! *Cool*
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20
20
Review of Mind Dance  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your item today. If you have any comments about this review you're welcome to email me.

Any suggestions given are my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

This poem was unusually free. I liked how you opened yourself up to the words of the poem and let it flow--it flowed freely through the reader's fingers, without too many interruptions. Beautifully written.

The underlying theme--mind dance--shows through rather well. I enjoyed it.

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

I schemed, then dreamed, in rainbow-honeyed hues it seemed.
You should place a comma after hues.

I see, you, me, together experiencing ecstasy.
Is the comma after see necessary? *Worry*

You should come back to this poem and reread it in order to ensure that every single word that you use has a meaning. There were a few places where I think you can tighten the lines and make the poem a lot stronger.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

Overall, interesting direction that you took. I loved the freedom; the freedom was, for me, the best part of reading the piece. Look to the technical side and clarify a few things--you'll be on your way from there! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for sharing your work.

May your Muse be with you! *Cool*
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21
21
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

*Star* Welcome to Writing.Com! *Star*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your item today. If you have any comments about this review, please email me.

Any suggestions given are my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

Most of your rhymes are not forced; they flow naturally. There are a few places where I think it could be tightened and I have noted those spots below. *Smile*

The idea for this poem is great! Your images and choices for change all are strong justifiers for a world of your own.

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

The world as my design
Would be a great place to walk.

A great place to walk? I think that image is too vague; you should tighten it.

Wouldn’t matter what you weighed,
Perhaps it would be better to say weigh?

Your last two stanzas border on very childish, and I think you ought to remain consistent in the "point of view" that you are taking--shall it be a great place due to the lack of evil, lack of social harms, or shall it be a great place due to childish fantasies? If it is both, you need to do a better job in making the transitions from idea to idea sound less abrupt.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

Overall, I grant you a 3.5. I feel as if the poem needs some technical and literal work in order to be a better piece. I have listed my comments above.

Additionally, though, be wary of what you put into your descriptions--the part of your description that reads "everyday would be fun" led me to believe you would have a different type of poem and I was, to a degree, disappointed as the reader.

Thank you for sharing your work.

May your Muse be with you! *Cool*
*Heart* Isabella

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22
22
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

*Star* Welcome to Writing.Com! *Star*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your item today. If you have any comments about this review, please email me.

Any suggestions given are my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

You have chosen an interesting topic to write about. It must simply be expanded. *Smile*

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

The energy at the edge of the universe may become its actual reciprocal when it turns into matter.
This sentence is a bit confusing, as your modifier--its--can refer to multiple things. *Smile*

The static relationship between the energy and the matter may define the state of the universe in it's energetic form.
it's should be its.

The equation by Albert Einstein, E=MC^2 may be very well define my statement of the way I think of the energetic sate of the universe.
1-You need a comma after the equation.
2-Did you mean state?

If this is supposed to be an essay, it is not one at the moment--there is no thesis statement to which you link all of your points (of which you only have one), etc. Currently, it's a summary of what you think...

I would also downsize on the amount of personal voice you use.

You are repetitive when it comes to the universe, energy, and the equation--this could all be summed up in one sentence.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

Overall, this needs work--it needs to be tightened, clarified, and expanded upon before it can be a solid piece of writing that relates to the expansion of the universe. *Smile*

Thank you for sharing your work.

May your Muse be with you! *Cool*
*Heart* Isabella

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23
23
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, fellow writer! *Reading*

*Star* Welcome to Writing.Com! *Star*

It is my pleasure to be reviewing your item today. If you have any comments about this review, please email me.

Any suggestions given are my opinion only. Change what you believe in and what suits you.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

The memories in this piece are beautiful. You sketch a wonderful portrait of your childhood--what those memories are and what they mean to me. You bring my own memories back to flood me, thefore doing your job as a writer in portraying the happenings of the story.

You chose finite images--hobos, and specific flowers, and bees. I like how it was not too vague.

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

When I was a young girl, we lived in a second floor apartment in an old, red brick apartment building that housed four apartments.
You repeat the base apartment three times in this sentence. Is there any way to improve the flow without that repetition?

There was little lawn in front of my building, just a small patch of green divided by the sidewalk leading to the front door.
Did you mean that 'There was a little lawn'?

In back of the building I lived in, there was a large, grassy field with a large hill that stood opposite our apartment.
I think that, instead of In back of, you should say Behind.

We'd catch bees in pickle jars with holes poked in the top of the caps so the bees would be able to breath.
1-Cut out in the top of; there is no other rational place to poke caps, so it distracts from the sentence.
2-The correct word is breathe.
3-Change would be able to to could.

In the winter, we'd trudge to the end of the field to the hill to go sled riding.
Would it be easier to say sledding?

We'd go so fast, just as excited as could be, trudging back up the hill again and again.
I suggest that you change just as excited as could be to as excited as we could be to keep the flow smoother.

We would pick wild berries and eat to our heart's content, our fingers and mouths stained purple or red.
I think that wildberries is one word.

We'd pick wildflowers and bring them home to our mothers.
You mention in another part of the piece that you bring flowers to your mothers--I would make this different in some manner; how exactly you do that is up to you.

I mentioned above that the piece may not be too vague, but I think it is vague in a few aspects. You could tighten your memories by providing specific emotions, straying from repetitions, and perhaps giving a clearer system of organization--in this draft, you switch ideas by switching seasons, though you only touch upon two of four. Establish a clearer system. *Smile*

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

Overall, I grant you a 4.0 for the strength of your memories and your talent in putting them into a piece like this; there are, however, some technical aspects that you may need to address. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for sharing your work.

May your Muse be with you! *Cool*
*Heart* Isabella

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24
24
Review of Bug Reporting  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
SM,

This is a great place for writers to come and get help with any of their problems. *Smile* I like the logo, and the "rules" are clearly laid out in order to assist those stopping by.

You are missing a period in one spot:
These are only pesky... not dastardly *Smile*

Otherwise, there is nothing else that needs to be changed!


Best,
Isa
25
25
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Reading* Thank you for your review request. *Reading*


Greetings! *Bigsmile* Please remember that any given suggestions are my opinion only.

*Note4* Likes *Note4*

I loved it. *Smile* I liked your language, the message, the setting, the proclamation of what I found to be true. It was great.

*Note5* Dislikes *Note5*

Make sure to stay consistent in your use of punctuation--if you're going to use it, use it every time it's necessary, otherwise your poem looks messy.

are brown, bare, and dead,
Your trunk grey, with decay begun,

1-Make the comma after dead a semi-colon.
2-Make Your lower-cased.

*Note1* Overall Impression/Final Comments *Note1*

I grant you a 4.5 for the few technical mistakes you make as well as your incosistency in punctuation. Overall, though, I liked it and walk away with a solid impression of your writing. *Bigsmile*

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work. *Star*

May your Muse be with you!
*Cool*
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