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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ashleystryker
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9 Public Reviews Given
11 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
***Please note that I am a professional writer & editor and will read your work from a commercial/trained POV, as well as that of a casual reader.*** That said, I will *never* solely criticize a piece, nor will I state that something's "bad" and then not offer suggestions to rectify the issue. I also work to find good pieces in a work, as there is always something to applaud in any piece (no matter how small). All of that said, if I think a story needs work or a serious overhaul, is cliche, or simply can't stand as currently written, I will say so and rate the piece accordingly. Also note that there's a difference between being a good *writer* and being a good *storyteller.* Not all well-written pieces are particularly good stories, and not all stories are written in a way that makes for easy reading. If you want more specificity in my reviews than provided, just PM me and I'll see if I can add more examples. I will not edit a piece for you, however; it's up to you to make the changes.
I'm good at...
General grammar, the mysterious "flow," dialogue, characterization, and id'ing other people's infodumps. As a professional writer and editor, I have a trained eye for what works and what fails; as a reader, I can spot a good story and writing, typically within the first few pages.
Favorite Genres
Fiction, romance, fantasy, sci-fi, coming of age--the usual list of suspects.
Least Favorite Genres
Horror, crime, mystery, poetry, and non-fiction essays. (I really hated writing them, and I don't particularly enjoy reading them.)
Favorite Item Types
Statics, short stories, chapters, novels.
Least Favorite Item Types
Essays, anything "gimmicky"
I will not review...
Anyone who does not seem to take criticism well from other reviewers, and I'm sure I'll come up with more restrictions as we go along.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Ashley Stryker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Speaking as someone who's about as poetic as the roadkill I passed this morning, I really loved this description of what it takes to be inspired and how to overcome writer's block as a poet. The line that really resonated with me was "real masters write about insignificant objects while they imply a bigger picture." The same concept applies to writing stories, too--people think you have to write about dragons and kings and all the other great white-knight sort of stuff, while forgetting that an even greater power can be found from writing about the everyday sorts of things.

But I digress. The quotes you grab from various poets are fantastic, as are the examples you choose. I would've loved to see you borrow quotations from the works themselves to really illustrate your points--how does "The Snake That Dances" evoke the movement of a snake in the reader?--but overall, I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing this piece!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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Review of The Wish  Open in new Window.
Review by Ashley Stryker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi, YellowRose! I was looking through the top reviewers page for items to read and found your profile. I clicked on a whim for this piece of flash fiction, so that's how I ended up here. Note that this is all just my opinion, of course, which means that you're free to take what you like and dump what you disagree with.

First of all, the piece is cohesive, which is great, and doesn't try to do too much, which is equally fantastic. Right off, I noticed that you have "liked" in past tense and then write the rest in present, so I'd just switch that to "likes" to maintain your consistency. (I'd also switch "She was taught" to "She learned," also to maintain flow and consistency.) There should also be a comma after "catches one" to frame it in the sentence properly, but I think that's it for grammar bits.

That small bit of niggling aside, I'm of two minds with this story. On the one hand, you're writing from a little girl's perspective, which accounts for a more simplistic language style. On the other, I'm having difficult becoming engaged with your description of events. I feel like you're more "telling" me what's going on rather than "showing" me. For example, instead of telling us that she learned somewhere that butterflies carry wishes to heaven, maybe try something along the lines of "Everyone knows that butterflies carry wishes to Heaven." (That's really rough, but it's good enough for an example.)

Overall, it's a lovely sentiment, but I think the writing should be stronger to evoke a more visceral reaction in your audience. I'd love to read this again if you ever decide to make any revisions! :)

Again, thanks for posting, and thanks for reviewing lots of people! It's really fantastic that you do that. :)

~Ashley


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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3
Review of The Fairy  Open in new Window.
Review by Ashley Stryker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi! Thanks for sharing this story with us. I have a few thoughts for you to help you improve this piece.

*First of all, let me say a heartfelt thank you for your editing of this piece before it went public. You clearly know the rules and limits of writing, and have even kept your paragraphs to readable nuggets for us to digest. Thank you so much for this.

*So then, my problems with this piece lie not in the nitty-gritty details, but what you're trying to do. In something like 500-600 words, a half-fairy sees it's raining and goes outside. Someone--I'm presuming a mortal--discovers her. While this is a bare-bones summary, nothing much else happens. You spend the majority of your time giving us a background that we don't really need for what happens in this snippet. Why do we need to know her entire life history for the first few paragraphs? It's unnecessary detail for a short story.

*Also, weird semantic question: How is she a water fairy when her mother was a love spirit? And why would a water fairy have wings? (By including the background that you did, you're inviting these sorts of questions that a short story this long can't support.)

*While you do a lovely job of establishing person, place, and tension--she's been discovered! Oh no!--you just leave it there. Even for a short story, which can be known for its abrupt endings that leave someone wondering, I feel like this set up--combined with the extra detail you gave us--is the start of a new story. It feels more like a prologue rather than a stand-alone.

I understand the rating I gave was low, and I'm truly sorry for that. Still, I don't feel that this is a story that can be classified as a singular story at the moment; rather, it's the start of something bigger. If you decide to make revisions, please PM me and I'd be happy to re-review this piece for you.

Good luck in the contest, and have a great day!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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4
Review of Heal  Open in new Window.
Review by Ashley Stryker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there! Hope you're having a great day.

I liked this haiku more than I would have thought. You manage to convey a grand story of love and healing in only... 5+7+5... 17 syllables, which is quite impressive!

Still, I miss the traditional nature metaphor that really makes haikus sing for me. The imagery and the sensual poetic language one usually finds in items like this is also absent. You "tell" us the whole story rather than implying or showing it to us. There are people who like that straight-forward, no-nonsense style in their poetry, of course, but it's not to my taste.

Great effort, though, and I wish you the best of luck with your contest! :)

~Ashley


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by Ashley Stryker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
Good morning! Thanks for sharing this chapter with everyone--it takes a brave person to seek constructive feedback.

This chapter read much like a rough draft for me, mostly due to its grammatical errors. I would suggest having a writer you trust take a look through just for proofreading purposes, paying attention to dialogue and missed commas/punctuation. Generally speaking, dialogue has commas at the end of a statement but before the closing quotation mark ("Oh my word, I thought I had done that," she said. Also notice that the first word after a bit of dialogue is not capitalized, as the ending dialogue isn't typically considered a full stop.)

You're missing a few commas, too, for dependent clauses and such. (One particularly pertinent example is: "As Kenton exited the carriage and did a few stretches the man and the boy descended the steps towards him." You need a comma after "stretches" as part of the introductory clause.)

You've also got tense issues. Take this snippet here:

The gates were something to behold, they look to be made of dark seamless wood. There are no bolts, rivets or metal bands to be seen. The gates are attached to the wall using very large hinges that disappear into the wood with no visible sign of their existence. Such a door would be unbreachable by any means; this too spoke of the powerful magic within the city.

^You're switching between past ("were" & "spoke") and present ("look," "are," & "disappear") for no reason I can see. Pick a tense and stick with it throughout the piece!

The grammar stuff is all semantics, but it really takes away from the reading experience and creates a very choppy read for anyone trying to immerse themselves into the story. It's important to get right.

Anyway, on to the meaty stuff--the plot and characterization and...stuff!

*I particularly enjoyed how you opened the chapter with Kenton being unable to write his letter! That was a very clever way to not only introduce the protagonist but his character, as well.

*There's a bunch of infodump in your dialogue and it clogs the story. One immediate examples I can think of is at the start:

"I would say it should take us at least fifteen minutes to reach the gates and depending on how crowded it is we should be there in an hour" said the driver.

"Why does it take so long to get around in the city?"

"We must go slower and stop more often in the city plus the Archium and the headship schools are in the upper areas of the city, it's just about the farthest from the gates and market place".

^Why do I need to know any of that right now? At this point, I think it's unnecessary and sounds artificial in the dialogue. There are a couple instances like that, so keep your eyes open for it.

*The universe seems quite intricate and planned, which is always nice. I love the redefining of "clout" as a measurement of magical power!

*While you place the story at the start of the story arc--Kentin is the newest master at a prestigious university--I feel like there's little reason for me to worry or care about this protagonist. He's got no problems aside from arrogance, is so powerful that he's made a master at what seems to be a very young age with absolutely no justification given for such power, and he's not struggling in any way. Where are his doubts? His fears? He doesn't even seem to have any sort of enemies whatsoever. If this is a story of his fall from grace, we're shown no reason for us to care that he falls; if this is a story of his ascension to power and accomplishment of great deeds, you started him too high.

At this point, the story is reading more like a personal daydream rather than the start of a novel or epic story. The protagonist is powerful, well-connected, and with no flaws other than arrogance--which, in this chapter, seems to be completely justified. Unfortunately, this would not be a story I would continue reading as-is. Get some help with the grammar stuff and start thinking about why a reader would root for Kenton. Make him a little less perfect, prove/show to us that he deserves this position, and that'll make for a much better read. If you do some dramatic overhauls, I'd be willing to read this over again for you! :)

Have a great day, and good luck on your revisions!

~Ashley
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