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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ash93
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61 Public Reviews Given
96 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Boundless  Open in new Window.
Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really liked this! My favorite line was "let's thunder out on the grand highway"- pretty cool. The only thing I'd suggest changing is last line; it just seemed a little cliched and predictable. but overall i loved it =) write on!
Ash
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Review of Nature Never Told  Open in new Window.
Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is so beautiful, thoughtful, touching, and wonderful. But you know that. Thanks for sharing this!
-Ash
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Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really like this! One suggestion I'd make is to mke the message (if you meant there to be one) a little clearer.... when you say 'sometimes, wait is eternal", are you trying to imply that if you just sit around and hope/wish/dream, nothing will come of your dreams? That having dreams is important because they provide motivation? Or are you simply saying that everyone wishes for things they don't get? I thouht ths was really thoughful and intriguing- i especially liked the stanza about unshared sunrises/sunsets, but i think if you put if more though and direction into this poem it would even better! thanks for sharing this and please write on!
-ash
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Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
haha i love this, it's cute and fun! It flows well. one little suggestion: don't let the desire to rhyme ever dictate what you're trying to say... a few of the rhymes, like the one in the last stanza (taste/waste) seemed a little forced. Overall i thought this was great! write onnn
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Review of True Silence  Open in new Window.
Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really like this! I love poems that convey a thoughful, creative idea. It flows well and is just overall lovely.

-One line I thought could use some editing was 'do we really need to speak; passion a universal language'- it's a little confusing. What about "Do we really need to speak out loud? We have passion, a universal language." I don't know if that works or not, but you might want to change that line just a little, somehow...
-typo: shriek was misspelled in the last stanza.
This is awesome, please write on :)

ash
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Review of Pink Ribbon  Open in new Window.
Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think it's really good! I love the idea of being bound but not captive, of being hopeful and free despite having such a deadly disease. It's a really creative, fresh way at looking at cancer.

A few suggestions:
-"that they will not fear that they will be sentenced to be bound in sickness and pain": is a little awkwardly worded.. you could try something like "They day when women no longer fear cancer's binding sentence of lasting sickness and pain"
-In the last stanza, i noticed a typo- you wrote 'cone' instead of 'come'.
-Just work a little on the phrasing, expand the vocabulary a little... make it flow!

For a first attempt this is really impressive, definitely keep working on it!

-Ash
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Review of White Rose  Open in new Window.
Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow what an unexpected twist! This was written very well and for the most part I thought the rhyme and and meter was really good! The 2nd to last stanza was particularly clever and well-done.
The only line I felt didn't work so well was the last one, actually. It just felt wrong, but that's just me.
Honestly, I loved this.
Keep writing!
ash
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Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey, i thought this was really good! I know the feeling.

The title really pulled me in- its perfect!

My favorite line? "world domination, as plotted by mice.../ to stick to just one idea would be nice" haha that's clever.

here's a few suggestions: the 7th stanza is a little hard to understand, i'd change it a little to make it clearer.
Also, "questing for the great idea i might not ever find" doesn't flow that well- i'd try something like 'questing for that great idea i fear ill never find" or somthing like that.
Overall, awesome piece. Write on!
Ash
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Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was so sweet! I thought the whole thing was heartfelt and beautifully written. My favorite line? The last two! Pretty clever (: I hope one day (not quite in the near future) to be a mom, and i know i'll feel the same way: i'll pray to be a great mom, to raise a great kid.
Anyway, this was an excellent poem, and please write on!
-Ash
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Review of Duke Of Wentley  Open in new Window.
Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, you were kind enough to review one of my poems, so i thought i'd return the favor!
Okay, so i have very little experience with poe- i just remember my 6th grade teacher horrifying me (in a good way) by reading the black cat to me... So, please forgive me if this review isn't very helpful. Anyway, I enjoyed this! The only problem I had with it was it seemed almost like an outline for a great story, like you could have written more! Overall, though, it was very enjoyable to read.

Here's a few suggestions:

Make the sentence, "How the devil’s men had known every twist and turn my loyal subjects made and had waited accordingly" into a question, so the reader feels more suspense.

struck me[;](not comma)

Overall, great! Please write on!
-Ash
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Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
THis was an amazing poem! It wasn't depressing and packed with emotion, but rather, with sights and memories. It has the feeling of light regret, slightly like a dream. What a great read!
I had many favorite lines, but one in particular:
"love and fractured vows... only youth could claim". Beautiful and brilliant!

One small suggestion i had was in the first paragraph- I'd change the line 'riding carboard over ice'- it just doesn't fit with the rest of the poem for some reason.

Thanks for sharing, and please write on!
-Ash
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Review of Inside My Head  Open in new Window.
Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thanks for sharing this! Someone once told me that lyrics are just words not good enough to be called poetry, but if they read this, i think they'd disagree. (:

Here are a few minor suggestions/typos i found:

-2nd line- 'now i just cannot lo[o]se'
-In the second to last stanza, try to remain constant with your rhyming scheme...

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this.
Please write on!
-Ash
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Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thanks for sharing this! I love coincidential true stories like this, and found it very interesting!
Great job.
Write on!
-Ash
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Review of "Leave Me Alone!"  Open in new Window.
Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was excellent! Not only did you describe the character and her life story w/o boring the reader, you did it beautifully! I loved the ending and the overall story was lighthearted and just fun to read!
The only thing I can suggest is.. make it longer! I want to see where this goes. (=
Thanks for sharing this.
-Ash
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Review of Autumn Twilight  Open in new Window.
Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow, i thought this was a really cool poem! I loved how it the beginning and end were the same, so it was like a circle.

my fav lines: tawny twigs tango in the trees!
I love it (=

One suggestion I'd like to make is to work on how it flows- the line 'auburn leaves skip along each gust' are a little hard to say- they don't really flow so well.

Overall, this is a beautiful poem! Thanks so much for sharing it!

-Ash
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Review of I will still...  Open in new Window.
Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thanks for sharing this! It's very sad/sweet. I loved how you repeated 'i will still' a lot- it really made a point! The only suggestion i would make is to try and break the pattern a little and do something unexpected with it!
Overall, i really liked this poem! keep writing!
-Ash
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Review of Spring  Open in new Window.
Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem was very enjoyable to read! it is written, i believe, with the mood of spring- light and cheerful.

My favorite line is 'Nature's Missive/ "winter's past"'. lovely!

here's a few suggesions/questions i had:
-"bees, drift, lazy" is there a reason why you put a comma after bees?
-The only stanza that needs a little work is the last one

Overall, i loved this poem! keep writing! (=
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Review of The Ancients  Open in new Window.
Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a beautiful piece of writing! There are a bunch of grammatical errors, esp. involving commas, but content-wise this is excellent! i especially like how you use a "presence" as...global warming, perhaps? it's hard to tell. My favorite pair of words is "unending death"- that fits the idea of global warming. I'm just curious- you said it accidently turned pro-green... what did you originally intend it to be?
Anyway, great job. Write on!
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Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am very impressed by this poem. I can tell you are very restless and sick of your life- i bet a lot of people can relate. I like the lines, "And take me up and out of here/ and into a battle i shall call my home" Ahh great! so unexpected and ironic! (: you're an excellent writer.
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Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Aw! the girl who gets this poem is very lucky! i wish my boyfriend wrote me poems like this. Ok, my favorite lines are 'she's the one who set my soul free/ that girl is my one and only you'. Love it! The only advise i have is to change the lines "i don't care what others say, i don't mind what they see...just as long as we're meant to be" I don't think the girl reading this would be too flattered by that- it's kind of suggesting that people would think something of you if you liked her/asked her out.. do you see what i mean?
But overall, this poem was very sweet and heartfelt- great job!
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Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am an American. I agree! The only problem i have with this 'poem' is the anger throughout it- it's brilliant, yes, but the tone is anti-war, and anti-war based poems are usually a bit more peaceful. Don't get me wrong- I can see why you're angry- but sometimes anger insights more anger, not action. but yes, thank god bush's term is just about over. great job! brilliant!
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Review of Opposites  Open in new Window.
Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
hahah! this was so clever! i loved it!! i'd tell you what my favorite line is, but they're all my favorite!my ONLY suggestion is the order is a bit scattered and random- if you feel like it, you may want to arrange it by some theme- either literally from head to toe, or some other deep theme... but overall, excellent!! (:
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Review of Courage  Open in new Window.
Review by ash Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
i loved this poem! it flowed beautifully, and i know how hard it is to rhyme w/o sounding fake... soo good job! the only thing that needs work is the line 'against a stronger man'; if you are a male, i would suggest saying 'against stronger hands' instead. oh, and i LOVE the line, 'then shave off all my fears'! brilliant.
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