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Review of The Trap  Open in new Window.
Review by Arwee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
It was the tenth night. Ten nights of constant conspiracy.
- Although it works as it is right now you also have the option of replacing that period with a comma to join these two sentences together. This is to increse flow and reduce the amount of stops your reader has to do.

Rosie hardly remembered the last time she had slept soundly.
- Although written in past-tense, too much use of the word 'had' causes your prose to shift into passive voice. In this instance you don't really need the word 'had' in there and it can be removed to increase flow and reduce repetition.

Rosie remembered how she had smiled with satisfaction at the elaboration of her efforts.
- Again too much use of the word 'had' causes passive voice situations. I suggest removing that instance of the word had, it also causes repetition in your prose.

Oh! How she would have loved loved to see him crib for freedom, to squeak and cry out in a last urge to survive.
A few things about this..
- That extra 'loved' should be removed.
- The only definition for crib that could work for this context is, 'To confine in or as if in a crib.' Which considering the situation, doesn't make that much sense. I suggest you replace that word with another word for clarity.
- Start a new paragraph beginning this this sentence. As of right now your piece is essentially one giant paragraph. If you start a new paragraph here, it holds the reader's attention better. As well as tells your reader that a new thought process has started, and it has.

She could almost visualize the entrapment
- Entrapment has two definitions. Both of those definitions mean two things. On one hand your subject is already trapped. On the other, it is in the process of being trapped. It works as it is, but I suggest perhaps replacing the word 'entrapment' with the word 'capture'. This is to me makes your statement more concise, but it is ultimately your decision.

She could almost visualize the entrapment
- Funny thing about the word 'almost' is that it weakens almost every sentence it makes an appearance in. I suggest removing the word 'almost' to strengthen your statement.

his alimentary canal exploding under the quick spreading chemical
- As far as I know, there is no current known chemical (and hopefully not one on the market) that would cause any sort of canal in a small mammal to explode. Unless there is some sort of product that does do this, in which case you may need to clarify it.

Rosie's thoughts scattered like some frayed clouds on a clear morning sky.
- Again, start a new paragraph here. You do this to spread out big blocks of text because readers are scared of big blocks of text. They see one and immediately think, 'ah man, that's really long.' Then they settle in for what they pre-determine from the length to be a long haul, even if the paragraph is exciting and well written. It's a psychology thing, and writers often have to keep it in mind.

Julie , her teenaged daughter, had just returned
- Note where I placed the comma. Generally commas are placed before and after, informational tidbits that offer information but aren't neccessary in the sentence structure. Like above. *Bigsmile*

''So he's gone again, huh mom !''
- You need to format your dialogue. All dialogue that another character, besides the active one, is speaking should be placed on a new paragraph. This is a very important way to format dialogue as it tells your reader who is talking, and it also signals dialogue switches. In the clump that you have your dialogue right now, it causes some confusion.

Rosie, shaken from her thoughts, realised how stupid she looked .
- Note where I placed the commas, much like the situation above.
- Also the word 'stupid' in this context doesn't match with the more elaborate words you used above. I suggest replacing it with a more descriptive word, perhaps 'ridiculous', 'foolish'. Or describe her stance, how was she standing, was she in a ridiculous position? Hair draped over her face like a madwoman? Those little details really help when a reader is trying to visualize a scene.

''Its been ten days since i've been trying to get him, my grocery's over by a week''. ''I'll just have to call the pest repellant people now, its getting out of hand.''
A few things about this...
- The word 'Its' is currently a possessive, you want it as the contraction of 'it is' in which case it should be 'it's'.
- Capitalize that lowercase 'i'.
- That comma I've bolded should be a period and the subsequent 'm' should be capitalized to reflect that.
- the word 'grocery's' is currently a possessive, you want it as a plural so it should be 'groceries'.
- If Rosie's still talking there those end and start quotes need to go. The period can stay.
- I've never heard of pest repellant people. Did you mean the exterminators? Or the pest control?
- Is this really the end? I get the feeling it isn't.

General Comments:
- I get the feeling at the end of your story there that there should be more to it. Should there be? If so you may need to indicate it with an author's note. If it truly is the end I felt the conclusion needed for definition or something that signalled the short story was over. I still have the feeling that there should be something after this.
- You have to format this piece and put it into paragraphs, especially the dialogue, as it can get very confusing for a reader if nothing is formatted.
- Watch out for your terminology, sometimes you used big words that could have easily been small words instead, to allow more flow to your story.

Otherwise though, you have an interesting story. Good work.
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27
Review by Arwee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
It was a dark night in the Indian streets of Delhi.
- I suggest removing the word 'Indian', readers have already inferred that they are in India from the mentioning of Delhi.

and the soft soils of India was his bed.
- I suggest removing that 's' it would make the rest of the sentence flow better. The 'soft soil' also sounds better in conjuction with the word 'was'.

yet the negligible sounds of he rustling of the leaves
- Nothing big, just forgot to put the 't' in 'the'. *Wink*

person trying to sleep already in conditions unfit to sleep.
- The word 'already' is bulky in this context, I suggest removing it.
- Also the second mentioning of the word 'sleep causes this to read as repetition although you did mean it to be on purpose. I suggest perhaps re-wording the bolded portion to, 'in conditions which were unfit to do so'.

the 50 year old man lying there was not disturbed by anything.
- It's generally a good rule to spell out numbers when you're writing a story. Unless that number is in its numerical form for visualization purposes.

His life was nothing so important for others.
- I'm not certain as to what you mean by this statement, did you mean to say that 'His life was not important to others'? I think this may need to be re-written for clarity.

He hadnt done anything great according to others.
- The word 'hadnt' needs an apostrophe to be 'hadn't'.

It would be no exaggaration
- 'exaggaration' should be spelt, 'exaggeration'. No biggy. *Wink*

you might realize that his works were really great.
- This sentence causes repetition, it's also worded a bit awkwardly. I suggest re-writing it to, 'you may realize how great (marvelous, wonderous, beautiful) it is.' You can replace great with a more descriptive and specific verb if you'd like, the ones in the brackets are only suggestions. *Wink*

In fact, greater than many other great people.
- Watch out for the use of the word 'great'. It's generally a very vague word that most writers tend to avoid using because it lacks description and aim. I suggest re-writing this sentence to something like... 'In fact, his work was great than many other's.'

He never took a rest in his life.
- I think you just missed putting in 'a' here.

Many recognized him as a very helpful and great worker.
- Watch the word 'great', it's not descriptive and I notice a lot of repetition of it in your piece. This may be on purpose, but the word is generally weak and serves to weaken your prose as a result.

He, with the broomstick in his hand, looked like a royal king with a staff in the hand.
- I suggest removing the bolded portion, it's not really required in the context and slows down your statement.
- Otherwise this is a really beautiful sentence and very vivid.

the speed remained the same
- The speed of what? I know you're referring to the speed of his labor, but some readers may need this to be clarified.

These well-known people might have got more of fame than they deserved.
- I suggest replacing the word 'got' with the word 'gotten'.
- I suggest removing the word 'of' entirely.

which he searched for his broomstick
- Added the word 'for' here to increase flow and clarity.

Even his thirty years old clothes were clean and looked as if they were new.
- I suggest removing the bolded 's'.

people started staring at this person while they went to shops.
- Placed the word 'at' in here to increase sentence flow and clarity.

an ambassador came in a car that screeched while braking to halt.
- What did the ambassador come in that screeched? I realize you meant to tell us that it was a motor car and it could be inferred from the screeching, but readers like to be told beforehand. *Wink*

Its only because of people like you
- The word 'its' here should be 'it's'.

Technical Aspects:

- I recognized that you're telling this in a certain style and way of speaking, but sometimes that style can get a bit distracting. Such as when you leave out words that can add flow to your writing, words such as 'at', and 'a'. I've highlighted the most obvious ones above. But if may be good for your reader if you went through and filled in some areas where an 'at' or an 'a' can improve sentence flow?

- There were also instances of some awkward wording, I'm not certain if this is a sideaffect of the prose style, but I've highlighted the most obvious portions which may need to be re-written for clarity. I gave examples that may match the prose you're aiming for, but in the end it is up to you how you want to represent something. *Smile*

- Though the word 'great' is used consistantly and is inherantly important to the climax, some readers may find its repetition in that one paragraph to be distracting. Perhaps replacing some instances of the word 'great' in that paragraph will help ease some of the distractions?

Overall: Well I'd like to say, 'wow' you handled your subject matter wonderfully, and chose a subject that was very profound. This story has a good message and I believe you handled the execution as well as the message quite well. Good job. *Bigsmile*

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28
Review of Escape  Open in new Window.
Review by Arwee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
but inside of my I'm hysterical
- The word 'my' here should be the word 'me'. Or did you mean to say 'my mind'? Your choice. *Wink*

Anything that came out sounding awkward, I wish I had just glued my mouth together.
- This sentence is awkward and a bit confusing. I think the 'Anything that came out sounding awkward' would make more sense as a part of the sentence preceeding this one. Either that or replacing the word 'Anything' with the words' All of the things'.
- Also remove the word 'sounding' it isn't required in this context and slows down your statement.

even though it was so hot in my room.
- I hesitantly suggest removing the word 'so'. On one hand, it bulks up your sentence and isn't really required there for informational or enhancement purposes. On the other hand the word 'so' adds to your narrator's voice. I lean more towards removing it, but it depends on you.

Eventually, I end up wishing I could move and start all over.
- How does the narrator want to 'move'? Does she want to move as in move homes? Or does she just want to move her body? There's two ways of moving, and both of them could have impact on your story and how your protagonist feels. If she's moving homes I suggest elaborating this to, 'I could move away and start all over.' If she's moving her body I suggest, 'I could move my body and start all over.' This is to prevent any future reader confusion.

In the darkness I could barely make out the time: 1:40
- I bolded the colons up there, they're tricky things to use, especially in creative writing. It's usually best to avoid using colons when you're writing a story, so I suggest replacing that colon with a comma instead.

I grab a blanket and pull it close to my sweaty body, turning over on my stomach.
- If your protagonist is hot, why did she pull a blanket over her body? *Wink*

Sleep, sleep, I think. Calm, calm.
- It's generally easier for readers if the writer puts inner dialogue into single quotation marks, or represent the inner dialogue by italicizing it. It's your choice, but you will want to italicize the bolded sections above, or put single quotations around them. This is so the reader will know ahead of time when to switch voices, as well as who's talking and how.

What to do? I sigh
- Remember to indicate inner dialogue. I'll stop pointing these out, just keep it in mind for the rest of your piece.

I sleep instantly and dream about a fairy...
- Becareful with this statement and your protagonist falling asleep. Some writers advise against ending a scene with a character falling asleep because it's cliche.
- I suggest removing the portion about the fairy, if you leave that portion in there your readers will expect to see some mention of the dream, leaving it out will help avoid some of their curiosity but the really adamant readers will want to know about the dream regardless. *Wink*
- I suggested removing the two periods because there is a scene transition after this statement, so having a stalled stop like that isn't really required. Keeping those two periods causes a bit of redundancy again.

She stands over my in her purple dress
- The word 'my' should be the word 'me'. I also suggest elaborating the purple dress a little bit. Since you mentioned the color of the dress your readers will get a bit curious about what it looks like. If you called it her 'sunday dress' they won't be as curious.

She purses her lips and frowns even more.
- There are a lot of tell situations in this piece. A tell situation is when the writer tells the readers what their characters are doing, as opposed to showing the reader. Sometimes elaborating on what your characters are doing will allow the reader to connect to them better and imagine the scenery. In this instance you showed us by stating that her mother 'purses her lips', but the 'frown' is very vague. How did she frown? What did her face look like? Perhaps her 'forehead wrinkled as she looked down at me, her mouth set in a grim line.' or maybe 'her mouth curved downward in a frown as she looked down at me'.

“That’s one of the reasons I divorced him.” She leaves
- Dialogue is generally represented with a comma at the end instead of a period. Change the period I bolded into a comma, and subsequently change the uppercase 'S' to a lowercase one to match the comma.

I change quickly into a blue skirt and black top
- Does it really matter what your character is wearing? Will her clothing come into play later on in the story? It's generally advisable to avoid describing everyday clothing if it doesn't become a plot point later on. In this instance you could remove the mention of her blue skirt and black top, and just tell the reader that she changed.

In the mirror is an extremely ugly and tired girl, about 5 feet tall with messy red hair. Maybe I could change my hair, at least.
- Watch out for physical description informational dumps. Especially those that occur when a character looks into the mirror. Does it really matter if the reader knows what your character looks like? It's generally better and more immersive for your reader if you mention a trait here and there that's spread across the story, instead of all at once like this. For example your character could 'brush some stray strands of her messy red hair out of her eyes' while she's eating breakfast or coming down the stairs.
- Also, as an added note, avoid having your characters look into a mirror and describe what they look like. That sort of thing happens a lot and is a bit cliche.

Fifteen minutes later, we're in the car
- Start a new paragraph for this sentence.

(more likely watch TV)
- I suggest removing the brackets and re-writing this section to something like... 'I could've invented a cure for cancer or something, but more likely I would be watching TV.'

That's not what God intended either.
- Why not? The reader may find themselves wondering why the protagonist thinks this way and will expect an explanation. Did her father treat her better? Did he allow her more freedom? Did her and her father get along better than her and her mother? How did they get along better?

Mom still doesn't notice. This might be the perfect time to get a nap...
- Again, avoid ending a scene with your character falling asleep.

I open my eyes slowly
- The adverb 'slowly' can be removed here, it doesn't really add much information and adds extra bulk in your sentence that doesn't really need to be there.

It sounds awful.
- This was a really witty part, the blunt short sentences your narrator speaks in really adds to the humor of this statement. Good job. *Laugh*

The lesson goes on for an eternity, for me, and I bet for the teacher too.
- Note where I placed the comma. *Wink*
- Also we know the teacher's name is Mr. Aaron, so you can replace the words 'the teacher' with 'Mr. Aaron' and your sentence will end up flowing better.

What if he tells my mother how awful I am?
- Though I can understand how your protagonist feels, I find it sort of odd that she would find it was such a big deal, considering that she didn't practice or try to practice. *Wink*

I can her my mother
- You're only missing an 'a' in 'hear'. *Wink* Small typo, no biggy.

"Why is it I'm always so paranoid?
- I suggest replacing 'is it I'm' with 'am I' to increase clarity and flow.

Slowly, I fall asleep.
- Again, avoid ending a scene with a character falling asleep. You could even remove this statement and just end it with her musing about how hot it was in her room.

then remember I'm just asleep.
- I think I read this somewhere, but during our dreams we often rationalize that we're asleep and only dreaming, but our subconscious won't let us believe it. It's quite interesting, and it's just something to think about. *Wink*

I tell my fairy, (I know she's mine, she gave me all this) heading to a Chinese buffet near by.
- I suggest removing those brackets, and placing a comma at the end of the bolded statement.

She nods her head vigorously.
- I suggest you remove the word 'vigorously' you don't really need it and it bulks up your statement.

Epilogue
- Most short stories don't need epilogues, in this case you can replace this epilogue indication with a scene transition. *Smile*

Mrs. Jaclyn Henderson stared into her daughters closed eyes.
- The word 'daughters' is currently a plural, you'll want it as a possessive so it should be 'daughter's'.
- Also, how can Jacylyn stare into her daughter's eyes if they're closed? Perhaps she just stared 'at' them instead?

"She's in a coma, ma’m,"
- How did your protagonist fall into a coma? Did she have some sort of illness that wasn't mentioned? Did something traumatic happen to her? People usually don't fall into comas unless something triggered it like a head trauma.

"You'll find the cure?"
- So far the only and safest 'cure' for a coma is to wait until the victim wakes up of their own accord.

General Comments:

- I understand that Abby really didn't like her life and wanted to escape, a lot of the things she had to deal with were hard, but I didn't connect very much with her because most of her problems were things that could have been resolved.

- I also didn't connect very much with her situation, you touch a little bit on her school situation with her friends, but you mentioned that she did have friends. Wouldn't her friends miss her? What exactly is her relationship with her friends like?

- Overall I like the subject matter you chose, I like that Abby got to escape in the end, but the events leading up to her escape don't really immerse me. I can connect and feel bad for her situation, and her sentiments, but I suppose you needed to elaborate on exactly why Abby hates her situation so much. I especially wanted to find out more about her father, her friends, and school situation.

Overall, you did a good job. Specifically at the end, I was especially drawn by the last sentence. *Smile*

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Review by Arwee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I dreamed of darkness, of pain and confusion.
- I think the word 'dreamt' might allow better flow in this sentence.

I dreamed of loss, sorrow, and anguish.
- See above for my comment.

Overall: This is a really powerful piece, and you wrote it very well. I believe after all the building up during the story that you did that I felt the ending was a bit abrupt. This could also be your intention for this piece, but it seems like the character went through so much and felt so much, and it was all leading up to something; but then it ended so fast and abrupt that I was left not knowing what to think. Though the ending was powerful and it did connect and drive with the rest of this piece, I just didn't feel like it was a complete ending.
But this is a truly great piece and you did a marvelous job with it. *Smile*

Reviewathon Reviewer
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Review by Arwee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
slowly but surely though their numbers were falling.
I suggest removing the word 'though' it makes the sentence sound tentative. Removing it gives the sentence more authority.

They advanced again; weapons swinging wildly with most missing their mark.
A semi-colon is a bit above a comma. Although technically used correctly here, it causes a slightly longer stop than a comma. I suggest placing a comma here instead of a semi-colon to speed up the action.

Abian, already commit to the attack couldn’t help
Use of the name here causes repetition as you've already used it twice before in this same paragraph. I would suggest either replacing his name with 'He' or 'The knight' to remove the repetition.

He gripped the spear firmly with one hand for leverage; he then used his legs to propel his body upwards as he twisted his torso away from the spear.
I suggest replacing 'he gripped' with 'gripping' to reduce the repetition caused by using the word 'he' earlier and later on in the paragraph.
Next is the repetition caused by the use of the word spear twice. I suggest replacing the second instance of the word 'spear' with the word 'shaft' or another word that describes it.

He kept his wounded arm pressed closely against him
This sentence is part of a continuation of the sentence before it so replacing 'He kept' with 'keeping' would let it flow better.

Unfortunately he’s long since fallen from her graces.
Although the contraction 'he's' works in this situation it would add clarity for the reader to replace it with 'he has'. *Smile*

He cupped his hand and scooped water onto himself and his armor, running his hand over the contours of the iron plate mail armor.
The use of armor twice causes repetition I suggest removing the word 'armor' in the second instance all together. Readers will still know that he is running his hand over the armor from your mention of the iron plate mail.

Abain nodded, feeling almost too tired to talk.
Remove 'almost' to speed up the sentence and reduce the sudden passive voice in this section.

The pain was a welcomed relief though; it filled the void he felt in his soul.
Removed the word 'though' to increase sentence flow and to make the sentence move faster.

Candles kept the inner areas of the temple dimly lit, the largest concentration of candles was around the statue of the Lady Elluna
Use of the word 'candles' twice causes repetition. I suggest replacing the second instance with 'the little lights' or something else that describes the candles.

The smells of incense and sweet oils wafted into his nostrils.
I fixed up a bit of tense confusion in this sentence to let it flow better.

“And you can’t heal yourself?!”
It generally looks better to only use one punctuation mark at a time. In this case I suggest you keep the question mark and nix the exclamation mark.

People don’t seem to care, nothing seems to change or get better, if I died, would anyone know or care?”
The two instances of the word 'care' causes repetition. I suggest you replace, or remove the second 'care'.

Suddenly embarrassed by his outburst his features softened

Suddenly there was a scream nearby, it sounded like a child. Abian rushed in the direction the scream had come from
Repetition again. I suggest replacing the second instance of the word 'scream' with the word 'sound' to reduce the repetition in these two sentences.

Abian opened the door and Dani peered in past him. Her eyes opened wide seeing blood stained on the floor.
I hope the blood from his wound didn't seep through the material of whatever he was wearing. Whether his wound healed afterwards or not it may have still left a mark if it was allowed to bleed.

Technical Aspects:
- There are a lot of instances of repetition in this story. I think you need to over it again and read it out loud to weed out some of those repetitions. I've highlighted most of what I saw but the writer's editing is best for fixing up things. *Wink*
- The use of the word though in your work sometimes slows down sentences and reduces their impact. Removing some of the instances of the word 'though' speeds up the sentences and gives them more dynamicism.

Characters: I don't know too much about the other characters except for Abian. I really like him, he has the noble attitude of a paladin, silent with his suffering and kind. For a short story his character is good. But if you were to write this into a long piece like a novel, it would be a good idea to think about his faults as well. But as I said, for a short his character is quite good.

Plot:
- You dropped us off in the middle of a battle scene between monsters and him, there are a couple of questions I have about that. The first is why Abian was all alone fighting them? Though I gathered that he was a good fighter, I find it incredibly lucky for him to have made it out with only a wounded arm.
- This leads me to my second question, who sent these Gnolls and why were they attacking? Why were they a threat? There was a small hint of discussion between Hamilax and Abian about it but the reader never found out why these Gnolls were attacking in the first place.

Overall/Final Comments: Good use of metaphors. I really liked the metaphors you used and your dialogue and technical skills are quite good aside from the repetition that I've outlined above in my Technical Aspects section. There are a couple of questions pertaining to the plot that might need answer, it's really to refine the story, otherwise it's quite good.

Happy Writing!

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31
Review of Fade To Black  Open in new Window.
Review by Arwee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I awoke to the glare of the sun in my face through the thin
I would suggest replacing the word 'in' with the word 'on' so that the sentences flows better and to prevent reader confusion.

thin, lace curtains
The comma isn't really needed there. *Wink*

She doesn’t have the slightest clue of who I am.
Although this sentence may re-enforce your protagonist's feelings, it is also repetitious. I think the story would work just as well with out it present.

furniture were suspended in space, floating together in some attempt to belong yet being completely alone.
Wouldn't the paint from the ceiling have dripped onto the furniture? making some of the articles in the room black as well?

There was only one thing left to do. I dipped the brush in the paint and started at my feet.
That's gotta be one big bucket of paint if she can paint all her furniture, all six dimensions of her room and start on herself.

I like your subject matter and how you approached this. I quite like how your character decided to rebel and I really liked the ending. The entire pace of this piece is perfect and Jessica sounds like quite a realistic character. I know at one point I could relate to her, and I like the ending because I was glad that she finally got what she wanted all this time.
Good job in creating an interesting piece with a believable teenage character.

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Review of Daughter of Water  Open in new Window.
Review by Arwee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
She could make out blossoming apple trees and what she believed were hazelnut trees
The two mentioned 'trees' causes repetition in this sentence. I'm not sure what word you can use instead of tree but, I think re-writing it would be in order to remove the repetition.

along with lots of other familiar types, and some she couldn‘t name
I would replace the word 'lots' with the word 'many' to strengthen this statement.

Bane's chiming giggle made Meredith feel silly

Bane's joy seemed to saturate everything it touched

growing down from their accustomed shoulder blade length
You mentioned before that Meredith used her hair to wrap around herself for her modesty, how could she wrap only shoulder blade length locks around her body?

She pulled down the top of her loose red dress

at the bliss in the baby’s eyes as her

The loss of her sister, her sweet sister

Meredith’s confidence to be with her now
You mean Brigette. *Wink*

You've written a very beautiful story, I love the imagery, the imagination and the description and adventure your protagonist went through. Youd id a great job weaving out a story and the theme was well delivered with precision and impact.
The only faults I see is the bit about the hair, it may just be me getting confused, so it might just need to be re-written for clarity. Other than that, there are some minor typos and a little confusion, but overall you've got a wonderfully imaginative piece.

Good Job and Happy Writing!

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Review by Arwee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
As my luck would have it, the second I noticed my sister was gone
Placed a comma in there to seperate the two clauses.

I must've still been a little weary from sleeping I was only covering about 18 or 20 miles per hour.
Although this section is informational, it sounds a bit like your protagonist is boasting about his vampiric powers. I would suggest either making this more subtle or removing it entirely, unless his running speed comes into play with the plot later on.

They designed the basement so that water flowed into a special reservoir. Ensuring that there is a constant supply of water.
Was there some sort of treatment in this reservoir as well? Otherwise the water going into it probably isn't fit for consumption and may be questionable for washing purposes.

There was the body of an imp laying a few yards out. It must've been the king rats' doing
Turned the plural rats into a more suitable possessive of rats'.

They've been gone so long I couldn't even remember what

brown skinned like us and were very commanding looking.
'very commanding looking' is rather awkward, it's also a rather tentative and weak statement. To stengthen it I suggest re-writing it to something like, 'they both looked very commanding' or, 'they had a commanding air about them'.

had about 70 greenbacks and 50 worth of trading materials
Unless the combination of numbers are important for visualization purposes or important to the plot you should try to spell out your numbers. so in this case it should be more like 'seventy greenbacks and fifty worth of trading materials'.

People will think your're a werewolf.
You're doesn't have two r's in it.

Plus, you don't have some scraggily beard to take away from your handsome face
I think you might have missed the word 'have' before 'some'. *Wink*

NO, He hasn't graced us with his presence.
Oh my! Not so loud Kimon. *Wink*

Sometimes when he's in a generous mood

by next time your're in town

give us enough money to buy a piece of
Now I'm curious if these children have to pay for their other utilities besides water? Sounds like they're pretty much living on their own, unless they light candles and have no electronics or use any natural gas that is.
Another query is although you mentioned the house was secluded, you also mentioned that it was close to town. No matter how secluded, unless the magic made it invisible to normal people. Someone should have found it by now. When they do find it, it's only a matter of time before the government finds it and wants it to pay taxes, so where do these kids get the money to pay for their utilities and taxes? I think you might need to explain how they get by, or tell the readers how they earn money to live in what sounds like a pretty fabulous home.

everyone in the world is a

"Well, well if it isn't my favorite nephew?"

"HA HA HA, everything is going great, your aunt and I were gonna check on our store in Whitewind City, when we decided to stop in and say hi to the townsfolk before we left,"
You might want to take out those HA HA HAs and replace them with a mention that the uncle laughed boisterously or loudly. It's usually better to tell the reader that the character laughed rather than show it in the form of dialogue.

Well you see security behind the wall is so strict they

"Well you see security Behind the wall is so strict they hardly let anyone in, hell even I have difficulties getting in sometimes, but I assure you as soon as I..."

heading my way so I turned to Kia and said

themI readied my ax
You'll need a space between them and I.

before I could get my ax out of the jerk's body
Turned the plural 'jerks' into the possessive 'jerk's'

aboved his head ready to cleave me in half.

while the last two got off their bikes and ran towards me

approaching demon a backhand chop

and threw the second one into a reverse headlock.

look up to see a demon on foot

the demon's neck and attempted to

Plot:
- Just my confusion about the house they live in and how they manage to pay taxes/utilities or if they don't use any other utility besides water and how they manage to stay hidden.
- I also don't quite see why Kia was walking around in the woods the first place. She was up in the tree when Kimon found her, but he never asked her why she was walking around in the woods alone.
- Another thing is why Kimon could protect his house with the magic but didn't think to protect the town as well, that certainly would have prevented those biker demons from attacking everyone. Unless he didn't care about the town, but then again Miss Hawkins lives there and Kimon at least cares about her.

Characters: I really don't know what to think about another other character in your story besides Kimon. You did a lot of telling in terms of the uncle's personality, but for some reason it doesn't seem out of place in this story so that's fine. Kimon seems to be quite level headed and he knows he's powerful.
He handled nine demons on bikes so easily, which makes me wonder why they demons got off their bikes to handle him instead of stayed on the bikes and charge him, they certainly had the mounted advantage. I look forward to seeing Kia and Zenobia develop as characters, as of right now I don't know much about either of them, which is fine since this is only the first installment.

Technical Aspects:
- I think the main thing I noticed you need to do is do some paragraph editing. As of right now your story is one giant block of text, it makes it a bit confusing and frustrating for your reader to read such a condensed piece and it would help immensely if you seperated it. Start by identifying where one paragraph ends and another begins. Then seperate your dialogue depending on who is saying what.
- Next thing I noticed is that you seem to capitalize words in the middle of sentences or after the first word in a sentence. Just keep in mind to only capitalize at the beginning of a sentence, the singular pronoun 'I', after a question or exclamation mark, specific people or things, when you use a title to refer to a specific person, and there are a few more instances that require capitalization as well, but I don't believe you need to know them for this piece.
- I also notice that you don't indicate your possessives. Where it should be something like, 'Angel's right hand glowed.' I've noticed you usually have it as 'Angels right hand glowed'. The key is the little ' you need to put in place for possessives. Remember if it ends with a letter other than s you should put 's at the end to make it possessive. If it ends with s you can just put ' at the end. This is only for possessives and not plurals.

Overall/Final Comments: You have a few plot holes to patch up, that I've outlined up there, for now your characters are fine. Your technical skills need work however, I've outlined the most important issues up there and hope that you edit your story and fix up some of those technical issues.
Let me know when you've finished editing and I'd be delighted to come re-rate and re-review if you want me to.

Happy Writing!

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Review of Himanee  Open in new Window.
Review by Arwee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The break-ups were teeming with fresh pain in her heart.
Removed the plural for break-up since it suggests that there was more than one at a time.

Wasn't it her who said, "Please don't. I cannot go on torn apart"?

So I decided to give something else up so I could have you.

created me besides you so that you and I could always find each other

He refused to leave until Himanee decided to leave that soul.
This sentence is rather awkward, I know you left it vague on purpose and I think I know what you were going for when you wrote this but it's still a rather awkward sentence. I would suggest re-writing it to allow for more clarity.

Characters: I feel quite bad for Himanee and what she's had to go through with his person she loved. You did a good job describing her emotions and her feelings. I almost wish this piece was longer so that we can get even more insight to what emotions she is feeling. The other thing is I find Himanee to be a rather interesting name, is it an ethnic name? Does it have any significance to the plot?

Technical Aspects: Overall your technicall skills are very good, there is only one awkward sentence at the end, and some very minor typos and considerations.

Overall/Final Thoughts: I like how you described your protagonists' feelings about the entire situation. I think you captured her feelings very well. I only have to suggest fixing the technical typos and the awkward sentence in your work.

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Review of The Photographer  Open in new Window.
Review by Arwee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I think I am loosing it.
'Losing' only has one 'o'.

“Loosing! what?” The 68 year old man sitting upright on the chair in front of me calmly enquired.
The exclamation mark after 'losing' doesn't sound very calm. It makes him sound surprised or possibly angry. I would either remove the exclamation mark or the word calmly. Considering this man your protagonist is speaking to his a Psychiatrist I suggest just removing the exclamation mark.

physiatrist, or as I referred him my ‘shrink’.
I think you might be talking about a Psychiatrist not a Physiatrist. A Phsyiatrist is a phystical therapy specialist, while a Psychiatrist is one who deals with mental and emotional disorders.

“I have felt it. It's leaving me.

I was his nephew and his most favorite one at that too.
Removed 'most' and 'too' to eliminate redundancy.

in a mist of deja vu added
In a 'mist' or in a 'midst'? Judging by this section, I think you might have meant it to be 'midst'.

putting yourself at the mercy of another sounded exciting.

“Its been five years since I have known you.”
Replaced the numerical '5' with it's spelling of 'five'. When writing a story it is usually best to replace most of your numbers with it's numerical spelling, unless the numbers or numbers were illustrative of a code or a series of numbers inherent to the plot.

I was sounding like only I could.
This is an awkward sentence, it seems like something should be coming behind it but there's nothing there. I would suggest if there is something behind it to put it there *Wink*, if there isn't, remove it entirely or re-write it.

As I walked by there was a Chinese couple trying to take a photo.
How do you know they were Chinese specifically? Were they speaking Chinese? If they were speaking Chinese, how did the protagonist know it was 'Chinese' and not another language? I know a lot of people who can't tell the difference between a person of Chinese nationality and Korean nationality etc, a lot of people just assume I'm Chinese when I'm actually Korean and it gets frustrating *Wink*. I would replace the word 'Chinese' with 'Asian' or if you want to be more specific, 'South East Asian' but 'Asian' should be fine.

“Caan youu pleeze help uz by takingh a picture of uz?”
First of all this should be a question. Secondly, I don't know if I'm taking this personally or not, I'm supposed to be an objective reviewer, and I know our accents sound weird and funny at times, but I don't think contorting the sentence is really necessary. I would suggest re-writing this sentence to make it proper english, then say something about how she had a thick accent instead.

She was looking at me, staring could be the right word.
In the midst of his explanation and philosophy about photography, I think he forgot about the asian woman who asked him to take a picture for her. Did he say no? Did he ignore her? Did she leave while he was giving his explanation? She just sort of disappeared.

Emma, Dr. Field’s granddaughter.

How do I describe Emma to you?

breadth to prepare herself to tell me she thought I was insane.

Like the universe is a puzzle just waiting for you to solve it?”

I had my eyes closed as a tear trickled down

The doctors called it a miracle and said she would live at least a few more years without any problems.

I can get nauseous in seconds

“Is he Mr. Bishoff?”

harder you try to breathe the more tougher it is to do?

Sophie just laid there, unknowing what laid ahead for her.
Also I would replace one of the 'laid' words with a different word that means the same thing to remove repetition.

“Will you honor me and be my wife?”

Plot: I think the only things in terms of the plot you need to adjust is to do something about that asian couple scene, either remove it or re-write it. Another thing is the ending seemed to be too short. Throughout the entire story, we got a lot of insight on how the protagonist was thinking and felt. I half expected him to be more emotional about the situation nearing the end. He seemed to be quite quiet nearing the end and didn't have much to think. I like the ending though, it was a nice ending, very sweet and it leaves the reader to develop their own theory too.

Characters: I like how your protagonist loves the people around him so much and want to help them. But I can't help but feel detached towards the psychiatrist uncle since he disappears for the majority of the story, and seems to be around as a background character more than anything. Strangely enough I felt for the Grandmother and was glad when the good news reached her, but didn't feel as much emotion for little Emma. It could just be me, but I think it's because you described the Grandmother more and told us what happened during the moment, I think it was because she was conscious that I found myself more attached to her emotionally as opposed to Emma.

Technical Aspects: You seem to skip putting in question marks. Just keep in mind that all questions whether they are thoughts or are rhetorical are questions, and need to have a question mark at the end. There are also situations in which you over emphasize for example I was his nephew and his most favorite one at that too. in which 'most' and 'too' are placed in there for emphasis when you don't really need either. Other than that, just a few typos and one awkward sentence you may want to take a look at. *Smile* Otherwise your technical skills are okay.

Overall/Final Comments: I like your character's special ability, I think it's very interesting how he's able to do that and use it to help people. I also like the last part of the story and how you sort of left it open for the reader to fill in the blank. Overall a good story, if you re-write and want me to come back and re-rate this piece, let me know.

Happy Writing!

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Review by Arwee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Marty halts his progress, pallet mid air, silencing the engine and sliding the earphones around his neck, listening intently, barely catching the tail end of the announcement.
- This is a really long sentence. You need to cut it up with a period somewhere. I suggest where I bolded and have it replaced with a period followed by 'He listened'.

This time he is ready, turning off the motor, to hear better.
- Remove the comma I bolded, it's unnecessary and slows the the sentence.

"This can’t be good, something has to be dreadfully wrong." Surely a phone call at 3 a.m. means bad news of some sort.
- Though it might not matter either way, I think you should tell readers whether Marty is thinking or speaking out loud here, just for clarification. *Wink*

The first his, Pops heart attack.
- Pops should be Pop's or Pops' (depending on what the nickname is) to indicate a possessive pronoun.

Marty peels it from his body, thrusting himself from the confines of the safety cage
- Replace the comma I bolded with a period to cut up a long sentence.

ripping a large hole through the knee of his jeans, and scraping a painful gash in his flesh.

his co-workers, who were close enough to see his fall.
- Just for more indication and clarification. *Smile*

As he reaches the entrance Marty pauses for a moment
- From the sounds of his fall, I half expected Marty to walk to the entrance with a little limp from it. Just to add a more immediate after effect of his fall. The portion that comes later with him examining is knee is good and shows the result of his fall, but a limp would generate a little more embarassment and sympathy. This is just a suggestion, the scene works wonders with or without it. *Wink*

the baby is moving allot a lot

“Geeze Annette you nearly gave me a heart attack!”
“Why would you call me at work, this time of the morning to tell me that the baby feels ok?”
- Although having this dialogue seperate works, it might be less confusing for other readers if you squished them together.

I thought something was terribly wrong.”

Marty’s jaw dropps, a stunned expression consuming his face.

it's darkness growing

“No Marty, I have never been more deadly serious.”

Annette has to make him understand.
- A bit of an odd point of view switch here. I think you might need to change so it's something like, 'Annette's voice sounded desperate to make him understand.' So that the reader doesn't think that the point of view has switched to Annette.

After hanging up he stands still for a moment

then jumps into the driver seat fumbling with his keys hastily.

Marty waives his hands

He pictures Annette standing at the door slapping a rolling pin in her hand, annoyed, waiting to pounce.
- *Bigsmile* Insert mirth here.

Blood soaked fur lines her face and shoulder length brown hair.

in a tone of that sounds as if were made by an infant.
- This sentence is a bit confusing, I know what you mean, but I think you need to re-write it so that it flows better.

about the horrible things that are going to happen.” she sobbs.

“No, I don’t.”

Plot: When Annette calls Marty at work I kind of wondered what happened to her at home to cause her to phone him there. She doesn't make any mention if the fetus inside her did anything before she called. Perhaps the incident with the knitting needle could be the incident that happened that made her phone? If that incident was what she was calling about perhaps having her mention it specifically would help.
Technical Aspects: Just your minor typo here and there, pretty much refer to what I said about your prologue. *Smile*
Characters: I'm finding Marty a rather endearing character in your story. He's just a regular guy with a job to do, and all this happens to him. Great job developing Marty he reacts realistically. Annette seems to be a bit more difficult to relate to since we haven't really seen what she's really like, she seems like a sweet enough woman then there's the remark Marty made about her with a rolling pin, I laughed out loud.

Overall: Good job with the stories and the characters, just minor typos and one very minor plot thing. I'm enjoying your work quite a bit, keep up the good work! *Smile*
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37
Review by Arwee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
earth's orbit

During the first few days of Annette's nausea

Her tone didn't sound right to him, "We were wrong, it's not a stomach flu, I'm pregnant."
- Ah, I see now! At first I thought Annette was already pregnant because you mentioned her nausea after telling us about the comet, so I thought she was feeling nauseaous from the affects of the comet. I think you might need to tell us that there's a scene change between the explanation about the catastrophie and the portion where Marty finds out that Annette is pregnant to clear it up a little bit.

Years of trying, and teams of specialists had already confirmed.

"Remember my low sperm count, and your hostile immue system?"
- Marty stands in front of a pet shop and proclaims his low sperm count with a kitten under his arm. *Bigsmile* I guess I just find it rather humorous. I hope no one was around at the time to hear him. *Wink*

Plot: I really liked your use of the comet and the tragedy that it caused as the start of the story. It really hooked me and kept me interesting and reading on. I hope you continue to further expand on this phenomenon.
Technical Aspects: Your word usage and technical skills are very good aside from a few typos that just need a little tweaking.
Characters: I didn't get much of a feel for either of the characters in this piece, but the story is only just beginning and as you write more I'm sure we'll find out more about them. So their characterization is understandably murky at this point and I'd like to really see your later chapters in which we find out more. For now what we do know of these two is quite sufficient.

Overall: Very interesting and captivating, the only major thing I suggest is just adding an indication of scene change or some other form of indication that tells the reader that a month had passed between the time the comet came and the time Annette and Marty find out about the pregnancy.

I hope you keep writing! I'm very interested to see where this story will go from here. :)
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