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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/arpeggiare
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7 Public Reviews Given
23 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Invisible  Open in new Window.
Review by Annika Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Michelle!

Your rhymes really help this poem to move smoothly, and you've done a good job of getting the feelings across.

You might change "he never seen" to "he had never seen" in the second line... it's more formal, and fits better with the rest of your poem.

Also if you reworked it to have the same number of syllables in every line, you would probably find that it sounds even more like a traditional rhyming poem. But that's up to you.

Keep writing!

Arp
Proud Member of "The Angel Army" Open in new Window.
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Review by Annika Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Memory,

You've done a good job of capturing Lynn's feelings and setting it up believably.

A few notes-

The name Lynn feels like an older name than Jason... it makes it feel like he is younger than her, at least to me.

And the pace feels too slow until she confronts him, but maybe that's a parallel to the relationship-- slow until she acts.

Overall, a good story.

-Arp
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