Hello Alextrax52! I read your story and found it very intriguing. Carol's wish to eat continuously was something very new and opposite of the recent diet craze that has captured the U.S.
The story is solid and the pacing was fine. I didn't find any slow parts because you kept the story moving forward. There were no lengthy flashbacks, which is good.
I noticed, especially in the first paragraph, that most of your sentences started with the pronoun 'She'. I have to assume this is your first draft, so that's normal. During your revisions, see if you can eliminate a few of them by rewriting the sentences. It won't take anything away from the story. I also noticed a lack of commas. If this is your first draft, the first thing to do is get the story on paper, so to speak. Grammar and punctuations happen during revisions.
There were two sentences that I feel you show eliminate because you give hints on what happens next. They are:
"Carole Williams’s dreams were about to become true"
"She was about to find the reason though.."
As a reader, if those two sentences didn't exist, the surprises in the following paragraphs would have been more shocking. Those sentences made me realize something was going to happen before it happened.
Although I'm a supernatural horror writer, I find that you have a knack of joining both supernatural and sci-fi together in a manner I just can't, so kudos to you. You took me on a journey I never would dream of. These are just my opinions which you can use or discard at your discretion.
Nice story. Saw a few typos, but I liked it a lot. What really caught me was the way you included so many of your personal thoughts. They were more like opinions of what you thought about certain situations, and added an extra side to your character. Very, very good!
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