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Review by Arley Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey Dalton,

I assume the numbers denote POV. Intriguing read but I'd suggest not using numbers. Just put **** or something similar between points of view.

Good description of the two victims in the bombed out office.

He says into his phone: "We're in control of (THE) situation, sir. (Think you meant to put THE before SITUATION)

What can he do to me that is worse than what my past hides and worse than my, my conscious concerning the information that I possess on what I am doing. (Need to lose the first MY, before MY CONSCIOUS and CONSCIOUS needs to be CONSCIENCE)

sensitive olfactory glands of a dog. undetectable. (Need to start UNDETECTABLE with a cap)

I fight with it and fight with it, over and over, in my head, but in the end I go ahead with the mission. (Need to lose the comma after OVER AND OVER)

I aid in the plantation of the explosives under the two chambers where the House and Senate are holding their sessions. (Need to swap PLANTATION for some other word. Unless it's some form of coded slang for the agents Plantation doesn't mean what you're wanting to convey here.)

My mind wanders into ambiguity and I can't help but second-guess myself again and again, then I ask this to Rane: (I'd drop THIS TO so it reads I ASK RANE:)

As I walk out the doors of the Capitol I can see him getting (in)to a white van and leaving. (Typo: TO needs to be INTO)

We'll be hidden away they told me. (Need a comma after AWAY)

This will probably lead to her death, if she is not already dead. (I'd swap IS NOT for ISN'T)

Happy Writing!

Arley
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