As a human, I find it hard to give a review on a piece about such an intimate topic. As a fellow writer, I feel we owe it to each other without even meeting to provide an honest review. There were parts of this letter I thoroughly enjoyed. The idea of reflecting on your upbringing in a private school that still impacts you today was stirring for me. I know this is because I could relate to your situation. I feel you ripped off other parts of your letter by creating sentimental idealizations of actions and events. For example your thoughts on society and kindness felt like a facade to me. What's truly wonderful is that while I can feel that way, you can feel the total opposite. I found your remarks to yourself in italics to be quirky, but lacked wit. I believe the most pressing issue in your work to be that I was not drawn into your piece. Very typical themes were done and then overdone when reflecting back on our lives. While I can't argue with the themes, they after all are used and reused for a reason, I felt a writer of your caliber would express them in a more creative way. Just as a mom (since you are a proud mom!) slips in vegetables behind a lasasgne to make it more nutrious, I feel a writer should never just give away a theme in a stereotypical and dated fashion. For example, how people will think of you when you are know longer here.
This was such an intimate letter, I truly enjoyed your vulnerability. Thank you so much for the read, it definitely made my wheels turn.
I enjoyed your piece. I'm not a huge sci-fi fan, so I liked dipping my toes into something new. Your first sentences are fairly robotic and awkward with lack of contractions, which isn't what I expected from an informal letter. Perhaps that is the norm for an alien writing her alien cousin. : ) However within the span of a few sentences, Pam starts to use contractions and give a more informal feel to her letter. I'm not sure if this intentional, but to me the letter loses its feel of authenticity through this transition. I also wasn't engaged by Pam's story telling. I understand keeping the character believable by utilizing age appropriate mechanics and vocabulary, but I want to feel drawn in and relate to Pam's story. I would have loved to hear similarities between alien life and human life. I felt this element of being able to connect to your character was missing. I felt most of letter's format was anticipated and typical. Although the content matter certainly made me scratch my head and think. I would like to see the piece elevated to the next level. The framework is set, now I want to read the bells and whistles. I want to see the story come alive with striking imagery and analogies to alien life. Wonderful job of introducing someone such as myself to sci-fi, and describing certain scenarios. I especially enjoyed the foot remarks. If you find yourself editing this piece, with or without my suggestions, I'd love to check it out again.
I enjoyed the premise of your story. By enjoy I mean your story could be compelling and moving with the right technique and personal voice. I know you mentioned right away that you do not use capital letters and grammar. Unfortunately that could really deter your audience from taking your piece seriously. Not using proper grammar or spelling rules is like having a dinner party, inviting all of your friends, buying top cuts of filet mignon, seasoning the meat with quality spices, then serving your guests the steaks, but raw. No one can appreciate your work because no one wants to bite into a raw steak. The same works for your writing. I see a beautiful story to be heard, but not everyone will get that far. I hope you will consider working on your grammar and mechanics.
Another thing to work on is your personal voice. Personal Voice is your very own personality in your very own writing. Sometimes I could feel a little bit of sarcastic humor, other times I was lost at who you were trying to portray in this piece. There is no wrong answer to Personal Voice, and that is what I love about it. You could write this piece from a very sarcastic place, or you could be very internal and retrospective. I see great potential here. Something that may help you decide what role you take on as narrator is answering the question: for whom are you writing for?
Best of luck as you edit and contemplate changes about your piece.
I love love stories. Thank you for posting your very own. I think there are serious issues with the flow and meter of your work. If you give this to someone and let them cold read it, meaning the person reading it has never read it before, you can take notes of where they stumble and sound awkward. Varying sentence structure would be a great asset to your writing. Subject Predicate. Subject Predicate. That sentence structure repeated can possibly push some of your audience away. One last thing to consider is the concept, show not tell. I want to see, feel, and be in the Spanish class as you approach your crush for the first time. I want to cry alongside you as I feel your depression come off the pages. We read to relate, and love stories are great places to relate. I think you have a wonderful start. I hope you find this helpful in your writing. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Arlene
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