You start with a fantastically visceral opening paragraph! Each sentence draws you in, and makes the reader want to know more. You've developed great character that make me curious to learn more about them, and have a great eye for action. I noticed a couple of typos(there's somewhere that you typed "grounf" and this should be "ground"), but was still an exciting chapter that peaked my interest and I will definitely be back for more.
The summary of this piece is the first thing that caught my attention, and by the time I was on the second sentence, I couldn't stop reading! You have a gift for pacing, and also the ability to draw your readers in and keep their interest. I also loved how you played with time, jumping back and forth between the last chess game and the investigation and events of the present. Each flashback was perfectly executed and blended seamlessly with the rest of the story.
Fabulous! I'm intrigued by the world that you have created and the people that occupy it--it's like "Frankenstein" with androids! I feel for him and am so curious about her. The relationship between this two is so well developed and you dialogue is authentic and moving. I really want to know what happens next!
This is a vivid and fabulous picture of what goes on in an artist's mind and also how an artist would react to his or her audience's response to his or her work. Well done!
This was a thrill ride of imagery and intrigue! The stream of consciousness at the beginning kept me on the edge of my seat and I was truly worried as a reader whether or not the speaker would survive.
Wow! You have created a worthy contemporary of Sam Spade et al. I love me a good noir thriller and this one kept me on the edge of my seat! Your grasp of the language of the 1930s is fabo and each of the characters is so beautifully developed and the plot was an intriguing, fast paced masterpiece! The whole story played like a movie in my mind and I'm eager to go on more Lou adventures!
What a whirlwind of a first chapter! You have set up an intriguing world and created a heroine the reader wants to root for! I don't know if we'll see Sullivan again, but I hate him after such a brief encounter, who speaks volumes for your character development. Veronica already seems well rounded and interesting and I'm curious who the stranger is who rescued her and excited to continue on this journey with the two of them.
What an intrguing setup! I'm immediately curious to know who Kyvan is, who the girl is, what being a reaper is like in this world. I could feel his uncertainty in the words he writes, and am interested in finding out more.
You have a very interesting setup and intriguing characters. I love your ability to set up multiple storylines that keep the reader interested and wanting to know what the world they have entered is like. There were a couple of paragraphs that read a little bit clunky to me, but not to the point where it was too distracting. Reading the material out loud might help make the sentence structure a little smoother. I'm excited to see where this goes!
This was such a sweet and lovely little story. I felt for Katy in the beginning(being a gardener and homeowner myself) and I loved that you were able to add some inspirational references to the story without being overtly religious and preachy. The parallels that you drew between the robin and the rose were amazing and the piece as a whole made me smile.
I'm a sucker for both aubades(I was the geek who used to devour them in high school and college English classes) and fantastic poetry(I'm ridiculously envious of people who have the gift of writing both). You convey the imagery so beautifully that I could see the scene you described so clearly in my head. Thank you for creating a true piece of art!
What a sweet and wonderful story! It reminded me a little bit of "Wall-E" (but with a kid instead of adults, and the world hasn't died). While I did notice a few spots where you could do a little more "Show Don't Tell", I still thoroughly enjoyed myself and smiled like an idiot reading through it. Well done!
Hi Kodah! I found this piece featured in the "Read a Newbie" section and I'm so glad that I did! This is an intriguing piece of fiction. I think you could add a few more instances of "showing" what happened, rather than "telling" what happened, but I'm glad the baddies got their due!
I would absolute read the rest of this! You have created a character and a world that is so intriguing and this plot is one that keeps the reader on the edge of their seats even in this little snippet. I really want to know what happens next! Also, your gift for sensory detail is phenomenal!
I noticed quite a few typos in the beginning of this piece, and there were a couple of instances--particularly in the battle scenes--where I wanted a little more "show" and a little less "tell", so a good proofread never hurts. However, the story still takes off a a pretty good gallop and then floors it and I'm breathless. The transitions between scenes were smooth and the stakes were understandably high and never felt forced. While it could do with a little more polish, I still got lost in this visual fantasy feast and could not stop reading until the end.
Wow! You have created a fantastic world and a magic system that I love! The characters are a little rough around the edges and might need a little more development, but that could also be because I'm at the beginning of this story. The dialogue feels realistic and authentic and the plot is intriguing. Thank you for this journey! I hope I can come back and resume it soon!
The first sentence grabs you by the throat and doesn't let you go. I could stop reading--the pacing moves along at fantastic clip that feels realistic without feeling forced. You have a fantastic gift for imagery and sensory detail. My heart broke with Lacey's at the end. Fabulous!
I'm a sucker for historical fiction and this was a fantastic little taste. George II and Caroline of Ansbach are fascinating people in British History and I'm so glad that I found this interpretation of their lives together. I did notice a few places that could have done with more "showing" and less "telling", but overall this was a compelling piece and I have added the next part to my Reading List
What a way to start both a chapter and a story! I was immediately intrigues by the relationship between Ace and Luna and loved trying to figure out what was going on. I kind of wanted to see a little more of the battle action, and some of the transitions felt a little rough, but these are people that I am eager to go on a journey with and will definitely be reading more!
What a fabulous bittersweet short story! You have created two characters that are so authentic--I could feel the pain of the father and son in every word they spoke. The dialogue has a fantastic flow to it and kept me interested until the end.
This is beautiful! You have created someone that any reader can identify with because he says things that we have all felt but not necessarily said out loud. The authenticity and vulnerability sings in every word, and the pacing is smooth and makes me want to keep reading until the very end. Well done!
This was so beautiful! The summary sucked me in and I'm so glad that it did. How can one piece of writing be so sweet and heart wrenching at the same time? Because this one is and I love it so much!
What a fun ride! The quotes you incorporated into the story felt natural and believable--some of them should go on a shirt and I would wear that shirt all the time :) Ray and Laura's relationship told through the zippy dialogue is so realistic. The announcement of the pregnancy and then the raising of the stakes by the explosion of the chili was awesome!
Reading a gorgeous piece like this makes me wish I was someone who could write poetry. But since I'm not, I get to read the work of others who can :) I could feel emotion in every single word of this piece--it was so beautiful I wish I could frame it and put it up on my wall for other people to see because WOW!!!!!!!
Wow! First of all, what a fantastic summary! That's was attracted me to this piece in the first place, and I'm so glad! You have a gift for imagery, and I could see and hear everything that was happening so clearly. The pacing of the plot was also well done. I wanted to keep reading to find out what would happen next. Looking forward to reading more of your work! Happy writing :)
~Ara
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