Your short, simple lines give this poem a strong rhythm and a cadence of determination--perfect for your subject matter. I only have a couple of suggestions as to how you could improve on this moving poem.
First--in the opening stanza, the enjambment is a little awkward. The strength of lines like "One year along,/London is strong" is offset by the arrhythmic "...let terror cloud/judgment. We will gain;/life will remain/good..." I would strongly suggest reworking those lines so as to avoid using that sort of enjambment--which never happens again throughout the poem.
Furthermore, you don't need a comma in the sentence "We will pray/for all those that day."
Also, in the final stanza, "That grew to spark/light in the dark" is not a complete sentence, but rather a fragment--connect it to the sentence before, so that it reads, "Let's remember/July as an ember/that grew to spark/light in the dark."
It can be quite a comfort to imagine the things we'd say to lost loved ones if given one more chance. A prompt like this one is great for helping us to stretch our minds, to think about what such a conversation would entail.
Be sure to capitalize Depression, as the term is a proper noun referring to a distinct time in our nation's history.
Also, I would suggest that you stretch yourself even more in revising this, and move past the literal. Rather than recapping the details of your life in your great-grandmother's voice, consider letting her share how she feels about those details. Since you already know why she wasn't able to attend your wedding, she probably wouldn't tell you that in a posthumous conversation. What might she share with you instead?
Beautiful writing; your description is lovely and, yes, it does tantalize all, rather than a single one of, the senses.
I've never been a big fan of chocolate, personally, but I can understand why people become so fanatical about it--the richness of flavors and the sheer variety available make it the obvious choice for a "harmless" addiction.
Though you've provided contextual cues for her responses to the raspberry- and honey-filled chocolates, you never explain exactly why the vanilla and peppermint candies are so repugnant to her. (Nor do you answer the question of who sent the chocolates, but I'm guessing that's by design. ) It might be nice to provide the answers at least to the vanilla and peppermint questions, just for symmetry.
A lovely read--as stimulating as a quick visit to a candy store.
Angels take on many forms. Sometimes, sad as it seems, we find our strongest inspiration in the sadness around us.
It's unclear whether this is a true story, but you've told it with such an authentic voice that its impact is the same, either way. Lovely attention to detail; in just a few short paragraphs you've painted both characters and their respective lives in a remarkably vivid way.
Be sure to separate paragraphs six and seven, and the fourth and fifth from the end, with spaces between each.
Also, in the second paragraph, pay attention to punctuation--a comma should always be placed within the quotation marks, just as a period should.
Is this a true story? Some of the details you've included suggest that it is.
I'm a little confused about the way you've organized this--at the beginning of the story, you describe Natale's character as though he's alive and well; you then go on to express Annie's sadness at experiencing Christmas without him; for the next few paragraphs, you describe his illness; and then he's dead again. It's generally very confusing when the narration skips around like that; if you really want that flexibility, you should try making deliberate use of the past imperfect, to establish that you're talking about two different time periods.
Correct the spelling of stabilized.
As I've said, this seems to be a true story, as have been the others in your short stories folder. If it isn't, though, consider adding more details that are personal to Annie, to make her come alive for the reader, so that her existence isn't simply an extension of her father's illness.
Otherwise, if this is a true story, I have enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing a touching Christmas tale.
Hilarious satire. You've really caught the Seussian singsong rhythm here, which makes your subject matter seem all the more ridiculous--very effective.
It really disgusts me to think that we've devolved to the point where someone can sue McDonald's for the fat content of its obviously fatty food. What ever happened to personal responsibility? What happened to making educated decisions and reaping the consequences accordingly?
As I've suggested before, it might help to come up with a more descriptive (and less suggestive) item description--let the reader decide for herself whether these words are thought-provoking inspiration, but guide her to that conclusion with a few words on what this piece will be about.
This is the first I've seen you address one of your pieces to a specific event or time of year--very nice, and it seems I share all your hopes for the new year.
Great follow-up to an excellent article. Again, you've covered several important points, and I respect your cause--helping writers to optimize their potential by highlighting avoidable mistakes.
A couple things:
The first time you quote Jessibelle, Grammar is not optional, you've done the quotation marks right at the beginning--doubles to indicate a quote, then a single one to indicate a quote within a quote. But you need to switch the one after optional, from a double to a single. Simple mistake.
I don't know your policy on editing the quotes you receive from others, but I'd recommend correcting the spelling of Hemingway in Lively's quote. One m, not two.
You've begun a couple of sentences with conjunctions--offhand, I remember seeing a But and a Yet. That's not ideal. Though it's one of those grammar rules that experienced stylists frequently choose to break, you might want to err on the side of cleanliness here, especially as you're encouraging readers to be attentive to their own grammar.
On a slightly more personal note, I notice you've used the same set of general quotes at the end of this article that you used at the end of the first one--which is fine, in most cases, as the quotes tend to be general and vague. Mine, however, voices agreement with issues you raised in the first article, but not in this one--do you think it'd be better to replace that first paragraph with something more fitting, or eliminate it altogether? Just a suggestion.
All in all, another carefully researched article, and a great read. I appreciate the links. As long as I've been on the site, I had no idea there were so many items dedicated to helping members with their grammar. Thanks for the enlightenment.
You've said it perfectly in one of your entries--"Until you've lived with a compulsive gambler, it all seems black and white." People tend to underestimate the weight of certain trials until they've lived them for themselves--or until they read something as insightful and compelling as this journal you've begun.
I'm very happy that you've gotten your upgrade back, so you can continue to write on the subject of compulsive gambling. While you may not find the therapy you need on this site, I can guarantee that not only will someone understand your pain, you'll also have a daily opportunity to inspire and encourage someone else going through a similar struggle.
That's what this site is about, after all--helping one another to deal with life online and off, building our collective confidence and growing as writers. By journaling on this topic, you've got a chance to do all three. I hope it works out for you.
Great idea. While journaling should of course be primarily about the journaler, many of us find our inspiration in knowing that our words are touching readers. Hence, a blog ring--or any kind of journaling group--does a great service to journalers and readers alike. Writers gain an automatic audience, and readers get a convenient one-stop shop to feed their interests.
Two suggestions: first of all, you don't need the commas around the words "Ray Bradbury," and second, I see no need to mention his declining physical condition--what's important is that even now, decades into his career as a writer, he still writes regularly, setting an example that we should all follow. I'd drop those lines about his eyesight and heart problems.
I don't claim to be a stellar poetry critic, and I do plan on going back to give some of these pieces a more careful read, but from what I've seen, there's a reason this folder, and so many of the individual poems themselves, have earned those colorful ribbons.
Your writing is very real, and very lyrical. You take intricate subject matter and render it with simple, touching words--the feelings are complex, but the poems are not, making them accessible and enjoyable to all. Keep up the good work.
Nose-wrinkling. For such a short story, this is remarkably effective. You do a great job of channeling bizarre irony, and centering flash fiction around a short verse always adds an interesting dimension. Particularly in this case, where the objectivity of the verse really brings out the horror of its content.
I have a few technical questions. I'm sure the story is supposed to be ambiguous, to an extent, but for it to be most effective, at least one (and probably more) possible direction has to make sense. Should we assume that Carl killed Helen? If so, her body shouldn't have "washed up" on the beach, it should have floated away. Did he actually find her washed up on the beach? If so, how does he know her name, and why is he so matter-of-fact about his find?
I think what's most likely is that Carl killed Helen, but if that's the case, then she wouldn't be lying "washed up" on the beach, she'd simply be lying "on the beach."
Also, why are the garbage bags dripping? Perhaps he smothered her with them in the water? If he's making note of the tide going out, does that mean he's planning on putting her out with it?
Nitpicky things, I know, but I think this short story is powerful, and has the potential to be even more so, with a little more attention to consistency. It's very possible that I'm just overlooking something--let me know and I'll come back and reread.
"We are our own worst critics." Maybe that's not true of everyone, but it certainly rings true for me--and, I'd imagine, for most intelligent post-adolescent females, who spend unbelievable amounts of mental and emotional energy on tearing themselves apart.
A friend of mine has this theory that "everyone thinks they're the best." Meaning that, for evolutionary reasons, each of us believes ourselves to be at least as worthwhile as everyone else on the planet. On certain days that seems especially true--we approve of our own reflections, our own actions, and we're proud to be who we are; who cares what the rest of the world thinks? Other days it's like the bottom drops out--we'd rather be anyone but ourselves, and we feel hateful and wrong. It's completely unpredictable, not to mention bizarre.
Your bio block says you're nineteen. I turned twenty in February, so the nearest I can figure is that we're a product of our generation. Something about the circumstances of our nineties upbringing made us this way. Or else it's a phase that everyone goes through. Either way, you've voiced the feelings well--your words are simple but clear, and, like I said, they rang true for me.
Your rhythm is a little ragged. If you want to perfect this poem, consider tightening up the meter--a more uniform rhythm through the first four stanzas might help to emphasize that surprise last line, too. Just something to think about.
A little long, but all in all an absolutely fantastic article. You've covered many of what I consider to be the most horrid crimes committed against the site's poor readers, and many of them simply point to a tragic lack of effort on the part of writers. You are very right--pieces that scream for attention, hide behind "creative" formatting, over- or underestimate their merit are indeed likely to be received negatively, and avoided like the plague where possible.
This article is one of the most well-researched I've seen thus far on the site. You've been generous in labeling it "opinion"; really, you've covered all the bases as far as informing your points with carefully constructed polls and source quotes. By providing the links to said polls, you give the article a credibility that is refreshing, as so many writers prefer to simply splash their own singular opinions haphazardly across the page. Everyone could take a lesson or two from your professionalism.
My only complete, as I stated earlier, is that this is a bit lengthy. The writing is clear and concise, and generally steers clear of the dreaded wordiness, but could still be pared down further to make for a more streamlined read. Those writers guilty of the crimes you list are unlikely to keep reading, if they feel the "attack" has gone on too long.
Also, you've forgotten to put quotation marks around Lively's quote--the third to last.
Again, a wonderful article. Thanks for sharing--this is a much-needed service to the Writing.com community.
Interesting poll! I've seen others like this, most of which ask the question, "How do you think you compare to other writers on the site?" Personally, I think your way is more effective--what's important isn't how we measure up to the talents of others, but how we meet our own standards.
The only problem with the options you've provided is in the last one: "Just a hobby, never claimed to be good!" There are those out there who are serious about their writing, but recognize that it needs serious improvement--in other words, those who view it as more than "just a hobby," but still feel it deserves a single star.
Other than that, this is a cute and interesting survey, and I'll be interested to see how my fellow Writing.commers rated themselves!
Terrifying story! I've seen a lot of horror movies {this one reminds me of The Amityville Horror, but better ), and I typically find that the most effective way to scare the audience is by juxtaposing that which seems innocent and that which is actually quite macabre. In this case, you've done that well, with the Valentine's Day references woven throughout. There is very little that's more chilling than the idea of a preteen turning homicidal over something as seemingly inoffensive as some valentines and heart candies.
Throughout the entire story, I only caught one mechanical mistake: "The stairway lie just before her" should be "The stairway lay just before her."
Other than that, this was a fantastic read. You've got a real skill for writing horror, and I can't wait to see what else awaits in your port!
I can't imagine there's anything more challenging--or more ultimately rewarding--than caring for a child who hasn't been taught to receive love. I'm entering my third year of college, and to date I've volunteered with several such children--some abandoned, others tethered to homes ill-suited to raise impressionable boys and girls--and it pains me to see them internalize the ill treatment they receive, translating it into their own worthlessness.
You've done yet another great job of a complex situation and the many emotions surrounding it. Your rhyme scheme is unique, or at least one I haven't seen before, and while I'd proofread to tighten up the meter somewhat, overall you've done a wonderful job conveying the misery of this girl's situation, and done so with sensitivity and empathy.
An interesting and chilling question. Rather than "within our lifetimes," maybe you'd be wiser to say "within the next three hundred years" or something? Because while I'm sure many recognize the strains that we as a species are putting on our limited environmental resources, very few, I would think, actually believe we're going to meet our final demise within the next few decades.
Also, consider adding an "other" option to the poll--yes, you've provided the option of "multitudes succumbing for other reasons," but what about those who believe that final judgment will separate those who get to stay from those who must make their exit? Anyway, "Other" is a good catchall for subjective polls like this one.
Again, a very interesting question. I've already taken the poll and was a little startled to see how many voters don't expect to see the end of their natural lives.
This is a very touching look at the strength of childhood friendships. The fact that you've written this as a poem, rather than a story, lends it just the kind of childlike magic it deserves--under ordinary circumstances the conclusion would be chilling, with all the makings of a formulaic ghost story.
As it is, there's nothing frightening about it, just sweet and satisfying. The end suggests that in spite of Betty's untimely death, the relationship between the young cousins will live on as Sara grows up.
The meter is a bit ragged in places, particularly because you've relied on caesuras and enjambed endings in so many of your lines. Your words are carefully chosen, giving the poem a sophisticated feel; perfect it by tightening up the rhythm.
Otherwise, a very nice job. Have you entered this in any contests?
Argh! I'd ream you out if I weren't so impressed. You've built this story so that the reader's suspense swells and intensifies along with Brian's frustration, and your ending, while maddening, brings this short, strategically vague piece full circle. Too bad that we, who don't have the option of picking the object up to see for ourselves, will never know exactly what it does--still, this is cleverly constructed.
I'm interested to see whether that same cleverness is present in your other pieces. I'm heading over to your port now.
*Interesting. Personally, I have yet to figure out the appeal to these "shrinking" stories, but yours is the first I've seen that's centered on a real-life character, and that makes it unique. It seems to be pretty popular; I wish you luck in gaining and holding onto participants.
One suggestion: you might want to introduce David Beckham as a soccer player early on, for those who come across this story and aren't familiar with his career. Of course, it might be that you only want actual fans adding to the story; your decision.
Even shorter than I expected from the warning in your item description, but in eight words you still managed to make a pretty powerful statement about the strange intricacies of self-image. One would think passing by a full-length mirror would be a simple, affirming experience--everything in the same place it's always been, reflection just as familiar as ever.
Yet a lot of us have a hard time really "seeing" ourselves, making self-recognition all that much more difficult. For someone who doesn't do a lot of self-examining, a reflection can be a shocking thing. Do I, one thinks, really look like that?
This could of course use more depth of detail, but I think I understand what you were trying to do. Nice job.
I've just finished rating all your polls! No, I didn't do them all in one sitting (), but I'm fairly sure I hit every last one.
You've posed some interesting questions, light and provocative enough to spark easygoing debate among readers. I hope they give you the insight you desire about your fellow Writing.commers, and that you find success with any future polls.
Once again, you've got my full agreement, but this piece is weakened by the excessive repetition between the overview and general body. This is another that could stand just fine on its own, though I'm pretty sure you're determined to stay consistent with the format you've chosen.
Generally, I agree with your major point, and I like the insightful question that finishes off the body--it should give anyone who harbors this hypocrisy (read: everyone) self-reflective pause.
This is an absolutely wrenching poem about one of the greatest tragedies imaginable. The silver lining--for there is one for every cloud--is that you've taken your pain and turned it into something truly beautiful, a tribute to a child who is obviously loved even now.
In all three stanzas but particularly the first, I can really feel your enthusiasm; you truly strike the note of an expectant mother's joyous wonder.
Even your choice of font color seems to complement the loving tone of the poem; rather than writing something dim and mournful, you've chosen--admirably, I think--to celebrate life instead, and the bright blue and pink keep the reader centered in that positivity.
Beautifully written.
~shannon
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aquatoni85
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 10:23pm on Dec 17, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
) It might be nice to provide the answers at least to the vanilla and peppermint questions, just for symmetry. 