I really enjoyed your story! I especially liked the little “prophesy” touch at the end. Good work!
Here are some of my ideas/suggestions, these are not mistakes per se but things that could be improved. Press ctrl+f to find these in a hurry.
which of course was restricted to only nobles and other high class families.~This part doesn’t really need to be in there. It’s not relevant to the story and just takes up space.
Your names seem a bit complicated. It’s hard to make really good fantasy names that work. I really like the names; it seems that you have used Lord of the Rings as a base for them. Maybe you could add a pronunciation guide at the beginning?
Grammatical and spelling mistakes…
Again press ctrl+f to find these in a jiffy!
hanging above his thrown~Should be throne.
It’s eagle head pointed up in a roar~Should be Its.
only a few foolish man~Should be men.
and another that was weapon less~Weapon and less should be one word.
is it not Captain? And you have~Try not to begin a sentence with a conjunction.
Without no Lilanda and Alice~Double negative, should be either without, or no, not both.
voice echoed through Alders mind.~Should be Alder’s
Azerus Malykin was free fell through~Delete was.
enough to waist his Lord’s~Should be waste.
Drynden’s pail complexion~Should be pale.
He coughed the clear his throat.~Should be to.
has lost all will will pounce~Delete one will.
from the North East tower~Directions shouldn’t be capitalized.
Too the people and the kingdom.~Should be to.
family have access to such hidden~Should be had.
led up to the Lords Chamber.~Should be Lord’s.
Empire have used it for anything~Should be had.
there are a few records to suggest the many~Should be were.
whomever he wishes.~Should be wished.
except for the Lords Chamber.~Should be Lord’s.
you become made trying to fix~Should be mad.
as you said, than two of the five~Should be then.
What did I like and what didn’t I like?
Loved the character Drynden. He was so creepy, yet I was sad to see him go, and with such an eerie message for the king too!
I liked the tension you left me with at the end, now I want to read more. I want to know what the prophesy is and what these rebel people have to do with it and why they’re so important.
I felt that the thoughts could have been presented in a less confusing way, especially at the beginning. They need to have quotation marks or something.
All in all I liked it! Great job and keep writing!
~April Showers
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A great read! I really got into it and want to know what happens to Kalira and if Arath ever tells her that he loves her and...you get the point. I loved the story.
Here are some of my suggestions.
In the sixth paragraph the servant speaks very disrespectfully to the princess. That might be acceptable if they are good friends and there is noone else present, but in this situation I don't think it is appropriate.
In the 28th paragraph I think a better wording could be "I'm sorry."
In the 43rd paragraph, the princess uses some ghastly English. That may be the way you want it but I think a better wording would be "Going to" instead of "gonna".
These are only suggestions. Take them or leave them if you will.
Grammar/Spelling Mistakes: Press ctrl+f and type these in to find where they are in a hurry.
That is good to here.~Should be hear.
but we must make due.~Should be do.
He mind spoke to Kalira.~Should be His.(Not sure if you mean "mind spoke" as in he spoke with his mind, it's a little confusing.)
Ardens people, including prince Arath~Should be Arden's.
green eyes of Gildors daughter.~Should be Gildor's.
doing a working mans job.~Should be man's.
Seeing friends lying deadon the ground,~Should be dead on with a space.
eager to show Lamaths forces a thing or two.~Should be Lamath's.
Kaliras mind scream~Should be Kalira's
She is Kaliras friend,~Should be Kalira's.
I really liked your characters!
I like the tension that you put between Kalira and Arath and I hope to read more about their adventure!
The whole telepathy mind speaking thing with the unicorn? Really cool, but the way you formatted it makes it very confusing. Perhaps you could try using italics for the actual spoken words, since they are thoughts.
Thank you for sharing and I hope to read more of your work in the future!
Hello! Welcome to writing.com! We're so glad to have you here!
The first thing I would like to say about this poem is that it is a little short. It really needs to be filled out more. What I mean by this is that it needs some more descriptions. What does the dream look like as it fades? As Death beats at your door what do you feel? Does Death say anything to you? Things like that will add so much more life and body to your poem.
In line 4 you spelled amid wrong.
In the second and third stanza the meter is all wrong. Make sure you read the poem out loud. Try clapping the rhythm as you read the poem. This will help you find the places that need work. I think once you fill it out it will help fix this problem.
I like the idea for the poem. Dreams are a very popular subject for poems. It's not very original but maybe you could focus in on one specific dream to make it more your own.
I hope this review has helped. Please feel free to read rate and review some of my work as well. I would love to hear what you think of my poems! I know they aren't the best. Thank you!
~April Showers
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Great letter! I love how you made it so personal. I found one typo. (where they many) I think it should be where there are. Anywho good luck in the contest. It's been so fun so far!!
~April Showers
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"Invalid Item"
I am totally against euthanasia or "mercy killing" as it is sometimes called. In the end it is all murder. I just do not understand how anyone could look on it as merciful. You've written a very sad story. Not because he died, but because the wife was cold enough to kill him.
This is a very well written piece. I can really tell that the words flowed from you inner being, it's very greatly expressed here. I also like your color choice. Green is the color of freshness and new life. Keep up the great work!
~April Showers
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The first thing I notice, is that the first stanza doesn't have the same rythm as the rest. That kinda broke it for me. I was just getting into the first pattern and it changed. No spelling errors for you to fix!
~April Showers
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It's a very pretty story! I remember babysitting kids who liked to eat ladybugs. I don't know why this would be condemned. I'm a Christian and I find nothing wrong with a little girl liking a ladybug. Thanks for sharing this cute story!
~A review from April Showers
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You obviously love your son very much! I can tell by this poem that you have alot of pride in him also. The second stanza, line # two should be capitalized. It's an interjection, so it needs to stand out more. That's about it! Keep up the good work!
~A review from April Showers
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Sounds alot like my family! We have our old box of old Christmas ornaments that we made when we were 5 and 6. Thanks so much for sharing these memories!
One mistake: Rummaging through the old box each year has about the same emotional impact as looking at old photos made when the kids were little or when mom and dad were still alive.
This sentence needs some commas to make it flow better.
~A review from April Showers
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Very nice poem! The only thing I sould say is that you used the word bloomed in the first stanza as well as the second. It sounds kindo repetitive. Other than that, great job! Keep up the good work!
~A review from April Showers
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I really like it! Great poem, and it goes so well with the story! I just don't think it's quite in Tolkien's style. That's why I gave a 4.5. Anyway, great poem!
I like your rhymes and wording throughout! Keep up the good work!
~A review from April Showers
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I would also classify this under personal, because it is very personal. I think you should clarify what you mean by 'Enjoy you life as a teen.' Some might take that to mean something that I won't mention. Just thought you might want to clarify that. Great story!
~A review from April Showers
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Another gripping tale. It seems unfinished though. You might want to add a little more on to the end of it, to make it seem more complete. Scary and suspensful, great job! Write on!!!
~A review from April Showers
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I think you should mention something about it being patriotic in the intro. A great poem. My favorite rhyme: prejudicial-superficial. Keep up the good work!!
~A review from April Showers
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Nice rhymes, good rythm, great spelling. What can I say? It's great! My favorite rhyme: dimmer-glimmer. Great job on that one! Keep up the good work!!!!
~A review from April Showers
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I love it! 4.5 out of 5 because, although I like the rhyme sceme. It gets a little too repetitive near the end. I would suggest, changing it about halfway through. I like your story too. It's not often that the bad guy gets the girl! Write on!
~April Showers
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I love the imagery! I can see the places you describe. Great job! Also, with the long lines, I'm very suprised at how well you made it rhyme! And the rythm is good too. A very well thought out poem! Write on!!!
~April Showers
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First Thoughts:I really like this story. The idea isn’t all that original, but the line is more interesting than a few that I’ve read like it.
Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation: Red denotes a spelling error. Blue denotes a grammatical error. Green denotes a punctuation error.
swallowing me into a swirl of a wormhole of multicolour lights.
This should be: multicolor
I lied down on the blue grasses
Should be: lay
(I’m beginning to feel like suffering from a monochromatic colour blind)
Should be: color. Watch this word throughout the story. It’s misspelled almost every time.
(I’m beginning to feel like suffering from a monochromatic colour blind)
I can’t figure out what this sentence is all about. Try reading it out loud and then seeing what’s wrong with it.
(*@!!, must HE do it everytime I finish talking?!)
Everytime should be two words.
“How could you be so IRRESPONSSIBLE?!” I shouted louder.
Should be: irresponsible
“This is the first time you talk in long sentences,” I said, smiling even bigger to annoy him more.
This should be: you’ve
Lios cocked his head slightly at first, but then nodded understandingly. “Is the snow feels cold in your world?” He asked.
This should be: Does the snow feel cold in your world?
Suddenly, a violent gush of wind blew in our directions!
Should be: direction
“It’s just their nature… They are supposed to act that way, it’s in their instincts.” Lios said, disagreed.
Should be: disagreeing
Characters:
I liked your fantasy characters! I like their names and how you described them.
I didn’t like your main character. She was selfish and rude. She was not the kind of character that I would like to read about. The other thing about her was he name. I started out thinking she was a boy because she introduced herself as Theodore. I would think of changing the name to a more girly name.
Overall:
I like the general idea! With a little tweaking it could be very good. Keep writing!!
First Thoughts: It’s very original. I’ve never read a story quite like it. But whenever you try something new, you come across difficulties. The story was confusing. There wasn’t enough description in it, so I didn’t understand what was going on until the very end.
Grammar and Punctuation: Here are the mistakes I found.
”This concludes todays lesson.”
This should read: “This concludes today’s lesson.”
”Aaaaaww!” everyone sighes.
Should be: everyone sighs
"Aaw, aaw. That was dope yo!" said the third student as he covered his wide grin with his right hand.
You changes tense in this sentence. It should be: "Aaw, aaw. That was dope yo!" says the third student as he coveres his wide grin with his right hand.
After 30 minutes of fumbling in the dark, he hears rythmic beats and chanting resonate throughout the cave.
This should be: After 30 minutes of fumbling in the dark, he hears rhythmic beats and chanting resonate throughout the cave.
The same mistake is in the next paragraph.
Now possesed, he slowly paces to the kneeling chanters...and joins them as they pray at the glowing toes of a large stone statue of their fore fathers.
This should be possessed
LC seems to ponder the questions asked, smiles, then answers honestly. "We are hear to investigate Rap music.
Should be: here
These are just a few of the ones I found.
Overall: It was just plain confusing. Like: What in the world is a dween? I have no clue, yet it’s referred to several times. And the conversations are always short and confusing. And the whole part at the monastery? I thought the aliens didn’t like violence. So why did they attack the monks?
All in all, I think it needs some work. But I commend you for trying something new!
This is a cute little story you have here! I really like the misuse of grammar at the end. I also like that he used "dangdest thing" instead of phenomenon! That really adds a nice touch to it!
One thing I noticed about this is that, it doesn't have adequate line breaks. Since you're new here, I'll tell you the easiest way to do line breaks. (double return) Otherwise you have to type {indent} before all the new paragraphs. That can be annoying!
I hope this helps! Welcome to writing.com and WRITE ON!!!
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which of course was restricted to only nobles and other high class families.~This part doesn’t really need to be in there. It’s not relevant to the story and just takes up space.
Loved the character Drynden. He was so creepy, yet I was sad to see him go, and with such an eerie message for the king too!
I felt that the thoughts could have been presented in a less confusing way, especially at the beginning. They need to have quotation marks or something.
