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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aprildesiree
Review Requests: OFF
698 Public Reviews Given
972 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Firm yet fair.
I'm good at...
Poetry and short stories.
Favorite Genres
Historical fiction and fantasy. I also love any type of poetry, especially form poetry.
Least Favorite Genres
Sci-fi.
Favorite Item Types
Short story, poetry, chapter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Interactive.
I will not review...
Interactive.
Public Reviews
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1
1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi Ms. Bellcher Author Icon!

I found your story on the Read a Newbie page.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

There's a young homeless woman in London, the Ripper, presumably, and an unknown resident.

Plot:

There wasn't much of a story arc here. However, your ability to create tension and suspense was amazing. I was holding my breath at times and couldn't look away but had to keep reading. The plot is a little too simplistic for me; I'd like to see more because I like your writing style.

Setting:

At night, in London. A nice creepy setting for such a story!

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

I appreciated your use of archaic language to fit the times. Sometimes it sounded stilted or with fragmented sentences but it felt like a stream-of-consciousness type of thing, which is actually quite appropriate in that case because she was half out of her mind with fear, so her thoughts would be stilted and fragmented. She was trying to make sense of what was happening.

*Thought*Dialogue:

There was no dialogue present, only internal thoughts. I would like to see some dialogue.

Beginning and Ending:

I was a little confused at why she was referred to as a bird. I'm American and maybe it's a British colloquialism but I'm not familiar with it, so maybe you could weave in an explanation of that somehow? The ending was good but I definitely want to see more to the story, so I'm not satisfied that it's over *Laugh*

Errors:

wondering --> wandering
wonders down --> wanders down
rat ridden alleyway --> rat-ridden alleyway
silent and abandon --> silent and abandoned
alleyway were she came from --> alleyway where she came from
let's out a small scream --> lets out a small scream
spot light --> spotlight
had he not open that door --> had he not opened that door

Summary:

The intensity you created was real and strong and had my stomach in knots. Excellent on that score. I have many opinions on what could be different but it's your work, you're the boss. But if I had my way, it would be longer, because this has great potential and I want more story, and I want dialogue to hear them speaking and is she an educated girl or did she grow up on the streets? Is she touch and quick-witted or is she a sitting duck with no street smarts? Usually writers get it the other way around; they have a great plot and story arc, but their characters are dull, dialogue is weak and absolutely no suspense, no intensity, no real conflict or tension, no sitting-on-the-edge-of-my-seat while reading it. You already have that element which in my opinion is the hardest to convey in mere words. So congratulations, you're ahead of the game! Just expand on the details and I think you'll have a riveting story. You're very talented and I look forward to more of your work.

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2
2
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi R.King Author Icon!

I found your poem on the Read a Newbie page.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

I like the rhyming scheme of AABB. It's simple yet profound.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The meter is perfect through every line. It has an amazing flow.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I love the metaphors in each line. The reaching and growing reference in the first line makes me think of a plant or a tree, and when they're growing, the sky is the limit, I mean besides what their natural maximum height is LOL! But you know what I mean. Reaching and growing are similar and yet sometimes like the chicken and the egg, which comes first? Do you grow in order to reach new heights, or if you reach out first, does that force one to grow? Your first line is perfectly ambiguous and really makes the reader think about that, requiring a deeper reflection and analysis.

The similar type of "which one came first" concept is present in the rest of the poem, which is outstanding. The vagueness forces the reader to reason and to use critical thinking. That is a sign of incredible depth in your content and writing ability in general and I'm delighted at all of the layers one can peel away in this poem. You are incredibly talented and I'm so happy I found this work of yours!

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3
3
Review of Summer's Night  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello The Nazca Lines Author Icon!

I'm delighted to review this work of yours.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person which is appropriate for the content of this piece. Third person would sound too distant, impersonal. The tone is reflective and full of awe and appreciation, and the diction is lovely, as usual!

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

The rhyming scheme was interesting and just inconsistent enough to spice it up a little, to shake things up. The first stanza has a rhyming couplet, then the second and third stanzas go to the BCDE path, but the C and E are very close rhymes, almost echoes, soul/roam, and it works. The rest of the rhymes are pretty spot on but again, the third to last stanza deviates but repeats at the end with light/night. I loved the presentation of the rhymes! If it were too perfect, like AABB, etc., it might sound too sing-songy. As it is here, it sounds perfect to the ears.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: METER:

The meter is smooth with a natural flow and remains uniform until the third to last stanza. If that and the remaining stanzas were all uniform themselves, I wouldn't say anything, but they aren't and it was a little stilted meter-wise at the end. If I might suggest a couple modifications, here is how I would rewrite it, but it's your work in the end:
"Lights are twinkling from afar
Glasses clinking in the light"
And I would leave the last two stanzas as is, because they work and flow well!

*Right*ERRORS:

concieve conceive
a far afar
Summers Summer's

I always love reading your work and this is no different. Your style is one of my favorites to read, and it never disappoints! The content is so colorful and peppered with gorgeous similes and metaphors, and it's just the epitome of classical literature that I enjoy reading and studying. Thank you for this beautiful read!

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4
4
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Shadow Prowler-Spreading Love Author Icon!

I found your story on the Please Review page.

Plot:

This was an incredibly creative story. The details are outstanding and I enjoyed reading every word. Not only do cats have their own world and identities, but they even have the nuance of superstition among themselves as far as the black cat superstition versus non-black cats. That was my favorite part!

*Thought*Dialogue:

The dialogue was believable and sounded natural.

Beginning and Ending:

The story flows wonderfully. Third person is used as the voice throughout, until the very last line which uses the second person to speak directly to the reader. I would stick with third person for that part as well to keep it uniform.

Suggestions:

There are many modifiers in the beginning that could be omitted. I'll give specific examples and why:
The vivid orange harvest moon shone brightly over the tops of the canopy of tall pine trees that densely populated the gently rolling hills
Why: orange moons usually are already vivid, to shine brightly is redundant, and for rolling hills to roll "gently" just sounds like overkill. Rolling hills is enough.
Adverbs are to be used sparingly; you can always find a stronger verb in the first place. I would suggest you comb through the rest of the text and pick out the adverbs you have, see if you can choose a stronger verb, and voila.
Many were the felines who met their demise foolish enough to try and devour one so wise.
You have a rhyming couplet here, demise/wise, which is a poetic device and lovely in poetry but not in fiction. One may accuse it of being "purple prose" although I wouldn't go that far, and I wouldn't want to be hurtful! *Laugh* But I would just change one of those words to eliminate the rhyme.
In the third to last paragraph you have: How to properly arch it's back and the "its" is possessive so does not have an apostrophe.

Summary:

I feel like this could be a longer work. I see volumes of YA novels in this alternate universe where cats have their own world, government, hierarchy, jobs, etc. I would totally read this series! Or even if it were just a longer short story. As it is, though, it's pretty phenomenal. Just saying I would read more. Your creativity is boundless and I look forward to reading more of your work!

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5
5
Review of magpies  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Charlie Carrol Author Icon!

I found your story on the Please Review page.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

A child (son?) and his mother. The father is not present but referred to in the dialogue. These characters were fascinating, particularly the mom: there was something akin to a VC Andrews-type of weirdness to her that intrigued me and I had to read more! And I have the attention span of a fly these days so that's a huge compliment coming from me!

Plot:

The plot is very simple. The child wants to go to the garden, and the mother doesn't want to let him, with good reason it turns out. The suspense building around what lurks in the garden was fleshed out extremely well. The clues dropped throughout this short story were well placed and definitely kept me engaged. If this were a novel, I wouldn't be able to put it down!

Setting:

There are two settings in this story, inside the house, and outside in the garden. There is such an incredible juxtaposition created between the house and the garden, which ironically and much to my delight, employs the opposite of what people usually conceive of when they think of a home or a garden: gardens are beautiful and tranquil, and homes are often stress-riddled emotional time bombs. Here, though, you present the reverse. The home is actually the safe place for the kid to be, and the garden is anything but serene! I'm trying not to write any spoilers here for other readers.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

Your storytelling style is amazing. I love the little editorials, like "Superstition is comfort to fools." That was great! The voice was in first person but it wasn't overdone with too much reflection or opinions. It was just the right balance of exposition, inner thoughts and plot progression.

*Thought*Dialogue:

Some of the dialogue did confuse me. Perhaps I have to go back and read it again. I didn't know what the mom was referring to when she mentioned screaming out the window at night. Maybe you could allude to that somewhere earlier and then it would make more sense? Or maybe I just missed the boat on that one *Laugh*

Summary:

Wow, wow, WOW! Dark themes are your forte, my friend. I was intrigued, bewildered, curious and riddled with suspenseful anxiety while reading this, and I wouldn't have it any other way. The length was long enough to convey a full story but short enough to not drag on and on. One suggestion I might make is more spacing between paragraphs and dialogue just to make it easier on the eyes, and maybe increasing the font one size up. This was a fantastic read and I'm so glad I stumbled upon it!

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6
6
Review of Night Terrors  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello Sijil Author Icon!

I'm glad to review another one of your poems.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

This was very interesting. It was written in second person, talking to an unknown "you" and the tone was scary, somber, and suspenseful. The diction was good.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

The internal rhymes were GREAT, I really loved those. However, the first two lines don't contain that pattern. It only begins in the third line, and continues until the end. The third line has the internal rhyme couplet of cease/peace, the fourth has awaken/shaken and core/before, and the last line has fears/tears. Brilliant, but the first two lines don't have this and sound off compared to the rest.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

Again, the meter is consistent and uniform in lines 3-5, but lines 1-2 just don't have a flow. I love the content and the message, but since there's meter and rhyme in the latter part of the poem, I'd like to see it in the former.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"...creeping in through the cracks in your mind."
Wow! Powerful.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

The imagery was stunning in this poem. I could see myself writhing in bed as I go through another horrible nightmare, or even worse, an episode of sleep paralysis. That hasn't happened in a while though, thank goodness, but this poem definitely brought up the memories! You took something so simple as having a nightmare and spun a beautiful word web that was like music to the ears. You're very gifted and I hope you take my constructive criticism as a sign that I like your work and think it can be slightly improved upon. *BigSmile* Again, great job!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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7
7
Review of Spiders and Frogs  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Poetic Indulgences Author Icon!

I found your poem on the Read a Newbie page and I'm happy to send you a review.

All of the wonderful imagery brings back happy memories of my childhood. I loved frogs and I remember being somewhere like a Renaissance Fair and the hillside was slightly muddy and FULL of frogs! I was catching them and playing with them. I wasn't too fond of worms but for my 3rd birthday, I wanted a snake! I was definitely tough as nails as a little girl. I identify with this a lot and the hectic transitions from thought to thought accurately depict how children have the attention span of a fly! There's just too much to see, explore and discover. Definitely the good ole days!

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

Since you used punctuation here, I wouldn't capitalize the first word of every line, to keep it uniform with the style. No punctuation and all caps for every line, or punctuation rules throughout.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"Scraped knees and tough as nails,
Puppies wagging happy tails"

I loved that visual. The puppies can be a metaphor for children themselves, young and cute and happy. Love it.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a fantastic read and exactly what I needed to lift my spirits at the moment! I'm so happy I stumbled upon your poem and I'm glad you've joined this wonderful community. I look forward to seeing more writings from you.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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8
8
Review of For my Father  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi Chained Author Icon!

I found your poem on the Read a Newbie page and I'm happy to send you a review today.

*Mic*INITIAL REACTION:

When I got to the end of the poem, I was smiling.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

I like the rhyming scheme of ABCB, and the rhymes themselves were subtle and creative.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The meter flows well and the lines are the perfect length.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"Even dimensions bend from his mind"
Great choice of words there!

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I love the metaphors all throughout this poem. Most lines are ambiguous enough to have more than one meaning and I really like that characteristic in poetry. The subject of the poem itself is ambiguous (which I love!) because it could literally be the narrator's father being described, or it could be God or the Universe or whatever Higher Power the narrator believes in. That kind of duality in the interpretation is what makes good poems great, and you've done that here, whether or not it was your intention! Love it. I look forward to seeing more work from you.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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9
9
Review of Light  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi WinterSnow Author Icon!

I found your poem on the Read a Newbie page and I'm happy to send you a review today.

*Mic*INITIAL REACTION:

I definitely relate to this, and I think it's a feeling we all share right now. It's imperative to hope for the light at the end of the tunnel even if we can't see it right now.

*Right*ERRORS:

Remove the comma in "No, light at the end of this tunnel"
"I can't see nothing" is a double negative and should be "I can't see anything"
All of the instances of "its" should have an apostrophe to make them "it's"

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I feel like this poem is slightly unfinished. You introduced some great similes with the land of milk and honey, and land of misery and despair, but then you stopped cold and didn't elaborate. I want to read more about the misery and despair! What makes it so? The milk and honey simile was great and I'd like to see more similes and explanations. Yes, the narrator is in the tunnel and full of despair, but why? How did they get there? What can they do to triumph and persevere, and what obstacles do they still face?

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"The darkness was chased away by the light"
I love that visual!

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

There are good metaphors, similes and imagery in this piece. Your creative flair is apparent in the whole poem, and you definitely have a way with words. This is a promising draft but I personally feel it needs more, to flesh out the middle part. There's so much depth here and the content is very relatable. I greatly enjoyed reading this and I hope to read more of your work!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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10
10
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi elyse03 Author Icon!

I found your poem on the Read a Newbie page and I'm happy to send you a review.

The short lines and lack of capitalization seem to reflect the current state of mind of many people right now. I liken it to fearful but optimistic. In such a short piece, you've captured a lot of feelings that are popular right now: phobias, anger, worry, and love. It's simple but straightforward and the short clipped meter worked very well for this subject.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"more news than words can say"

I felt that! I can only read news articles now, because the TV just makes me impatient and anxious. Hence why I'm here on WDC reviewing LOL!

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Creating art via the written word, as is your poem, is so cathartic for me to process things I've been through, and I imagine it was for you too. It was also nice to read something written by someone I don't even know, but the observations we both have are the same. It was comforting. I like your style of writing and I can't wait to see what else you have in your portfolio. This was an excellent read.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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11
11
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi Sijil Author Icon!

I found your poem on the "Read a Newbie" page and it's my pleasure to send you a review.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, the tone is pensive and regretful, and the diction is great.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

I liked the rhyming scheme coupled with the unconventional meter.

*Right*ERRORS:

Not really an error, but I would write out the word "and" instead of using the "&" where it says "into the red & orange..."

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

Some of the punctuation could be cleaned up, like in places there's a period but it's breaking up the thought so it shouldn't have a period, it can just flow.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"A gem of light that drew me in"

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I know you said in the introduction that you wrote this when you developed a crush, but the content is so cryptic (which I love!) that it could be talking about so many different things besides love. For instance, the first time I read through it, it sounded to me like it was referencing depression or mental illness, because of the "only to awaken empty-handed". I really appreciate poetry with multiple interpretations or meanings. There's always the original intent of the writer's, but if it's vague enough and colorful enough to be perceived in a few different ways, that's excellent writing in my opinion, and you've done that here! Thanks for the wonderful read.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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12
12
Review of The Pirate  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi Quizmo LaGrande Author Icon!

I found your port because it's your account anniversary, congrats to you! I saw the title of this poem and had to take a look, and my curiosity was rewarded!

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person and the tone is cryptic with an element of mystery, which I liked. The diction is breathtaking!

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

The rhyming scheme is ABCB, etc. There's a lot of alliteration and consonance which makes it melodious to the ear, and I especially appreciated the instance of echoing in "departed with my heart."

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

This poem is full of amazing imagery. It's like I was watching a play in my mind's eye of what was happening as I read it.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The meter flows wonderfully smooth.

*Right*ERRORS:

None!

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I have none. I love it the way it is!

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"He gazed at me with saddened eyes,
As love be torn apart.
So he left, a noble deed,
But departed with my heart."

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This poem was breathtaking. I love the style, it reminds me of the poet Novalis. It's pretty much the same style that I write in, so I can fully appreciate all of the little archaic nuances of language and I totally understand the meaning! That was exciting! I loved the story in this too, it could totally be a novel or a TV series or something like that. Lots of juicy details, great twist of events. I absolutely loved this piece! Thanks for writing it and for making my day!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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13
13
Review of My Freedom  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi Lina Black-So Far Behind!!! Author Icon!

I found your portfolio because it's your account anniversary! It's my pleasure to send you a review in honor of your anniversary.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person and the tone is subdued, almost detached. The diction is excellent.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There's a reference to Freedom at the end of each line and it was interesting to see the reference change slightly from line to line, hoping to find my Freedom, paying to find my Freedom. Very interesting!

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

There are a lot of rich visuals in here.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The lines are long but flow with ease and rhythm in a soothing melodic way.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

No suggestions! It's great.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was an appealing poem for me because of its cryptic nature. I'm still not entirely sure what the Freedom is actually referring to, and that delights me! I love a riddle to solve. I love poems that make me think, analyze, read it again, read between the lines, think some more, and think about it still hours later when I'm not even logged in anymore. You've definitely accomplished that here! In my mind, the Freedom referenced could be a number of things, and that's the beauty of your writing, that the meaning isn't set in stone and the readers can adapt it to whatever they interpret it to mean. Excellent work! Thank you for a great read.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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14
14
Review of The Stars Above  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi Draga Author Icon!

I found your portfolio because it's your account anniversary! I saw this was a love poem from the description and decided to take a look. Glad I did!

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, always a good choice for a love poem as it gives a more personal flavor and insight into the speaker's thoughts. The tone is one of adoration and the diction is good.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

The rhyme scheme is AA BB CC AA. I like how the original rhyme from the first couplet looped back at the end to close out the final couplet in the same rhyme, that was a nice touch.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

There's lots of good imagery here!

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The meter flows well and there's some repetition of the words "you" and "your" but it fits the content well.

*Right*ERRORS:

None.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I have none!

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"You shine in my heart, like the stars above"
I like how this line was in the first stanza and then the last.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a heartwarming piece about a very strong and adoring love, full of admiration and appreciation. Something we all strive to feel, I believe! Happy Anniversary again and great work.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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15
15
Review of The Meadow  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hi Mindcrime Author Icon!

Happy Anniversary! I found this poem in your port and decided to check it out.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is reflective, pensive and a little bitter. The diction is perfect.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There's many rhyming couplets and then split couplets, which I liked.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks used enjambment at times which I thought was appropriate, and the meter was not uniform at all which I also felt added a certain charm!

*Right*ERRORS:

I only see the word "i" isn't capitalized when it should be. Some people do that as a stylistic tool to highlight the lack of confidence in the narrator/character, but here, every word that begins a new sentence is capitalized and punctuation is used appropriately so I'm going to take a leap of faith and say this was not done on purpose as a stylistic tool and so each pronoun "i" needs to be capitalized.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

There once was a place far away called truth
And somewhere along the way we took a detour.

Holy smokes! I love those lines!

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

There are so many messages and hidden meanings in this poem that I don't know where to begin. I'm bewildered and amazed all at once. I love it when I don't fully "get" a poem, because in my opinion, that's one thing poetry is supposed to do: to make people think. So this definitely has me thinking and I can't quite put this poem into any kind of well-defined box, and if that was your intention, then you succeeded, you evil genius! Great work and keep it up and I really enjoyed this read.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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16
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Review of In The Bag  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi Ruth Draves Author Icon!

Happy Anniversary! I found this in your portfolio and it didn't have any ratings so I wanted to be the first to give it a review. Lucky me!

*Woman**Man*Characters:

Doc, who I'm assuming is an ME or forensic pathologist or some other type of CSU lab specialist, and Detective Sanchez.

Plot:

Doc has found some new forensic evidence for a shooting case Sanchez is investigating, and we find out about a current case that has Sanchez's partner busy at the moment.

Setting:

In the lab.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is first person, from Doc's point of view. The storytelling is great and the diction is great as well.

*Thought*Dialogue:

The dialogue sounds natural and believable, but I only had one difficulty with it, and it's a technicality, really. The speaker tags after most dialogue lines were too long. A short and sweet tag would be "he said" or "he muttered" or "he asked", you get the idea. But many of these are like, "Sanchez called as he entered my office." Or "I asked as Sanchez pocketed his phone." The beauty of this story is that there's only two characters speaking, so you could really go line by line without any speaker tags at all, except for the first one, so that we know who started speaking in that sequence. It keeps up a good pace for the story when there's peppered dialogue between expository paragraphs. It's not bad here, don't get me wrong, not at all, but it could be cleaned up a little just for a little more ease of reading on the audience's part!

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning was a little slow to start. I knew where we were and who and what, but the juicy stuff didn't start right away. I like the juicy stuff to start right away. *Laugh* And then the ending was a little confusing. Doc tells him something that will help him close the serial shooter case, but the speaker tag says "I teased" so in my overthinking mind, I'm like, okay he teased so was he kidding? Does he not really have a clue for Sanchez? But then Sanchez says he'll take him to dinner so I'm like...? It's just the "I teased" speaker tag that threw me off completely.

Errors:

I only found one:

Your desk isn't pile as high --> Your desk isn't piled as high

Summary:

I really enjoyed your creative manner in putting those random words in this story! If you hadn't highlighted in bold the words shell, bag and scissors, which I know were the prompt, then I would've never known what the prompt was! The words fit into the plot so perfectly, they were seamless, save for the bolding of the words. You have a real talent and amazing vision if you can take those three random words and come up with this! I envy that gift. Great job!

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Hi Jeary Author Icon!

Happy Anniversary! I found this folder within your port and it sounded interesting. I only got to the middle of the third paragraph and stopped there. I didn't lose interest, per se, but it was a bit too textbookish in the beginning. Like an information overload.

However, the information you have about Medusa and the Ancient Greeks is really good stuff! If I may make a suggestion, I would turn the info you have in the beginning into fiction. Weave it into the story you already have. Maybe ask yourself is it absolutely necessary to put that info there, or can you start the chapter off with the fourth paragraph, "A young girl slowly reaches..."? Because in my biased opinion, when you just launch into the story without any backstory (yet!) and right in the middle of the action, THAT is what draws a reader in! That's what hooks them and holds them in a trance, reading and reading.

So when your story really gets going in the fourth paragraph, I personally would start the chapter at that point. The info in the first three paragraphs is good, really good, but I think it could be broken up in pieces and sprinkled throughout so it's not so overwhelming in the beginning. And turn that same info into fiction, meaning weave it in. Show us a flashback scene of Medusa being defeated, but do it like a storyteller and not a textbook on Greek mythology. Does that make sense? There's nothing wrong with textbooks, and the more info we writers have, the better! But in a story or novel, it wouldn't hurt to keep the narrative uniform. Fiction only; nonfiction only. You get my drift.

I did sneak ahead and read a bit after the point where I stopped and I know you have a great story here. Let it shine from the first sentence!

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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18
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Review of Transition  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi Lee S. Author Icon!

I happened upon your port because it's your account anniversary! I found this poem and chose it to read because of the description, and I made a good choice!

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is third person and the tone is observational. The diction is perfect.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

I love what you did here. Not only did the word count ascend and descend in a mirrored fashion, but so did the syllables! I know there's a name for this style but I can't think of it at the moment. So the word count per line goes 1, 2, 3, 2, 1 and then the syllable count goes 2, 3, 4, 3, 2. The word count and syllabic count create their own palindromes, but the actual words don't. But still, it's brilliant.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Boiling, punch, pillow, feathers.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

The only suggestion I might make is to not capitalize every word (or nearly every word). But it's a style thing.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

For such a short poem, this one says a lot. It's kind of like a reconstructed haiku in that there's a turning point, but it doesn't have to do with nature, rather it deals with human emotion, so it's like a reconstructed senryu/haiku hybrid *Laugh* But really, I definitely enjoyed the conclusion. I know I've personally been really angry about whatever and then something random will happen that I can't help but smile and laugh at, even though it's the last thing I want to do because I'm SO mad! But thus is life, right? If we can't laugh at ourselves especially, then we must be pretty miserable. This was an excellent poem and I'm glad I chose it from your portfolio to read!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi Lakin Author Icon!

I found your portfolio because it's your Anniversary! This poem had an interesting title and description so I thought I'd take a look.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is third person and the tone is scathing and bitter. The diction is excellent.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

The rhyming scheme is ABBA, etc. The words chosen to complete the rhymes are fantastic word choices. Like "lost" and "holocaust", really well done.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Light, hollow, amputee, eyes, blister, knee, street, wall, ball, café, corner, cousin, house, roof, people, child, and dying. Wow! So much imagery, and it's all diverse.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks are good and punctuation is used aptly. The meter follows iambic tetrameter.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I only have one, and this is really style more than anything. I used to capitalize the first word of every line but upon the suggestions of my peers, only capitalize it if it's a new sentence. So that's my only suggestion. Do what you like best.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

Snap the shot before it's lost
So someone sees the holocaust
Of one soul's dying innocence.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Your description says "The intimate madness of war" and I agree, but even more than that is all of the things of ordinary life that the people can no longer enjoy because it's all been destroyed by war. Life the café or the cousin's house. Even the poor soldiers now can't even walk properly because they're amputees so they no longer have full and complete limbs. This was a heartbreaking depiction of the aftermath of war, and the price everyone pays. Wonderful job. It left me feeling very sad, as it should.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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20
Review of Scorned  Open in new Window.
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Hi Just Jamie Author Icon!

I found this poem in your portfolio because it's your WDC Anniversary!

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person and the tone is somber, reflective, and hurt. The diction is excellent.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

I loved the rhyming scheme of AABBA, etc. Your rhymes were great and original, and employed many word combinations that I wouldn't have thought of to use, so very well done. I also appreciated the subtle alliteration throughout, such as "tender tears", etc. It's like music in a poem.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Heart, love, torn, tears, trails, cure, ails, and sleeve.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks are well done and logical, and there was a little repetition of certain words but it wasn't overdone. The meter varied greatly from stanza to stanza so it made the reading a little awkward.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I would take a look at the meter and a little rewording might have to be done. The first stanza had a great flow and uniform meter, but then the second stanza differed so much that it threw me off and it was hard to keep the rhythm that was established in the first stanza. I only put so much emphasis on meter because it's a rhyming poem as opposed to free verse, and the meter in the first stanza was so lovely that you kind of set the pace for the rest! *Laugh*

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

My tender tears follow their trails
Your love is the cure to my ails

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I couldn't tell if this was about unrequited love or about a relationship gone wrong. I like the fact that I don't know, however, because a little mystery in a poem never hurt anyone! If anything, it adds to its charm, allowing for multiple interpretations of your work. I can personally relate (as I'm sure many folks can also) to the unrequited love as well as the relationship gone wrong, so I fully identify with the feelings conveyed in this poem. Great work! I'm glad I chose this one to read *BigSmile*

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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21
21
Review of leafless  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Anne Mitch Author Icon!

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and wanted to take a look.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is third person and the tone is observational. The diction is fantastic.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

I love the alliteration in the beginning with "branches bare" and the consonance in "tries to sprout".

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Bare branches, winter, chemo, leaf, sprout, warmth, and cold. Lovely nature-themed imagery.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The lines are super short which forces the reader to pay closer attention to the content and meaning of each line, so well done on that score. There is no structured meter but there is still a good flow.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

The only thing I would suggest is maybe using a comma or semicolon, just to further aid in the transitions between ideas.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I like the lack of capitalization in the beginning of the poem, and then Winter is capitalized so it displays its importance. I also like the image that "cold snap" conjures in my mind's eye when I read that line. For such a short poem, there is a lot of meaning packed into it. Well done! It was a pleasure to read.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hi Katie-James Grace Author Icon!

I saw your story on the Noticing Newbies page and the description sounded interesting so I wanted to take a look.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

Clair, the narrator, and another character who was only mentioned named Loki.

Plot:

Clair is suffering from terrible nightmares about murdering Loki, who actually harmed her, and she's been suffering from the assault for the last two years, haunted by the memories and anxiety that follows.

Setting:

In Clair's bedroom.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is first person, Clair's, and the tone is suspenseful. The exposition is great and follows a stream of consciousness type of format.

*Thought*Dialogue:

There's only internal dialogue with Clair thinking to herself and talking to herself.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning sets up the suspense and tension right away, amazingly done. The ending is triumphant and positive and left me feeling satisfied for Clair.

Errors:

None found.

Suggestions:

I'm only a little confused at the part when she was saying "I almost killed him." Because I thought that she was only dreaming that she was going to kill him, but then from the way that was phrased, it sounded like it almost really happened, so that's where I was confused.

Summary:

This is a great short story with amazing tension and suspense from the start. I appreciated the varying line lengths and even sentence lengths. It's nice to mix it up like you did because it makes the reading easier. I really liked the injection of the positive quote at the end, which Clair found relevant to her current dilemma. It's definitely a quote we could all benefit from! Great job here.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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23
23
Review of I was a mouse.  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi Z-cat Author Icon!

I found your short story on the Noticing Newbies page about a week ago and read it a couple times. I was so captivated by it that I wanted to write a decent review when I had enough time to do so, and that's why I put it off until now.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

We begin with a mouse. I admit when I came to the end of the mouse's story, I was very sad! But something told me to keep reading and boy am I glad I did!

Plot:

This is a circle-of-life type of story, illustrating how the life energy of a mouse gets transferred to the cat who eats him, and then when the cat dies, how his energy (or soul) gets transferred to the soil, and so on. Genius!

Setting:

In nature.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is always first person and although the characters change from paragraph to paragraph, the transitions are so seamless and expertly developed that I was just left in awe after reading this a few times over. I wish I could write something as brilliant as this!

*Thought*Dialogue:

There is no dialogue because most of the characters are animals, except for the Earth's soil and the berry bush.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning pulled me in with "I was a mouse." My dad's nickname for me since I was 12 years old has been "Mouse" and so I've always loved the little rodent. The ending, so masterfully woven, really took us full circle and back to the mouse, after venturing through the brief lifespans of other creatures and plants and the Earth.

Errors:

None found.

Suggestions:

My only suggestion to you, my dear, is to keep writing precious gems of writing like this one!

Summary:

This is by FAR the best and my absolute hands-down favorite story I've ever read in my LIFE, not just here but out of anything I've read, published or not. It plucked at my heartstrings with the whole nature theme and having animals as the main characters was awesome. It really showed how life and death are neither good nor bad, they just are, they just exist, and death is just as natural as life, and with life comes death most inevitably, but the reverse is also true, that with death comes new life!

I also loved the narration of the mouse and the cat. The blind baby mouse was described so accurately that for a second I forgot I was reading a piece of fiction. You did an amazing job at putting yourself in the baby mouse's shoes (or paws I guess?) and then the cat's after that. In fact, each character, even the berry bush, had its own personality and understanding of the world and their place in the grand scheme. I can't say enough positive things about this story. The length was perfect; not too long and certainly not too short. I am so glad I found this story and I am going to send my dad a link to this page so he can read it, but I will make sure he knows I didn't write it! But I think he'd appreciate it just as much as I did.

I hope you enjoy your time here at WDC and I hope you get as much out of it as we all do, such as finding hidden treasures in stories like this one!

Thanks for sharing your talent, and please keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi TheWalkerInMe Author Icon!

I saw your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and you said you weren't a poet in the description so I had to take a look based on that alone! I'm so glad I did.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person and the tone is hurt, betrayed, bitter and a little indignant (and rightly so). The diction is excellent.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There's a lot of internal rhymes, which I like and appreciate because it's harder to pull off.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks are varied and line lengths vary also but I like it that way. It's visually appealing to have everything not so cookie-cutter perfect, but still retaining a sense of organization and balance. There is no standardized meter but there is a flow, a rhythm. The pronouns "you" and "me" are repeated but not to the point of being too much.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I have none. I think it's amazing the way it is!

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I'm so honored to tell you, my dear, that you are, in fact, a poet. Even if this was your first poem that you ever wrote, you have the gift. Yes, creative writing and especially poetry can be taught, studied, etc. but to have that creative spark, that vision, that talent that is often coveted by those who lack it, that can't be taught or learned. You either have it or you don't. YOU DO have it, I am pleased to say!

If you feel your skills aren't where they should be, then read. Read some more. Review and critique other writers' poetry. Read books on writing poetry for ideas, styles, methods, etc. Go to a writer's group or meetup to meet other writers. This can be a very lonely and isolating craft. But whatever you do, don't stop writing! Share your talent with the world. Keep up the great work.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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25
Review of Awful Or Awesome?  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi MeAndMyThoughts Author Icon!

I saw your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and I wanted to take a look.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person and the tone is playful. The diction is great.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

The second stanza has a rhyming scheme of AABB.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks are good, and whatever repetition there is doesn't stick out in a negative way.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I don't understand the line "For what a thought which I had." I don't grasp its meaning. I think I know what you're shooting for, but it doesn't make sense the way it's worded.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"Excess of anything is always bad"

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This is a great comparison of the words awful and awesome. They do phonetically both contain the "awe" sound but the spellings differ. I really like how you made it into a poem! That takes talent and I see you have it. Very well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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