Apollo, Hello Audra. This is an entertaining piece. I feel the aggravation in the voice of this piece. Therefore, this isn't for children. I also do not believe you intended it for adults. There isn't enough information for it to be scholarly.
My point is simply that I don't see an audience. Beyond that, like I said, this is an entertaining piece.
Hello my name is Apollo,
I don't get the poem fully. That, of course, is my flaw. Nothing against the poem, in that regard. I do wish your poem had more melody and flow. Please explain the poem's purpose so that I may better explain a review. Thanks, Apollo
I don't appreciate the condescension in the chosen phrases for your 'old man.' I liked the introduction. It was your voice. There are grammatical errors, but those are irrelevant. The reason the grammatical errors are irrelevant is because the whole story is in the voice of you impersonating an old man. If, for example, you hadn't used the first paragraph for actual mental depth and had just submitted the story, then I could analyze the story. In short, pick one and run with it. Also keep in mind everyone loves a good mind bender.
Hi, my name is Apollo. The story jumps right in. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Coming from someone with a mental illness this piece hits home and I liked that. Great ending. I saw a couple of quotations forgotten, in the beginning of paragraphs. Be careful to check that. Good job! Apollo
Hi, my name is Apollo. This is a very moving piece. I enjoyed the read, and find the themes powerful. I disagree with the religious preference, or lack there of, however, thats because I am a Christian. The story flows well and I only found a few grammatical flaws. For example, "Neither do I think any one religion is any better than any other." I might have written: 'Furthermore, I believe no religion is the only correct way.' Or in keeping more with what you wrote: 'Nor do I believe any one religion to be any better than any other.'
At any rate I give you three stars for writing quality. One extra star for inspiration. I think more writing should inspire. Finally, great of you to share this and thanks for taking my opinions for what they are: opinions.
Hi my pen name is Apollo. You did a good job. I would suggest that you take more time in the late/middle to add more credentials about your love, and/or abilities, involving science. Also, paragraph one: swap "have" and "not." I don't know what is going on with the various repeating characters (letters) but you obviously need to delete those. Also, try to add in things you may know about the school and then assure them that these things may be hard to handle but you will perceiver. Great ending to your letter.
I, Apollo, enjoyed reading this honest and thoughtful, and thought provoking piece. As a schizoaffective individual I can empathize. Furthermore, the title, "Project Me and what it's about" fits the writing well. If I had to pick on anything I might say that there were a couple grammatical errors. Nothing to worry about. Thanks for furthering the bipolar cause and humanizing us.
My pen name is Apollo. I really liked it, although I don't see the "sports" designation. Irrelevant. I am not sure if the origins are from combat or simply spiritual. Either way this is a good piece of writing. Clear message and God does save. As a Christian I think my beliefs are being portrayed less and less. I am not assuming you are Christian, just saying. Good writing, keep it up!
Hello I am Apollo! Great use of detail. Great description. Only comment of worth is that you may want present tense, adjusting 'was' to 'is' in the final line.
Hi my pen name is Apollo. Firstly, AWESOMESAUCE! I was skeptical at first but truly enjoyed the prose. I think you may have used the incorrect 'ware.' Also, some past tense was used and some present tense. Even with these imperfections, this piece is awesomesauce. Do not change a thing. 4.5
I like the content choice. The work was hard to get through, however, because of awkward sentence structure and word choices. Coming from someone who loves addressing the audience, I must also call you out on how you addressed your audience. It is usually better to show than tell. Even in a short story. The fact is that if you are going to say 'you' or 'we' or 'our' then follow that up with separation from the story that you are telling. What I am trying to say is before I had a grasp on your main character you were already referring to the writer and reader as 'our.' Furthermore, I do not know why you used the dash symbol. I suppose, overall, the message you are sending is that daily doldrums are not for people who are gifted. Am I right? I would change the message because any work is good that glorifies God, including customer service.
My pen name is Apollo Temple and I have to say that your piece has a positive vibe. Forgive the reflection, but your words have a beautiful aroma. This feeling gets lost, however, because the piece seems unfinished. Unless I am missing something, and with poetry I very well could be, I want the words to flow on.
Beyond that, the grammatical use of "wither" does not fit.
In conclusion, I love the brain game you are playing but wish it were longer, and perhaps more intricate, not necessarily more obvious though.
Nice and honest, I can tell this is from the heart. It feels like it should be written in paragraph form. Rather than a poem. I understand that most people who find a topic such as this, almost expect a poem. To reiterate I like that this was written, I don't like the poetic qualities. I feel like the poem is rough because the words may have come in order of occurrence to the the writer but shouldn't be finalized that way.
Let's look at the second stanza. This is two sentences separated into chucks so that it looks like a poem. I am genuinely trying to help. I am not being mean. Here I will do my best to restructure and reword some things to help better the poem.
Careless and young
Are often one
As we were
At the 'Hut'
We gathered as kids
Sure life was long
But very short lived
Mark would laugh, an asthmatic chuckle
If I could hear it, that would be a miracle
And so on... or this piece could be prose easy enough. You are getting the two stars for bold topic. Sorry about your loss brother.
Great work touching a subject that can easily be too 'gushy' or too primitively sexual. I honestly liked it, it took me back. I also learned a new work "paphian." No real criticism.
This work sounds like prose. Not a bad thing but it does. A poem doesn't need to rhyme but it should have rhythm. Also, I couldn't feel the emotions. Was it a sad longing from the distant relationship, or was it a joyous surrendering? I am not sure. Finally, to be picky, I am not certain why you described yourselves as a "creed." I understand it fits semantically but I just don't think it belongs. And the cliche "million miles away" doesn't fit with your unique design. Overall the poem could be one edit from really good, but now it is just okay.
Take my opinion as one man's opinion. Thanks, Apollo Temple
Love it! The poem is in good nature and has a good point. I also like its simplicity. The third stanza was a tad confusing. I am not sure if you meant that you didn't know "others were just having fun." I mention this because to me, that makes more sense with the point that you were becoming a snob. Either way good poem.
I commend your sticking with the theme. I like the format. I also appreciate the short sentences. I can feel the authors pain. Other than all of that I must admit I did not enjoy the read. If a poem is written, it is written to touch the reader in some way. Had I written a similar poem I might have added a little joy or hope that is then ripped away rather than jumping into the pain, fear, and evil. Take my advice with a grain of salt, and hopefully your poetry has evolved in the last three years.
You have presented the two sides opinions. The only important question not answered is what do YOU think. Are you pro-anything? Still, I see through what is written and believe you are in fact pro choice. That being the case your argument would be better received if you didn't begin the topic by bashing the opponent's position. Furthermore, if I am pro life and you bash what I believe in belligerently, how will you ever change my mind? I give you one star, grammatical errors aside your piece is hard to read but worthy of a full star by choosing a challenging topic.
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