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Review of The Awakening  Open in new Window.
Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Characters

>> From what sources are the characters drawn?
The main character, Brian, is either the author or a family member perhaps the father. Who knows the angst of discontent better than those who are witness to it or are living it?
>> What is the author's attitude toward his characters?
The characters lack of charm, their indifference and their almost hollowness lends a sad flavor to the story. The author is almost telling the reader to duck emotionally.
>> Are the characters flat or three dimensional?
When writing about human flaws, discontent or negative human emotions, it is important to still draw the reader into the story. Poor Brian is the focus of the plot yet he wasn't quite real to me. I know tangibles about this character, understand he is unhappy yet I don't feel one way or another about him or his place in the story. I don't like nor dislike him. I feel he needs work to become a three dimensional character. I want to 'see' Brian not only as he sees himself but in a way that I can actually judge him. Isn't that what we, the readers do while reading, after all, judge?
>> Does character development occur?
Brian comes into the story dissatisfied and at the story's ending is still there. This can be a great way to keep a reader wondering "what will happen next?", if indeed the ending slams it home to the reader.
>> Is character delineation direct or indirect?
The differences between the characters is distinct. The rest of Brian's family seem content with their place in the home, in the family dynamics and with their lives.

Theme

>>What is/are the major theme(s)?
The theme is "Poor Brian". It's a feel sorry for myself theme and one each of us are prone to in our own lives. This should make it a story we can all relate to.
>>How are they revealed and developed?
The author uses internal and external dialogue to promote the self-pity and self-absorbsion of his main character. Little actions, like his dropping his head into his hands, speak to the abject self-worthlessness his character displays as well.
>>Is the theme traditional and familiar, or new and original?
This is an old theme. The ever familiar "poor poor me" feeling that life is passing us by and we are quite unable to dictate any other course. As I stated, this should draw a reader in and with more thought and in-depth examining of the main character and his supporting cast, I do believe it could be an old theme with new highlights.
>>Is the theme didactic, psychological, social, entertaining, escapist, etc. in purpose or intent?
The purpose of the theme is almost a self-awareness one. If this author is writing about his life, or if it is a husband or father being written about, the psychological intent is there.

Plot

>>How are the various elements of plot (eg, introduction, suspense, climax, conclusion) handled?
Plot is a bit thin. As all writers know, a short story has to be succinct and each word must be carefully thought out. There is no suspense per se. The dream sequence is the same flavor as the waking scenes. There is lack of wondering what will the main character do, even in his dream. I can see that the writer wanted his conclusion to be an emotional shock, and I believe it would have been if the story had more depth to it.

Style

>>What are the "intellectual qualities" of the writing (e.g., simplicity, clarity)?
The one major aspect of the short that I immediately noticed was that the author is a non-American. I would guess British as the phrases used indicate such. The piece is not about the intellect but rather emotional.
>>What are the "emotional qualities" of the writing (e.g., humor, wit, satire)?
When self-pity and self-loathing are being displayed in writing, it is difficult to bring any upbeat to the piece. This is normal and expected.
>>How effective is dialogue?
The dialogue employed was real. It was easy to imagine the conversations happening in real life scenes.


CONCLUSION

I see a worthy attempt to write about a common condition. It is a psychological stance many take today and actually have taken as long as humans stood upright. The importance of making it stand out is vital. It has the basics in place but now the author needs to take a step back and decide - how can I make it new and vibrant for my reading audience. This can be done I believe and I look forward to reading the final results of a re-write. Keep writing!

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Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I. Show us your main character(s), or at least foreshadow them
A father and son sharing a common goal - or goalie as it were - happens to be this stories major them. The main character, the father, is going through the agony of loving a child, trying to help that child and this author does it with the use of humor. The reader can see the two of them having the stilted conversation leading up to the conflict - to be or not to be a goalie.

II. Establish the setting--where and when the story takes place.
The setting stands back in this piece, as it should. The entire writing is focused on father and son. Throw just a normal mom comment in there as well and that is all the setting needed.

III. Establish the area of conflict.
All parents know the agony of having their child in harm's way. Being goalie is to this father the enemy, as well as those kids on the opposite team "be on steroids". The father has done all he can to assist his son in this conflict. The hours of practice, setting up "very own Soccer net and gloves to try to simulate game day conditions" and the care for the son comes through in the writing.


IV. Foreshadow the ending.
The ending is known from the child's statement that he has to be the goalie at the next soccer game. How will father and son survive this game though, that is the question. The author takes humor to wrap the story in and just enough emotion to allow the reader to feel an empathy for what he is going through.

V. Set the tone of the story: solemn or excited, humorous or tragic.
The crisp, short sentences in the dialogue set the pace. Humor needs to be set to a faster clip than a drama and the writer does this well.

Conclusions:
This was a fun read and I enjoyed the originality or phrases used, the familiarity of trying to pump a child for information, and the parental dilemma presented. There is some polishing work that can be done and I've listed those below.

*********************************************************


1. Any dialogue used needs to be separated into it's own paragraph.

2. Spelling errors:
- "yesturday" = yesterday
- "medalist" = medallist
- "approcahing" = approaching

3. Sentence restructure suggested:
"The usual stuff hey.The private investigator in me seemed to think that this was a benign enough sort of answer."

My suggestion is if you want to make a title out of the string of words then put them in quotes and capitalize each or or the first word with dashes between the others.

Congratulations, and thank you for an enjoyable read.

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Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of "What's up with that last piece of pizza?" Open in new Window.
by SydneyWriter

I. Stimulating Idea(s):
Effective writing presents interesting information about a specific subject. It has a clear message or purpose. The ideas are thoroughly developed and will hold the reader's attention.
That last slice of pizza - ah yes - all of us as "grown-ups" have truly experienced this. The topic choice is a well known conundrum. The humor behind the idea was wonderfully written.

II. Logical Organization:
In terms of basic structure, good writing has a clearly developed beginning, middle, and ending.
The writer begins by chiding his audience to be honest about this troubling etiquette. Then he progresses into his story exemplifying what he means. Wrapping it up is clearly a dog's job. Organization was wonderful.

III. Engaging Voice:
In the best writing, you can hear the writer's voice (his or her special way of expressing ideas and emotions). Voice gives writing personality, it shows that the writer sincerely cares about his or her subject and audience.
The writer got it. The voice used involved the reader and made them remember their own episodes of similar occurrences.


IV. Original Word Choice:
Good writing contains good words. Nouns and verbs are specific; modifiers are colorful; and the overall level of language helps communicate a particular message or tone.
"managed to charter our way through the evening" -- New and refreshing phrase to indicate a journey of guests.
"this lonely and vulnerable triangular piece of pastry" -- Now you have the reader feeling sorry for this poor pizza! Humor well done again.


VI. Correct, Accurate Copy:
Good writing follows the basic standards of punctuation, mechanics, usage, and spelling. It should be edited with care to ensure that the work is accurate and easy to follow.

phenomenom === phenomenon
certain, === no comma needed
And then === consider starting the sentence with 'Then'
Finally,frustrated === space is missing between the words


Conclusion: I liked the piece. It had humor, flowed well, and was overall a good read! Well done.

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Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Review of Around the World in 60 seconds by Nikita

This article begins with a quote, but the reader is left hanging on that quote - who said it? It helps to baby your reader along, let them in on who is saying what! It's a great quote by the way.

The writer uses picturesque phrases that are excellant however there is some confusion on the use of several of them:

- "give our minds that food for thought which is hard to digest"
         Why is hard to digest? The line is good, just explain the why's

- "I had the entire blanket of stars and the whole universe to achieve..."
         To achieve what though? You left us dangling again here and the imagery you were using is so strong.

-"The gray matter that functions day and night can get the better of us if we learn to pay heed to our hidden talents."
         I am fairly certain you mean if we do NOT pay heed to our hidden talents.

There is grammatical polishing that needs doing, punctuation requires looking over - but all in all - this was a wonderful article and deserves respect.

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Review of Pain  Open in new Window.
Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I. In the opening...
Show us your main character(s), or at least foreshadow them

Hanna, the main character is introduced immediately. The reader knows the piece will be about her from the writing. While this is an excellant for an opening scene, the writer doesn't allow an insight to this main character until further into the writing itself.

II. Establish the setting--where and when the story takes place.

The setting is established inside Hanna's home. She faces her conflict there. The setting holds no interest to the story line itself as it is a short story and details are not necessary.

III. Establish the area of conflict.

The conflict, as stated above, is one of a mental and emotional struggle Hanna goes through. The writer shows what caused it, but fails to resolve it in any way for the reader. Hence we are left wondering how does Hanna survive the abuse? Will she accept this treatment or not? The end hints that she is in complete denial.

IV. Foreshadow the ending.

The ending is left rather wide open. Hanna decides to just go on with her life as if nothing had happened, not to her and not to her child.

V. Set the tone of the story: solemn or excited, humorous or tragic.

The action scenes were well written. Crisp and clear they yelled the abuse that was going on. The surrounding parts of the story were lagging a bit.


*Down**Star**Down**Down**Star**Down**Down**Star**Down*


Conclusions:
This is a very emotional subject the writer has picked and while for the most part it is well written, I believe if it were not so short, the writer could do more with the character development, conflict resolution and make the ending more enticing. Overall this is a good read.

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Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Yes, and again yes. If it's up on the public page - review it. The writer who isn't ready for an "opinion" should not have put it up.

Your honesty is refreshing and so is the piece. What I mostly enjoyed was the fact that you put it up for review. Why not? You will give the rest a chance to read, recognize themselves and perhaps re-think what they post.

The worst that can happen will be a disgruntled, under-educated person giving you a 1.0. Somehow I don't think this will matter much to you.

Good job!

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Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review of:The Case of Ms. Gardiner by phyduex Author Icon


Plot
This short piece explains immediately where the reader is. The courtroom, judge and the oath - we are in the midst of a trial. Well done because it is flash fiction and only 300 words it is required to get your reader involved immediately.


Pacing
Using dialogue, both broken up and interrupted, was well thought out. It makes the piece as choppy as a wild ocean scene and sets the fast pace needed.


Setting
The courtroom doesn't need to be shown anymore than it was. The reader knows where they are.



Characterization
There is no in-depth character analysis done but the sense of helplessness and interrogation tactics used by the district attorney gives the characters life.


Dialogue
This is the strong part of the piece. Dialogue, never easy to do, was well done. Just the right amount of ramble, rhetoric and quick paced.


CONCLUSIONS
A well written 300 word work. Enjoyed the ending immensely as you set the reader up for a huge "HUH?" moment.

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Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I. In the opening...
Show us your main character(s), or at least foreshadow them

You introduce your reader to your main character by showing her emotional state. This comes through clearly, succinctly and entices the reader to continue reading.

II. Establish the setting--where and when the story takes place.

Holding to that emotional tone, you place the entire story in a house which in the beginning is filled with grief.
         "..making it as dark as possible.." The reader knows this is not a happy home anymore. You have done a wonderful job portraying this, yet perhaps more could have been said about the home and how it changed after her husband's death. This setting was part of their past and it would be nice to see what had happened with it as well.

III. Establish the area of conflict.

Emotional balance is the conflict in this piece. The main character, Rosie, is an a state of almost frozen animation. Grief does that, as most of us know. The writing enhances and shows the reader this is indeed the case.

IV. Foreshadow the ending.

The ending was surprising in a way, as it could have gone into worse than the severe depression Rose was suffering or she could have found healing in any number of ways. But the reader wants to know what happens to her and this is vital to any writing.

V. Set the tone of the story: solemn or excited, humorous or tragic.

The tone is as befitting, somber. Sadness is etched into each paragraph. The portrayal is there. Congratulations!

VI.Tell your story in scenes, not in exposition. A scene contains a purpose, an obstacle or conflict, and a resolution that tells us something new about the characters and their circumstances.

The scenes were well written but could use some help from the writer. There could be more defined breaks in the scenes themselves. When Rose has a distinct memory, it lasts but a short time and then is again interjected with the sorrow she is suffering. To highlight her grief it may help if you give a clearer picture of her in a non-grieving state.

VII. Develop your characters through action and dialogue.

The writer did this extremely well. The physical characteristics were not needed for the main character, and does give a glimpse of what Rose's husband was like.

VIII. Include all the elements you need for your conclusion.

To reach the conclusion the writer escalated the sorrow, the impossible grieving. This has to be done with finesse or it just looks like a tidal wave of words in which the emotional impact is gone.

IX. Give your characters adequate motivation for their actions and words.

The phones were the symbol of the main characters almost undoing and yet were her salvation as well. The scenes of the memories as well as Rose's destruction of so many of these instruments was written to pull a reader in to her world.

X. Make solutions of the problems appropriate to the characters

Rose found her solution to a ringing phone but it was the final call that wrapped the story line up. Appropriate - up to the fact that the answering machine didn't pick up - I found that strange and unexplained. Perhaps the tape was full?

*Down**Star**Down**Down**Star**Down**Down**Star**Down*


Conclusions: Over all this was a really excellent read. I enjoyed myself to the end. My recommendations to this author are as follow:

1. After you port your writing into a "Static" item, be sure to edit your work. What can happen is all spacing between paragraphs will be removed. This pushes the entire piece together, and tracking while reading can be difficult.

2. The dialogue needs to be in it's own paragraphs as well.

That's it! That's all I can recommend on this piece. I will ask others I know who do excellant reviews - to read this and write their conclusions. Congratulations on this piece and please - KEEP WRITING!

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Review of Willard Wanted In  Open in new Window.
Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I. Plot
         Is there a clear, believable main plot
This story about an elderly lady, alone except for her cat evokes empathy. We are all aware that in today's society the old are not acceptable to "main stream" Young America. The writer doesn't state this but in the story you have a sense that this woman was abandoned.

          Do the subplots advance the story
There are several subplots going on in this short piece, perhaps too many for the length of the piece itself. There is the nursing home, which it is assumed is the main plot, the memories of the elderly lady and her husband, the cat, and the elderly lady's interaction with another resident. All these are very interesting but since the piece is so short, detracts from the main characters position in the story.


II. Pacing

          Does the plot move fast enough to grab the reader's attention?
Like a sleepy summer day, the story paces itself to the rhythm of the elderly lady. However this pace seems out of place when the husband is introduced to the story line.



III. Setting

          Does the description of the setting transport you into the fictional world between the pages?
The retirement center is described in general terms except for this passage:

"The room itself was large, high ceilings which seemed several stories high compared to the cramped quarters where Willard and she resided. The staff of Golden September kept the walls a clean eggshell color. The curtains were faded gold tapestry. June thought there might have been flowers embroidered into the fabric at one time, but the thick coats of dust had dulled the color into a cloudy hue."

The description allows the reader a true glimpse into what the woman saw as she sat down to eat her breakfast. It is very well written.


IV. Characterization

          Are the characters 'real'?
What we find out about the main character gives her a reality, however if more could be included in the story about this lady, the reader would have a clearer picture of just who this woman is, was and will become. This is vital to the ending.



V. Dialogue

          Does the dialogue match the time frame?
The writer stays within the scope of the time period it is written in. This consistency keeps a reader from disbelieving in the character(s).

          Is the dialogue punctuated correctly?
Except for spacing between paragraphs, there is no mis-punctuated dialogues. The spacing is vital though, as all dialogue needs to be separated so a reader can see who is talking and what it is they are talking about.


VI. Point of View

          Did the short story stay in one character's point of view?

I really liked this story and it took me a while to put my finger on what was bothering me about it. This story has at least two POV's in it and due to that, I kept wandering in and out of the story while I read. The first POV was from the cat the next was omnipotent and the third was the elderly lady's point of view. KISS theory works in writing as well as in science. Keep it simple. Stick to one point of view throughout a short piece - it adds clarity, cohesiveness and enhances the readers ability to track and enjoy the story.

If you begin your story in first person (I walked through the valley.), or third person (he watched him walk through the valley) it should not meander through several different POV's.



CONCLUSIONS
A story should grab the reader's from the very first paragraph. Not all stories need to be spine-tinglers, which have you clutching the pages with a white-knuckled death grip. But they all should have some forward momentum, moving the reader through the story to find out what happens next.

This is a very good story and was well worth the time to read it. With work, it will be so much better. I thank you for the read, and will look forward to the story's second coming-out.

Please remember - KEEP ON WRITING!

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Review of The Stranger  Open in new Window.
Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Introduction to the Review:
Hey there partyjunky
Actually my philosophy is pretty simple. Make me laugh or make me cry - then you have me hooked. Well, after reading this I did get a bit teary-eyed. In my estimation, if a writer cannot evoke any emotions from his readers, he should take a hard look at his writings. You did well in getting my empathy with this piece. Now for the review part.


PLOT

Beginning: This is where at least one main character is introduced, along with the setting.
You have girl as the main character but your sub-character or secondary character is her father. It is evident by your opening that the girl is not a big fan of this man. We don't know, and really never do know, much about the girl, except for her theory on the attitude of her father toward her. I don't think physical descriptions matter in a writing such as this.

Middle: This is where most of the stuff happens
Due to the shortness of the piece, we can actually wrap the Middle right up with the Climax. The thoughts the girls has, her despair over her grandmother, and her antipathy toward her father are made evident to the reader. The reader has a clear picture of the girl's emotional state and her mental state. Again, the physical description is probably not needed. The writer however, does touch upon the sister who is "favored". It might be worth the writer's time to expound upon the sister. This would give a clearer picture and comparison to the reader.

Climax: The climax should be the most exciting part of the story.
The climax is the father finally realizing his daughter's worth. His fumbling attempt at comfort is clearly his statement of love for her, despite what the girl had thought. Nicely done.

End: The end is where everything winds down, where loose ends are wrapped up, hugs are given and received, and bad jokes are made.
Actually this is, in my opinion, the weakest link on the story chain. The finale is just dropped in our laps and the story is over. It would have been nice to have a bit more - perhaps a look into the girl's future, and see if or how the relationship between father and daughter grows. Perhaps it doesn't grow - the reader would like that information too!

~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~~!~!~!~!~CONCLUSIONS~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~~!~!~!~!~

The biggest recommendation I can make is spacing, fill in the empty characters you just touch on (mother included) and buff up that ending.

Email me please when you do the re-write! I would love to see it. Thank you very much - and as they say in WDC - KEEP ON WRITING.

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Anyea Author Icon
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Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
How does one go about reviewing, using normal tools, a piece such as this? It can't be done. I've tried. So, let me just do a global review.

This idea you used for your piece is hilarious. I found myself interpreting all the infationary words and would go back and read it outloud using the new version.

The human mind just is not capable of going with the flow sometimes. The piece is funny but here's a question - did you actually go to the theatre? Did you go to that restaurant? Did you meet Sally, play tennis and is there more to come?

Thanks - this was a good read! Don't stop now please.
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Review of Ode to Coffee ...  Open in new Window.
Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is a great ode and needs to be put on national radio, television and news. It's as brisk as the beverage it honors and keeps the reader perked up.

You have done a great job portraying both the need for and the final enjoyment of this life giving essence. The understanding your poem depicts shows that the writer is a coffee fan who bows to the Higher Bean of Caffine.

Wonderful writing job - have another cuppo-joe and keep on writing.
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Review of Bleeding Through  Open in new Window.
Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
REVIEW OF: Bleeding Through written by FarAwayEyes

I. In the opening...
Show the main character(s)

The author introduces the main character in the opening paragraph. The sense of sorrow is well described.

II. Establish the setting--where and when the story takes place.

The setting is the home of two people suffering their loss at first encased in their own pain, but eventually coming together. The setting in the garden encapsulates the reader in a cold bleakness which is appropriate for the story.

III. Establish the area of conflict.

The conflict in this story is one of emotion and loss. These are extremely well thought out and presented to the reader so that the reader may experience these as well.


IV. Foreshadow the ending.

There are always two possible endings in a story of this type of loss. Positive, with the hope of healing or negative, where the loss destroys lives. The writer shows the reader the two possibilities and gives the hope first place in the scene in the garden between the husband and wife. Well done, nice job!

V. Set the tone of the story: solemn or excited, humorous or tragic.


This tragic loss is symbolized throughout the piece. Each of the characters suffering in their own way. From the music the husband plays to the scene in the garden the loss is amplified.


VI. Wrap it Up - Ending

The ending is one of hope and healing and possibilities of a couple finding strength in each other. It was led up to at a pace fitting for the tragic story line and finalized with the husbands last sentence to his wife, “Only if you promise to leave them in the ground where they belong, Kat.”


*Down**Star**Down**Down**Star**Down**Down**Star**Down*


Conclusions:

I enjoyed this piece however I do believe there are sections which can be strengthened by the author.

After the following paragraph, the husband's emotional dilemma is never really addressed:

Kathy flinched away from him, blood dotting the snow. She shouted, “Like you care! As if you give a damn! You haven't come out of that damn room all week. That stupid piano obviously means a lot more to you than I do.”

Since he is a major character to this story, the writer may want to put something in this area to show some of what he has been thinking and going through as well. While you do explain some of his feelings later on, this would also be a great spot to put in something.

You don't actually explain why the husband states: “Damn it, Kat. I already told you, don't blame yourself.” Mike hugged her closer to his chest. “It's not your fault, it's mine and we both know it. I don't ever want to hear you blame yourself again.”

I cannot figure out why he feels it is his fault. Some explanation here would be excellent!

Thank you for sharing this piece and I do believe you do not have to put in a disclaimer at the beginning of it.

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Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Normally I can use reviewing templates to lay out a review I do. This time I can't There is only one character, the plot is her life, the point of view is right there for the reader to experience. So, how do I review this piece? I decided to do free-form.

This story of actual suffering, begins with a journal entry the author had written ten years earlier. There may be sentence which could be restructured, phrases could be cut, but I hesitate to recommend anything being done to this section. It is what it is.

The author uses this journal entry, the "guts" of her writing, to introduce the reader to - the Wall. She uses every description available, allowing her reader a clear understanding of where she was. She takes them into the horror she has experienced and still faces, with courage, each day. She allows them to glimpse total misery, total despair.

In the next section she reflects back on that woman who once was and shows how much love she has for her, both then, and now. This is the section I would wish to address in the review as it is the purpose of the piece. For what other reason would she ask this to be read, than to spread it out into the world to help those who feel helpless?

Since I really believe this piece has value to the world, I am going to make some recommendations to this writer.

"The rawness of what I felt still reverberates within, and stirs the same intense emotions that I can feel welling from the very bottomness of that which I call me." This sentence can easily be condensed. I know what you want to say, however, that very last phrase, "bottomness of that which I call me" weakens in a way the core of what you want to say.

"which was to become as much a part of my life as my heart beating and my lungs breathing," I really like the punch in this sentence except I think you could cut the "lungs breathing" as it makes the sentence shorter, and in no way would you lose your reader's interest.

" What has happened is in no way intentional, perhaps you have experienced an unexpected bump on your road, and you feel that as hard as you try, you are unable to grab hold of the reins and direct your path at the moment." I know it seems a small thing, but try ending the first sentence after "on your road". Then look at the rest and see if you can't help that be clearer or maybe eliminated completely.

"And, that this derailment is causing hurt among those who you are most close to and love." The strongest sentence structure, it is said, is one where it is Subject then Verb. This sentence needs to be rewritten to that rule as it will only make it stronger.

"I would not give any of it up for no amount of money offered." This sentence doesn't add to this paragraph, and this is a strong paragraph. Eliminate it, read it out loud and see what you think.

The last two paragraphs of this piece is your way of offering advice to those in similar situations. You have lived it, survived it, and you have a need, a right, and a responsibility to go further with this advise than you did. If you are going to publish this piece, and I urge you to, then please write these last 2 paragraphs out to the fullness they deserve.

It is my wish some day to see this authors work in print for the public to absorb. My personal thank you goes out to her, and I wish her only the best. She has gone far, and undoubtedly will go even further with her life and her writings.
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Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
No review this. Merely a thank you for all the men and women in our armed forces. They suffer away from this country and we spare them no thoughts - unless they are a relation. They die and are only remembered by those who knew them. They serve, us, all of us - our freedoms, our pleasures, our three-day weekends. Thank you for all of them and for my son who is one of the many serving. Thank you.
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Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I want to preface this review by telling the author - DO NOT PANIC. The review is long, yes, but this is a good thing. Usually my reviews are long. Next I wanted you to know that writing for only yourself is easy. Writing and putting it out there, is seriously difficult.

Character:

From what sources are the characters drawn?
You have 1 main character w/ one supporting character -
From the way you write this short story it feels
as if you know them personally. This is good, as
it lends credence to your readers and their ability
to identify with the characters.

What is the author's attitude toward her characters?
You really like the main character and treat her
gently - almost too much so. I know she is experiencing
distress throughout most of the story, however, I don't
really get to know the woman behind the distress.
You light on a few personal peeks into the main character
when you write about her building a college.
Give your reader more information and bring this woman to life!

Are the characters flat or three dimensional?
Since you dwelt mainly on 1 character (which is too bad
because I'd like to know more about her husband and her mother!
You placed most of your effort into her.

As much as I wanted to sympathize with this woman's plight, you
left me hanging. The emotional connection to your main character
is missing. This, I believe is due to lack of character
development.

Does character development occur?
No real development occurs because you short-change your
character. By this I mean, she gets laid off, feels bad, moves on,
the end. Your reader wants to know more, needs to know more to
empathize with her.

Character delineation [a graphic description] direct or indirect:
You never painted this picture at all. Don't be shy! Let your
reader know how she looks, talks, walks, not just how she feels.

Theme:
The major theme
A woman loses her job and finds new beginnings.

The theme is familiar. It's purpose and or intent are traditional
and familiar I believe you could let this piece become even more so
as well.
I bet you have the ability to write humor with this
story, as there are sections which I kept waiting for a "punch"
line,and you didn't deliver. The one instance is where her mother
brings over a plant from her grandmother. Somewhere in that
section I had this hunch there was something funny (ha-ha kind)
going on in the main character's brain, but I was never let us in
on it! If the main character & her mother have this strange/normal
mother daughter relationship, play on that, bring it out and show
us, your reader's that relationship. It doesn't have to be deep,
dark or depressing - you can use humor!

Grammer Errors found:
"Or why anyone in those situations would want Jane there, for that matter." This is a fragmented sentence. It will need re-work.

"But how would they?" Iffy situation starting a sentence with the dreaded proposition!

"Her friends, oh her friends at the hospital!" You know this isn't a real sentence right? I knew you did!

"It was the work experience that pulled them together into a team, nothing else." Too many words here. Start the sentence with "The work..." Seriously you will have a much stronger piece if you watch the wordiness.

"She struggled to get dressed: did she even have any ‘at home’ clothes?" There's a mischievous colon hidden in this sentence. Can you find it?

"Before he left for work he had moved the things from her office out of the way and into the spare bedroom." You missed a coma here but read it out loud and you'll find it easily.

"...window sill had been neglected too long: two extra crowns were forming in it." First 'windowsill' is one word and you keep using that colon!

"She thought about the frogs statues as she worked: a little girl lying on her stomach reading a library book; a lady in a red dress, her arms stacked with gift boxes; a barber, standing proudly behind his barber pole." This puppy needs help from you! It's too long, fuzzy, and I had no idea what the girl, a lady in a red dress, a barber had to do with anything. Clarification please and shorten.

"I don't want to do this, she shouted and got up from the chair. It isn’t fair!" Where are the quote marks here? She is saying something right?

“The first statue commissioned by our city to commemorate our fine frog ancestors is the one in front of the library. It was erected to honor Lulu Hopper, the first frog in Muddy-Frogwater to learn to read. - now here you put quote marks in the beginning but at the very end there aren't any. I am not sure you want quotes. Perhaps, to set off the story she is writing from the one YOU are, put it in italics? Just a thought.

"The day past, and the next." The day past what? Did you mean the day went past?


"Mother!" she exclaimed. "How did you do this?" She felt confused. Then, remembering the story she had printed out the other day, the same day Phyl had taken the plant to her study, she felt annoyed.' This section confused me. Your character may have been confused but she didn't remain confused right? Clarification points needed.

"By the time she reached the house, she could feel a little sunshine coming out inside her." Do you mean 'coming ON' inside her?

Strengths and Weaknesses: Your story line is wonderful. You handle dialog very well. I like the way you portray the flowers and the frog statues! The frog statue part made me giggle a bit. The weakness is wordiness or not enough description - sounds contradictory doesn't it? Here's the bottom line though - you have a good idea for a story.

You have the foundation for it, now you just need to paint the walls and put on a roof!

Try reading this out loud, first to yourself, then out loud to others.
Try reading it from the ending up. Seriously, this will re-focus your attention from you know follows to the way the flow works, where the structure is and what is missing.


*Smile* *Smile* *Smile* *Smile* *Smile* *Smile* *Smile* *Smile* *Smile* *Smile* *Smile* *Smile* *Smile* *Smile*

*Flower6* Lady just keep writing and you can only improve! *Flower6*
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17
Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Reviewing your piece:

First let me begin by stating that everyone is allowed an opinion. That poverty bothers you is a good sign. It says your soul is awake.

**Content**
Your emotions come through loud and clear in this piece. You make some huge assumptions however. There are actually people using the Internet who had to work at where they are today - you seem to discount them. You shouldn't.

If you would tell your reader about meeting just one of these people trying to survive, it would bring to your piece a sense of humanity and further the understanding you are attempting to solicit.

**Structure**
Using bold font to accent the words you want focus on is a good method just don't over do it.

**Style**
You use an informal approach to your piece. Since you feel strongly about the subject it was a good choice.

**Conclusion**
Since I at one time was one of those you described as: "a family...living in the most poorest conditions that we can't imagine." (by the by 'most poorest' you could change that to "very poor") I know what poor feels like, smells like and lives like - but what you do not seem to understand is that it isn't poverty that is horrible - it's the despair it generates. Thank you for caring enough to write the piece. My advice to you is re-write it and see if you can't get it published. Good luck and may poverty of the spirit never strike you or your loved ones down.
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Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of your piece:


The Highway Incident


And, it is the strangers that cut you off on the highway, telemarket during your dinner, mow their lawns at 4:30am and do all of the most annoying things.

Confusion here - where's the 2nd half of the thought? 'and do all of the most annoying things (what? what what what?)


I balled like a baby=(bawled)


...use some unsavory finger communication.. *Bigsmile* great phrase!



Holding the Door, Small Action, Big Gesture

We all know the three-step rule, (whether consciously or not.)
**too funny you are! I had no idea there was such a rule!

Short but good. I like the way you let your reader know what you saw, felt, and did. Efficient is a great motivator for readers - it is! Readers want their "instant gratification" and with this snipet you give just that.

---------------------------
The Heavy Paint Buckets

Another short yet sweet piece. You've had some wonderful interchanges with humans.

---------------------------
The Phone Bill from Hell
I did that job for a while - customer service - and for some reason this was the only section I did not connect with. For a number of reasons I don't want to burst your bubble but if you went away feeling good about the call I say GREAT!*Smile*



Overall: the first story brought tears to MY eyes *Cry* . You did good at telling it, just need some touch-ups.
Add more spacing for impact and ease of reading but these stories and your conclusions were awesome. Congrats!
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Review of Dust Bunny  Open in new Window.
Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Flower3* *Flower4* *Balloon4* *Balloon5*

I liked this poem
it was cute as could be
I know if I was a Dust Bunny
I'd be a little more wary.
Of puppies, and people who step on
me most -
But in my own home Dust Bunny could boast -
Live long and prosper Dust Bunnies all
For this home's a disaster -
Just prime for the Dust Bunnies Ball!

In short let me say that your poem was such fun
that I went out and made one myself
and now it's done.
*Flower3* *Flower4* *Balloon4* *Balloon5*
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20
Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Okay I loved this! It's something I do all the time and finally someone else does it. I am proud of you. You probably won't get alot of people who understand this piece what with "inanimate" objects talking, but I get it. I drive friends and family nuts talking to non-living things. It's fun and in your life you need this silliness! Please do not dispair over all else for the child in you is alive. Watch out for that stupid oven door though - he can be wicked!
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Review by Anyea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
You folks, who write all the helpful hints to us incoming writers deserve a special award. Bigger than a 17" monitor could show. Always - I mean ALWAYS - there are explanations, links, gentle hints, not so gentle hints and humor. Keep it up and please keep us posted! Thank you.
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