It’s striking and haunting. What a dreadful situation.
There seem to be a lot of backstory here and a lot of story to come before and after this piece. Because of this I felt a bit of confusion with the character opening the door (Kat) and then the girl who just walked in (Jelena / Yell). It felt more like a lovers quarrel than a sibling relationship.
Maybe a little bit more in introductions will solve this lack of clarity.
I would also like a bit of an idea the age either difference of current age of for instance Jelena. Reference to class and school is a bit ambiguous.
In my opinion the physical abuse Kat experienced, could be communicated more deliberate. I assumed she was just rebelious or stubborn. The bad relationship with her dad was because of the abuse? Or was the abuse because of the bad relationship? It’s a bit confusing but I suppose exactly the puzzle a victim of abuse sits with. As the reader, I’m not part of the puzzle. I want to care about the character and confusion will discourage me from caring.
This is an intense piece. Truly really great. I little bit less puzzle and a bit more clarity will make this gripping.
You have me gripped. I've read none of the previous chapters or the following chapters. But I am curious about so many things in this story.
The interaction between these two characters feels as uncomfortable and stiff as the case they are investigating, yet there is a feeling of safety and trust between the two of them which convinces me that they care quite a bit about each other and the story.
I mentioned that I've not read any of the other chapters, but from this chapter I received answers to questions which I am sure must be burning in the readers that followed this story from the beginning. I do believe however that all the answers are not revealed yet.
I like the fact that you give just enough information about the surroundings of the characters to make the reader aware of the change of scenery. You are not describing everything around them to the death.
The plot seems to be simple but I suspect you have a few plots interwoven in this story. For me to understand that, I'll have to read the whole book.
From the short bullet like lines, I felt the observer's frustration as well as the subjects.
You created in me the curiosity that the observer felt by drawing the picture of Mary. I felt her frustration and her anger. I even felt her insanity.
I wondered about the time span that the observer studied Mary from a distance and you answered it in a way with the words
'What Mary has been doing
Has gone on for years'
but then I also thought that the length of the poem would be a great indication of the time spend by the observer in studying Mary.
I never thought Mary might not know that she is Mary. That was a great surprise and made me read it again. Just to make sure that the depth of Mary's mental problem was not relayed previously.
Well done. I enjoyed this poem. Thank you for sharing it
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