I enjoyed reading this poem...very short, but it conveys the first few moments of desire between a man and a woman, when time seems to stand still and all there is in the world is this one moment. I enjoyed my read! I particularly liked the line "hold my breath, sip the light"...I had to read it a few times to really understand the meaning (I'm slow sometimes! LOL!).
This is a beautiful poem! All my senses are engaged as I read this...I can smell the wood smoke, feel the chill in the air and hear those scraping leaves on the pavement as I read your piece here. You have a gift for description. This poem flows well. I think you have captured the essence of autumn precisely!
I think this is an excellent piece! I easily followed along as you described so exactly what your mind's eye was picturing as you wrote this.
This line:
"Tiny crows’ feet were etched into the corners of the eyes and stained red like lines around its jowls."...is there a "the" missing in front of the word "lines"? It reads better if "the" is in there.
I like the ending of the story, repeating the beginning...a yearly cycle doomed to repeat itself . It's up to the character to DO something...I'd certainly like to read a follow up piece on what the character does and what happens.
This short fictional story really grabbed my attention! It was a joy to read because of your gift for describing the scenario so precisely. My imagination could see this mask very clearly and understand how ominous it seemed to the character in the story.
I am very impressed by this poem. I notice you wrote that this is your first submission to WDC. I love the flow of your thought process throughout this entire piece. You describe so well the things we lose when we lose the innocence of childhood.
There are a few things I have noticed that could use a little improvement. These are just suggestions as I read through your poem. I notice the prodigious use of commas at the end of a lot of the lines. If a thought progresses from one line to the next, there shouldn't be any punctuation there. For instance, here:
"The days when the only thing I ever lied about;
Was chocolates." - the semi-colon at the end of the first line doesn't need to be there because you are completing the thought on the following line.
...and here:
"The days when i had two chocolates,
Meant one was for my friend.
Unlike today,when I still have one of those;
Remaining." - the comma after chocolates shouldn't be there. I would put a comma after "friend", and at the end of the the line that starts with "Unlike.."there should be no punctuation because the word on the last line, "Remaining", completes your thought.
Using "spell check" is a must here, I've come to learn from my own mistakes! LOL!
If you consider your line spacing, as written, the piece looks a little sloppy, but this does not take away from the fine poem you have written!
I'm new here myself and I am new at reviewing. I hope my suggestions help.
I can really identify with this poem. The self-hate of a "cutter" is very well described by you. I have a relative who was a "cutter". She doesn't do it anymore, but she will bear the senseless scars all her life.
The lines that struck me the most were the first two: "I search your words to see what's make believe". This aptly sets the tone for the rest of this short poem. The character is not looking for the truth in the words, but looking for the "make believe" instead. The character, if not for self-hatred, would likely be looking for the "truth". Negativity abounds in this poem, and rightly so, given the subject matter.
There is nothing I would change here. It is complete as written, in my opinion. I will remember this, as I said, because of my own experience with a family member.
My first read through of your monologue made ME want to cry WITH you! This piece must have been written because of a personal experience. If it wasn't, you have an incredible grasp of human feelings and emotions. You have expressed exactly how it feels to lose a lover - the emptiness, sadness, loneliness that never leaves, the tears, the pain in your very core that you believe will never go away. Your last paragraph seems to indicate that you believe your only relief may be to not be where you are anymore, or suicide.
Your heart is in agony here. The choice seems to be die of heartbreak or take your own life. A pain ravaged, confused mind would definitely think in these two extremes.
My opinion here is that of an avid and interested reader, not as a critic, because I have no qualifications either by education or writing experience that would enable me to suggest how your monologue might be improved. I don't think it CAN be improved. I was immediately drawn into this piece and amazed at how perfectly you captured the raw, frayed emotions and feelings of hopelessness that losing a lover can cause.
I like this poem. In the first verse you describe happiness and contentment, safety and good times we experience in this world, followed in the second verse by the contrast of worry, stress and uncertainty. In the third and fourth verses you provide an avenue back to happiness and contentment, which is believing in a higher power and loving ourselves first, so that we can be strong in spirit and help the other people in our lives.
The poem flows nicely, rhymes well....."yes-sir-re-bob" ...is there another phrase that would fit better? I know "job" is not the easiest word to find a rhyme for that makes sense.
All in all, a very enjoyable poem!
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