Wow, this is a really nice poem!! It's close to home for me, so if anything I feel I can relate and understand. And there's truth to your poem, which makes it even stronger.
Nice job! Are you from India? You must be since you know the foods as well as holidays and festivals. I grew up there in an orphanage boarding school in Nadiad, Gujarat. So I am very much aware of what you are talking about in the story. The difference between how people live in America vs India. I feel tradition holds more value there than it does here. I have to admit, I miss living in India. Life seemed so much easier in a way, just because of its simplicity.
Very well written with obvious accurate information. I also like how you added the videos to help with the visual for some people would never get it. No errors of any kind that I can see.
Wow that's heavy. If this was a real experience for you, I commend your strength. Dying is easy, living is hard. It takes allot of strength to keep moving forward. Yes the story itself is enough to almost make me cry, great job with bringing out the emotions in this short story. I can feel the pain, the want for it to end, yet slight hope to keep going. Very well written, no grammar or spelling errors that I see.
Yes it is!!!:) Only not in Minnesota(: lol Very nice Haiku Sonnet, with all of the elements of Spring and what it brings very nice visual. Very nice flow, easy to read, with no spelling or punctuation errors.
That is really a nice poem. It cut close to home for me, I've been in the dark with no one to tell you it's ok and hold you for once.
Honestly the only thing I even have to say is, if you're going to use punctuation, try to keep it consistent. Otherwise, it looks great whether you change it or not.
Great job on this poem! It is very well written with some vivid imagery. It is easy to read and follow, it has a nice flow to it. I also like how you play around with words in this poem, I don't see any spelling or grammar errors.
Such a true poem. I've never had anyone to lose, so I don't know what it feels like to lose someone you love. But I've had friends whom I have consoled at times and I have lost hope, when there's no hope left the pain is inconsolable.
Very well written, nice flow, no grammar or spelling errors.
Wow, awesome poem. Easy to read and understand, I love the way you summarized life and it's journeys, the wording is great and that last line got me chuckling lol. So true:)
Wow, nice job! First, I want to congratulate you on your new baby.:)! I hope in the following years this child will be your sunshine in life.
I'm sorry your hving difficulties, it is sad how life can pollute a marriage in bad ways. I was married 7 years, now divorced and disabled, my son living with his dad because I have so many health issues now. I hope things get better for you guys, I really do. Divorce is such nasty business and really takes a toll on the kids.
Moving on, the story is written very well, and kept my interst peaqued. I didn't notice any grammatical errors, and only noticed this one spelling error:
"Wait, I'm sorry, can I come over to your house tomrrow? Is that good for you?"
'Tomorrow'
Nice song!:) I have a soft spot for folk music (at least that's my impression of the song), especially Irish folk music. I think this is an awesome tribute to St. Patty's Day, thank you for that.
I like your style of writing, the flow was easy to read; I didn't notice any grammatical or spelling errors.
I like the story style, it's different. And that is one hell of a renovation. Sucks when you get contractors like that. If this was a situation you experience, I hope everything worked out in the end.
Just a few suggestions, take it or leave it, makes no difference to me. I mean no offense.
"When did you put the flooring?"
Add an 'in' at the end.
"If you'd say it in time, before I put the flooring…"
'If you'd said it in time...'
"For me it is as if I already have put."
I would take out the 'put' unless you want to add 'put it in'
'Not a sign of smile softens the contractor's serious face.' Sounds a little off
'No sign of a smile to soften the contractor's serious face.'
'After a long glance on his hands'
'After a long glance at his hands'
"Well, how much it will cost NOW?"
'how much will it cost NOW?'
"I dunno. I have to think. I will say you tomorrow."
'I will see you tomorrow.'
"Yes. What the problem?"
unless of course you're giving the constructor a slang accent thing, I would add 'is' 'what is the problem?'
"But you have just come ten minutes ago!"
'But you just came in ten minutes ago!'
'you decide to change home to some bigger one. You cannot buy a new,'
'to change homes, to a bigger one. You cannot buy a new one, so...'
I love the lesson of Humility in your story. Even I forget some times to be humble, and this is a good reminder to everyone, that it's not the gold shiny houses that matter, it's your heart, and the way you treat people.
I did not notice and grammatical or punctuation errors. Very well put together, good structure, and all around a good story.
Wow, Nice poem and very relatable. Depression is hard to deal with on it's own without people making it worse.
To feeling that no one understands or cares, makes it a very lonely world, and wallowing definitely makes it worse.
I wish you all the best in the future, and who knows? Maybe someday you will defeat your inner fear and you'll be stronger for it:)
I really like your story, even the end, and I couldn't help laughing because it is so true!! lol:)
Your characters, and the details, almost sounds like you have something separate going on there. Like they could have a whole story, the system and types of 'aliens'? Like Spree being a Vratix, that is really cool.
Nice story, I like how you show that sometimes winning isn't everything. The consequence of wanting something and not thinking it through. Very well written, great job!:) Keep writing:)
That is deep, I really like it. I'm sorry if that was your experience, I hope you found a way to move on if that's the case. I have no suggestions for any changes it looks great, and well written. Thank you for sharing
Nice! I have no idea what's in your other chapters, but I like the story from what I read. I like how you used a female instead of another male superhero. There's way more male super heroes than women, it's nice to see something different, even when it includes sexual teasing.
It sounds very interesting, you definitely held my interest and I had to finish. I just recommend a few corrections, I pointed them out below:
"his eyes to fill with a different kind of tears. looking up at the Man in Black"
The word "looking" needs to be capitalized.
"narrow corridor that been his whole world"
I would add "had" between "that" and "been"
"laughably thin cotton mattress for the first time in years,"
Add "and" after mattress
"he replied. " Wouldn't you rather hear about what I have to offer?" he asked."
You already state that he's replying you don't need it again at the end, I would take off "he asked" at the end, you don't need it.
"and they both disappeared into the blackness"
I would say darkness, since it is the end of the story and it sounds just a bit better.
I hope this helps, there's other grammar errors, commas and periods, so I would sit and go over it one more time, it's a good story I love the cliff-hanger at the end too.
Good Luck!! Keep writing:)
Will you be writing more? Because, I'm not trying to be mean but, I don't feel two statements makes a short story, not even a small short story. It feels like a description of something that has allot of story behind it. Maybe, for a super short story you could do a single paragraph? Then readers are getting more than just two statements which leaves the question, "What just happened?"
You have a decent poem her I would suggest the following changes, to help with the flow better some changes are grammatical:
Instead of "You were a dream that I always I dreamed
about it,"
I would say, "You were a dream that I always dreamed about,"
"you were a dream that I always pray to have it,"
"you were a dream that I prayed to have"
"you are everything that I always dream about it "
"you are everything I ever dreamed about"
Other than that I would just round it off better with any commas you want, especially if you want a pause for the reader to think. You have something good going, good luck:)
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