Hi Winnie Kay. Overall Impression: A very sad story. It must be terrible to lose a family member. I hope you have begun to recover from the loss. After I read it, I was left with questions swimming around in my head (which is a good thing). Did Beth know that Julio was violent?
I have not exactly experienced the loss of a loved one yet but your story taught me what grief really is. I think you managed to write it down in words really well. Good job!
Technical and Editorial Considerations: When I read the story, I felt there was a few bumps. I can't exactly pin-point it out though. Maybe you could read your story aloud to yourself and see what I mean. Oh, and I think you shouldn't use "Mary pulled her hands through her curly black hair and screamed" as you used the word scream not too long ago in the story. Perhaps you could replace it with shrieked? If you think these changes are not necessary, you do not have to make them as it's your story and this is merely my opinion.
Rating: 4.5 I love your storyline and your description!
Hi The_Cavity has wisdom teeth!. Overall Impression: Your piece is very descriptive even with a poetry beat! And with emphasis on the words like that! It is brilliant! I am kind of pleased (can't explain why).
Technical and Editorial Considerations: I think you should change a few words.
Example: as we stared out at the world
If you think these changes are not necessary, you don't have to make them as these changes are merely my opinions.
Rating: 4.5 I love your poem already but with a few changes, I think it would still turn out better. Good luck!
Hi Wyrdy
Overall Impression: Your piece is really interesting!
Technical and Editorial Considerations: There are some places I think you should change for the story to sound better.
Example:
But,* of course, no one really knew and the fact still remains that despite the holy name of the building, St. Mary’s was mysterious and dangerous and most townsfolk wanted it closed.
*- I think you should delete that comma.
You also shouldn't use too much of these: ';'. Using too many makes it sound as if it is incomplete.
If you think these changes are not necessary, you don't have to make them as these changes are merely my opinions.
Rating: 4.0 With a better usage of your punctuations, your story would come out better. Good luck.
Hi Golden Tiger. Overall Impression: I think your story is very original and it certainly did make me laugh a lot!
Technical and Editorial Considerations: This isn't exactly up to my usual standards but I guess I was too absorbed in the story to notice for errors or where to improve so...
Rating: I absolutely love your story! I can't ever write better than this. Good luck!
If I hadn't read the last few lines at the end of your story, I mean the 'a little background', I'd believed this was real. I mean, in a way it is, but you are using fake characters to represent them. Just wanted to congratulate you. You write brilliant! You got me grabbing at the edges of my seat when I read.
I mean, I can vividly see the pictures of the different scenes. Your story is definitely captivating.
Where you can improve? Actually, I am just a young writer and almost everyone's stories are awesome to me. I read them and I can't really give constructive criticism. Maybe an older and more experienced writer can do so...
Anyway, here goes...
Did Uncle Terry know that Shannen was missing? Did he file a report on that? This is a very interesting story. What happened next?
You mean Uncle Terry only drove you(Cameron) back home at ten in the night? I thought he was going to send the two of you home after Shannen reported the case of kidnapping?
These are only my opinions and as I said I am not that good... so you can choose to ignore this if you think that my comments are wrong.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Reviewer: Words' Queen
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/angelinecpx
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 2:22pm on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Overall Impression: A very sad story. It must be terrible to lose a family member. I hope you have begun to recover from the loss. After I read it, I was left with questions swimming around in my head (which is a good thing). Did Beth know that Julio was violent?
Technical and Editorial Considerations: When I read the story, I felt there was a few bumps. I can't exactly pin-point it out though. Maybe you could read your story aloud to yourself and see what I mean. Oh, and I think you shouldn't use "Mary pulled her hands through her curly black hair and screamed" as you used the word scream not too long ago in the story. Perhaps you could replace it with shrieked? If you think these changes are not necessary, you do not have to make them as it's your story and this is merely my opinion.
your storyline and your description! 
