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Review of The Visitors  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review by Angelinamay

Hi EOIWriting,

I have to tell you I really like this piece and hope you will expand it. You've created a great atmosphere and you allowed me to see everything like I was there with Ned. You've also written this quite tightly and I don't have that many suggestions to give you.

But if I have to give you a suggestion it would be this and remember this is my humble opinion and you can use them or toss them into the burn barrel.

In your first paragraph you use the word>Stargazing< a lot. To grab your readers interest even more, you might want to replace a couple of these words with> brilliant stars, or constellations.

Also I thought Ned's wife might walk out of that spaceship. You have so much you can do with this piece to expand it. I would love to read more of this great story. Thank you for posting this, Angelinamay



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Rated: E | (4.5)
review by Angelinamay for the auction

Hi Magicmama,

This is a cute story also. I like the message you tucked inside it. I like it and enjoyed reading it. You created likable characters.

Okay, I just have a few suggestions about deleting unnecessary words to make your story read stronger and tighter. And remember these are just my humble suggestions and you can use them or toss them over the side of the ark*Smile*

Again, I suggest you vamp up your opening paragraph. Give it some atmosphere, focus on one character and make her come alive.

A way to rid the wordy-words is>Heavy dark clouds were filling the sky.>>Heavy clouds filled the sky.>>This way is sounds stronger.

Don’t you know enough to get in out of the rain?”>>delete- in.

he has just so much to offer.>>delete-just>as it weakens this sentence.

They will all<delete-all>> soon wish they were in the ark with us. Will you let them in?”

Good work here, bravo, Angelinamay
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Review of The Fun House  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review by Angelina

Hi Tom,

What drew me in- your title. Titles either grab me or they don't but your title made me read it and I'm glad I did. I was hoping to get scared when reading this and I sure did. This was such an adventure you took me on and I loved it. I do wonder where Johnny and Becky are, but maybe you could turn this into a novel some day by leaving this info open. This is a great read and I could see everything and hope I sleep tonight, lol!

Suspense- there's a lot of suspense in this story! I was on the edge of my desk chair more than once.

Storyline- great storyline and well thought out and planned.

Setting- great setting at this abandoned Fun House. This is a thriller that doesn't end and leaves your reader's frightened and wondering.

Characters- well fleshed out characters. I didn't get to see much of them as they weren't described that much, but I saw them inside my mind because you helped me see them.

Conflict- oh yeah. Lots of it between you, Becky and Johnny, especially inside the Fun House. I loved how it became the Un House. Very clever.

If I have to make some suggestions they would be to tighten this up a bit.

Here's my suggestions and you don't have to use them and may toss them in the burn barrel:

I walked forward and then felt my body tremble when I saw past a set of double-doors and into the building.>I walked forward and trembled when I saw past the double-doors and on into the building.

I slumped down with my back against the door, feeling trapped and awaiting my fate.>> In this sentence you could delete-feeling. It might read stronger. With a scary story, you don't want too many wordy-words or unnecessary words because by deleting some of these words, your story can read more powerfully and stronger.

I think you have a great story here and one that held my attention and scared me. Bravo, Angelina


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Review of B for BROTHER!  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review by Angelinamay and I am in your, Reeling in Your Reader's class.

Hi Humming Bird,

I will try to help you the best I can. I like what you have here so far.

Character's:

For me, it's best to give your character's names in the beginning so your reader's know who you're talking about. I really like Basanti and feel for her for losing her brother the way she did. The supporting character's aren't really fleshed out in this chapter, but you've given your reader's some tidbits about each of them to give us an idea of who they are and we know is they are close friends with Basanti. If this will be a novel, which I think it is, I realize your character's will all become fleshed out more.

Setting:

Great setting and one I'd like to see more visually. I have never had the chance to visit the city where this story takes place but I would love to see more of it in my mind's eye. Maybe you can add the name of the city in your opening paragraph so your reader's can place themselves there.

For me, I try to make my opening paragraph a hook, a intriguing introduction to get my reader's interested and read on. You gave me the scent of jasmine, which is my favorite scent and the birds chirping, and I liked it, but maybe elaborate just a little more on the setting.

Conflict:

So far the conflict is the emotional one of Basanti losing her brother. Emotions were strong when she tried to tell her friends about her viewing his body, his horrible death dying inside a fishing net, and saying goodbye to him. It choked me up as I've had to say goodbye to three family members last year and I could feel Basanti's pain. Anything emotional, especially what and who you write about will grab your readers and make them want to read on.

You asked for help with this piece and my suggestions are not yours so you may use them or toss them into the burn barrel.

"Ugh! Wish I could see a familiar face around here somewhere." She said to herself. >>Instead of a period after somewhere, add a comma, "Ugh! Wish I could see a familiar face around here somewhere," she said to herself.

The only other thing I can find to help you with is flesh out your characters more and let us get to know them better. Give them distinct personalities so we can root for one we like more than the others. We do know that Riffat is a foodie and that's good. We know that the other's are there to support Basanti. Also add some atmosphere and take us on this journey.

I feel you have the beginnings of a good story here and I hope I've been able to give you some help. I'd love to read more, Angelina
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Review of Walking  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review by Angelinamay

Hi there Sumit Raj,

Your story is awesome and I've always wanted to visit India.

In this piece, I rediscovered and was reminded how many people walk to the destinations they wish to go. I enjoyed this and went on your travels with you. Walking, to me is also a necessity as my legs need to walk and I can't sit still for long. Your descriptions are enticing and vivid and you made me want to learn more about this beautiful land.

I can see where walking is much healthier. I walk fast each day for exercise. I can't walk to places I want to go in my city because of the crime.

The only suggestions I have is:

Make this a longer piece and give us more detailed descriptions and put us inside these cities and give us some scents at the bazaars and help me to experience. Other than that, I feel your writing is polished. You held my interest and I enjoyed this story very much.

Bravo, Angelina

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Review of The Shoes  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review by Angelinamay

Hi LiveToWrite

Your poem speaks volumes and it's, to me, a powerful story poem. The way you wrote this is awesome and should be read by everyone.

Yes, I think, and this is just my opinion, but I feel a lot of us have become desensitized and when we hear about shootings, and think back to the past atrocities, some of us feel bad briefly, but then it seems commonplace.

Your poem is written very well and when you described the shoes, I too could see the shoes all l lined up and this sends horror into my spine.

You have so many lines in your poem that stand out. These make my heart skip beats and my skin crawl.

"Showers" they were called, bringing to travel-weary minds, perhaps, the thought of a moment's relief
from the filth and stench of traveling 100 deep in a single rail car designed to haul cattle.

Stripped of all they owned, for some their only possessions
were the clothes on their backs and the shoes on their feet.

Huddled together in the cold, hearing the locks slamming home,
waiting for the cleansing water to wash away their pain......Never guessing
until the last possible moment the true purpose of those tiled rooms.

I am so glad I read your poem and No, I will never forget, Angelina
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Review of Little Brother  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review by Angelinamay

August Leaf you are hooking me on your poetry. Another great poem with such an interesting story. I loved this with the little brother theme and I love how you surprise me with your ending stanzas. I enjoy surprises and you've given me three.

Again, your poetry is infectious and I hope to read more now that you've got me hooked. I went ahead and fanned you so I can read more of your work.

Bravo to you!

Angelina
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review by Angelinamay

Hi again, August Leaf,

Another memorable poem and it's so cleverly written. Poems can send every single emotion, but the one's that make me giggle, are the ones I remember. You sure are clever and gosh, I've enjoyed reading your work and I'm also glad I came across your poems. You show real talent and I'm sure everyone can relate to your work.

Great job, bravo!

Angelina
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Review of Wish Mix  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review by Angelinamay

Hi August Leaf,

This is one of the most clever poems I've read here. I loved it! What a great concept and your rhyming is superb.
When I first began reading, I knew I was going to think about your poem for days. I also write poetry and you are really good. I was hoping to have a few suggestions to offer you, but you wrote this very well.

I hope to read more from you and keep up the great work.

Angelina
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Review of Emptiness  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review by Angelina


Hi Lynnea,

This is such a powerful and bold poem. As I read it, my emotions rose until I sat up straight so I could take it all in. I, myself, have never come to this point, but I hope this didn't actually happen.

I have no suggestions and there's nothing to change because it's solid and heartbreaking as well.

Keep writing because your poetry is well done.
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Review of My Wife  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi rough,

This is a powerful piece indeed. As I traveled with you on this journey, I could see many people able to identify with this.

My suggestions are just that, and if you don't care for them, toss them into the burn barrel.

Your first paragraph is long, so I suggest shortening it at least into two paragraphs. Because it would read better.

Your ending is vague, but I understand this is only a part of your novel and maybe best not to give too much away. You did leave me worrying about your wife and those bees and also you as the main character.

Also try to add some dialogue to bring your wife and you, yourself, to life. Dialogue always breathes life into novels and I would have liked to read some.

All in all, this is well written and your plot intriguing. Well done, Angelina
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Review of On Forgiveness  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi CajunBoy,

I loved this! You are a good writer and how you portrayed this story kept me reading on. Your writing is tight and precise yet interesting also. Good grammar indeed. As I read this piece, I was reminded of when my mother and father died and her sister told me my mother and father never wanted children, but they had me late in life. I couldn't ask my parent's if they didn't actually want me, because they had passed, but I know in my heart my parent's loved me dearly as we had so much fun over the years together. But my aunt's words still come to mind. I do need to let go of that and know my aunt, who had never married nor had children, didn't mean it.

Very well written and such a powerful story many can relate to. My prayer's are with you, Angelina
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Review of Office Days  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi PocketWriter,

My initial surprise is this is so short. I just got into it and poof, it ended. Your descriptions are vivid and come alive. I like both characters and although there's not much to learn about them, I like them.

I have a few suggestions and remember, you don't have to use them because this is your story.

"You've been calling me rookie for the past seven years, but, okay." He says, the <<If he dais the previous statement, you add, >>"You've been calling me rookie for the past seven years, but, okay," he says. See, attach him to his sentence.

Good job with this and bravo! Angelina
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review by Angelinamay

This is pretty good. It sparked my interest. I don't often read about women wrestlers. Your dialogue sounds natural and believable. Your storyline is intriguing. I hope to read more. Your writing is tight and not wordy which is good. I'm glad you posted this because I will look for more of this novel to read.

If I have to suggest anything, it would be this:

In your dialogue at the beginning, I was unsure of who was speaking.

Also I'm left wondering why Dixie was interviewed, but I guess I should read your first chapter to find out.

Well done and bravo, Angelina




“I was just raised well, that’s all. Besides, I refuse to anything underhanded to a gorgeous southern belle like you.”
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Review of Ode to Nature  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review by Angelinamay

Hi Shafayet,

What a beautiful poem. I love poems like this because we should be constantly reminded of what we, sometimes absently minded, do to our Mother Earth. We were gifted this planet and we are supposed to care for it. I love how you begin some stanzas with, Ah Mother Nature and Hail Mother Nature.

There's only one suggestion and you can use it or toss it in the burn barrel.

Capping the line, YOUR OWN CHILDREN KILLING YOU, doesn't need capping because it is potent and powerful uncapped. When I saw and read this line capped, I found it jarring to this beautiful poem.

My over all take on your poem is well written with a bold message our world needs to hear. Bravo! Angelina
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Review of Love  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review by Angelinamay

So you never got the girl? Gosh I was waiting for that, but then everyone has a right to live their purpose and what makes them happy. I think we are pressured by society to be married, have kids and be who people say we should be. I really liked reading this and yes, it's possible you overthink things, but I love your assessment of life and yes, people can be happy without a mate.

Okay for my review. I honestly can't find anything that needs changing. Your grammar is good and your sentence structure reads well. I found this interesting and a good read. Bravo!
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Review of A new beginning  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Mina,

You are quite a good poet. I love what your beautiful poem has to say and how it made me feel when I read it. I definitely can identify with your poem. Bravo and please keep writing so I can read your words.

My only suggestions, and please know you don't have to use them, are:

You probably should use, 'and' instead of &.

Scattered things make own shapes. You might want to say, Scattered things make 'their' own shapes. This would help keep your meter.
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Review of Skin  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review by Angelinamay

Hi Opal,

This is an intriguing story. I like it. Your character's are well done and believable. Your spelling and grammar are also good with the exception of one word. I like the atmosphere you gave me in your beginning as nothing was working out for you. I must admit, I thought your main character was a woman and was surprised to find a man being the main character. But after thinking about it, your story is strong enough to allow your reader's to decide. Stephen King does that a lot and allows his reader's to decide.

I like the dry skin forming and the scratching and snake skin appearance. I loved how he locked himself in the bathroom and this scratching consumed him and made him oblivious to the knocking on the door. Very spooky and realistic. Then you add a tumor and you could do so much with that like, have tiny arms poking out from it or something to that nature to creep it even more.

I think you did a good job on this, but this is up for review and I will tell you my suggestions. Please remember that this is your story and you don't have to use any of my suggestions.



Seeing you have an opening sentence and not an opening paragraph, you want it to hold as much power and intrigue as you can. You might want to think about making it two sentences so it's bold and strong. Try- The realization came early and swift into my head. The date was the morning of October twenty third.

The rest of the day was practically without thought. I met with a few clients whose legal problems seemed entirely manageable<misspell. Here is the correct spelling.) There was not a single problem to which I did not have a solution readily available. Everything was going exceptionally easy, especially for a Monday. (Also you might want to change some of your ly words to words that would also create this sentence.

A wonderful writer told me a long time ago to read through each sentence and chop away the wordy-words. When we eliminate some of the wordy-words and use stronger words our work reads better.

One last thing is I wonder where he went. You state he ended up here, and that's a good sentence, but you might want to leave us with more of a descriptive place we can place him in.

I'm so glad I read your work and I wish you the best luck with your story, Angelinamay
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Review of My best season  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Review by Angelinamay

Hi Mina,

I can really identify with your poem of Spring as I love that time of year too. Your poem has a good meter and I have always loved rhyming poems. I also write in rhyme. My favorite stanzas are the second and third ones. I love how you speak of flowers and butterflies and adding a rabbit made your poem beautifully vivid and alive.

If I have to make a couple suggestions they would be-

Who makeover your pretty face. To make this read better you might want to say, Who 'made over' your pretty face.

You have made air fragrant new, You have made air fragrant 'and' new. By adding the word-and- it reads more smoothly.

Remember, you can think over my suggestions and if you don't like them, toss them because this is your poem*Smile*

Keep writing and I hope to read more of your work. Angelinamay
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Review of Ocean Boy  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Writerpenman,

I loved reading your poem because I live near the ocean and love to feel the magic as you've described. Your beautiful and fun-filled descriptions come alive in this poem and it sends the reader to a magical place. I could see your descriptions and smell the salty air and see the sand castles. Your poem is awesome and I can't find anything to suggest that you do differently. I really enjoyed your poem and thank you for writing it.

Angelinamay
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
by angelinamay

I find this story interesting. And I would love to read more. Also maybe you could add a description of what Mara looks like.

One of my first thoughts is how did Mara travel to her destinations? Did she ride a horse? A carriage?

I only found one thing to correct and that's: Mara breathed a sigh of relief and smoothed out her robes, then look<looked) around.

Good characters. You may want to add more dialogue to show us more. Is it cold there? What is Mara wearing?

I do have a couple more questions.

Why is Mara readily excepted by these people in the first town she arrives at? Wouldn't they be suspicious?
Where does Mara get her money to purchase things and charter a ship?
What is her means of transportation?
Maybe elaborate more on her learning to swim.
Did the charter boat ever arrive?

As I said, I would love to read more and you've sparked my interest and curiosity. Angelinamay
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Rated: E | (4.5)
by angelinamay

This story held my attention throughout the entire read and I found it exciting. I love how you created these character's who all of a sudden became super heroes. This is a fascinating story and I hope you can write more because I'd love to have the chance to read it. I've made some suggestions you can either use, or toss into the burn barrel. Like I said, I hope you continue writing this story so I can read what happens next. Bravo! Angelinamay

I copied some paragraphs and sentences so I can show you because it's the best way to point our some words that need help--

Ben sighed as he hung up the phone. Well he was already up and anything that could get Chuck up at sunrise had to be interesting. He quickly (go)t some clothes on and grabbed his digital camera and shoved it in his pants pocket.Because of the early hour, Ben decided that instead of using the front door, which would (involvee) walking down a craky hallway (pasthis) parent's room, he would use the backup strategy. He went into his closet and pulled out the emergency ladder that was put there in case of a fire. He opened his window and lowered the ladder out into his backyard, then climbed down onto the grass. Then he set off for the park.

(When you say "He quickly got some clothes on" the word- got- could be replaced by, slid into, or put on. And I believe you wanted the word to be- involve. Also separate the words-pasthis)

These thoughts were swirling around inside Ben’s head when he finally reached the park. He saw Chuck leaning against the fence around the playground. When he saw the Ben had arrived, he smiled(.) This paragraph could be restructured. First you could omit the word-around- as this would tighten up this sentence. Instead of the last two sentences, combine them because you say he saw Ben twice.

Check your sentences for missing periods.

“I have hated this gazebo since they built it and ruined our park (but there was nothing we could do about it but complain,”) said Chuck staring intently at the gazebo “but now I finally can do something about it.” Your dialogue is good but it should be in the present tense. Example-- but there's nothing we can do about it but complain.)

“Well I have no idea how it happened actually,” said Chuck sitting down on the grass, “Earlier this morning at about four thirty, I was (woken) by a burning sensation in my stomach that I mistook for heartburn. (Replace woken by--awakened)

Before Ben could get very far, Dan appeared in front of him loking<looking) concerned and raised his hands in a gesture of peace.

Chuck ran over and said "we're your friends! you<cap You) can talk to us!"
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Review of Freefall  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review of "Vampires are real" by angelinamay


Hi Kelle,

I really enjoyed reading your chapter.

Very well written. Tight and not wordy.

Character's. Your character's are believable and you've brought them to life very well.

Descriptions. I could see every description and your word choices are interesting.

I only have a couple suggestions.

you say in paragraph that your birth parent's gave you up at 6 months and then in a few paragraphs down you say they gave you up at 5 years old. you might want to check that.

His posture indicated that he was a<nix the a) comfortable in these parts.

I don't know if you're aware but some paragraphs are repeated.

Over all review. I seriously like this story and would love to read more. You have my interest. Bravo! Angelinamay
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Review of We live then Die  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Invalid Review by angelinamay

Intriguing poem with a great message. I loved reading it. We should all leave our mark on this earth to the children of our future. Your 3rd stanza is powerful and really grabbed my emotions. As I read more, your poem reaffirmed my own beliefs.

The only thing I could suggest is add a comma after God in your final stanza. That would help make it even stronger.

I also write poetry and love reading other author's poems. You've written a great poem and I'm so glad I got the chance to read it.
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
{review:2018469] BY Angelinamay


Wow, your poem really speaks out loud. I felt the pain, emotions, chill-bumps and a solitary feel. I am so glad I got to read your poem.

When you said:

Only the knife is his brother.
He unites with the blade,
For the sake of the journey,
To bring romance,
To himself with no self,
So that by some notice,
He may be known as one.

I could see the light shimmering off the blade of the knife. I could feel the unity with the blade. I wish I could suggest something to change or add, but man, this is really good. I write a lot of poetry, but the way you wrote this, you seem like a seasoned poet. Bravo! Angelina
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