I like your poem. It is painful, which I suspect is your purpose. There is little in the way of explanation here, though. Only the line, "too great a burden". As the reader, I want to know why you find summer (and spring) too burdensome, too full of promise, too unlike you?
Why is summer so suffocating? I too, am a fan of Autumn, although I recently wrote a poem in praise of summer, a severe departure for me as I imagine it would be for you. There is something almost impossible to like about such a warm and wonderful season. Like a friend that is always seeing the bright side. It challenges us to feel the same way. Autumn and winter comfort us because they seem to know how we feel. They do not challenge us or call us out to experience them. They rather push us inside ourselves. I find poetry appeals to the person of solitude, so fully embodied by Dickinson. And yet, the act of writing poetry is itself an act of reaching out from that solitude. To say this poem considers why summer is not necessarily happy is a grand understatement. But why? Oh why? What pain so great, could the summer sun not abate?
First of all, I would call this Autumn Chore, because it's about one chore, raking leaves. I love the line; And reddens my cheeks to rubies. This to me is a new take on the idea of autumn colors, the red of your cheeks matching the red of the leaves. The rest of the poem is descriptive. I can see you raking the leaves. But I want something more. I want to know how you feel. I want to know what the chore means to you. I would say there is Still much to do in this poem. I can see you have a talent for descriptive writing. Keep it up.
It is difficult to write a poem about your love for your mother and then ask for "harsh" reviews. I suspect you are longing for acceptance of this poem, just as you are longing for your mother's love. Trust me when I say, she loves you, even if this poem sucks (which it doesn't). Overall, I'd say the poem hits the mark. It wanders a bit, which is fine in free verse. I like the tightness of the 4th and 5th stanzas and wish the rest of the poem could have been more like those. As a personal ode to your mother it's great. As an ode to all mothers I think it's lacking. I might have wanted to change the voice to a more personal expression, instead of "Her" bare hands fed me, go with "Your" bare hands fed me. Now you're talking directly to your mother. And the reader whether mother or child can feel the poem is speaking to them or for them. What do you think? As it is you're just telling a story. The other way you're sharing your heart directly with someone. I think it has more power that way. I can definitely feel the heart in this poem. But a truly great poem takes a very personal expression and makes it universal. At least that's my view. On a technical note, I would change the line "Etched in my memories" to "Etched in my memory". The other way it just doesn't sound right, the things you are describing are memories so how are they etched in memories themselves? Memory is a more singular thing of which many things can be etched, like first words, first step, etc. Follow? Also, the line "I craved for her company" sounds awkward. It may or may not be grammatically correct, but I think "I craved her (your) company" sounds better. I'd like to see the original poem. Anyway, it's a fine piece of poetry, deeply felt and artfully crafted. Thank you.
OK, so we'll skip the grammar. But really, what's the point? Grammar is the foundation upon which good writing is built. This is free verse too free in my opinion. It's just rambling. I don't see any venting here either. You are drowning in sorrow, I get it. There is little originality here. I am often reminded of the movie, A Beautiful Mind, and the main characters quest for One Original Thought. That should be the poet's quest I think as well.
We may not always reach it, but isn't it better to have tried? Don't vent, invent! I say this with the deepest respect for your passion for the craft. Keep writing, but try to be more disciplined.
I like this poem. I've been on a tear recently writing poem after poem about he act and art of writing poetry. It's a hard thing to approach and discover something new and unsaid. I think it is a quandary unique to poets, the struggle to come to grips with our own quest. I would have titled this The Unremitting Poet to give it more relevance to the poem itself. Your rhyming is true until the last two lines which disappoints ever so slightly (quest / express). I hate weak endings. It spoils all the fun for me. With a little more digging you may have found a better work scheme.
I believe in poetry one should never settle, at least not until all other possibilities have been exhausted. Your poem is a testament to the futility of the poets quest, as expressed in the first line. In that sense, who am I to critique? Keep up the quest my friend and share something new.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. Not sure the shell is empty. Or that the spring is dry. Your words seem to want to convey something that you can't quite put into words. You are a dead carcass? An empty shell? Corroded and imploding? To me, even a hopeless poem should find hope. But that's just me. Your poem works because it conveys feeling. In the end, we are all lone travelers. We enter and leave this world alone. Our bodies are empty shells that hold our spirits for a time, and then let them go. It is sad that we often feel the most empty when we are full of life.
I don't read Greek mythology so I had to look up Persephone. From there I attempted to follow your poem. That's my only issue with your poem, but then again, should not some poetry ask us to work to find it's meaning? I must admit, that as a rule, personally, I don't want to work that hard. To me, the goal, my own personal amazon, does not seem worth the quest. Take me someplace I want to go and I'll make the effort to get there. Also, comparing buds to gumballs doesn't work for me. Gumballs come in many sizes. Also, buds are buds, we don't need a comparison to imagine their size.This poem seems to me like an intellectual exercise. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that your poem strives to be something more than who you are personally. Your vocabulary outside of Persephone is ordinary. Stephen King wrote in his book on writing that you should use your own language, don't use words that aren't part of your own vocabulary, otherwise they won't ring true. That's how I feel about your poem. It doesn't ring true. Yikes, there's a brutal review I guess. I do understand the idea that you only have a day to create your amazon before you must return to Hades. The beauty of your poem lies in it's message, what could I do in a day on the earth? Especially for those of us who are here every day.
Wait a second... :) Good idea for a poem and so true. A couple of grammar notes; there is no "forever and ever". Once you get to forever that's pretty much it. The second stanza needs work. You basically say the same thing 3 times. I would suggest being more specific or dropping that stanza all together. It doesn't really add anything to the poem. Also, I would stick with the initial statement "A second is all it takes". I think it adds power through repetition. As example:
A second is all it takes
To change our lives
forever
A second is all it takes
To bring happiness
Or sorrow
A second is all it takes
To decide victory
Or defeat
A second is all it takes.
To marvel
Or anguish
A second is all it takes
To Change Our Lives
Forever
I just want you to see other possibilities. I like the idea of your poem. I think you just need to work on the structure and the wording to create stronger impact. Forgive me for taking the liberty to rearrange your poem. I only wanted to illustrate an idea. You realize too that the first and last stanzas are identical. This can work for impact, but with such a short poem you may want to reconsider this too.
You have a beautiful thought here. It's a very complex idea. The second stanza struggles a bit to me. The line "of atom thin particles" is redundant. (like saying paper thin sheets of paper). Same goes for the two lines "evaporates... then dissipates" It's the same thing. Drop "atom" and the line "then dissipates". The ending makes the poem, and causes me to forget exactly how I got there. But I would like to enjoy the journey just a little more. Good poem!
Steve, Guidelines To Great Reviewing suggests I be honest, encouraging and respectful. Upon reading your poems I could only write; "What do you want of we mere mortals, who read with tears welled in our eyes?" The voice of God speaks through you. I am humbled and ashamed by the shallowness of my own words by comparison. It is a perfect collection, with a clear, consistent and sincere voice. I found my emotions running with you through the hills and valleys of lost life and love, lost dreams and different days, glorious nature and the good nature of men. Thank you for sharing your gift. The Guidelines also suggest that I include tips for improvement. That would be like telling God he made too many mosquitoes. Your first poem, The Backwoods Southern Church, which I'm not sure why you chose as your lead in, had one line that confused me: The building has a basement...that's almost natural. I wish that line wasn't there because I couldn't understand it. Other than that...your love of history shines through your work in a way that is still accessible to us non-history lovers. I can also say that I don't share your longing for Americana but I could still relate to the emotions expressed and felt, for that moment of reading, as if I did. If I had to pick a favorite poem I couldn't. I like An Autumn Afternoon because I have written so many poems myself about autumn. It is a theme dear to my heart and one uniquely American.
Try again my friend. This poem is full of angst and cynicism. Also the them is tired. Give me something new and original to think about. In terms of the structure of the poem, the rhyming starts out well but then get's tired at the end (bonds / fond, people / feeble). The last stanza of a poem is where you make your impact, it has to be perfect. I would rework those two rhymes, especially the last. Also, with the final two lines you seem to be introducing an entirely new poem "We no longer show respect to people...We should stand up for the feeble". This is a completely different idea from your original them. I would save that thought for another poem. Also, the lines "We are slaves to many things...We forget God when we slip on those things" are too ambiguous. What things? What rings? Be more specific. Again, introducing God here brings us away from your original theme, which seems to carry you into the final two lines. I would change the last three lines before you go back to Products,...etc. To my mind, poetry should never be preaching. It's a fine line. Too much angst can be a turn off. I think you have the makings of a good idea here, it just needs work.
This is a tough review. I didn't enjoy reading your poem, but I got a clear picture of what you were talking about. Was that your goal? I understand your reason for moving the 6th and 7th stanza's out of alignment with the rest, but it feels more like a device. Your words should stand on their own, which I think they do. I would use a more traditional format and stick with it. It shows more confidence. Same for the ALL CAPS portion, in my opinion unnecessary. In the eighth stanza you write: It's getting harder to... the next line is Breathe and it hurts badly. There are two problems for me here; 1. It doesn't read well. Again it feels like a device. The lines would flow better as; It's getting harder to breathe... And it hurts. That brings me to point 2. Drop the word badly. How else does something hurt? Let the reader infer for themselves the pain, which you have adequately described throughout the rest of the poem. Adverbs are death in writing. If the word ends in ly it probably doesn't belong. Either that or drop the line completely. It's getting harder to breathe speaks for itself, do you really have to tell us that it hurts?
Look at this:
Now I’m over here
And here
And maybe there
Should I drink beer?
Will it cause problems?
I’m moving too much
I can’t, sit, still.
What did I touch?
Why am I yelling?
Do yo see how the commas in I can't, sit, still give the effect of uneasy motion? Finally, the line Why was I alone takes us from the from the present to the past tense. I think it would read better as Why am I alone? To me, that's the message at the heart of the poem, a loneliness being buried in drugs, that makes you feel worse; ie your title, Bad. Also, back to the beginning for a second; The 3rd and 4th lines don't really work for me. Who are they? The drugs? Leave them out of it. This is about you and the reader, me. I might try transposing the first two lines and then jumping right into the rest of the poem... This could be amazing...Or it could be bad...I only try it...To see how it feels
See how this leads the reader into what's happening next without revealing too much? Like I said, this is a very good poem. You may feel it is fine as is, but I always try to tweak my work to get it as perfect as possible. Remember, you'r trying to convey an idea. Good work
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/andymorris
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 10:08am on Dec 31, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "