Overall, this is good piece of writing. The characters are fully described and believable with all the fallacies of human behavior. I particularly like the vividness of the description of what "God's Country" is not. Great descriptions and metaphors. The use of long compound sentences was sometimes awkward, but the poetry of the language wasn't lost. I like the honesty of your main character. She is forthright, intelligent, and discerning. I like the way you use the changing of her clothes to symbolize the change in her roles from dutiful, sullen daughter to party time, flashy looking woman looking for a good time.
I only found a few grammar problems and a couple of phrases that you repeated.
A look of fear crossed the nurses fear--I think you meant to say nurse's face
awful considerate--is this dialect, or should you write as "awfully considerate?"
It's not that I'm a different person or need a mask to conform me to Vogue's acceptable expectations to be better than I am during the day.--Really awkward sentence and I think its unnecessary. Just saying "It's not that I'm a different..." Then say, "It just feels damn good"
I made the rounds, stopping to talk to Dean and Doug. I left them to talk to Edward -- I got a little confused with the placement of the characters and how many times you left Edward. For instance, Edward was at the end of the bar, you later left him talking to Dean and Doug. I guess I am confused.
Anyway, yes, please let me know as you add to your piece. I want to know where you go with this. Andie
WOW! I'm not usually a science fiction fan but you have my attention. I can't wait to read Chapter 2. Athenaes is a believeable rogue with a chip on her shoulder. A paradoxical heroine waiting for the right offer, she is somehow a sympathetic character. I like the intensity of the bar scene, and the entrance of the "three" is suspenseful. Good job on the bar's description...I can almost feel the filth. You use good action verbs and active voice. I like it. Keep it up...Andie
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